The Mail-Journal, Volume 22, Number 42, Milford, Kosciusko County, 16 October 1985 — Page 4

THE MAIL-JOURNAL — Wed., October 16,1985

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Editorials

Greetings from Russia

The phone rang about noon Sunday. The folks were calling. “How are things at the shop? What’s happening around town?” Usual questions when they’re on a tour with the National Newspaper Association and far from home. Only this trip was to the U.S.S.R. Mother Russia. Not a place on my list of top ten vacation spots. But the comments from half way around the world were all positive. The circus in Moscow “was one of the nicest things we ever attended.” The opera and the shopping centers were fun. “Stood in line over an hour at the Lenin Memorial. No Big Brother looking over our shoulder. ” They spoke of cleanliness of the cities and the zero temperatures expected that evening. A three-day train trip across Siberia was next on the itinerary . After several minutes Gloria asked my father if he had heard about the hijacking of the cruise ship Achille Lauro by four Palestinian terrorists in the Mediterranean. As one who is most always on top of the news, my father quickly responded, “Why no, what happened? We just haven’t gotten any news since we arrived here. ’ ’ Hardly had we gotten into the details of the hijacking when an undistinguishable voice filled the background and the telephone line went dead. Absolute silence. Now perhaps a flock of northern geese broke the beam of a highflying communications satellite at that very moment or my father had used his last ruble in the corner pay phone and his three minutes had expired. But I don’t think so. No sir. Big Brother was watching. Watching and listening. In the course of our busy lives, we quickly forget the fundamental freedoms that we enjoy. Rights as basic as the access to information. Information on events happening in our backyards or aboard an Italian cruise ship in the Mediterranean. It sometimes takes the dead silence on the other end of a telephone line to bring the stark realities of the rest of the world crashing home. So, dear folks, tread lightly while you are a visitor in Mother Russia. Big Brother is watching. Watching and listening. -RON BAUMGARTNER

Today's tv world

It’s difficult to comprehend how profoundly television has changed the world we live in. The effects are several. First, entertainment has become the dominating theme in U.S. life. Second, demonstrations have become the thing. Every news event which can possibly justify some action, protest, or demonstration, is telecast with a staged scene for the TV cameramen — to provide live, action news. Thorough discussion of issues, in depth news analysis? They’re lacking on commercial television, with rare exceptions. The evening news and morning news has turned more to audience-buildinjg (in search of the biggest audience, thus advertising revenue) than to serious news. All three commercial networks stress film stars, the entertainment world, scandal, medical features which tug at the heart-strings, features of all kinds — not news. The result is a population growing up with only a thin veneer of understanding of the important issues of the day. The masses — most of whom don’t watch PBS — are relatively ignorant in the field of foreign affairs, and complex domestic issues. In short, television has turned the nation’s voters into entertainment-crazy viewers — bent on pleasure, escape, etc., and constantly brainwashed in this direction. The full cost to the American people is yet to be tallied. But the end result of this film and entertainment madness, this flight from reality, traditional morality, from decent manners an ethical standards, is certain to be enormous.

What others say — Alternatives to whacking Headline on a public service advertisement from the National Committee for Prevention of Child Abuse caught our attention. It says, “12 alternatives to whacking your kid.” As we read through the 12 alternatives, we were struck by the thought that if these alternatives were followed, not only would the child be healthier because of not being abused, but so would parents who sometimes abuse their children. Let’s face it, kids can get on your nerves at times. And, as the article points out, “When the big and the little problems of your everyday life pile up to the point where you feel like lashing out — stop.” The idea is not to take out your frustration on your children, and instead, try any or all of these alternatives: 1. Stop in your tracks. Step back. Sit down. 2. Take five deep breaths. Inhale, Exhale, Slowly, slowly. 3. Count to 10. Better yet, 20. Or say the alphabet out loud. 4. Phone a friend. A relative. Even the weather. 5. Still mad? Punch a pillow. Or munch an apple. 6. Thumb through a magazine, book, newspaper, photo album. 7. Do some sit-ups. 8. Pick up a pencil and write down your thoughts. 9. Take a hot bath. Or a cold shower. 10. Lie down on the floor, or just put your feet up. 11. Put on your favorite record. 12. Water your plants. Although some might think these suggested alternatives to whacking a kid is a bit frivolous and make fun of a serious problem, that is not the case. The alternatives are sound and therapeutic suggestions. Another point that adults should consider when dealing with their children is that of resolving the question: Who’s in charge? You or your child. If a five-year-old, or any youngster causes you to lose your cool, you are no longer in control of yourself — the child is. Think about it. Here you are a grown adult, capable of making rational decisions that reflect your maturity. Yet, you let a little child rule your emotional well-being, and thus your whole life. There is the old saying about the family dog “always getting it in the end.” Dad has a rough day at the office, so when he comes home he takes out his frustration on his wife. His wife is upset, so she takes it out on the kids. The kids, too, are upset, so they kick the dog. We don’t recommend getting a family pet so the kids can kick out their frustrations. However, we do commend the 12 alternatives to whacking your kid. Exercising self-control is a much better alternative than abusing a young child and taking a chance on warping a young life by whacking them. . -AVON-DANVILLEGAZETTE

BT • ■ ■ wB / 1

The constitution gives Americans freedoms — have you thought about them lately?

/Court news

County Court The following persons have been assessed fines and have paid those fines in Kosciusko County Court, Judge James Jarrette presiding: Speeding — Paying $65 fines and costs were: Steven W. Street, 20, Syracuse; Kurt D. Burner, 23, Leesburg; Terri M. Custer, 24, Milford, SSO Disregarding automatic signal — Paying SSO fines and costs were: Jason D. Keim, 19, North Webster; Terry J. Cripe, 40, Syracuse No operator’s license — Donna A. Miller, 26, Milford, SSO No motorcycle endorsement — Ronald R. Ritter, 16, Syracuse, SSO Exceeding 10 m.p.h. speed limit on lake after sunset — Joseph J. Neary, 21, Leesburg, s7l Operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated — Robert A. Secrest, 33, North Webster, $257, license suspended 90 days, six days KCJ with good time credit Driving while suspended — Neal H. Germanprez, 18, North Webster, $lO5, license suspended like period Fishing without a license — Glen A. LeCount, 30, Leesburg, $66 Taking fish with a spear — Glen A. LeCount, 30, Leesburg, $66 Passenger on bow of boat — Dan F. Warren, 16, Leesburg, s6l The following fines plus court costs have been levied and paid in the Elkhart County Court, Goshen Division: Driving while intoxicated — Fern L. Moist, Syracuse, SSO, 120 days jail suspension, one year probation, attend AA per week, 90 days driver’s license suspended; Kenneth L. Harrington, Milford, $l5O, sentenced two years to Indiana Department of Corrections with credit for one day, all but five days suspended to be served in Elkhart County Jail, two years probation and one year driver’s license suspension No registration plate — Roger K. Mullins, Syracuse, $5 Reckless driving — Tod W. Debolt, Syracuse, $20,10 days jail suspension, driver’s license im-‘ pounded one week Superior Court The following complaints have been filed in Kosciusko Superior Court, Judge Robert Burner presiding: Complaint On Notes Peoples State Bank versus Mike Bryant and Sandy Bryant, 121 S. Scott St., Warsaw. The plaintiff is seeking judgment against the defendants for the sum of $6,725.18 plus interest, attorney’s fees and costs of action, for promissory notes. Complaint On Note Peoples State Bank versus Mark Slone and Marlene Slone, 105 Chestnut St., Winona Lake. The plaintiff is seeking judgment against the defendants for the sum of $4,945.06 plus interest, attorney’s fees and costs of action/ for a promissory note. Complaint For Injunction And Suit On Account Enchanted Hills Community Association, Inc. versus Pamela Blosser, r 2 box 218, Syracuse. The plaintiff is seeking judgment against the defendant for an injunction enjoining the defendant from further use of lots in Enchanted Hills, for removal of defendant’s camper, trash and debris, and for all costs of action. Complaint To Rescind Real Estate Contract Dennico, Inc. versus Syracuse Land and Manufacturing Co., Ltd., Nappanee. The plaintiff is seeking judgment against the defendant to rescind a real estate contract, $2,500, plus attorney’s fees and all costs of action. Circuit Court The following complaints have been filed in Kosciusko Circuit Court, Judge Richard Sand presiding: Reciprocal Support Beverly J. Robertson versus Kenneth E. Krause, 123 E. Shore Dr., Syracuse, for support. Notice Os Petition For Writ Os Certiorari Donald McMath versus Kosciusko County Board of Zoning Appeals, and Harold Kappler, r 2 Leesburg. The plaintiff is seeking review of decision by

Kosciusko County Board of Zoning Appeals regarding real estate in Bell Rohr Addition. Complaint Beth Beer and Keith Beer versus Michael Malloy, 403 S. Main St., Middleburg. The plaintiffs are seeking judgment against the defendant in an amount reasonable to compensate for injuries and damages received in an automobile accident Nov. 17, 1983. Plaintiffs are seeking a jury trial. Marriage Dissolutions The following couples have filed for marriage dissolutions in Kosciusko Superior and Circuit Courts: Tom — Paula J. Tom, no address given, and Kip E. Tom, no address given. The couple was married Feb. 2, 1974, and separated Oct. 4, 1985. There are five minor children. Phillippe — Vicki E. Phillippe, r 2 Leesburg, and Robert J. Phillippe, r 2 box 126, Leesburg. The couple was married Feb. 14, 1981, and separated Sept. 27,1985. Marriage Licenses The following couples have applied for marriage licenses in the office of Kosciusko County Clerk Jeanne Weirick: Slabaugh-Jaggers Steven Douglas Slabaugh, 21, r 5 box 409, Syracuse, and Jeanetta Ruth Jaggers, 19, r 2 box 545, Syracuse Henwood-Stanley Stephen Franklin Henwood, 20, r 3 box 495, Syracuse, and Fayellen Marie Stanley, 22, r 5 bo .397, Syracuse Likens-Howard James Ray Likens, 29, r 1 box 650, North Webster, and Jennifer Rose Howard, 28, r 1 box 637-A, North Webster Cash dividend declared by FN Bancorp On Tuesday, Oct. 8, the board of directors of FN Bancorp, the parent company of First National Bank of Warsaw, declared a cash dividend of 18 cents per share on the outstanding common stock. For the nine months ended September 30, 1985, FN Bancorp’s net income was $1,558,000, an increase of 39.6 percent above the first nine months of 1984. A portion of the increased income may be attributed to the acquisition of the Pierceton State Bank in October, 1984. The dividend is payable Friday, Oct. 25,1985, to shareholders of record at the close of business on Tuesday, Oct. 8,1985. Several lakes at Tri-County to be closed Several lakes on state fish and wildlife areas will be closed to fisherman to allow hunters to harvest waterfowl, according to Jim Ridenour, director of the Department of Natural Resources. In the Tri-County Fish and Wildlife area, Spear Lake will be closed to fishing from Oct. 1 through Dec. 7 or until freeze up. Shock Lake will be closed to fishing from Oct. 28 through Dec. 7 or freeze up. In addition, all other lakes on the property, excluding Wyland Lake, will be closed to fishing from Oct. 7 through Dec. 7 or until freezing.

THE MAIL-JOURNAL (U.S.P.S. 3258-4000) Published by the Mail Journal every Wednesday and entered as Second Class matter at the Post Office at Syracuse, Indiana 46567. Second class postage paid at 103 E. Main Street, Syracuse, Indiana 46567 and at additional entry offices. Subscription: sls per year in Kosciusko County; s2l outside county. POSTMASTERS: Send change of ad dress forms to The Mall Journal, P O. Box 188, Milford, Indiana 46542

"CRUZIN AROUND 'CUSE"

Toughlove Meets [very Thursday Night 7:00 P.M. At The Lakeland Youth Center

By RUTH ANGLE (EDITOR’S NOTE: This week’s column was written by Ruth Angle, a guidance counselor at Wawasee High School. She is a resident of Waubee Lake and a former summer employee of the proofreading department of The Papers Incorporated.) GREETINGS FROM my Angle! I can never resist using that salutation when I have a chance. And Arch has allowed me that chance this week. I had mixed emotions when he called to ask me if I’d write this column, but he suggested telling about our new Toughlove group, and that appealed to me. My enthusiasm waned a little when he mentioned the number of typewritten pages required. But I’m excited about some new programs involving the Wawasee High School guidance department, so I said yes. And since I have a lot to share with our community, here goes. This is my fourth year as a guidance counselor at the high school. Despite a few days when I question my job-sanity, the truth is that I like being a counselor. I’ve had a dream for some time about a parent support group. Many, many times I hear parents say “I just don’t know what to do anymore.” Teenagers say that, too, but we have resources in the school and community to work at some of their frustrations. We’ve never had an effective resource for parents. Last spring that changed. As counselors we often come across advertisements for books, pamphlets, or kits that allegedly will solve all our guidance problems. And we order some occasionally to check them out. We tried a couple of books called ‘‘Toughlove,” and when I read them last spring, I felt that I had discovered a gold mine. One book was for students and one was for parents. They were both honest, direct, and hard-hitting. The very first page of the manual for kids reads: “Warning. If you are reading this manual while you are high, drunk, stoned, tripping, or whatever, then you are wasting your time and ours. Read it straight or not at all.” I loved it! The authors didn’t beat around the bush, and they were right on target. I became all the more excited when I read that we could start our own Toughlove groups for parents and teenagers. Our young people already have very strong peer support groups, but none that operate to get them or keep them straight. Now I had a handle on a resource for both teensand parents. I shared my enthusiasm with Marilynne Curtis, guidance department director, and we came up with a couple of names of parents whom we thought might like to start a group. Schools cannot start Toughlove groups; only parents can. Any adult may attend, however. We called and loaned out our books. In the meantime, though, a couple in our community had learned of Toughlove and attended an active South Bend group. They were enthusiastic about it. 1 don’t quite recall how we made connections, but the seeds for a local group were planted early in May, 1985. That’s how Toughlove was started in the Syracuse, Milford, and North Webster communities. The South Bend Toughlove group sent some members to our first meeting, and I remember thinking that it sure sounded tough. But then it seemed to me they were really dealing with messed-up kids. I wondered if our problems were that bad. I’ve since decided that any problems which frustrate parents and tear families apart are serious enough to call for united support and action. I’m now convinced that Toughlove can be a tremendous resource for certain parents dealing with certain teenagers. The national Toughlove movement was started by Phyllis and David York. The best explanation of how and why they started this movement is found in the book entitled “Toughlove.” The Yorks are counselors who had worked with thousands of families. They thought they knew what they were talking about until their own children became “problem kids.” They had to start all over, and they challenged counselors to take a long, hard look at their profession. The Yorks did, and their results are stimulating, sometimes controversial, but extremely effective. They base their methods on the Alcoholics Anonymous concept of a support group. Most families are reluctant to admit they have problems in the home. Ask any alcoholic and you’ll hear that admitting the problem is the first step to a cure. So it is in Toughlove. Consider some of these quotes from the Yorks’ “Toughlove” book: “helplessness ... is mirrored by our own society at large. Helplessness that has developed because the solutions of the past are not working and will not work on the problems young people are creating for themselves, their families, and their communities.... We watch, immobilized, as our children and young adults willingly dance to the tune of their own self-destruction.... The common denominator is rotten behavior.... Looking for family problems and pathology which ’cause’ this behavior distracts from the real issue: the responsibility of each young person for his or her own actions.... Most of the young people who are manifesting outrageous behavior today are not ‘crazy’, they re stoned! ” The York’s views continue. They do not portray parents as gutless in our society, but they also will not neatly lay all the blame on parents and the

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breakdown of the family structure in our society. Their reason is simple. As long as we can use anyone or anything as an excuse, then we don’t have to take responsibility ourselves. If parents can blame kids, or society, or money-problems, or spouses, then they won’t have to change. And if kids can blame parents, or divorce, or drugs, or society, then they too have an excuse not to change. It all comes back to personal responsibility. And the Yorks call for that loudly and clearly. “Toughlove” is one of the best contemporary psychology books I’ve read; it provides a rationale for the parent groups. Parents who are frustrated, however, do not need a rationale. They need a solution. There are no easy answers in a Toughlove group, but there are lots of other parents who are intimately acquainted with despair, and they are; willing to share what does and does not work for them. That’s the essence of Toughlove — to learn that we are not alone and other parents will stand by us during the crisis times. What is said at a Toughlove meeting and who attends is confidential. This isn’t because it’s a secret society. This is because members are sharing intimately about their pain and their frustrations. They share only to receive; confidentiality is a very important concept of Toughlove. One of the most common criticisms of Toughlove is that these parents put their teenagers out on the street. The media has often portrayed Toughlove that way. Quite the opposite is true. When absolutely everything else has been tried (often including drug rehabilitation), but the teenager still chooses to abuse drugs or alcohol or runs away or physically abuses family members — when every effort has been made to stop this self-destruction, then it becomes apparent that the teenager is him-or herself choosing not to live as a part of that family. No loving parent would ever choose to put his or her child out of the house, but some teenagers will make that choice themselves in order to continue doing exactly what they want to do, when they want to do it. If we have never seen parents controlled by their teenager’s behavior, we can’t even imagine that it could be possible. In education we see it too man/times; it’s a very real situation. Perhaps some quotes from the Toughlove ' manual for parents will further explain this point. “TOUGHLOVE is not throwing your kid into the street or turning your back on him. TOUGHLOVE means that we allow your young people to experience the results of their behavior no matter how much we want to protect them. TOUGHLOVE means a willingness to allow our teenagers to pay fines for acts they have committed whether we think they have money or not. TOUGHLOVE means not protecting our adolescents from legal problems they have incurred whether we think they are guilty or not. TOUGHLOVE means not allowing our runaways to return home until some real resolution of our living together problem has been made. TOUGHLOVE means getting tough with ourselves and not being so quick to give away our TLC. This is hard medicine for parents to give and get. We would much rather avoid our responsibility. This is why TOUGHLOVE is so tough and why we need support from others in order to do what we know is right and loving. Most of us, as parents, help our teenagers avoid consequences, particularly when the outcome seems beyond our expectations of what we or they can handle. Soft love, however, often becomes a part of the problem that keeps our teenagers and us from experiencing the real consequences of unacceptable behavior.” As a counselor, I have been trained to look for reasons for abnormal behavior. The theory is that if we can find reasons, then we’ll know how to deal with the behavior. I still believe that kind of counseling has its place. But in another Phyllis , and David York book, called “Toughlove Solutions,” they have really challenged that theory. “People do not have to be responsible for their actions when they can cite the reason that they’re screwed up. We live in a society when a person’s behavior is readily explained by ‘causes.’ Parental action or inaction can ‘cause’ a child to behave a certain way. Therefore that child does not have to bear responsibility for his or her behavior.” And later in the book they argue: “The first thing, the very first thing any clinician has to look for in any young person is the use and abuse of drugs and alcohol.” Those are pretty challenging statements for any professional who works with young people. I may not agree totally with all that I understand about Tough love, but I believe that it can be a practical method to deal with unacceptable teenage behavior. A final quote from “Toughlove Solutions” sums it up for me: “We adults have ushered in the addictive generation and we are addicted to many things. Food, Cigarettes. Drugs. We have support groups for people trying to deal with addictions: for overeaters trying to diet, for smokers trying to quit, and for drug abusers trying to curb their own particular vice. In some ways we are also addicted to ourselves. We live in a narcissistic era where our culture urges us to pay attention to ’me,* to indulge our feelings and to do *our own thing,’ to develop and assert and explore our ’selves.’ We look out for ’number one,* even if it means busting up a family. “We are the addictive generation, creating an addictive society, and we behave like addicts toward our children.... As parents, we are so involved with our sons and daughters that we lose perspective. We lose awareness, ignore other involvements, feel a tremendous loss of self-esteem, and get no pleasure from our predictable behavior: repeatedly rescuing our kids from the consequences of their destructiveness. (Continued on page 5)