Terre Haute Weekly Gazette, Terre Haute, Vigo County, 4 November 1886 — Page 12

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I

HE STORY OF MINE.

By BEET HASTE.

MQVpyrighted, 1886, by Houghton, Mifflin & Co.,

PAET

and

published by arrangement with them.]

in.

IN CONGRESS.

CHAPTER X.

WHO LOBBIED FOB' IT.

was (1 midsummer's day in Washington. Even at early morning, •while the sun was yet level with the faces of pedestrians in its broad, shadeless avenues, it was insufferably hot. Later the avenues themselves shone like the diverging

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GASHWILER.

wiys of another sun—the Capitol—a thing to be feared by the naked eye. Later yet it grew hotter, and then a mist arose from the Potomac and blotted out the blazing arch above, and presently piled up along the horizon delusive thunder clouds, that spent their strength and substance elsewhere, and left it hotter than before. Toward evening the sun camo out invigorated, having cleared the heavenly brow of perspiration, but leaving its fever unabated.

The city was deserted. Tho few who remained apparently buried themselves from the garish light of day in some dim, cloistered r-tess of shop, hotel or restaurant, and the perspiring stranger, dazed by the outer glare, who broke in upon their quiet, sequestered repose, confronted collarless and coatless specters of tho past, with fans in their hands,who, after dreamily going through soma perfunctory business, immediately retired to sleep after the stranger had gone. Congressmen and senators had long since returned to their several constituencies, with the various information that the country was going to ruin, or that the outlook never was more hopeful and cheering, as the tastes of their constituency indicated. A few cabinet officers still lingered, having by this time become convinced that they could do nothing their own way, or indeed in any way but the old way, and getting gloomily resigned to their situation. A body of learned, cultivated men, representing the highest legal tribunal in the land, still lingered in a vague idea of earning the scant salary bestowed upon them by the economical founders of the government, and listened patiently to the arguments of counsel, whose fees for advocacy of claims before them would have paid the life income of half tho bench. There was Mr. Attorney General and his assistants still protecting the government's millions from rapacious hands, and drawing the yearly public pittance that their wealthier private antagonists would have scarce given as a retainer to their junior counsel. The little standing army of do partmental employes—the helpless victims of the most senseless and idiotic form of discipline the world has known—a discipline so made up of caprice, expediency, cowardice and tyranny that its reform meant revolution, not to be tolerated by legislators and lawgivers, or a despotism in which half a dozen accidentally-chosen men interpreted their prejudices of preference as being that reform. Administration after administration and party after party had persisted in their desperate attempts to fit the youthful colonial garments, made by our fathers after a by-gone fashicn, over the expanded limits and generous outline of a matured nation. There were patches here and there there were grievous rents and holes here and thero there were ludicrous and painful exposures of growing limbs everywhere and tho party in power and the party out of power could do nothing but mend and patch, and revamp and cleanse and scour, and occasionally, in the wildness of despair, suggest even the cutting off the rebellious limbs that persisted in growing beyond the swaddling clothwt of its Infancy.

It was a capital of contradictions and inconsistencies. At one end of the avenue sat the responsible high keeper of the military honor, valor and warlike prestige of a great nation, without the power to pay his own troops their legal dues until some selfish quarrel between party and party was settled. Hard by sat another secretary, whose established functions seemed to be the misrepresentation of the nation abroad by the least characteristic of its classes, the politicians— and only then when they had been defeated as politicians, and when their constituents had declared them no longer worthy to be even their representatives. The national absurdity was only equaled by another, wherein an expolitician was for four years expected to uphold the honor of a flag of a great nation over an ocean he had never tempted, with a discipline the rudiments of which he could scarcely acquire before he was removed, or his term of office expired, receiving his orders from a superior officer as ignorant of bis special duties as himself, and subjected to the revision of a congress cognizant of him only as a politician. At the further end of the avenue was another department so vast in its extent and so varied in its functions that few of the really great practical workers of the land would have accepted its responsibility for ten times its salary, bat which the most perfect constitution in the world handed over to men who were obliged to make it a stepping stone to future preferment There was another department, more suggestive of its financial functions from the occasional extravagances or economies exhibited in its payrolls—successive congresses having taken other matters out of its hands—presided over by an official who bore the title and responsibility of the custodian and disburser of the nation's parse, and received a salary that a bank president would have sniffed at. For it was part' of this constitutional inconsistency and administrative absurdity that in the matter of honor, justice, fidelity to trust and even business integrity, the official was always expected to be the superior of tho government he represented. Yet the crowning inconsistency was that, from time to time, it was sub-

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mitted to the sovereign people to declare if I these various inconsistencies were not really the perfect expression of the most perfect I government the world had known. And it I is to be recorded that the unanimous voices of representative, orator and unfettered poetry were that it was!

Even the public press lent itself to the great inconsistency. It was as clear as crystal to the journal on one side of the avenue that the country was going to the dogs unless the spirit of the fathers once more reanimated the public it was equally clear to the journal on the other side of the avenue that only a rigid adherence to the letter of the fathers would save the nation from decline. It was obvious to the first named journal that the "letter" meant government patronage to the other journal it was potent to that journal that the "shekels" of Senator really animated the spirit of the fathers. Tet all agreed that it was a great and good and perfect government—subject only to the predatory incursions of a hydra-headed monster known as a "ring." The ring's origin was wrapped in secrecy, its fecundity was alarming but although its rapacity was preternatural, its digestion was perfect and easy. It circumvolved all affairs in an atmosphere of mystery it clouded all things with the dust and ashes of distrust. All disappointment of place, of avarice, of incompetency or ambition, was clearly attributable to it. It even permeated private and social life there were ringstin our kitchen and household service in our public schools, that kept the active intelligences of our children passive there were rings of engaging, handsome, dissolute young fellows, who kept us moral but unengaging seniors from the favors of the fair thero were subtle, conspiring rings among our creditors which sent us into bankruptcy and restricted our credits In fact it would not be hazardous to say that all that was calamitous in public and private experience was clearly traceable to that combination of power in a minority over weakness in a majority—known as a ring.

Haply there was a body of demigods, as yet uninvoked, who should speedily settle all that. When Smith, of Minnesota, Robinson, of Vermont, and Jones, of Georgia, returned to congress from those rural seclusions so potent with information and so freed from local prejudices, it was understood, vaguely, that great things would be done. This was always understood. There never was a time in the history of American politics when, to use the expression of the journals before alluded to, "the present session of congress" did not "bid fair to be the most momentous in our history," and did not, as far as facts go, leave a vast amount of unfinished important business lying hopelessly upon its desk, having "bolted" the rest as rashly and with as little regard to digestion or assimilation as the American traveler has for his railway refreshment.

In tliis capital, on this languid midsummer day, in an upper room oT one of its second rate hotels, the Hon. Pratt C. Gashwiler sat at his writing table. There ore certain large, fleshy men with whom the omission of even a necktie or collar has all the effect of an indecent exposure. The Hon. Mr. Gashwiler, in his trousers and shirt, was a sight to be avoided by the modest eye. There were suoh palpable suggestions of vast extents of unctuous flesh in the slight glimpse offered by his open throat that his dishabille should have been as private as his business. Nevertheless, when there was a knock at his door, he unhesitatingly said, "Come in!" pushing away a goblet crowned with a certain aromatic herb with his right haiyl, while he drew toward him with his left a few proof slips of his forthcoming speech. The Gashwiler brow became, as it were, intelligently abstracted.

The intruder regarded Gashwiler with a glance of familiar recognition from his right eye, while his left took in a rapid survey of the papers on the table, and gleamed sardonically. "You are at work, I see," he said apologetically. "Yes," replied the congressman, with an air of perfunctory weariness, "ono of my speeches. Those d—d printers make such a mess of it. I suppose I don't write a very fine hand."

If the gifted Gashwiler had added that he did not write a very intelligent hand, or a very grammatical hand, and that his spell-j ing was faulty, he would have been truthful, although the copy and proof before him might not have borne him out. The near fact was that the speech was composed and writterf by one Expectant Dobbs, a poor retainer of Gashwiler, and the honorable member's labor as a proof-reader was confined to the Introduction of such words as "anarchy," "oligarchy," "satrap," "palladium" and "Argus-eyed" in the proof, with little relevancy as to position or place, and no perceptible effect as to argument

The stranger saw all this with his wicked left eye, but continued to beam mildly with his right. Removing the coat and waistcoat of Gashwiler from a chair, he drew it toward the table, pushing aside a 'portly, loudticking watch—the very image of Gashwiler —that lay beside him, and resting his elbows on the proofs, said: "Well?"

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"Havo you anything new?" asked the parliamentary Gashwiler. "Much! a woman!" replied the stranger.

Th«* astute Gashwiler, waiting further information, concluded to receive this fact gaily and gallantly. "A woman?—my dear Mr. Wiles—of course! The dear creatures," he continued, with a fat, offensive* chuckle, "somehow are always making their charming presence felt Ha! hal A man, sir, in public life becomes accustomed to that sort of thing, and knows when he must be agreeable—agreeable, sir, but firm! I've had my experience, sir—my own experience"—and the congressman leaned back in his chair, not unlike a robust St Anthony who had withstood one temptation to thrive on another. "Yes," said Wiles, impatiently "but it, she's on the other side." "The other s$to!" repeated Gashwiler, vacantly. "Yes, she's a niece Of Garcia's. A little she deviL"

But Garcia's on our side," rejoined Gash-

"Yes, but she is bought by the rinp."*"'' A woman sneered Mr. Gashwiler? what can she do with men who won't bfe made fools of Is she so handsome

THE GAZETTE TERRE HAUTE, INDIANA, THURSDAY, NOVTCMBTiltf

"I never saw any great beauty in her," said Wiles, shortly, although they say that she's rather caught that d—d Thatcher, in spite of his coldness. At any rate she is his protege. But she isn't the sort you're thinking of, Gashwiler. They say she knows, or pretends to know, something about the grant. She may have got hold of some of her uncle's papers. Those greasers were always d—d fools and, if he did anything foolish, like as not he bungled or didn't cover up his tracks. And with his knowledge and facilities, too I Why, if I'd—" but here Mr. Wiles stopped to sigh over the inequalities of fortune that wasted opportunities on the less skillful KamPrwjfci* r*k

Mr. Gashwiler became dignified. "She can do nothing with us," he said potentially. Wiles turned his wicked eye on him. "Manuel and Miguel, who sold out to our man, are afraid of her. They were our witnesses. I verily believe they'd take back everything if she got after them. And as for Pedro, he thinks she holds the jjower of life and death over him." "Pedro! life and death—what's all this?" said the astonished Gashwiler.

Wiles saw his blunder, but saw also that he had gone too iar to stop. "Pedro," he said, "was strongly suspected of having murdered Concho, one of the original locators."

Mr. Gashwiler turned white as a sheet, and then flushed again into an apoplectic glow. "Do you dare to say," he began as soon as he could find his tongue and his legs, for in the exercise of his congressional functions these extreme members supported each other—"do you mean to say," he stammered in rising rage, "that you have dared to deceive an American lawgiver into legislating upon a

"Deceive an American lawgiver." measure connected with a capital offense? Do I understand you to say, sir, that murder stands upon the record—stands upon the record, sir—of this cause to which, as a representative of Remus, I have lent my official aid? Do you mean to say that you have deceived my constituency, whose sacred trust I hold, in inveigling me to hiding a crime from the Argus eyes of justice?" And Mrfc Gashwiler looked towards the bell-pull as if about to summon a servant to witness this outrages against the established judiciary. "The murder, if it was a murder, took place before Garcia entered upon this claim, or had a footing in this court," returned Wiles, blandly, "and is no part of the record." "You are sure it is not spread upon the record?" *,i(i "I am. You can judge for yourseli

Mr. Gashwiler walked to the window, returned to the table, finished his liquor in a single gulp, and then, with a slight resumption of dignity, said: "That alters the case."

Wiles glanced with his left eye ai the congressman. The right placidly looked out of the window. Presently he said quietly, "I've brought you the certificates of the stock do you wish them made out in your own name?"

Mr. Gashwiler tried hard to look as if he were trying to recall the meaning of Wiles' words. "Oh!—ah!—umph!—let me see—oh, yes, the certificates, certainly! Of course you will make them out in the name of my secretary, Mr. Expectant Dobbs. They will perhaps repay him for the extra clerical labor required in the prosecution of your claim. He is a worthy young man. Although not a public officer, yet he is so near to me that perhaps I am wrong in permitting him to accept a fee for private interests. An American representative cannot be too cautious, Mr. Wiles. Perhaps you had better have also a blank transfer. The stock is, I understand, yet in the future. Mr. Dobbs, though talented and praiseworthy, is poor he may wish to realize. If some—ahem! some friend—better circumstanced should choose to advance the cash to him and run the risk—why it would only be an act of kindness." "You are proverbially generous, Mr. Gash* wiler," said Wiles, opening and shutting his left eye like a dark lantern on the benevolent representative. "Youth, when faithful and painstaking, should be encouraged," replied Mr. Gashwiler. "I lately had occasion to point this out in a few remarks I had to make before the Sabbath school reunion at Remus. Thank you, I will see that they are—ahem!—conveyed to him. I shall give them to him with my own hand," he concluded, falling back in his chair, as if the better to contemplate the perspective of his own generosity and condescension. Mr. Wiles took his hat and'turned to go. Before he reached the door Mr. Gash^ilfljjjjpturned to thesocial level with a chuckle: "You say this woman, this Garcia's nieo% is handsome and smart?" /, "Yes." "I can set another woman on the tr^ck that'll euchre her every time!"

Mr. Wiles was too clever to appear to notice the sudden lapse in the congressman's dignity, and only said, with his right eye: "Can you?" "By Q—d, I will, or I dont know how to represent Remus."

Mr. Wiles thanked him with his right eye, and looked a dagger with his left "Good,* he said, arid added persuasively: "Does she live here!" j.

The congressman nodded assent.

rtAn

aw­

fully handsome woman—a particular friend of mine!? Mr. Gashwiler here looked as if he would not maid to have been rallied a little over his intimacy with the fair one but the

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astute Mr. Wiles was at the same moment making up his mind, after interpreting the congressman's look and maimer, that ho must know this fair incognito if he wished to sway Gashwiler. He determined to bide his time, and withdrew.

The door was scarcely closed upon him when another knock diverted Mr. Gash wiler'a attention from his proofs. The door opened to a young man with sandy hair and anxious face. He entered the room deprecatingly, as if conscious of the presence of a powerful being, to be supplicated and feared. Mr. Gashwiler did not attempt to disabuse his mind. "Busy, you see," he said shortly, "correcting your work." "I hope it is acceptable?" said the "young man timidly. "Well—yes—it will do," said Gashwiler "indeed I may say it is satisfactory on the whole," he added with the appearance of a large generosity "quite satisfactory." "You have no news, I suppose," continued the young man, with a slight flush, born of pride or expectation. "No, nothing as yet" Mr. Gashwiler paused as if a thought had struck him. "I have thought," he said, finally, "that some position—such as a secretaryship with me—would help you to abetter appointment Now, supposing that I make you my private secretary, giving you some important and confidential business. Eh?" ii jfc»*

Dobbs looked at his patron with a certain wistful, dog-like expectancy, moved himself excitedly on his chafi- seat in a peculiar caninelike anticipation of gratitude, strongly suggesting that ho would have wagged his tail if he had one. At which Mr. Gashwiler became more impressive. "Indeed, I may say that I anticipated it by certain papers I have put in your charge and in your name, only taking from you a transfer that might enable me to satisfy my conscience hereafter in recommending you as my —ahem!—private secretary. Perhaps, as a mere form, you might now, while you are here, put your name to these transfers, and, so to speak, begin your duties at once."

The glow of pride and hope that mantled the cheek of poor Dobbs might have melted a harder heart than Gashwiler's. But the senatorial toga had invested Mr. Gashwiler with a more than Roman stoicism toward the feelings of others, and he only fell back in his chair in the pose of conscious rectitude as Dobbs hurriedly signed the paper. "I shall place them in my portman-tell," said Gashwiler, suiting the word to the action, "for safe keeping. I need not inform you, who are now, as it were, on the threshold of official life, that perfect and inviolable secrecy in all affairs of state"—Mr. G. here pointed toward his portmanteau as if it contained a treaty at least—"is most essential and necessary."

Dobbs assented. "Then my duties will keep me with you here?" he asked doubtfully. "No, no," said Gashwiler hastily then, correcting himself, he added: "that is—for the present—no!"

Poor Dobbs' face fell. The near fact was that he had lately had notice to quit his present lodgings in consequence of arrears in his rent, and he had a hopeful reliance t,hnt. his confidential occupation would carry bread and lodging with it But he only asked if there were any new papers to make out?*' "Aheml not at present the fact is lam obliged to give so much of my time to callers —I have to-day been obliged to see half a dozen—that I must lock myself up and say 'Not at home' for the rest of the day." Peeling that this was an intimation that the interview was over, the new private secretary, a little dashed as to his near hopes, but still sanguine of the future, humbly took his leave.

But here a certain providence, perhaps mindful of poor Dobbs, threw into his simple hands—to be used or not, if he were worthy or capable of using it—a certain power and advantage. He had descended the staircase, and was passing through the lower corridor, when he was made the unwilling witness of a remarkable (issault.

It appeared that Mr. Wiles, who had quitted Gashwiler's presence as Dobbs was announced, had other business in the hotel, and in pursuance of it had knocked at room No. 90. In response to the gruff voice that bade him enter, Mr. Wiles opened the door, and espied the figure of a tall, muscular, fierybearded man. extended on the bed, with the bed clothes carefully tucked under his chin, and his arms lying flat by his side.

Mr. Wiles beamed with his right cheek, and advanced to the bed as if to take the hand of the stranger, who, however, neither byword or sign, responded to his salutation. "Perhaps I'm intruding?" said Mr. Wiles blandly. "Perhaps you are," said Red Beard dryly.

Mr. Wiles forced a smile on his right cheek, which he turned to the smiter, but permitted the left to indulge in unlimited malevolence. "I wanted merely to know if you have looked into that matter?" he said meekly. "I've looked into it and around it and across it and over it and through it," responded the man gravely, with his eyes fixed •n Wiles. ive perused all the papers!" es. paper, every speech, every jjj^ie^ision, every argument," ra if repeating a formula.

affidavi jjUd the

Mr. Wiles attested to conceal his embarrassment by an 6%sy, right handed smile, that went off sarddi continued: "Then lb having thoroughly mi are inclined to be favorable to

The gentleman in the bed did apparently nestled more closely benea'

•SSESB a a-lfi-Jok." '*15. i%pp7e brought the shares I spoke of," continued Mr. Wiles, insinuatingly. "Hev you a friend within call?" interrupted the recumbent man, gently. "I don't quite understand!" smiled Mr. Wiles. Of course, any name you might suggest——" "Hev yoa a friend, any chap that you .might waltz in here at a moment's cail?" continued the man in bed. "No? Do you know any of them waiters in the house?

Thar* a bell over yan!" and he motioned with his eyes toward the wall, but did not otherwise move his body. "No," said Wiles, becoming sligntly suspicions and wrathful "Mebbe a stranger might do? I reckon thars one passin' in the halL Call him in—

1880.

A,

he'll do!" Wiles opened the door a little impatiently, yet inquisitively, as Dobbs passed. Tho man in bed called out, "Oh, stranger!" and, as Dobbs stopped, said, "Come yar."

Dobbs entered a little timidly, as was his habit with strangers. "I don't know who you be—nor oare, I reckon," said the stranger. "This yer man" pointing to Wiles—"is Wiles. I'm Josh Sibblee of Fresno, member of congress from tho Fourth congressional district of Californy. I'm jist lying here with a derringer into each hand—jist lying here kivered up and holdin' in on'y to keep from blowin' the top o' this d—d skunk's head off. I kinder feel I cant hold in any longer. What I want to say to ye, stranger, is that this yer skunk—which his name is Wiles—hez bin tryin' his d—dest to get a bribe onto Josh, and Josh, outo respect for his constituents, is jist waitin' for some stranger to waltz in and stop thed—dest fight "But, my dear Mr. Sibblee, there must be some mistake," said Wiles, earnestly.'" "v "Mistake? Strip me!" "No! Nol" said Wiles, hurriedly, as the simple-minded Dobbs was about to draw down the coverlid, "Take him away," said 'the Hon. Mr. Sibblee, "before I disgrace my constituency. They said I'd be in jail afore I get through the session. Ef you've got any humanity, stranger, shake him out, and pow'ful quick, too."

Dobbs, quite white and aghast, looked at Wiles and hesitated. There was a slight movement in the bed. Both men started for the door, and the next minute it closed very decidedly on the member from Fresno.

To be Continued.)

I* A DAKOTA 3BLIZZARD.J How It Comes On and How Remoi seless •*j.i».«•*/ J.. •.

I J-5 It IS. S a or re a on a ii NEW YORK, Oct 25.—The Dakota dusk was closing in as I sat in the sleigh and tried to rouse the driver from the stupor into which he had fallen—a stupor produced in part by the intense cold, and in part by the infernal whisky he got at the last groggery we had

"Jake, wake up!" Yaa-aa-aas." V" Wake up, I tell you!'*

Yaa-uh." Far as the eye could see there was nothing but snow—snow piled in drifts—snow falling in remorseless whirls and eddies and circles through the tingling air. Not a house in sight-nor a trep.

Heavens, how cold!" I beat my hands—I ground my teeth—I fought the sleep that I felt was coming on— the sleep of death, whatever that dumb, blind thing may be.

The horses plunged aimlessly through the drifts—now to the right—now to the left— then stopped, panting, neighing low, broken, fitifulmighs. at *ui I "Jake!" "Yaa—aa—aas—zoon—puhty zoon!"

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"No! now!" I yelled, smiting him a frightr ful blow in the face. Then I tried to tear the reins from his hand, but my numb fingers mocked at mv will. One of the horses fell— quivering. Its companion tried to push onr tottered and lay prone.

And the snow fell merrily and the start visible in tiie rift of cloud overhead seemed to laugh down at me and the wind! Ah! How blithely it danced over thte white drift just before us!

I crouched down—down—down in the box tf the sleigh.

"Hew dark!" I whispered to myself. "But it isn't cold now," and I laughed a low, satisfactory laugh. I don't know but there seemed to be a break in my thoughts just there—the vast, unutterable silence and darkness of annihilation rolled over me, and I was not Brain, soul, call the conscious self what you please, was utterly blotted out Then "Why!" and I clapped my hands gladly, like a pleased child. "Why, just look at those green woods yonder, with the sunbeams spilling through their blossoming boughs! And the wild roses! Ah, how beautiful! And see the lake—the lake! Why, it is Silver lake and this—this must be Ohio! Oh, yes, Ohio! When I was here before—ah! how many years ago was that?—I was only a boy. And the sky was like a great, throbbing diamond the woods waved their green branches the wild roses reached to kiss me butterflies waltzed down the rays of sunshine, and the birds were caroling just as they are now. Then, as I passed on, I came to the lake, and there, Oh, beloved! I found you. Under the roses—under the dust of the years, you are sleeping now, my pet! But then, ah! how your eyes sparkled with the ineffable light of heaven, as you turned with a smile to mel And there is the wood—the lake—the immortal green, blue and gold of sod and sky and sun—there it all is—just as it was centuries ago, beloved! centuries ago, when you and I were looking on it last!" "Hey, there, old feller! Hey, I say!"

I am lying somewhere. Coarse but kindly men are over me. They are beating my palms and soles and rubbing me-with snow, and forcing infernal draughts of brandy down my throat. Every nerve is a sword every sword sends a hideous pain into the most sensitive part of my body. "For God's sake, let me sleep!" I moan but they have no pity. "Wake or die," says one.

And so they brought me back to life out of the horrible jaws of a blizzard. WILL HUBBABD

The Weather Prophet's Wife.

iPIIUWf f!^py4lM'y| K'JfVi pwrniT

:?K

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The Observer yesterday meta Canadian ipaper man who happens to be well [uainted with "Prof." E. Stone Wigins. "What is the fellow—honest crank malicious humbug?" inquired the Obsei*ver. A little of both, perhaps," rejoined my acquaintance. "He is an amateur and shallow astronomer with a sort of mania for running afoul of every authority from Sir Isaac Newton to Richard Proctor. Still, I doubt if he would ever have been much heard of or noticed but for his wife. She is the clever member of the firm, and knows the money value of notoriety even when attended by the most arrant sort of charlatanism. She is the pr.id- and mentor of E. Stone Wiggins.—New York Graphic. 'Charles F. Brush owns one of the* largest and costliest stone residences in this country. He is determined that the walk leading through his grounds from the street to his front door shall describe a geometrical curve, and he has spent some hours of his busy days in instructing his workmen how to lay it,. often getting down on his hands and knees in order to draw the line.—Harper's Weekly

Queer Wrinkles. *.}f BETTER LATE THAN NEVER. 'IFF Old Mr. Bently (reading the paper)—I sea SH that Solomon has been indicted for bigamy. Old Mrs. Bently—Well, it's Iwut time. The idea of a man having 700 wives.

HOME, SWEET HOHE.

Lady (looking at Harlem flat)—The rooms seem very small. Janitor (frankly)—Yessum, de rooms am small fo' a fac'. Lady—I don^t .. see how my husband, baby and I could ever go to bed in that room. Janitor—Yo' might do as the other lady an' gemmen did what occerpied de rooms befo'. Lady—How wag, that? Janitor—Dey went ter bed tandem.

WRONGFULLY ACCUSED.

Magistrate (to prisoner)—Have you ever been arrested before, Uncle Rastus? Uncle Rastus—Yes, sah. Magistrate—How many times? Uncle Rastus—Well, 'bout fo'ty, I gisB, but, yo' honah, one of dem times I wnzzent convicted. Dey proved me as innercent as er new bo'n babe.

A SOVEREIGN REMEDY:'

"Well, Sister Sus'n Jane, I cert'n'y am rejoicediddat yo"aintgot detarryfied fever but ef yo' has jes' got common malary. why, queenan's de ting fur dat Iffastes bad, but de wuss a medersin tastes do mo' good it doot you."

ALTOGETHER COMMENUABLE.

Mrs. Waldo, a Boston lady (to her niece, visiting from Chicago)—I am glad to know, Cicely, dear, that you are interested in literature.

Cicely—Yes, wo have recently formed a club, you know. One member subscribes for Harper's, another for The Centary, another for The Popular Science Monthly, and so on, and then we all go snacks.

IN THE FAMILY.

s-'ii

SUCCESSFUL ALL ABOUND.

'Most everybody has his pet phrase, which he is apt to use upon all occasions. Mr, Hayseed's "met. with some success." "How are you getting xt$ with your stock raising?" he was asked recently. "Well," he replied* "Pve met ,with some success in raisin' calves."

MJ£ow

is your oldest boy doing at school?" "Well, IK'S meetin' with some success as a ieholar." "He ought to, for he's been well brought ftp. Your wife is a splendid woman,

Hayseed." "Well, yes, the old lady has —«r—met with some success as a female." li T-'COMING TO THE RESCUE.

4

i^t&r—How old aro you, Willie? Willie-^ Six years old. Visitor—And when were cm 6? Willie—I don't know. Visitor—Oh, ifliel a great big boy like you, and not know when you were 6 years old! Willie's Little Sister—I know when he was 6 years old. Visitor—There, Willie your little sister knows. When was it, Sadie? Little Sister—On his birthday.

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A DOG'S UNFORTUNATE MISTAKE. "Yes," said Mr. Hendricks to the minister, "I am proud of that dog. Why, he knows the different days of the week." Just then the dog began to run to a gun which stood in the corner, then back to his master, and wag his tail. "He's made a mistake this time, pa," said young Bobby "he*thinks it's Sunday."

WHY THEY ENVXED ADAM AND EVE. He was one of thoee men who are always and forever harping on how differently his mother used to do things. Apropos of the irritating subject, at dinner one day she said, with a sigh: "My dear, you've BO idea how I envy Eve!" "And why, pray? "Because, my dear, she never once heard Adam say, with exasperating frigidity, 'These pies lack the flavor of those my mother baked.'" "And I know some married men who must envy Adam, for he didn't even know what a mother-in-law was."—Harper's Bazar-

Illustrated Darwinism.

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EVOLUTION OF THE BEAU. —St Paul Herald.

The Very Best Oranges.

The very sweetest and richest oranges «iethe black or rusty-coated fruit. Pick out the dingiest oranges in the box, and you will get the best Another way to choose oranges is by weight. The heaviest are the best, because they have the thinnest skin and more weight of juice. Thick skinned oranges are apt to be dry they either weigh less because of having so much skin, or because of the poverty of the juice in these particular specimens. A slight freezing of the trea causes this condition in otherwise fine fruit—Nowman (Ills,) Independent

The Man With a Harp.

It was in the infant class of a Sunday school. The teacher was trying to bring out the fact that David was a man of varied occupations. There had been smooth sailing until the question was asked: "What do you call a man who plays on the harp?" After a brief pause a youngster raised his hand and answers: "An Italian." The teocbers and scholars had a good laugh and a new topic was introduced. —Omaha World.

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'Jib*t!»

Magistrate—You are old enough to know better than to drink whisky, Uncle Rastus. Uncle Rastus—I kain't help it, yo' honah. I inheritid a tas' fo' it Magistrate—Inherited a taste for it? Uncle Rastus- Yas sah. Dat boy Sam 'o mine is drunk mos' ob de tima— New York Sun. vurr

Facetiae.

A WICKED LITTLE BOY.

$obby—Ma, you dont want me to play with wicked boys, do you? Mother—No, indeed, Bobby. Bobby—Well, if one little boy kicks another little boy, isn't it wicked for him to kick him back? Mother—Yes, Bobby, very wicked. Bobby—Then I dont play with Tommy White any more. He's too wicked. I kicked him this morning, and be kicked me back.

A QUESTION OF FINISH., Higgs—And what course would yoa wish your daughter to pursue—the dead languages and the severer studies, or French and deportment? Mrs. Veneer (whose husband has just retired from the furniture line with a fortune)—Oh, nol I can't abido the dead finish give her the French polish, even if it costs a little more.