Terre Haute Weekly Gazette, Terre Haute, Vigo County, 13 March 1884 — Page 9

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SCIENCE SIMPLIFIED. $»*? 4 A or Kflnlm Jisai ml 1 "^whaVTwLi^"

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Bald ths nnati conHnit-tee$

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"A

bit white, op gold, «r grew* ,7 Pi%f unfold tbs mystery." $ "Wp «ro« tha merchant, than,

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With an oily, unctuous grace Ting wu he *BODgit butter lymii -miu upon his face. «4 Listen, atd I will unfold,

In the simplest speedi I utter

v^.Tbls compound of brightest gold Is compoMd of lard and batter.

1

First the laird deodortaa, Till it's soft as finest arilk Draw it off and skim the fttaa,

Churn it in the riehast milk. .» Then some real batter shaha In the mixture then luiiMNi

All together then you take

',It for butter, or for worse." Down be slipped into his seat With a countenance serene, V* And a smile as soft and sweat -V.! As his golden butterine.

The *eeletr Heparter.

[Journal Amass lit]

Pttsonal observation of the facts brings him sometimes into embarrastng rituatlwa

A TrathM Pair. [Hawkeye.]

Marie Twain and Petroleum V. Nasby, sajs Donn Piatt, dined with Bli Perkina at the tatter's residence in New York. Tbs coovenation at that dinner 1 shall never forget. TOte stories told and the reminiscences brought out at that dinner would All a small book.

After the last course, and after the ladies had withdrawn, the conversation tuned upon horses. Finally Mr. Twain laid down his cigar and asked Parkins and Nasby If tbeyhad ever heard of a fast horse be (Mark} used to own in Nevada. "I think not," said Nasby. "Wei, gentlemen," continued Mr. Twain, as he blew a smoke ring and watched it, "that was a fast horse. He was a very fast frnyty Bat he was so tough-bitted that I couldn't guide him with a bit at all" "How did you guide himf asked Bli. "Well, gentlemen, I had to guide him with electricity. I hai to have wire lines and had to keep a battery in the wagon all the time ia order to stop him." •Why didnt you stop him by hollering who-af ashed Eli. "Stop him by hollering who-al" exclaimed Mr. Twain. "Why I could not boiler loud smmgh to make that horse bear me. He traveled so fast that no sound ever icached him from behind." "Look here, gentlemen, interrupted Eli, -irta^g of the truth, did yon ever bear how I went to prayer mooting at Hew London, Connecticut, in a rain stonnP

They said (hry bad not. "Well, gentlemen." taid Bli, "cine day I started for the New London prayer meeting on horseback. When I got about half way then, there came tip a fearful storm. The wind blew a hurricane, the rain fell in torrsnte, the lightning gleamed through the sky, and I went and crouched down behind a large barn. But pretty soon the lightning slraok the barn, knocked it into a thousand ^illakirs. and sent my horse whirling over into a neighboring eornfleld." "Did it kill you, Mr. Perkine!". asked Mr. Twain, the tears rolling down his cheeks. "No, it didnt kill me," I said, "but I was a mod deal dlsooursnd."

4'Well,

1

what did you do, Mr. Perkins!"

"What did I dot Well, gentlemen, to tell the heoest Connecticut truth, I went right aat into the pasturs, took off my coat, humped up my bare back, and took eleven alps of lightning right on my bare backboast drew the electricity all out of the sky, and then got on my horse and rode into New Imdon in time to lepd at the evening prayer

Aliss and sing.

v' Veeaillar ^'1?% (puck.)

*TO return it oa Bate •sday, surer

"Heavws! my wife Ce sse this to port wwekr

sir, "Oocneeat ea the a3ni» ridwrrikp1

lite this isn*t synel"

Pato«t Kxpsaelaa AeiM Isiyensr. (JmM Among the many sahibits at [the caatea* ary, of ballooning which took place recently, it was notice able that the end sought in the various balloons was the elevation of man above the earth for a» long a period as poesibl* It remained for a Yankee inventor to ippfy the sustaining power of the balloon to man when already elevated," leaving the latter business to the influence of a well known and too much tried

agency.

Thus It

is often with the greatest inventions, they remain dormant for centuries before some practical use is made of them, and so will it be with the Kesly

Mrs. Stantaa ssi Heracs Greeley. [Liltie Devereaux Blake.] A curious story Is that of the dlsagrssmsnt between Mrs. Stanton aqd Horace 3reeley. For years they were Arm friends thsy were ardent workers in the antt-slavery causs and in the early days of woman's right's conventions, The Tribune could alway* be depended on for a fair report of their proceedings. But Mr. Greeley never gave in his adherence to the demand of equal softragsi He thought women should have all advantagee of eduoatlon open to theni, and opportanities for occupation, and equal pay for equal wewk. He even held with Dr. Bushnell that women should have the right of offering their hands to those whom they preferred, but'he could net think that those same hands might properly drop a ballot into a box. During the civil war Mrs. Stanton turned the laugh on the sage of The Tribune when amid a group of friends he said to hart "Madame, the ballot and the bullet go together. If you want to vote, are you ready to flghtf "Certainly, sir," she replied, "I am ready to fight just as you have fought, by snndiag a substitute*

Thsska far Nsttlsc, [London Fan.]

Boy (to gentleman, who has not given hipa any rewaid for carrying his portmanteau): "An' please, sir, what must I ssg If any one asks me how much I haa to thank you fori"

UsicElls Clah Phileaefhf, [Detroit Free Press.] "Jud«e Cadaver will please step die way," said Brother Gardner, as he motioned to Samuel Shin to raise the alley window and let out the odor of burning bootleg.

The judge came forward with a pressors of 250 pounds to the square inch, and the president continusd: "Judge Cadaver, a society at Defiance, O., known as 'De Aggregation of Philosophy an' Science,' has requested me to send 'on down some member ob dis club who kin deliber a lecktur' full of interest an' instruokshun. I has selected yen. Heah am eight dollars in cash an' a railroad pasa, an' you will lsave heah to-morrow arterooon."

The judge looked so meltingly sweet that everybody began to grin..

BBOTBXR OABbmn.

•1 now desiah to spoke a few remarks to you," said the president. "You are gwina amoag strangers. You will meet wid blacklegs and bondholders an' all odder clasiss of men. "Doan* talk too much wid your mout "Doan* try to make anybody believe dal you am a millyunaire. "Doan' stop to bst on de string gams or three-card monte. "Doan' portend you know what jn doan' know an' nebber heard of. "Doan* stop to argy religun wid infidels nor polly ticks wid a young man who cant

"If anybody calls you Icernai' you needn't stop to explain his mistake, bat at da same time doan' hire anyone to call you *perfessor.' "If you loss your money by playin' policy while you am gone, come home by de highway an' say nuffln' to nobody. If you a knocked down an' robbed you kin telegraph us an' count on receivin' *bout fo' dollars ia cash. Dat's all, judge, an* you kin now re sumayer roost"

Exchange: A good old man up in Epping, N. H., want to prayer meeting the other night, and anwittingly fell asleep. He was %p to offer prayer, and, being dutifully punched by his better hirif, bellowed out: "Gol darn it, Betsy, kindle it your ••if."

i#l#i

:'v,'

THE REP SUNSETS.

[Puck.]

Semetimss the 8unday-?chool book kite It eight, and the wicked man gete it square ia the nose. I've known several instances myMlf where such was uot the case, and I dielire this moment to give one at those Insldante to the civilised world.

In the winter of 19-'80, there was quite a party of as camped on the Musselshell, Iradan and buffalo-hunters, some in tents and some in "shocks I grieve to say that the majority of the party kept right on through the cold weather fighting against fee rattlesnake bite of the preceding sum

Only one man of the gang seemed to have Hnscientious scruples against shsep-dip and the juice of Nation. That was WyanAotte Smith, of Ubst.

He said when he got ready to soak his soul In the liquid of the devil, ha would take his tf'T'*— In due form after he had shed mortality and put on immortality. Those were the tenets of Wyandotte Smith. He pro posed to offer absolution 000a in a while as to what should go into his internal economy to steal away tha gray matter of his cerebellum.

One night when the coin-silver slice of moon rods high athwart the asure dome, a band of buffalo-slayers and "muskrat skinasrs," filled with mischief and valley tan, stole forth to have some fan with Wyandotte Smith.

When a meat head begins to enlarge with an alcoholic idea, you will gens rally find him ssarrhing for a temperance man with whom he can argue while he breathes at him with that odor of the cynical bung-starter, and tries to convince him that total abstinence is vitally wrong.

These boys decided that they would monksp with the Queen Elisabeth fireplaoe connected with Mr. Smith's shack.

This modern ruin was constructed of flat stm ntm laid ons on ths other in a rude way, partly outside and partly inside the old

Tr"* you could see through the chinks Mr. Wyandotte Smith frying bacon or Porkspolis quail.

The plan was to sift soma gunpowder through the interstices (whatever those are) af the rustic chimney into the fire, and BUTprias Mr. Wyandotte Smith with ths forthwith and extremely ceuescutive manner in which it would sputter. The party would fesu laugh softly and do it seme mora

A young Swede, called by the party TwoQuart Ksttleson, took the hag of powder and began to aift it into the big broad chimney, while the rest stood locking into the shack to watch Wyandotte Smith when the Are should begin to stem^ assr and spit at him.

Wyandotte Smith wasstnglng "Oh,what

and jabbiag the bacon •very little while with a pair of old fashioned bullet mould* gettlassn sifted in some powdsr. It did not make aap ra»

He sifted It

though it damp. Ha let in some more, mid finally got disgusted and poured the whole blamed thing la but it nsver even

Wyandotte Smith went on: "Whatshall ths harvsst be—•—e I Oh, what shall the harvest bef

As be struck high XsttsIsMi Shot OHF, Two-Quart Kettleson shot through Jack-pine out into the great trackless void, into ths silsnos and ths night, into ths ether blue, across the place where they hang op the robe of night athwart the atmost rim of ths horison went Mr. Kettle* Von with unflagging momentum, while in ths little cabin we could hear Wyandotte warbling his abnormal inquiry as to What the harvest should be.

It turned out that there was a large sbolvtag rook in the wide chimney that held the whole keg of powdur till Wyandotte struck the high note ia his song and that pasasd a little into the fire. Then Mr. Kettlaeon took dis flight We failed to find him.

We tried a certiorari and a requisition from the Governor, a aearch warrant and a quart af bensine bat we did not find him.

Last Fall we got pomes 1 ion of a msdium at Ubet, and asked if any one had sssn anything of a stray liver mixsd up in ths (low of ths red, red sunsets.'

Bra. Nm

Heart

(Harper's Baaar.]

"Hare, my colored friend, what's that you've pit under your coatf* "Shi doan' agitate ma Data de heart disease^ an' Ts liable to go eff aay mianit"

Philadelphia Call: The report that Miss Terry has four living bnabanfls is a mean, miserable, dsapieahla alandai alerted by the vooomed tia|Ma of She haa «siy

TERRE HAUTE, INDIANA, THURSDAY, MARCH 13,1884. *,-

The OM isx Barsmaa. [London Punch]

Bl||set showman ia the world bar-non*

MAS

K*volr.»

[Chicago Tribune.]

"Why are you sad when speaking thorn words!" he asks. No answer. The vesper chiires of the cathedral a league away come stealing over the hills that lie to the westward, and as their tones—street and solemn and faint—fall upon Caroline's port ear, Jasper feels a shudder pass over her lithe form. She is intensely religious, this girl, and with the sudden instinct of a man who has played third base he resolves to turn this reverence of hers for all things' spiritual to account "Listen," be says in whispered tones. "It is the vesper hour. The chimes are calling the faithful to worship, and one who delibsrately tells a falsehood at this time can nsver be saved. You know this, Caroline, do you not?" "Yes," murmurs the girL "And would you perjure yourself}" "No." The voice is faint and low. "Then toll me," be says, "why you were sad when saying 'Au revoir* to me a little time ago." "I cannot," she says. "But you must," continuss Jaspar. demand an answer."

For one instant she looks up at him, her pure young face as white as if the hand of death were upon it, and then ehe whispers softly: *'I cannot" "But why can you not tell me the cause of your sadnem when speaking thorn words!" "Because," Ae says, looking at him tenderly. "I do not know what they mean

a

Well CaaghtP* London Judy.

1

Delicate young lady (just within reach of the "catch" of the season): "Oh, dear! Will somebody—Oh, I think 1 am going to faintl"

Heartless old bachelor (turning away as a young man receives her in his arms): "Hamphf and very cleverly done, too."

"ieeaa Ul(e a miatake Somevrhar." [Boston Globe.] "Say, Sambo, do you know where Ward'a place is in the Sontb End!" ''Golly, mwtsa, bet yer life Sambo know dat" "All right. Take this horse there, an£ here's fifty cents for your trouble,".said a South End grocer by the name of 'Ward, who had purchased for $48 one of the animals during the sale of worn-out horses at the horse-car stables. Three hours later the grocer having gone to his place of business, but not finding either darkey or horse, returned to tlie stables in dudgeon to get track of his property, if possible. The negro approached. "Here, you black rascal, what have you done with my horse!" "Look, 'em over yander, massa." "Over where!" "Down whar yer tole me, Gen'l. (Jolly, 'Waited «no31 fo' hour, den told de gen'man raus' Start fp' de stable. He say, 'Dot's all rlgHt, Sambo. Here's de dollar,' an' den he dun knock 'im in de head." "Knock wh—but the truth of the whole matter flashed upon the irate grocer's mind, and he has never finished the sentence. His 948 horse had gone to Ward's baneyard instead of to its right destination, and had been knocked in the head as the first step toward being converted into various mercantile articles at the HH Without aword the unfortunate man started for his store, while Sambo, watching his rstreating form, was heard to mutter. "Golly Seems like dar was a mistake somewharr_ tereas rsinesesa [Chicago Herald.]

A Osiaan is so poltts that if yoa inquirs after hfe health be answers: "Thanks to the honor you do me in asking such a question my health ia good." A sick man says to ths psrson who visits him: "Thanks to your visit, I am bsttar.* If a Corean speaks to a Japanass he commences: "You are so learned," or "You are eo great and if he meet a funeral proceed on ha stops it, and, going up to ths coffin, says: "I profoundly regret Hie death of this virtuous man," even if ha bad ta his lifs sssn or hsard of the de-

PECK'S BAD BOY AND HIS PA

The Boy Has Got a Job Keeping Ills Pa Out or Politics. "Get out of here now, pretty lively," said the groceryinan to the bad boy, as he came in rubbing his hands and trying to be pleasant. "A boy 'hat will loaf around here and eat things, aiiJ kick when I ask him to help me sort over potatoes, can't stay in my store. Gitl" and the grocery man picked up a link of sausage and looked mad. "When you want work done, say so and I will help you," said the boy, "but when you say 'let's have some fun sprouting potatoes or carrying in coal,* that is too thin. But I have got all the work I want on my bands now. I have been appointed pa's guardian, by ma, and I am straining every nerve to keep pa out of politics." "Good gracious," said the groceryman in alarm, "I am sorry for your pa, if be has got his head set on goin? into politics. I was in politics one year myself, and it has taken me five years to get out and pay my debts, and now every ward politician owes me for groceries. "You cant't do if as lo"g as the fever is on," said the groceryir

/j.

off.

"You have got

to watch him. and 1 he meets with defeat or reverses in politics, then fire some sense into him. But as long as he is red-hot in a campaign nothing will stop him. "There was award politician that I knew once that used to make a specialty of laborwith the workmen. One day he was on top of a building that was being erected, arguing with a brick layer, when his foot slipped and he fell

As he was going dewn be

passed a hod carrier going up with a load of mortar. You would think that man would forget politics as he was falling, and say his prayers, or pick out a soft place to strike on the sidewalk,

but he didn't. An he passed the hod carrier he yelled to him, 'Don't forget the caucus to-night in your ward and get out all the boys.' He struck in abed of soft mortar which saved his life, and as they took a bos and pulled him to the surface he scraped the mortar out of his eyes, and as a doctor came op to set his boneS he asked the doctor if he had -,»'u up his tnind how to vote this year. No, sir, there is no room in a politician for anything except politics. I was never so annoyed in my life as I was once in church when they put a politician in my paw, and when we got up to sing and opened the hymn book, the politician had a Republican presidential ballot under his thumb, and I had to read it all through. Dear me, if you can get your pa out of politics do it, if you have to scare the life out of him." "Let ma and me alone for that," said the boy. "We are experimenting with phosphorous, and some night when the campaign is fairly opened, and pa comes honu late at night acting crooked, be wiil sea the handwriting on the wall of a dark room, and the skeletons and snakes and animals and things that will visit him will break him up. SI every politician had a good little boy to look after him he might be saved or killed, which would be better than lingering in politics to be cut down like a flower after he had gone through his property and lost his health," and the boy went out to learn how to draw a skeleton on the wall with, phosphorous, and the groceryman sat and thought of his own experience as a politician.

The Lsw In a Horse Trade. [Hawkeye.] The Pennsylvania courts have decided that while you mustn't lie about it directly and openly, it is perfectly lawful to keep your mouth shut during a horse trade, and while you must not warrant an animal as perfectly sound in limb and condition, without fault spot, mar or blemish, when you know that he has a glass eye, goat neck, mange, saddle galls, roach back, ring bone, quarter crack, spavin, flat foot, wind galls, scratches, capped hock, stiff joint bUnd staggers, oxfoot, rattail and hollow back, yet you are not compelled to call attention to these minor defects in the splendid Kentucky bred animal you are trytag to trade the stranger for a spring wagon, set of harness, two-year-old colt and $75 dollars cash. This is a wise and humane law, and lets the deacon out of a great many tight places, where otherwise trade would be paralysed, the arteries of commerce choked and stagnated by the unwise hand of oppressive laws, and panic, mistrust and depression would settle down opto a hopeless world in the rayless gloom of mistrust and suspicion.

Ihe Heal White Elephant.' [Washington Hatchet.]

Baraum's white elephant receiving his daily wash. Chicago Tribune: xne momentary reiiei gehMMl Vy inatri1""! a good boss is dearly

There is no self-government poesi*

hie to thooe fehe will not govern themselves.

"i.

To Prov«yit Cruelty to Animate. [Daily Graphic.]

Administer an anaesthetic before capital punishment.

Scientific Combination* [Life.]

The Western Rotary Anti-tornado Villa and Pneumatic Ascensional

Safety

Apart­

ment. —Patented Feb. 29, 1884. This ingenious and self-acting device will be found to fill a long felt western want For airiness and beauty of construction it takes precedence of the Queen Anne species of cottage, and at the same time is durable and absolutely safe. Th" out represents the apparatus complete, as. designed for protection against either cyclones or floods. The vertical shaft iB of granite or iron, thoroughly morticed and cut with the grain.

The Jtood and tornado proof domieiU. It is erected ona foundation of polished red marble seventy-one feet under ground. The figures shown are both useful and ornamental, exhibiting at any moment the stage of the water. The dwelling house is of cor ruga ted sheet iron, lined with fire brick and cork. It is water tight, sad is supplied with pomps, bowling alleys, a shooting gallery and saloon. Tien of life preservers for the bogs are ranged around the pantry, and wire hen coops are provided abaf t—-eo tor speak—in which the most fastidious pvultry may be accommodated and made happy.

The action of the apparatus is simple and effective. The shaft referred to, being carefully buttered, slips easily through its grooves, and enables the structure to rise in of a flood, or revolve with great smoothuess and rapidity during a cyclone.

Agents willing to assume all risks, and whose lives are insured, can get terms at this office.

The Amende Honorable. [Texas Sittings.] A stranger traveling on horseback through the backwoods of Arkansas was very much impressed with* the familiarity that existed between the pigs and the natives., Tha swine had a free pass to the privileges of the house, and seemed to make liberal use of it. Riding up to a shanty, the stranger asked a tall, unkempt specimen of human-, ity: '-C "Why don't you keep your pigs out of your house!" "Look here, stranger," responded the Arkansas man, putting his hands in his pockets, "ef you mean to say that my family ain't fitten for hogs to associate with, just come out like a man and say it."

The stranger immediately appeased the native by conceding that the farmer was a fit associate for a hog, and the usual greeting of Light, stranger, and have some simmons beer. Roll a pumpkin., out fromi under the bed, and make yourself at hum. When you fust spoke I thought you was getting some sarcasm on me, and I dont propose to take any of that

Tne nones or contention. [Fliegende Blatter.]

Lady—"Why do yoa give me so many bones with my meat! My husband 00mplains about it"

Butcher—"I judged from you that your husband liked bones."

Ward's tast Joka

Josh Billings says Artemus Ward left his mother 40,000 in his will, whsn he hadn't •0 cents to hw£gia^__.