Terre Haute Weekly Gazette, Terre Haute, Vigo County, 4 March 1880 — Page 6
THE DEVIL
His Satanic Majesty is Interviewed by our Enterprising Reporter
AND SOME VALUABLE AND INTERESTING* FACTS ELICITED
Touching the Future State of Man,
HE DISCLAIMS ANY CONNECTION WHATEVER WITH OUR LOCAL PANDEMONIUM.
He is not Only a Philosopher but an Accomplished Acrobat.
"CUDS OF SWEET AND BITTER FANCY" FOR THE THOUGHTFUL TO CHEW.
From Saturday's Dally.
The reporter deemed that he had exhausted all llie sources of information on the subject ot Hell, having interviewed the ministeis, the laity, the lawyers, the young lady and even a member of his own profession and it was in the sweet stilly hours of the night he lay upon his bed smoking and sighing because it was, forsooth, his last, cigar, and wondering what next. Presently he fell asleep but soon wakened and was surprised that the lamp was burning so dimly and much startled on looking about to see a figure somewhat ghostly in appearance but withal so jovial and kindly looking that the momentary fear was entirely dispelled and the reporter opened up the conversation with a "Well, what can I do for you?" "I think I'll take a smoke to begin •with if you don't object," said the personage, taking from his ulster pocket large, peculiar looking pipe, with a long flexible «tem and filling it irom my package, "and then I will tell you my business."
He soon had his pipe going, and puffing it with evident satisfaction, as he leaned back in the large chair said: "Well, I suppose you don know me."
I confessed my ignorance of his identity but expressed a desire to cultivate his acquaintance, and encouraged him to lay a6ide formality and make himself and his business known.
He confessed he could bring no credentials, and from remarks he had heard about himself—he was traveling in cog.— he presumed his reputation for uprightness and honesty was not very good in this locality and very fairly proposed that I should only trust him to the extent of his 6tory's credibility until I should know him better. Here he drew an asbestos handkerchief from his pocket, wiped his face and resumed his pipe and as he did so (it may have been mere fancy on impart) I thought I discernnd a look of injured innocence upon his face as of one "more sinned against than sinning.'' He resumed: "Yes, I have been grievously maligned and misrepresented hereabout, as indeed is the case almost everywhere I have ever been, .to &uch an extent that those whom I earnestly desire tj befriend and seive, I lind with their minds so poisoned against me by these slanders that I am not able to gain a hearing where my intentions are the very best.
It is a little hard to have one's purest motives construed as only covert attempt to work injury." And the asbestos kerchief was brought into requisition again but I was not sure whether for the purpose of wiping away a rising tear that might have welled up troni his deep set eyes at the thought oi the injustice done him, or only as a matter of habit. By this time 1 hnd begun to think I had received a call from some monomaniac who was anxious to enlighten me by dilating, probably upon the subject of perpetual motion or spiritualism, but it turned out differently He said
tt
So you do not know me Well, I am Hot surprised, though you must have seen many pictures, and heard many descriptions ef me, but they are none of them genuine."
And he handed me,a card, likewise oi* asbestos, on which was the simple name, Devil.'' I don't know why I never thought of doubting it, but I didn't, and I extended my hand which he shook heartily, and said, Why, my dear fellow, you aie the person of all persons I am wanting to... see. I want to interview yoe."
Of courae," he said, I knew you did, and that's why I came. 1 have seen your articles on the subject of Hell in the GAZKTTS, (by the way a mighty good paper) and 1 thought it would just «uit you to have some official' information on the subject to give your readers." "Look here, old fellow, do you go to the theatres?" said I. 'Hardly ever,' he said, with a merry twinkle in his mischievous, gray eye, and we both shook hands again. "It's all right, this time," said I, "but don't you do that again," and, being impatient to know what he had to say about his residence, I proceeded straight to the interview:
R. Well, what CAN YOU tell me about Hell? D. Well, what I can't lell you' you will not be likely to find out until your epitaph has become illegible on the gran iteoveryour grave. I know all about the history, topography, geology, climat ology and social, political and relig ious itstitution* of the place and can give you any information you like about any or all of them, and shall be on ly too happy to do so. •&:
R—Then there really is a hell?
v.* I-
*"hy, to be 6ure. Sant Davis was
.*r*
never further from the truth in his life than when he denied that. But like teacher tike disciple, of course, and Bob's followers are all a little off, though in the main they are right. Yes, there is a hell, and there is not a single fellow on the top of Gods green earth hat is not going there, either.
R—Well, that is sweeping indeed. You don't even except the preachers— nor the ladies?
D—No certainly not the preach ers, though there are many of them we would rather except than acccpt if we had our choice, but we can't turn them away when they've no other place to go and as for the ladies— wtdl they are queer, dear creatures, and have always gone where the men were even through fire and brimstone.
R—Then you really run a genuine fire and brimstone establishment? My God! and none of us to escape.
D.—Yes, genuine fire and brimstone, though not so much on that order now as heretofore. Our motto has always been, "Of the people, by the people, for the people," and as nearly as practicable we give them just what they demand, but for the past several hundred years preceding the last few decades, the drain on ©ur brimstone mines has been so heavy we couldn't furnish that kind of hell unless those desiring it were willing to pay for their own fuel. This cut down the demand considerably, as a good many of them were pretty tight fisted and would rather, yield a point. The extra demand from the Lutheran Reformation was the first thing that materially unsettled the brimstone market, and then when Calvin declared his Five Points, and-again when Methodism got Hnder good headway, the stocks shot away up vonder till—well, you couldn't hfve got a single share for the test harp and crown- in the Kingdom. Electric Light stock is nothing compared to it. But the brimstone "bulls" have had their dav and their stock is now pretty flat.
R. But how is it? These men preached brimstone, but they didn't teach that it was for themselves and their followers.
D.—Ah! that's it practical joke, you see, though no injustice, 1 assure you. We consider it a safe rule that a man deserves a little of what he devises for others, and so we give it to him.
R.—But how do you determine when he has cot a sufficient of it? D.—O we don't have to determine it? it is self regulating. When he is sufficiently humbled and his pride so broken that he can meet all those he has wronged and those who have wronged him, with neither shame nor enmity, he may go.
R.—You say there has been very little of the brimstone punishment lately. D.—Yes, the brimstone epoch is pretty nearly gone. Now and then you see a man with a large basilar development who still prefers it, but he is always a man who was intended to be born a hundred or two hundred years ago but whose birth was unaccountably delayed, and these persons generally manage to get into a pulpit, because, in running after the world to overtake it, a church is the first thing they come to. It is the rear car on the road of progress, and there they stand in the rear car halloing to those in front and warning them that the road is dangerous and that they'll wreck the train sure if they don't stop it. Why, bless me, I believe they would go backward if they could detach their coach simply because they know the road is good.
R.—You don't seem to take much stock in the preachers. D.—How can 1? They have slandered and vilified me past all endurance laid all their own scurvy tricks to my account, and—confound it! it makes me mad when I think of it. But there are some exceptions. They don't all ride on the rear car. Now and then one gets clear up to the front and finds me there at the engine, and finds I am not such a bad fellow after all, and he goes back and tells them so. But ten to one they get around him then and hoodwink and bulldoze him and tell him he has not been up to the front at all that he is mistaken, is dreaming, and get the poor fellow 6o bewildered that he doesn't know what he does think and takes it all back and concludes he will ride on the rear coach anyway the rest of the trip.
R—I wish you would explain your statement that nobody is going to escape confinement in your dominion for I confess myself a little concerned in this regard. How is it none of us is going to escape?
D—I see you arfe trying to draw me into metaphysics. I will only say that as the only escape from evil here is to rise superior to error, so it is hereafter. The time reqired to accomplish this depends largely upon the temperament of the individual, and the most dfficult cases we have to contend with are those who thought they were going straight to God to be transformed by some inconceivable process into a state of ineffable glory. They have been so long accustomed to consider their redemption a matter ot gratiuitous outside work already accomplished that when they find that it not only is not already done but is a work they must accomplish for themselves they are frequently overcome with despondency, become entirely discouraged and in many casen surrender themselves to the vilest abominations.
R.—Well, but I should think the simple fact that they had been trying to do what was right in this life would be a warrant for doing what they find-to be right hereafter.
D.—So.it wonla if the desire to do right were the only ingredient in their characters, and there are *many cf that kind, but in most cases the men who have preached charity and love the longest and loudest, are the narrowest in the practice of those virtues. Not necessarily because they intend to be hypocrites but they have started out on false premises or premises partially false and from a mixture cf pride and cowardice—pride because they did not like to acknowledge themselves mistaken, and cowardice because they were afraid to reason the matter for themselves—and by constant sophistication corr.c to believe that they believe. And after they are dead they almost always persist for a time that their doctrines were all right but that they were
tdammed
becauae they didn't live up to
them. I remember one old Baptist preacher that was a most comical case in point. He was an inveterate trader and would barter anything from a stock of goods or a farm to any marketable arti
4
!.'* xm'iji *.•*•" •.. ':,r
TflJS TKKKK HAITI'fi WEEKLY GAZETTE.
cle you might mention. He was as sharp as a tack and could twist a trade in his own favor every time. Well, when he got down there, naturally enough, he thought he was damned forever, and as he sat in momentary expectation of the arrival of the furies he said: "It was that stotk of hardware that did it. I had everything fixed up to that day, everything lepented of— and then I lost on the trade. Its too bad."' Another comical case was a fellow who though* he had been sanctified a number of years before his death, and naturally he was very much surprised on arrival to find he was not in the Kingdom. He thought there was certainly some mistake in the identity and said: "Is it old Billy from the north township?" "Section 3, township 10 north, range 9," said the attendant. "W-ell th-a-t d-o-e-s b-e-a-t me," he said. "I reckon there must have been a flaw in the baptism for I always was afraid he didn't get me quite under. You see the pond wa6 shallow and the bottom miry and I'm kind o' heavy," and he evinced no disposition to complain, seeming to regard the fulfillment of the technicalities of the law as of far more importance than any individual good even though he was himself damned by it.
Here bis Devilship rose fro.n his chair and said if I was not afraid ol being overcome with horror he could interest me more than he had been enabled to do by his conversation. I assured him I was a man of nerve had been to his branch establishment here a number of iime6, and thought I could stand any racket he could give me. He winced when I said "HIS branch establishment," and begged me to state specifically 'that he was in no way connected with it. After my promise to do so he proceeded with his exhibition. He threw off his ulster and disclosed the dry bones of a skeleton, with no vestige cf flesh except on the face and hands, and clanking his Feet together he began a dance in weird contrast, but in perlect time, to the most beautiful mu6ic I ever heard, proceeding I know not whence. But the climax of his demonological exhibition was not reached tiil, taking his head from its resting place, he tosied it time and again into the air, catching it as a juggler does his ball, and finally, throwing it almost to the ceiling of the room, he turned a backward summersault and the head came down in its normal place on the upper end of his spinal column. Here taking the aforementioned asbentos handkerchief from his ulster pocket which lay on the floor, he wiped the perspiration from his face and dextrously tucking it between hi6 .ribs. resumed his gymnastics. A singlefeat ended the performancs. I+e jumped into the air a* if to turn another summersault, but every joint in the skeleton was loosened and the bones flew about in seeming wild confusion bui certrinly with some regularity, lor they came down, the feet first, on them the tibias and their fellows, then the femurs and so on till the whole skeleton was rebuilt trom its recent ruin and stood in grim and terrible majesty before the now astonished, not to say affrighted, reporter. He put his ulster on, and buttoned it tight, and taking from its pocket a small piece ot candle proceeded to light it. I was curious to know what this was for, and my curiosity was soon satisfied. He lifted the upper section of his skull cfif, and placed the candle inaetick about on a level with the eyes, which I then saw were glase, giving a most lurid ana horrible glare from the light behind them.
He said that thi6 was his headlight and that he had never yet been mistakenly attacked by highwaymen. Saying which he bade me a polite farewell arid took his leave. I was about to spring from my place as he turned-to leave me but could not do so from an irresistable desire to watch him tiil he passed out the door when I awoke and almost sprang out of bed. I had onlv dreamed that I had waked before. It was an adventurous dreawi but with all my love for adventure I then promised mys»lf I would never ea.t another dozen hard-boiled eggs before going to bed— not even on a bet.
IO 25
50 ac OT
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II
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Know Thyself. rtbatinuntolii
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f»"k7»*rcT#Vra
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NASAL CATARRH?
All e*M promptly sad permanently enred by Ur. e. W. BEALL, Xfomeopatkle Caterrhsri Specialist,
A reputable Pbyeician of 30 years' practta.
Not a Douche, Not an Inhaler. Not a Snuff.
Cknmie
JVom!
The following ie a specimen of tbe testimonials con* stantly being receirear To tkt JPuUtc—Stattmefi of A. IT. Biuey, of the firm of
Entey it Harter, 2Voy, Ohio.
For a number of years I was afflicted with Nasa' Catarrh, affecting seriously both my head and throat. The dischargee frotn the noee wete etreaked wft~ blcyd, and.had a very offensive smell. After a court* of treatment from Dr. Beall, I am entirelvcured.
Cunt
$\n Bnuh: SAft NtRVINT SAFE PIUS
AiKDiCAli INST I
TIT t'E. isoston, entitled
iTtK^TfcifcE OFJLIFM. OK, SKLI'PKfcSfcMVA'S I N. Exhausted vitMltj, nervous and physical debility, or vitality mpalred by the err-v9 of oiltb or to close apulicat'on to buslntsj, may be rt stored artl manhood regained.
A
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person
should he witbont thisvalnab'e bootc. The author is a nob'e benefactor." An Illustrated sample sent to all on receipt of 6 cents for postage.
I'he sntbor refers by permi 4slon, to JOS- s. FISHER,president W I. P. lNUR^Ms. vice-president W, PAINE, M. D. HAC
VTJNTT, to. D. 11. J. OOl/OET, M.'D. It. H. KLINE, M.D.rJ. H0I-C031B, M. D. It. K. LYNCH, M, D.. »n^ M. R. O'CONNELL, M. 1. faculty of the Philadelphia University of Medicine and Surgery also tbe (acuity of the American University ol Philadelphia also
HON.
P. A.
BISSKJ.L. M.
D., president ot the National Medical Associat on. Ad4rcss Di. W.H. PAHKER, No. 4 BulBnch street. Bos- Tt Tjl A T" ton, Mass. The Fl Ej.l Li ."^THYSELF riquirlrir skdi and experience
Not One Agent
a
oat a Hi appointed sir ce the 1st of December ft F\ILKDTO MAKE money selling onr Household Necessities. Many are making as high as|vSPEli
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tK.
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Agent for tbe Cc-nty assigned tbem. Write for Illustrated Catalogue and Price List to Agents. L7E.
DIVORCES IsHSSa
io
BKOWN
ACO.
Fourth and Central Avetue, Cincinnati, Ohio.
^S^very wound or in
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1M IreMwmy, •. Y. City. *. Y.
Agents Read This.
We wantan agent In this County to whom we wi'l pay a salary of flOO per month and Expenses to sell onr wonderful Invention.
SAMPLE
FRK*. Address at once
SHERMAN CO., Marshall, Michigan.
PShcrr^n
A. W. Siset
Ertraei firm a Borne JZndornment. Dr. Beall oflkra to the public no quack nostrum, and parties can rest assured that place in the treatment proposed. dee Coui
rentfboardbtlls
'Uggery has no
Williams, Judge court Common Pleas John Sunt. Troy High School 8. A. Brewster, Elder, Sprlngfleld Dint., Cln. Conference
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W. Dowd, Presiding Elder, KprlngOi no. L. Meredith, Cash. First National Bank,
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WARNER'S
IT E S
In eliminating the impurities of the blood, the natural and necessary result is the cure ofieipot ulorn and other Slila Eruptiona
A DUesiw
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Bottles of two sizes prlcer SOeenteand H.
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c1IR(
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New Advertisements.
I A HI fl SStool Oovor siul ttcokoo* **,ly $14S to
phia. it.
CalarrA km never been turat by (oral
treatment alone. Caurrh being constitutional require* conititational treatment to eradicate it from the ITS* tem.
In connection with Dr. Beall'e Kasal Catarrh Specific. a coarse of treatment la famished each patient indicated by the tymplomt. Also an AtomUer with cleansing eolations to be locally applied in the form of a sprar. Patients at a distance treated by the aid of a carefully prepared diagnostic sheet. So tingle boa or botUe of mtdicin* it appdeable to all eattt.
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$155.
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OKUANS
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Compound Oxygenh,fV".^0h."S record of Temai kable curea in ••tisumption. Catarrh, Neurulma, anJoilHr (.hronii-, liaeascs by the new x%gen Treatment, now ready H-M! sent fr.e. 1)KS ST A1 KEY A I'ALEN, llivai
111
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30 Days Trial
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Mc A LISTERS'
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O I N E N i- .VI This remarkable Ointment containa a# Mercurial or other Mineral substance, and nothing can be luund lu its composition tbatcauinjure the tender Infant or undaly aflect the aged or inQrm. ftetng a Veactable Preparation 1 b« ALI IIDAIaINt* OliVlilllilYT will never injure 700* but can be used with lu.puuity uv ALL* Its healing powers art: womb ul. And the grebt reputation it bus qui,--during the pat B5 years speaks vnluuiex ol pra se (or its merits. I his a»tuicu has (he power to cRuse sli fxteriinl 4 sores, scrofulous buni' rs. cutaneous erup
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618 «D RELMB11.
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'.V-i VV6'
L0'9'fet'
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SO tu50!ushels 40 lo 100 liush. por ncr«. No Haiisrc iieedod. iood climate, pure iraler, flno schools, churches, snd good society. Railroad and nisrlict fifilitiei eiceN lout. Mans and full information I'ltr.E. Addrea S.jH.310BK, bsndCommiiiitioiit-i^buliua,
KUDSSS,
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Louis. Mo., or ni ayo, Ii
A word to those who use Porous Plasters. It is a|unirersalW acknowldsjed l'ict that
tenson's Capcin^ Porous'Plasters are Superior to al! Others. Thegrest oema -d l'»r them has caused a number of unscrupulous partie! to make and sell worthier imitations under bimilar sounding names. As the* market is flooded wiili inferior plasters selling at any price it is important for the consumer lo kr.ow whi«\h.is the bee'. It is well known that some of the cheap planters hare been examined and found to contain injurious ingredienls which make t'nem dangerous to use, causing paralvMS and other diseases. CAUTION—See that the wqrd CAI'CINEon each piaster is correctly spelled. ^EABIM & J9HMSG". PhaiiT.aceutica'i Chemists. New York. l'RICE 25 CTS.
PTURE
i. A 8HKKKKAft—IS THK OKUil.VAL A»D 1R. 8HKHMAW Snown to the pefr lie for tne past 85 years o- more thriiigh h's successful method of treating Kupture W1M1out tbe annoyance an4 Injury trusses iufliet. His system of cure Is by local external ap-
man is safe who Has a rupture, no matter how Insignificant be may consider It, for every man who has died from lt,ouv i! altered himself that it WM bnt a trilling all meat, an 1 every man who now suffer* fr^m it and the injury or trasses, to «ncb an extent taat life has no enj"jment, once rgancl it as unworthy special attention. It is no* st*nd-still affliction it is fcrog es'ivc, even untideath. Reference in the city, who have been cared. Uunng t'eatment no hindrance from labor. Patleata Irom abroad can receive treatment and leave for home same day.
Trig Boole On K-u.-oru.xe gives the most reliable proofs Tfrom dlstingaisne!l prcfe«ional gentlemen, c'"Sy»en and merchants of bis
suecesslnl
practice and
Livdr
ivigorator been used
in my practice
I and by the public, for more than 35 years, with unprecedented'' reunite. S E N O I A S. T.W^SANFORO, M.O.,
AMI DKleCIST WILL TILL TOV ITS OBVTATIQ*
POROUS PLASTER
popular tv ^e'e^mtt^iighoutthe OOM-
try and tbe West Indies. Tbe afflicted should read it and laform themselves ef the certain
'Ti^m&teated with photographic likenessesofex remelv bad ca^M 1Jrtore 1and cure, and mailed lo those why «ead 10 cents. Save this, ana remember in writing or calling tbe address it
Dr. J. A. Sherman,
"251 Broadway, cor. Murray st.
Mew York..
CAUTIO*—The reputation of DR. J. A. 8HERMAX, attained from 40 years sue^HSfnin«Piiw hMstirUaaround the country Pa*T*SDKRS,wio assume to be tbe origin* S
UmOMfor^he cure of Rapture. Two of these partlw an old and young man ^nttvSrnednpia Boston they duped several »by their Fraadalent .Advert IsamemU when dete^ed suit was brought, but the fellows raa away leaving sorrowful victims, room
and newspapers unpaid. Since then they have been discovereda*
WBr^wSI New York, where they recently, by .base deception defrauded an aged Clergyman.