Terre Haute Weekly Gazette, Volume 7, Number 34, Terre Haute, Vigo County, 17 February 1876 — Page 7

TOMBS COMEDY AND TRAGEDY.

The Judge and the Janitor.

M'MAM'S AS A PHILOSOPHER.

How the Prisoners Tried to Flatter tbe Judge.

TbfJnde^Conld Sot be 'red.

Krom the New l'ork Vunday Teltgram. "Mister McManus, do we theorize and philosophize enough?" asked His Honor, HS be fell back into the old familiar ohuir.

Tlie old janitor looked at him uneasily and doubtfully, and replied: "I think she is." •'Don't you know what theory is?" sternly demanded His Honor.

Mister McManus didn't reply. •'If you leave the axe in the back yard over ulght, and it isn't there in the morning, what do you think?" continued the Court. "I think ivirs. MC Manua went out and got it and put it under the bed!" was the reply, "Is it possible that a man of your age, and witii your red goatee and Imld head, and living here in New York, don't know what theory it?" "Intihothe Centennial?" hesitatingly inquiri Mister McManus.

Ilia Honor turned away in despair, and a solemn old man in the audience with a big spot of paint on his back roue up and slowly said:— "Theory may be divided into fourteen parts. The constitution ol the Unl—" "Make that, mtm sit down!" interrupted Hi* Honor and lie picked up his pen and lU'-'iotied for the sorrowful McManus lu leave the beautiful gate ajar for a prisoner to walk out,

HOW WAMCKJt WAI.KKJ) "I observe that you are a t-lranger in a ttrai):e town," remarked His Honor to the first man on the quar-ter-deck. "Are you the SherifiV' cautiously inquired the prisoner. "Not the Sheriff, but his long lost brother, the Judge." "Well 1 expect from appearances, that I've not thundering big lawsuit ou bund?" whispered the prisoner "and I hope you'll see fair play!" "All the suits you have will be Iried right hee," replied His Honor, "You don't, need a lawyer, but thirty oc forty witnesses might help your case." "Haven't got a pound of witnesses," whit-pend Mr. Walker. "I'm going to lei] you the truth about this, and if ou are meau enough to semi me up, all right. My name's Walker live in Rochester came here to llnd Nelson Joue* walked around ten days couldn't find him asked for beer last night and the fellowgave me gin feet began to lift up saw six big post offices in the road saw nine million omnibuses on Broadway two hundred policemen arrested me, and you mny kick me into a cocked hat if that isn't the truth. Ftha whole truth, and a beer glassful of gin besides!" "Mr, Walker, you m*m to bo a truthful man," observed His Honor. "Oh, I'm square on a story, Judge. The fact is, I don't go a cent on lying. 've•'got a. brother who'&jj^e c'l d:y for half a pound of taller.eiijidles, but I climb right on to tKitti and hang then •'Are you ready to start for home?" asked the Court. "Keudy and anxious and willing and desirous, Judge, I've got some wealth down at the hotel, and all the slop I'll make is for breakfast." "You will let this experience be a lc88on to.you, will you?" "Won't 1, though!" replied Mr. Walker, smiling like a policeman on payday. "I'll hump for home, saynothing to nobody, and when 1 get there I'll make a clean breast of this to Sarah, and I will say, 'old gal, 1 got drunk, but I didu't mean to. I was taken before the old boss at the Tombs, talked to like a father, let otl, and now, Sarah, write a piece of your beautiful, best poetry on to him, and I'll forward it by mall,' Them is the remarks I'll make, Judge and now farewell!"

"TEMJINO SATiAH."

And he bowed himself out, not waiting to hear the end of tho case, I/OST OPPORTUNITIES.

He had an eager look on his face as he was handed around to the proper spot by Mr. McManus. "I want to get home to my breakfast," he remarked in a cheerful voice. "If anything makes my wife mad it is to hAve me late to my meals." "There's a little a flair here to be attended to," slowly replied the Court, as he scrutinized the general make* up of the prisoner.

It was a bud piake up. The tailor who made that coat died of old age. The vest was in rags. His hair was on a drunk. Soap and water had bated him for weeks. "And as for them butes," sighed Mr. McManus. "I wouldn't, let 'em stand in my yard for ten dollars a week." "A little affair?" repeated the prisoner in tones of surprise. "At midnight lost night you were fouud druuk in a doorway. Wheu the ofilc«r called upon you to rouse

and come hence you struck him." "I did. eh? Is tie dead yet?" "You haven't a cent in your pockets, Mr. Trasker you are ragged and hungry and banged up. The officer says you are a professional bummer, and I wonder tuat you have not been arrested before. I am going to send you over to the little Island for sixty days." "My God! Judge, you have been base I. deceived!" exclaimed the pris oner, while all the redness of whUky left his face for a moment. "I guess not I gue^s I ought to have sent "ou for three months.''

"You don! know mc Jud^i! You have been told that I am alow-down bummer, and that I drank BowerysniHshes and dead-b-at. restaurants, out you have been deceived! Tne officer think-* yon area fool and a lunatic, and lie has jumped in on you and lied to you! Lied! Ah! There has been some gigantic lying done here, and I want to live to find the liar IInd to k-ru-di ttie life out of him!" "Do you wnrit tho officer sworn?" quietly asked His Honor. "ON15 LONO,' UNOKI'.IMI I/.OK." "Judge, look at mo," replied the prisoner, and lie stepped buck. "I'm here with my old clothes on, and I haven't got my gold-headed cane, but do I look like a brigand?" "No, not exactly like it brigand." "Do I look like a man whoM jump tip and striken poor, innocent policeman with a large family on his hands?"

Ilia Honor was silent. "I've iincl ch'tiicHH to smash aldermen and to lick reporters, mid to throw brickbats at college professors," continued tho pri-onei', "out did I do it?" Did I—did 1 ito ii?"

He waved Ids wild arms around, and his lace was red from exertion. The old clock ticked some solemn

The wind sighed drearily through the ten thousand stove pipe holes. "Take him down," whispered His Honor.

His little bugle he had blown, He hnd blown, And McManus took him down,

Took him down. OLD .11 US. T1SRKV.

"Mrs. Terrv. are you an evon hundred vears old?" asked the court of a female who s-jftly l»okod sideways si: him. "Who's bin hern Mllln' lies on int.?" sho promptly snarled.

Slio wns old. Nile might have nursed George Washington, but she was born way back in those peaceful tys whep maple sop'ir syld at five cents per pound, and when eggs were so plenty that there was really no inducement for lions lo hang around home and attend to business. Her locks were gray, ,Timo had knocked moat ol her teeth out there w-re Care lines on her face, and all the plumpness and roundness and fatIIHHS in her voice had flod away, leaving it to a«t ou one's nerves as ifahe bail bitten into a brass button whilo eating mince pie in a basement restaurant. 'Disorderly conduct is tho charge," said riis Honor. "Who charged ii?" she squeaked. "The ollicor here says he arrested you on tho street whilo you were lighting with a woman.'' 'She bestowed a fierce look on tho olliijer, clenched her hands as il sbo meant to ru«h at him, and then there came a sudden change. She smiled blandly—even beautifully, folded her arms, and one could almost detect the music of tho lute in her tones, as she said: "It was Mrs. Dorkety, Your Honor, and tho fracas was about you." "About un "Tbe same it was. Sbo is a bad woman, Your Honor. She doesn't put on any style around the house, aod she hasn't hud a new pair of stockings or garters since her husband ran away." .."Don't drag stockingB into this case,

Mrs. Terry." "I'm only describing her, Your Honor. It was yesterday. You know.that little park down ou Hudson street— that spot with a good deal of picket fonco around a little bit of mud? 1 met her just, them." "This talk has nothing to do with your case." "Hain't il? You hold your breath now. Says I, 'Good morning, Mrs. Dorkety.' And she says, 'The same, Mrs. Terry, and howa that old slab sided ruta-baga who -nds prisoners from the Toinbtt Court over to Blackwell's?' And I stvs 'Mrs. Dorkety'" "Stuff! Nonsenst!" interrupted His Honor. "So it was—it was, but she didn't stull nonsense mo—not a bit. Says I, 'Mrs. Dorkety, that m*u is an haogei if there ever was one. He's kindhe «rted, fatherly, motherly, and he (•verlooks a slip of tho toot.' That's the way I talked, your Honor." "I can't hot her much longer with your case, Mrs. Terry."

"That's whist she said, your Honor

She stack up her nose, like this, and say* shi:—'To Sitrtn with the old giraffe, I'd like to give him a rat-pizen I aid.' Does your Honor think I could stand hero and hear you abused?" "Bosh! Bosh!" "I didn't see no Bosh around there, your Honer, tkounh lie might have been biding behind tbe corner. N iya I, 'Mrs. Dorkerty, you must swallow them remarks, for if there ever was a good ti.an the Judge of them Tombs is the boy.' And then—then

THEN r.ANCK T.»

"Mrs. Terry, how could you stand th?-r« and make np such a ttt .ry? asked His Honor, as she hesitated. "D.dn't I wollcp Mr*. irkeriy?" "I guess you did. Thai's what you are tiere for." "A ed wotil I stand bv and hear her spe-Jk of you as wu*s nor a woti?" "I can delond myself, Mr*. T-iry. I don't, ask Htiy oiip to r«i-e a row over me on the roet. Even if I believed your story I should .send you to the Island. You

were

drunk at. the lerrv

an hour or so b.-forn you had tbi fight." '•I'll bit you a million dollar!" fshe squealed "I'll tke it ninety days," jlm said. "I'll l-t Mrs irkor'.y abuse you to deii' h!" she hlunued. •'T'iko thf* -ui«el awa\!'' lie replied, and Lhe taker took tbe take. Some of the hoys Wrote on (he wall.— Old Mrs. 'LVrry uof. drunk at tho ferry

And then on iho street bad a fighi Her sornuvlui tale it, didn't avail She'll sleep on the Island to night.

A N NO W

'•Yesterday I was thenee—to-day I am h'inoe!" remarked ga middle a^r-d maw, as he struck tho target.

There was sorrow in that ice. There was no such rim: in it as you hear in the tones of a man *dio turn1' from the polls after'a hard'da\H work, jumps thico feet hiiti aud yells out, •'We've knocker! 'em hi.-hor'n rvey'n plaslerin bill-!" "The wheel of time is a bis thinjr, Mr. Polk," replied his honor. "I can remember the last time I si nt you up as plainly

HS

if it were but v"Hterday.

You said you'd never come amin, but I knew you'd be attracted hero

MOO

tier

or later." "I've put in a good thai ol time for theS-'aie," observed the piTioner,"and it's about lime I le^-an to look out lor business lor my self "Kut you will (ret drunk." "Somehow or other I enn't help it," replied Mr. Polk. "I don't love whisky. You never hear of me buyine a distillery, or dealing in the 'crooked,'ordri kiig enough to ma«oa hog of mysel/." "I never see you only right away after you liav# been on a spree."

There may boson (thing in that," mused (lie prisoner "I don't like whisky, us I said before, but whftn I get where i-. is, it nets outside of it beiore I realize the situation,. I don't want lo »o and bo stom aehed-pumped out, and so it. stays there, and troths and my head gets as bi(r as a dray, and I want to lick somebody, and the result ia the result." "Did you ever resolve to reform asked the CoUrt, us he tried to bend pill into the shapo so extensively patroniz in country schoolhousea. "I'vo resolved to reform every New Year's Day for iho last nine years," replied the prisoner, "and have been drunk next day as regular as clock wortc. fsg I've r«'B"lv3d to mtich I guesH if 1 skulk idrm^ without i.i.ii.1'••"!? oi being good and try in.: to make ,iiy.-.e:f hate whisky I'd come out belt r.

''Weil, Ruess I'll make It nbout three raenthf," Raid FHa Honor. "lexpecWl yen wui'd," oaluil, lepli th" prls.»n-r. "I winh ma no a statement aud a favor." "State you statement." "I a*" not Jampp P.itk, late President, and t'm no relHtton to nlrn. I could lie an 1 sav I wa', aud net up a Rr«at howl In he paper.-", hut want to be honeat if I den t, iriafc a csn*." ",\ntt the favor?" "l'he la--'t. time I went over I wa« chained to a bald Inndedman. t'on't le'-'aiu dolt aaaln. It'a bad en"ngh to eiu|ureil without being Insulted."

Ml-ter MoManns sfKhotl dreatnllv, as he ruhbed his b^ld at.d His Honor said: "I'll have Vra obaln sou lo a lord or duke. You have all thohnne-tv and candor of Geo W. chlidr, A. without any otliis great od-sty.

MJREVAtNFT.ATTBBY.

It wns (.ii'iiher old woman. A breastpin near yn l«rire as a Rate hinge ornatnen'e hii of t.ded blu« rlbbo Ued at her thro't. ami t-he lial ma'^niflceiit sml'e on be face ns she slid forwerd. "Such a b-an'ltni child as 1t. 1H!" sne exclafnee, l'nliinx litr ejos up toward tne relbnc. c'lt'd Is that osi:eii ih» C.nrt 'My neictd'or's Mrs O'rteil'y. U'ataglrl rikI )i{liM rdre ounns,"

His Ho -fir looked at her In a fumy way, and s!io c'ssoed her hand* and sild: "Ar,d indii'-.iHj herto eamelt afKryou."

Mis. TotupKlnr, I can't undeibtaed what yoa are dr viiiKat. Yon were found drunk on the street, and Jf have any explanations to make gn ahead with toem."

was out after burnt braady for the •d.-k wotnan. your Honor, after naming tb« little tdrl after ou." "(Jetout, Xrs. Tompsins.'* "I' teoin? "t' pnn's of tinth, I am. "Vel', can't encjurave drunkenness If every cnll lt\ Yorw is -mmed after me. Can yen nay five dollars?" gh^nl ant a few we'fcs' time, yonr

^'S'lTttve 'oa a few weeks' time. The Clwrk ran record it a sixty ivs I'll rver name another child alter yer

H»ain'thplplt

Lawlslaw."

Winn she hat' d'nap-»earrd Honor cro« e«i tiis te«N folded his hands over his a«"*d ami r-marked

Who

li »tti »«e? fth1 ith sorrow"

Who h*th t«4n.'H r.f eye.S" a'nd t"e a meck-lnokins "'d

"I tm*e, »lr. and eon dn't your Ho or KOTie'hln^ for a poor old man with ai»r family T"

Afcer Mr. MeManua had adjwarne*) eoarthe stated that h= knew of a po-. widow who was«Md.y lu need of help, hid the boys to con rloutesom mleK The hat waa pawed around an 1 the xdlow ing articles were aecureJ 1 Fig 2 Peanuts.

Null. 1 Spool. 1 Receipt 1 Totucro hox.

•i

LASCK."

Biiitoos. 1 More il •'Vf'' If that h*lu't 'aough," oh-eiveu "AU8«i Tow," a* "enaw ti.oartic e* cou t---.ver, ".'il rutin

n»

good it flsli lli.ea-

tiiere ia iu he 8 ate."

I'ariidan IVu Pictures.

Mud! Muu! and plenty ol it. "Tne Times" styB ii ia BO muddy that Main street is on the slide. We don't d»u-i It in ihe least.

Ail iiiriirof a raifeerdark nature cccurtd on the west side of Griffiths «S Sw rtllng confectionary atorH. iroy Foiter and Mutt Gates bad a setto- on account ot Troys usim: a squirt button on the afoiesaid "Matt" whicn causcd said Matt to knock Troy down.

Thereupon Troy arose and proceeded to use a deadly weapon lu the shape ol hiiiih butcher knife upon the person of Matt. Uv this time tho "cops" ar rived and put a stop to the "fun" by arresting butb parties and taking them beiore Wm. li. Poik, P. M., -who discharged G.ites and fi-ied Port' 510 and (Osts.

Tho police ball was a dscidcd success oyer 300 tickets being sold. Sumo corn has been brought to town during ilm lait week.

Hogs are bringing good prices in this I Court comiuotjcc's 13 of March next tiid tho biwj'ers arn beginning too like ir oases. Tho clerk says this term docket will be very slight."

Tho owls give a masked ball next Tbursd rv evening. Griffith (fcSjvurliiin£ 1'uriiHh the masks.

Tiio new post ofBoe is to rocelve souie improvements this week. The old log house that stands ir-ar the Honihwest corner of the square is being torn down. Dan says be can remember when the logs were lit lie saplings, as the houso has been standing some 45 years and logs are vory lar^e that makes Dan—how old

At a meeting of the city council last Monday evening It wa* decided to grant license to sell intoxicating liquors in less quantities thmi one utlIon. As this is against the will of the people expressed at the ballot box, it has created a great deal of excitement among tho temperance people.

Will Mulllnacan now write M. I). after bis name, ho having graduated.

Tho last rains and the warm sunshine has started the Krass, and the court house yard looks as green as it does in May.

Dr. Miller arrived hero from California on last Monday. The climaio does not agreo with him. Ho says, "mo whore on will, you cannot heat Illinois," and we think that he is about right.

Some "yahoo" from tho rural dis trictM, went into tbe Paris Store and wanted "to buy some fine jewelry." l'he young lady who is clerking there placed souie studs, collar bttous ito., on the counter, and after spending about an hour, more or less, in clioos"IIM, he aaked the price, and was told "two dollars and a half." He seemed very much surprised, aud said ho "only had a quarter to spend for gewiritws." Lie then wanted to buy a pair of ^1-r0 gloves for I5c. Alter giggling like aw idiot when the young lady happened

LO

tr

an, with

court lax"'*: u. ftly a oald:

look at him, or said any

hing to him, he purchased a 15 cent sot of shirt studs, and left the place, ihtickllrtg at the thought that lie was the greatest lady-killer ont.

NKMO.

tfreeacastlo Items. GUEKNCA8TLE, Feb. H, '70.

A. It. Brat in has removed to his new room, ou the south side.

Will Wright, a student of Wabash Collego, was in the city Sunday visiting his Delia brethren.

Dr. Martin has been absent from the oity during tho past week and Dr. Tingley has occupied the President's chair. Dr. T. does not preservo as good order as Dr. M.

The members of tho Philomathoan Socioty will this evening give a "musical and spectacular entertainment," at Brown's Hall.

The small-pox bas again broken out in our midst. Up to date but two cases have been reported by tho authorities.

The services of Prof. Griffith of Michigan, a celebrated elooutiouist,, have been procured by the efforis of the faculty. The Professor will give' ten lessons of one hour each. He has succeeded.ln forming a class of 135.

Bob Black drives a spotted Arabian steed with his favorite black mare. James Gllmore and a man by the name of Butler, are canvassing the city for a family album. "Doc" Howards items to the Hancock Democrat,published at

Greenfield,

failed to bo published on account of the "silliness ol his composition." The editor, however, says that "by some practice and a little Chrlstlon Influence thrown around him he will be able to writo poetry for a country newspaper and iu the mean time to attend to his own girl and leave someone else's

al«ne." It is unnecessary to remark that "Doc" has stopped his papor. Tbe lecture of Prof. Proctor, Secre tary of the Astronomical Association of England, Thursday evening, was well attended.

Shidelar still hangs on to the $7-5,000 Kirl. On account of last Sunday being quarterly meeting at Huberts Caupol tuore was no college lecture.

Hanaum Qriaies was in Lhe city on Thursday. There is an unusual amount of interest being taken iu the revival meetings which are now In progress at the Locust street church. J. W. C.

Weather beautiful, but Baft. Frank Jeffers is smelling along the Republican track for Sheriflf.

A man tensorires In town, back of Ryan aud Griffiths office. It is rumored that there will be a constable's sale of coffins in town in a few days.

Wm Toner, a very fine young man ol Parker Iraioe, died with tne small pox a fdw days ago.

Mr James D. Gallagher's iittle daughter, who ban been very Hick l-«r several days, is rap!

Jly rec jvoria*.

»lr Mol'arty. Hie froz-n man, i. atm 1. ig rv low, and doutKs »r« ntei io his rei-('Vnrv.

We nod. rstand that a convention L« 't-s-.es, with »t least one representttiv- tri^m each ol the urrouudin. c-«nn ie», WHS eld over Jo« M-riin' tore on Sunday b»st. This is the firs worn-', rights tnoveor'ni we h-iv neord of in tnis county for some utn-

K\ Anderson is slightly ou th

•Juduo S'IOI S preme C./urt aving adjourned. n. !ox is taikH of as A candida? for iSop-i visor from Mirshall (nvjt -hint is spring.

Hon. S. S Wh.tehead irft on Tuesday I ,Nt tor a visit to Ke 'lucky and Ohio, on l-gd luudrie-s. nod will r-tnrn home to day.

Mr. Philip uallack, our n«xt Circuit Clerk, was in town yesterday evm.liit?, attending the M. B. fewiivu.

I).'. D-vol lias Histriiiit -d a pnelot Htesiin engine lor tho purp.,eol pul ing teeth.

Hon. An.lv Hunter, of Ptrls, w.i.s in the city on Thursday last, looking fter his Congressional prospects.

Henry Den/.-ir's bar is rather inclined to "bust." We have not yet discovered any symptoms ol ho smail in toivu, unless Stute Montgomery'i »v died with it.

Tho I) on cralio Citairal Cimmitto'. meets to-day, for the purpose of making arranjimonts for tho selecting o/ candidate* for the coming elt ion.

The festival at Haul-in Hill lis night, was a grand sucoess Henry Bell, the Donquixolo ol Clark county, has buckled on ris armor, straddled his steed, and will iriakoa charge on our Legislative wind mill. Calvin Stark will t'o bin Sanco.

Marsliall cannot coinpiain for want of Spiritual recuperation, Jani Gallagher has just received twenty-two barrels.

Arrangements have bom mule NO that tho Daily GA/.ETTU will arrive here on the 0 o'ciook freight. L'v everybody tak notice of th'n fact and govern tboii «lv-u accordingly.

Brnzl! Uuileiius. BRAZIL, IND,, Feb. 12.

Valontiiios. Calico ball. New music store. Dull times to pick up items. Died—Joshua Modesitt, at bis residence, near Now burg, on Monday last.

Married—On tho4i,h ioHt, at the residence of the bride's parents, Perry S. Summervillo aud Miss Mary 15, Sbattuck.

Ilenry Butts thinks ono mess of pickles enough for him, espec-UUy it they aro all like those he recuived all packed up so nice at the postolllce trie other evening. I'^or further Information, ask Ilenry,

Selected Mi,irp".

Water can come and go when it'B tide.

Counter claims—Your wife's shop ing bills. A flourishing business—Ornamental penmanship.

Tho biirge-it tiiinsr on ice next sumin rr will be tbe price.

How strlkingl Messrs. Hitz fc Kichs keep a lager-bier saloon up-town.— [N. Y. Commercial Advertiser.

A good action is never thrown away, and that is why ?«o few of em are ston lying arouud loose.

Scitch saying: A dour plat.i wi' a moo's naam on a vaarv -d thing, but a dinner plaat wi'amou's dinner on 's a better.

Harry Blood good Ins bvn leiVuring on the subject, of 'JFiso." Ho says

Jorr-th" was tbe first man who retired from tho Department of tho Interior."

An exchange Bays: In our obituary notice o. the late Mr. in yesterday's issue, lor th-* phras9 'he was a noble and p'u-hoided man,' read,'he was a noble and big-hearted man.'"

A man iu England has taken out a patent for paper bed blankets. A person ought to feel comfortable under a quilt of Congressional Globes, with a spread of patent ofBee reports, and an extra thickness of statistics across t'ie feet.[—Bridgeport Standard.

A Chinaman in California whose life was ensnred for a large amount., was seriously hurt by falling Irom a wagon. There was HJUI doubt of bis ever getting better, and at length one of bis frleods wrote lo tho insurance company, "Charley half dead like half money."

An Oshkosh twin was in tliecity yestorday, lookincr fer bis brother, who had been missing for two days. After tbe twin had taken one or two drinks, it broke upon him that he himself was tbe missing one, »nd that bis brother was »t home milking. At this point the police gave up the search.

We didn't *ee anybody on New Year's that we could conscientiously call drunk bnt we observed one fellow who had his shadow backed up against an alley gate, holding it there with his finger shoved through a knot-bole, and talking it to death with uncompromising gravity.[—Easton Free Fress.

A case of chronic lazinoss is reported at Washington. A young man appointed to a clerkship in the Treasury Department was conducted to his desk, and informed what bis duties were. The chief of tbe Department discovered him a »bort time after comfortably reposing in his seat, with bis feet characteristically resting on the desk. "Hello," said the chief "don't yon ex-

Eect

Marshall Matters. MARSHALL, Feb. 12.1876.

to do any work?" "Work be aDged!" exclaimed tbe astonished youth: "I had to work hard enough to get here."

Nursery Nnnesnse.

Centennia is the latest agony in the way of a name for female babies. It is a pofitive fact that children do sometimes go tebed without quarreling. It's when they have no light, and when ghosts loom up in the darkness.

A wicked boy, upon whose shoulders his mother was expressing her resentment with both slippers, felt too proud to cry, and kept up his courage by repeating to himself: "Two soles that beat as one!"

Tbe owner of a bright pair of ejen

1

assures ua that the pretties: cjmpii-

nent8he ever received came from a iildof4 years. The little fellow viter looking inteutly at her for a uomeut, inquired naively, "Are Vur eyes new ones?" "The boy at the head of the class .vili state what were the dark ages of hw world?" Boy hesitates ".Next, vlaster Biggs, can you tell me wuat im dark ages were?" "I guess they A ere tbe ages before spectacles wtre uveuted." "Go to your seats."

A candy store window displays, in worsted letters, the inspiring text, "flie Ljrd will provide." A boy

A ho passes daily says it ain't ao, aud "you can't git no candy iu there on the credit of Providence Nickeli is he only stutt wot gits tbem gumdrops.'

A little 6-year-old daughter of a Me'.hodist minister committed a fault, and deuled it. Her mother, learning she was guilty, asked her her why she told the umruth, when die replied with great .sang fluid: "I should not if I believed as you aud ber do I am a Uuiver-tilist!" "Pa, will you get me pair of skaiei- if I prove to you that a dog has ten tails?" "Yes, my sou." "Well to begin, one dog lias ono more tail than no do„, hasn't he?" "Yes." "Well, uo dog has uiue tails aud if otiedog Ii one more tail than no dog,'lien one dog must liavo teu tails!" He got the skates.

The motto for the week on a little girl's Sunday school card was, "Get hee behind meSatau." There were gooseberries in the gardea, but she •vas forbidden to pluck them pluck hem she did. "Why did not you," said the mother, "when you were tempted to touch them, say, "Get lice behind me, fSatan?"' "I did,' -die said earnestly, "and bo got riuht behind me aud pushed me iu the 'nish."

A friend of tlia writer, n»-»i ling on a farm in Illinois, has a 4-yearmold daughter named IStta, who irt-quent-ly amuses herself by pl-ioiug the cnairs in a tow and calling thorn train of cars. One evening while thus engaged, Mr. (rleud of lie family, called, and unthiukiugly occupied one of the "oars." Miss Etta, nor, wishing to have her play disturbed, stepped up and said, "Mister, dis is a train of tars." "Oh," said Mr.B "Then I'll be a passenger and take a ride*"Little litta was not at afl satisSed, After hesitating a moment she said, "Where do 'ou want to dlt off?" Mr. replied, "I'll get off at Bloomiugton." "Well" said Etta, demurely, "dis is de place." [Harper's Magazine.]

Drhodox Oddites.

The Brooklyuites have invited Dr. Edward Beecher to come down and give thet'n "Hell," which Is bis most celebrated sermon.

Free Press: "I wantaservanurirl,'J says a Philadelphia advertiser, "who ii a christian, and who won't burn the meat all up." He'd better «end to Heaven.

Charles Dudley Warner telli of a pious young man who boasted that ho taught a Sabbath-school clasi of young Indies, every one of whom wore six-buttoned kid glove*.

Tolm M. Francis, of Iho Troy Times, now making a tour "filio world, thinks the heathen of India are not half so bully in need of salvation as the heathen of America.

Dr. Co mm ing, of Loudon, rodent ly preached before the Queen, aud dwelt upon the doctrind that all souls in a batter world would recognize those they had known on earth. The Queen thanked him.

One hundred and twentyei«ht people petitioned Moody to pray for a Philadelphia gis company, but be backed square down and said it was no use insulting the Lord.—[Detroit Free Press.

A lady remarked to a popular divine that his sarmans werJ a litt'e to long. "Dop'tyou think so?" said

1/8he_-just

a little?" "AM da.tr mad

am," replied the divine, "I am afraid you don't like 'lhe sincere miijt of the word.'" ,'Ye's I do," said she: "but you know the fashion nowadays is condensed milk."

An Iilinols clerical sho »rd, aceuji edof undue familiarity with some of his lambs, says he would willingly "confess" If it didn't look much like leaning toward the Chu chof Borne.

Nfluralsla worked on Mr i. 3nUli Till 'neatli tb* »*»d It iat n-r Slie wm a wor hy Methodlw',

And aerved as a oraaader. Aclorgyma of a country villas^ church desired to give notic-* that there would be ho service in the afternoon, as ho was going to o.Yici ir,(* for another clergyman. Too clerk, as soon as the sermon was finished, rose up with all due solemnity, ant cried out. "I am reduestcd to give notice that there will be no tbia afternoon. as Mr. L. is goins fishing with another clergyman."

A religious journal thinks that if a person "brings his opera-glass to church -'as he does to a theatre, th« couoert' or the opera, it is most certainly not allowable,"and thai "if he brings his glass to gar.a at the audi-, ence, criticise the choir, or in auy manner use it &8 an instrument of amusement, he had better stay at home." At the same time the ptuer in question thinks thata near.-dghtec! person mav very properly u-ie OJKT Iglasees in church, as may als« those hard of hearing whocan understand better by seeing the m.wjmeMis of the preachers lips,

Clergymen ought to be little careful in the administration of sympathy. There are some iwautifdi doctrines which will probably hive to be modified to suit certalu emergencies. One of tbe cloth was the other day consoling an afflicted brother on what he supj »-.*?d to tw the loss of his wife by death, and an sured him of the certainty of m-etinf her

on

the other Bide, wnetj t'.i.i

affli«ted intetrupted him by .ylug, «*I hope that what you say is not lit eraiiy true, for I have just -en di vorced, and expected thai U»e bil* covered this world and the noc: what you say is true,yon w«uid pity me, indeed, for my prospect iu anvihimt but enchanting." Wc I cine W g»od, but itou h:.i»

given to the wrong patexit.

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