Bloomington Telephone, Volume 11, Number 27, Bloomington, Monroe County, 8 November 1887 — Page 3

GROWLERS AHD KICKERS, BT MET. WHAKGDOODLX BAXTER. Dar no pastime more deleterious to do human race dan grumblin'. Dars sum folks what's eberlastinly kickin which mils9 even'ohully destroy de moah lubable and tender qualities ob de human laoe. Yes, berlnbbed brederen, de crochity man dives inter der well ob troof only ter eroak wid de fraugs at de bottom. Hits a pity he don't git drowned. In the langwich of Brer. Opie Beid, ob de Arkansaw Traveler: "Sum folks g rowls about de berry source ob der fortune; fer instance, when de farmer complains about de heat." Dat ar' Line ob a man will fine fault whar nobody else would eber think of lookin' f oah hit bum lazy folks say dat de wuld owes 'em a libra'. Maybe hit does, but dey should take der trubble ter kerlect de debt I makes, at de same time, some 'lowance fur kickers. We can't help bein' kickers to sum extent. We am born kickers. One ob de berry fust tings a baby does when he comes inter dis world am ter kick. ivickin' am not confined to de poorer classes. Only yisterday I read in a paper dat Queen Victori t kicked de beam at 200 pounds. Hit didn't say whaffer she kicked de beam, but hit goes ter show dat she am a powerful kicker. If a man feels an inclinashun ter growl and kick, let him go ter work, for de moah a man works de less time he has ter grumble about hard times and sich. Hits a heap easier ter find fault dan hit am to find perfecshun. He who am aUers growlin' deserbes ter Lab good -cause ter complain. In de words ob de inspired poet : All fro life You'll nnd dis rale. Han i a kicker, So'a amewel." Texas Siftings.

How much trouble he avoids who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does or thinks, but only to what he does himself, that it must be just and pure. JIArn A MONTH. AwrxU wanted. CO boot 9 11X fll I ing" articles in the wnrM. 1 s-mpV I'UEE. WvU Address JAY BKONnON. Detroit, jH.cU.

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Modern Longevity There is much in modern life that tends to shorten existence and to diminish the probability that a man or woman will reach ninety, to say nothing of a hundred. "We lead more ex citing and more wearing lires. It ia in rain that a person has a splendid con nlitution to begin with, wears flannel or the equivalent of flannel next to the skin, dwells in a warm, dry house, and eats and drinks everything that is good and wholesome, if at the (tame time he habitually overtaxes his strength, looks upon his muscles as mere machinery to be driven at high pressure, and ruth lessly calls upon hisnervea to squander their reserve power when every other source of energy is exhausted. Men or women who intend to be centenarians in these days must combine something of the old mode of life wth something of the new mode of living. They must, while availing themselves of all the scientitic discoveries and sanitary appliances of the age, imitate their grandsires in tbe steady and tranquil habits that prevailed before the invention of locomotives and the telegraph. Tbey must have their eight hours of sleep regularly; they must have intervals of repose and vacancy in the daytime; they must spend a goodly portion of their waking hours in the open air. Nor will that suffice; there will have to be regularity in the hours of their meals, and discipline in the ordering of the dishes of which tue meals are composed. We cannot believe that anybody will ever live to one hundred who eats a heavy dinner every night of his life at eight o'clock. Champagne in abundance and Bordeaux or .burgundy ad libitum should be forsworn by persons who deliberately set before them the attaining of their hundredth birthday. Neither, with such an end in view, would the active life of a politL ian, a lawyer, or a doctor be a safe enterprise. In order to reach that distant goal there must be a training, if not severe, at least regular and un flinching. Most of all there must prevail in the existence of such a person a tranquil serenity, an unruffled calm. Neither generous passions nor enthusiastic ideas must be allowed admittance. The pulse must never be driven up beyond a certain point, either by work, by anxiety, by fear, or by hope. At the same time, mere stagnation will, in all probability, never enable a person to live to one hundred. There is uuch a thing as rusting out as well as wearing out. If a candle does not bifrn brightly enough it does not consume the wax with rapidity, and goes out for want of adequate combustion. It is so, no doubt, with the human body and the human spirit. American AnalyaL Just Like Abe. "Have you seen this story about Abe Lincoln, where, when he was a clerk in a dry-goods store, he discovered after the lady had gone that he had cheated her oat of six and a quarter cents in making change, and how he closed the store and walked three miles after dark that evening to refund the money?" This question was asked by the minister, and addressed to old Sobersides. "Yes, said Sobersides, "I've got a clerk who reminds me of Old Abe. and every time I read that scory I think of him." "You don't say. He must be a sjdendid fellow." "He is. He had precisely the same experience that is told of Lincoln." "You don't say! Failed to give back the right amount of change? Discovered has mistake? And walked three miles to give it back? Did he do that V" "Yes, better than that. He walked four miles instead of three and did not return until two oclock next morning. " "Magnificent youth! God bless him!" ejaculated the minister. "Yes, nice fellow, and he would have made his mark, too, if the girl hadn't had him arrested."

"Arrested? "What for? "Breach of promise." Bismarck Tribune.

A Cold Day. Family man, in great haste, rushes into drug store b'g pawd'n chemist's. "Can you put this up for me right away? In an awful harry." Drug-store man reads prescription and turns pale. 'Tm afraid I can't do it to-day, sir ; II think we are out of some of the ingredients." Man of family takes back paper and reads: "Half a dozen safety-pins ; "Three nutmegs; "A pound of West Chester butter; "One quart cider vinegar; "Two yards white flannel; "A paper of needles; "A box of 'Bough on Rats " This was the shopping list his wife had given him Then the prescription for himself that he got from the doctor must have been the paper he threw out of the window. Thus does Jane W. Nemesis, avenger at law, keep her glassy eyes nailed upon the man who needs the most watching. Burdeltc. Earthtjuuke Prescience. In a paper before a late meeting of the Seismoloical Society of Japan, Prof. Milne mentioned the s:gns of alarm which the lower animals often show just before earthquakes. Ponies were observed to prance in the stalls half a minute before a shock last January. Proof has been found that pheasants scream, and frogs suddenly cease their croaking, while geese,swine, and dogs give tbe clearest indications of an approaching earthquake. It was suggested that the animals are probably very sensitive to slight preliminary tremors, though in volcanic districts small animals have been not only alarmed but even killed by gases escaping just befor.3 earthquakes, Arkan

saw 'iravettr. A Botanical Bonanza. Prof. F. E. Boynton says in the Popular Sdtw-e Monthly that a region of country tweity miles in diameter, where North Carolina, South Carolina, and Georgia come together, "contains more interesting and rare plants than can be found in any spot in the United States occupying the same area. "

fostlj Experiment. An intelligent farmer who thought that the bank were not safe lives in

Elba, Minn. He sold a farm for $2,000 and hid the money in his house; and in a few days, while his wife was at the spring getting a pail of water, the money was stolen, and the house was set on fire and burned to the ground. A Roundabout Wftf. "Do you swear?" asked a ministerial-looking man of a sailor on the dock. "Partly often," was the reply. "Drink?" " m ves. I git dry one t in a while." "Gamble?" "When the v'yage's over I shake a few dices." "Chew tobacco?" "Look here, shipmate, ain't you gittin' kind'r curious? 1 "Answer me that; do you chew tobacco?" "Wa'al, yes, T do." "That's what I wanted to get at, and meant to do it in a soothing, gentlemanly way, as it were. Gimme a chew, will you?" Pu-k. Credulity InsultoJ. What is the sense in writing things that people cannot believe. Now Marry att wrote "The Pacha of Many Tales," when everybody Knows that a Pacha has none; and here conies Kider Haggard with "A Tale of Three Lions," which everybody knows is a thing impossible outside of a dime museum, and then even there it would probably be doctoved. A lion with three tails there might be, but three with one never ! Burdette. Atmospheric Influences. An Austin gentleman asked Gus De Smith if it was hotter in Austin than in Galveston. Gus replied that Austin was much the hottest. Tho Austin man said that in Austin the thermometer did not often go much higher than ninety. "That may be," responded Gus, "but it is so cool at Galveston when the thermometer is ninety that you fel chilly, and need an overcoat." Harpw Hideous In Kvnry Guise, Whether it bo tho best known form, chills and lever, or else bilious remittent, double ague or ague cake, is that abominable disorder involving the liver, ithc bowel and th3 kidneys, known as malaria. Every complaint class-nod under this generic, though erroneous appella

tion, is destructive of the nervous ny&tem, but is, unhappilly, not to be subdued, or vm chocked, by the use of ordinary nervines, febrifuges or tonics. Thero is, however, yrompt relief and ultimate cure to be found in Hosteller's

Stomach Bitters, foremost among the proprie

tary remedies of America, and widely Knn :.n other lands. Not only disease l orn cf miasma,

but rheumatic complaints, superind uced by e xposure in bad weather, inherited or incurred d?T j j.ii i . a . i 1.3 .a j j

unity oi mo Kiuueys or umauoi, uy :spejjnini uuu an irregular condition of bowel, ara curable

nay, certain to be cured by this iie-sorvedlv esteemed and professiouallv sanctioned corrective.

Honest John Blank was for several

vears tho well-known Governor of a

New England State. Governor John

had a brother William, perhaps equal

ly honest, though less well-known, who

was a sportsman, and somewhat given

to the cheerinfir cup. On one of his shooting excursions William and a boon

companion found that their horse did

not trot quite rapidly enough to corre

spond with their exhilarated notions of

the proper speed, and the companion

urea a cnarge or Dirci-suot in t o x-ne ani

mal to encourage him. The horse

dashed wildly off, the buggy rocking,

hats and parcels flying in all directions,

and "William, ruler of the storm, shout

ed with delight, "Shoot "im ag'm!

shoot 'im ao'in! He goes adm'ably.

Editor's Druwer in Harper' a Maga

zine.. Happy Homes. Much has been written and sfcirf about liovr to make home happy. Tho moralist and the preacher have hackneyed this theme until it would seem nothing more remained to bo said. But tho philosophers have gone far out of their way to account for tho prevalence of ill asuortod couplea and unhappy homes, aui have overlooked tho chief cause. Most 'of tho unhappiuesB of married life can le traced directly to those functional dorar.gementa to which women are subject In nine cases out of ten the irritable, dissatisfied, s.nd unhappy wife is a sufferer from some "female complaint" A trial of Dr. Pierce's Favorite Prescription will produce more domestic hnpineB than a million sermons or philosophical treatises. It cures all those peculiar weaknesses and ailments incident to women. It is the only medicine sold by druggists, under a positive guarantee from the manufacturers, that it will give satisfaction in every case, or money will he refunded. Bee guarantee printed on wrapper inclosing bottle. The orderly of the day is very frequently and disreputably the disorderly of the night. Washing ton Critic. How to Gain Flesh and feuength. Use after each meal Scott's Emulsion with Hypophosphites. It is as palatablo as mi.k, and easily digested. The rapidity with which delicate people improve with iU use is wonderful. Use it and try your weight Ah a remedy for Consumption, 'Jhroat affections, and Bronchitis, it is unonualod. Please read: al used Boon's Emulsion in a child eight months old with good results. Ho eained four pounds in a very short time." 10. Pbiat, M. D., Alabama. When the editor fires a lespectfully submitted article out of the window itisaclear case of ex-communication.

Deserving of Confidence. Thero ia no article which bo richly deserve the entire confidence of tho cjmmunity a BROWN'S Buonchiai Troches. Thoe suffering from Asthmatic and Bronchial Diseases, Coughs, and Cold-j should try them. l-Vioo 23 cents. A refractory cur window aad a prolty girl Will make a big man ieel very small. A Popular Thoroughfare. The Wisconsin Central Line, although a comparatively new factor in the railroad'systema of the Northwest, has acquired an enviable popularity. Through careful attention to details, its tsorvico ia aa near perfection as might be looked for. The train attendants seem to regard their trusts as individual i operty and aa a result the public is served ar-excei;eticG. Tho road now rung solid hrough fast trains botween Chicago, Milwancoe, 8t Paul an 4 Minneapolis with Pullman best and unequalled dining cars; it also runs through, solid sleepers between Chicago, Ashland, Duluth and the famous mining regions of Northern Wisconsin and Michigan.

Catarrh Cured. A clergyman, after years of suffering from that loathsome disoaso, Catarrh, and vaialy trying ovory known remedy, at last found prescription which completely cured and saved him from dt-a-Ui. Any suflforor from this dreadful disease sending a elf-addressed stamped envelope to Prof. J. A Lawrence, 21$ East Ninth street, New York, w.il receive the recipe free of charge. Offer No. 174. FBEE! To Merchants Only: An elegant Carving Set (knife, fork, audleelj, in ea nail ned cas. Address at once, It W. XAN'yiiJ, &Co., a tree t, Chicago.

Mix wants but little here below, But wants that little strong. This is especially true of a purge. The average man or woman does not precisely hanker for it, as a rule, but when taken, wishes it to ho prompt, sure, and elective. Dr. Pierce's PicaBant Purgative Pellets loave nothing to be desired in point of efticacy, and yot their action is totally free from any unpleasant svmptoms, or disagreeable aftereffects. rure!y vegetable, perfectly harmless.

The Indian name for a lunatic in the-man-with-his - train- of- thought- off- the-track.

Itr thousands of cures are the best advertisement for Dr. Sago's Catarrh Kemedy. The leading man who ia alwavs trying to mash some of tho girls in the audience might properly be called a lcer-icui art.st. Itching Viies. Symptoms Moisture; intone itching and stinging; most at night; worse by scratching. If allowed to continue tumors form, which ofton bleed and ulcerate, becoming very soro. Swayno'a Ointment, stops tho itching and bleeding, heals ulc ration, and i:i nianv canog removes the lumorn. It is equally cfticacious in curing all Skin Diseases. Di Kwanui Son, Proprietors. Philadelphia. Sway ne's Ointment can bo obtained of druggists, or by mail. The habit of running over lxots or shoes corrected with Lyon's Patent Ileei Stiffeuers,

OME Study. Secure a Business Education by mull from Bryant's Business College. Bui?alo, .N.Y.

MENTION THIIJ PAP1CK mum wiitih to iDfuruiu,

ITOTTCiTrtTTC! to Soldiers and Hfiirs. L. B1NOdXiOXJX'iO ham, Att'y, Washington, D.0 MJCNTION THU PATER wmm wsrim ro aptutubu " KIDDbR'S

A SUJIR ClTKEOlR

INDIGESTION and DYSPEPSIA. Ovr 5,000 Physicians have eont us their approval of T'K'KSTYIjTN, earner that it is the bet preparation for Indignation that tney have ever used. Wo h ivb rever lip;ud of a rasa of Dvspepsia whors XttUESTYUN vmt taken that was not cured. FOR 0U0LERA INFANTUM. rr WUX CURE THIS MOST AGGRAVATED CASKS. XT WXLIj fcTOP VOMITING IN PItEUNAN;Y. 11' WILL RELIEVE CONSTIPATION. For Summer Comp aints and Chronic Diarrhea, v liich are the dirct rt-nuhsof inirerfcct digestion liKiKSTYLTSTvil! 'iTect an immediate euro. Takfl DltifiSTYiJN l'or all pains rnd disorders of tie Ntoiuach; they all romc from indigestion. Atik your druuaiitt for PRIEST YI.IN (pure $1 per 1an?e riottUi . If he does not have it, seus uo doJlft" to us end we will sonrt a bottle to m, o-prcH prepaid. lo iKt ht-K'.tate tn eud your money. Our house ia reliable. Established twenty-live years. WM. F. KIDDER & CO., I'nifHf?furIrr.r Ch"Tiilsfn, 83 John St., S.Y 11 TiON THIS .PAPER wim wm to aovskttuu.

Catarrh in the

Head

Originates in scrofulous taint in the blood. Hence the proper method hv which to cura catarrh i.s to purify the blood. Itsm my disagreeable symptoms and the danj,'?r of developing Intw bronchitis or that terribly fatftl di:i;aiet consumption, are entirely removed by Hood's S-'raaparilla, which cures catarrh by purifying the blood. "For several years I have been troubled with Oi.it terribly disagreeable disease, catarrh. I took Hood's 8arHa?ariU with the very best result. It cured me of that coutinued dropping in my throat and stuffed up feeling. It has helped my mother, who has; taken it for run down state of health and kidney trouble. I recommend Hood's Sarsapanlla to all as a good medicine." Mus. S. U. IIkats, Putnam, Conn.

Catarrh may Affect any portion of the body where the mucous membrane is found. But catarrh of tho lead is by far the most common, and, strange to say, the most liable to be neglected. The wonderful success Hood's Sarsapirilla h&s had in curing catarrh warrants us in urging all who suffer with tbis disease to try the pecu liar medicine. It renovates and invigorates the bloo J, and tones every organ. I have been troubled with catarrh a year, causing great soreness of the bronchial tubes anil terrible headache. I read that Hood's Sarsaporilla would cure catarrh, and .fter taking only one bottle I am much better. My catarrh is cured, my throat is entirely well, and rt.f headache has all disappeared." E. Gibbons, Hamilton, Butler Co., O.

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The uiun who has invested iron three to five d liurs in a Rubber Coat, and at his n.'st half hour's experience in a storm tlnds to his sorrow that it Is hirdly a better protection than a mosquito netting, not or.lv feels chagrined at being so bailiy uken in, but also feels If he does not look exactly like

Aaktorthc "r'lSIl r.KAM)" Pmckkr IB U HIW V and tak-i no other. If venr storekeeper does not have the kish sr4nt, seiui for descriptive catalocue. A.J. Towtiu'iO Simmons Sr.. lioston. Mass.

A WET

We oier tlie man who wants service (not style) a garment that will keep him dry in the hardest storm, it is called TOWEU'S FISH If RANil " SLICKKK," a name familiar to every Cow-boy u:l over the land. With them the only perfect Wind and Waterproof Coat Is Tower's Fish Brand Sticker."

Cures Nauralflla. TAoth&

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