Bloomington Telephone, Volume 10, Number 52, Bloomington, Monroe County, 29 April 1887 — Page 2

APFUXO ASTRONOMY.

He took me out to see t he start That astronomic bore ; B e said there were two moons near Mars, While Jupiter had fo ir. I thought of course he'd wWaper soon "What fourfold bliss 'twould be To stroll beneath that (fourfold moon On Jupiter with me. And when he spoke of Saturn's ring, I was convinced ho'd say That was the very kind of thing To ofler me some day 4 Bu ' n a tangent off he went , To double stars . Now that Was most suggestive, so content And quite absorbed I s&t. But no, he talked a dreary mess, Of TThich the only fraction That ctiught my fancy, I confess, Was "mutual attraction. I said I thought it very queer And stupid altogether, For stars to keep so very near, ' And yet not come together. At that he smiled, and turned his head ; I thought he'd caught the notion. He merely bowed good-night and sale. Their safety lay in motion.

STRANGER THAN FICTION.

BX CHARLES WTHEBIIiU AH these are under two years," said the matron of the Foondling Hospital, as she looked complacently around on the goodly array of babies of all sizes and complexions, ranged on t ither side of the long nursery. There were babies, plump, rosy, and good-natured, as all babies should be. and pale, fretful, puny little creatures, who looked as if they wore already disgusted with the life upon which they had entered; black, blue, and gray-eyed babies, and babies with eves of very little color at all. It would seem that lie lady addressed, and who was desirous of obtaining one for adoption, would find no difficulty in suiting herself; but either she did not see what she was in search of, or was too bewildered by no many rival claims to be abie to make any choice. Here is a Tery fine boy-baby," said the matron, pausing in front of a black-eyed fellow, who sat on the knee of its nurse, tucking its fat thumb. "Yes; but I want a girl, a blonde. Something like this." As the matron glanced at the photograph that was handed her, which was that of a lovely child of not more than two s ummers, aha uttered an exclamation of surprise. "It is the picture of my little girl," said the ladv. her eves filling with tears. who

died a few weeks ago, and whose place I Wish to fill, if such a thing be possi ble.0 "We have a little girl in the hospital ward' said the matron, "who resembles this picture so strongly that I should think it wa taken for her. Both parent are dead, ind, so far as I can learn, Uuure is no one to claim her." The speaker led the way to a cheerful, tunny upper room, where on one of the little cots a beautiful child was sleeping. The resemblance to the picture was very strong, and to the bereaved mother it seemed almost like a revelation from Heaven, "Lilian, darling Lilian!" she cried, bending over her. The child must have been dreaming of its mother; the fringed lids flew open, revealing eyes blue and vondrously bright, while the little arms went up, with an eager fluttering motion "Mamma! Clasping the child to her heart, the lady burst into tears, while the matron looked wonderin,?ly from one to the other. "She looks enough like you to be your own child." 3he is my own child!" was the tearful response. "Providence has had compassion on my loneliness and sorrow, and given my little Lilian back to me!"

Blue-eyed, golden-haired Lilian Howard stood irresolutely at the door of her father's study; the coLjr coming and going in the cheeks, and a look of fear and dismty in the sweet face thatwas never seen there before. The door beim? ajar, Mr. Howard heard her step, gentle as it was. "Daughter! Mr. Howard locked gravely and tenderly into the pale, wistful face that confronted him. My child, you look as if you were summoned before a stern judge rather than a tender father, who would not knowingly deny you anything that would promote your true happiness. n 44 You have always teen Tery kind to me, papa until now," said Lilian, bursting into tears. "But, indeed, indeed I can never be happy without Chtxlie! Taking his daughter's hand, Mr. Howard led her to a seat in the recess of one of the windows. Let us talk the matter over calmly. Tou are my only child, the pride and joy of my heart I have given you every advantage that wealth can command, and feel that I have a right to expect you to do better than to marry a man with neither position nor means to support you in the style to which you have been aarastomed. And your mother fuHy agrees with me." But, papa, you always seemed to like Charlie until now. You never objected to his coming or my going out with him before." I like him still; my personal feelings have not changed toward him in the least. But I find his prosf lects are very different from what: I thought they were. I supposed Mr. Haven U have no family, and thinking so much of the young man as he seemed to do. a distant relative and all, I thought that he would inherit the larger part of his property. But he tells me that he has a daughter, who will have every penny of it, which gives the matter quite a different complexion.. It is a little curious that much as he has been here, and as intimate as he has benn with all of us, that he never spoke of let. But why should you ear for money, papi, who have so much?" You are wrong, Lilian. True, 1 am the owner of consider ble property, but the shrinkage in all values has greatly orippled

my resources. Go now, my child; I have j the happiness of his long-lost daughter.

Then I see no retson why you twa shouldn't marry. Lilian opened her eyes widely. "You don't think I ought to disobey papa?" "I've said nothing about your disobeying your father; that is ubout the very latit thing that I should aonnsel you to do. But Charlie is poor, you know. I have sx daughter just about yo ir age, who wilt is herit ail my wealth. Do you think you could be happy in a small, plainly -fur-" niahed house, with neither servants, lino dresses, nor any of thn beautiful things to which you have been i.ccustomd all you: life?" The golden lashes drooped until they lay nuiveringly upon tl e 'flushed cheeks. Ii Charlie were there," Mr. Haven's face hi trayed strange ancl strong emotion. Twenty years ago," he said tremulously, "lips just as sweet s poke to me nearly the same words. As I live, your life shall not b blighted as hers was. Cheer up, my child," he added, "ieavo the matter to mo, and all will be well. 1 vras on my way to your house when you n.et me. I am going to dm there to-day. Let us go back together." Mr. and Mrs. Howard were too much accustomed to the vagaric s of their wealthy and eccentric neighbor, to be any way surprised at his appearance. He had frequently d ned with them in the f ame unceremonious fashion; his genial and kindly traits of character making iiim a great favorite with the family. Their after-dinner ta k turning upon the improbabiiityof a recently-published story, Mr. Haven snid, "I will relate a story, as strange as any that can be found in what is called fiction, and which is strictly t rue: "Sixteen years ago yesterday, as it stands upon the records of a certain orphan asylum in a distant couaty, n lady, young, fair, and wealthy, wont there for the purpose of obtaining a child to lake the place of one she had iust lost. In one of

the wards was a lovely little girl, whose parents hnd both been jailed, as was supposed, in a railway disaster, and who so strongly resembled he - lost darling that her heart went out towards it at first glance. "She took it away with her, giving it hoi child's place find name, and her husband, who was absent at the time, has never once suspected thnt it was net the little one that he kissed at parting, iml over whose grave the grass has been gj owing for many a year. "Six months later the father of this child who had recovered in a measure from tho accident which had made him a cripple foi life, called at tins asylum to claim net, but enly to learn that she hd passed as completely out of his posset sion as if the grave had bidden her from hi? eyes. "The death of a wealthy relative hnd raised him from poverty to" aftluenco, and he spaired neither laonoy nor pains in bis endeavors to ficd her. But the lady who had taken her from the asylnm having given a false mime a; id address, all his efforts were frui tless, md it was not until after the lapse ot boxu 3 years, and by the merest chance, hat ha obtained a clue which led to the discovery of her whereabouts. "She was then a bloo ning maiden of 15, the inmate of a beantifi 1 and happy home, and 'the pride ani darling of a man for whira he had a high esteem, and who believed her to be his own child. AH the father's love sprang up in his lonely heart as he looked upon the c:weet face that was the living picture of the wife he had so loved and mourned, but foreseeing the discord and unhappiness tJirt the enforcement of his claims would occasion, he contented himself by placing her where he could see her occasionally, jmd w itch over her inter ests. "But as time passed cn. and she reached the age of eighteen, she proved to be her mother's daughter in heart, as well us form, bestowing it, as that mother did befor her, on a man whose poverty was the only objection that could be bought against him. When he found that her happiness was to be sacrificed, he resolved " Here the speaker wan interrupted by an exclamation from one of the group. Mrs. Howard bad fainted. Dtring the bustle and confusion that followed Mr. Haven went out upon the lawn, where he was joined, half an hour later, by Mr. Howard. After conversing together a few miitutes the two returned to the house, where they found Mrs. Howard and Lilian. Both b ad evidently been weep -ing, but the countenance of the former was composed though very pale. "Mr. Haven," sbe faltered, "for the first time my husband knows that tho child so dear to us both is akin to neither. But you are wrong if you think that I intended at first to deceive him. I whs among strangers when my own baby died, and he on a business tour of several months' duration. The two wr of nearly the same age, and strangely alike, and on perceiving that my husband saw no difference I decided to wait until t he had gained too strong a place in his heart; to be easily dislodged; every week's delay making my task more difficult, until it became something that I found it impossible) to do. And, strange as it may sound to you, so closoly did Lilian resemble tho little one I lost, and ho entirely did she take her place in my heart, that I could never :nake it seem that she was not mine by birth as well as by affection." "I can give you the key to this," said Mr. Haven, "as well as to Lilian's strong resemblance to you and your child. Have you forgotten your twin sister, who bore the same name, ac d who was discarded by her family for murryinsf beneath her, as they called it? Sba was my wife, and the mother of your Lilian; for I have not come to disturb the relation that has so long subsisted between you, but to see that she is not defrauded of woman's dearest right,

the right to wed th; man who has not only won her heart, but is worthy of it. There is many a millionaire who is not so rich in all that constitutes true manhood n Charles Harlowe. My geatle Lilian was nearly heart-broken ut the harsh decree which separated her from all her early friends; give not to her child the same bitter experience, but let her go to the husband of her choice with your blessing as well as mine." That the blessing of her adopted parents followed Lilian to her ne'v life and home

we may be sure. Mr. Havun is very happy

some letters to write, iou may oe sure

that your father haa decided wisely. Tell the young man what I have told you, and let that end the matter." Tying on her hat, Lilian went out for her "usual walk; but not even the bright sunshine, and bloom, and verdure of that beautiful June day could make hor heart less heavy. Her eyes were so blinded by the tears that wouUi come that sho nearly ran against an odd-looking, middle-aged nan, who came hobbling along the narrow footpath. As he caught a glimpse of the young ladyH quivering lips and tear-wet lashes, he came to a sudden stop. "Crving, Miss Lilian! What doss this mean?" Lilian looked into the kind, sympathizing face of the speaker. O h, Mr. Haven,, papa says thf i I can see Charlie only once more; and then only to tell him thai we enn never, never pastry!'1 Does he?" was the grim response. WI think shall have something Jo layabout that. Do you love Charlie ?" Dearly!" "And you think he loea you?" I am' sun of it."

who oftan declares "that she has two

papas, and does not know which she loves best."

How They Enjoy Nheiley. A Boston newspaper tells how thoroughly the young women of the Hub enjoy 'the Shelley readings, and appreciate the poetry. "Go thou to Rome," began the reader. "Don't I wish I could," was the remark of a member. "I think those

i lines are delightful, don't you?"

"He goes right to the heart." After a long silence in the corner, while the melodious vcico of the reader seemed to bring a forgetfuiness of all earthly things to the club: "Sav," whispered a young lady, "isn't lie lovely?" Who, the reader?" "No." "Shelley?" "Why, no; that young man with the primrose necktie. I'm just longing to know him. He's a daisy

BILL NYE. Th Genial Humorist Tells How to Fire an Objfct'onable Suitor, Mr. Nrs: Noticing tnat you bare given a (?roat deal of advice free, I thought that possibly you would tell me vhe best method of getting rid of an impertinent young man, whoso room is much preferable to his company. Hoping that I do not intrude on your valuable time. Your truly, You do not say what you wish to get rid of the young man, nor do you state what is the matter with Iiira ; whether he is a poor conversationalist or too fluent in that line ; whether the first two joint of his finor and thumb are yellow with cigarette stains, or what his loading characteristics are. Possibly he has fatty degeneration of the thinker. However, you say he is an impudent young man, and I infer that you have gone through the preliminaries of gentle scorn and such things as that. Now what shall we do to make him fully understand that you do not want hiin to remain ? Perhaps you have such a thing as a younger brother about the house. If so bring him in and let him toy with the young man a few hours. You can excuse yourself while you ostensibly put on your other dress, and if you delay long enough you can cause the young man a great deal of intense suffering. You can take the right kind of a younger brother, with inrtamniatory hair and white eyes and warts on his thumbs and season cracks in the backs of his hands, and if you properly "sick" the boy on his prey and fasten the door securely, you can come back in an hour and do anything you want to with that young man. I know this to be true, for I have been young myself. I have also been a boy. There are other indignities which you might heap on an impudent and persistent young party who don't know enough to go home. I have known young men who infested a house that way to be eradicated by means of very sad music. They do not die in the house.

I'ous music will drive away the bravest young man who ever tried to sit out a firm and wakeful parent. Do you sing ? If so, let your selections be of a sad and melancholy nature, soaked with unshed tears. Should he undertake to draw near and console you, you might do as you think best about allowing him to do so. If you think he is simply practicing on you so that he can graceful ly embrace another, you might induce him to crawl under the divan after

something or other, and then while he . gently backed out you could administer ;

a severe reproor to mm oy means ot a fence board. Some use a picket, but you will find that a fence b6ard will hurt worse, and so give better satisfaction. Another plan would be to avoid

laughing at his funny anecdotes. Wait till he gets through with the anecdote ; and looks up in your eyes for a twinkle ; of merriment. That is the time to re- j

frain from twinkling. Wait till he gets to the nub of the joke, as it were, and pricks up Lis ears to listen for a wild burst of silvery laughter. That is the time to hang ou to your silvery laughter. It will give him a pained expressiontof countenance, and you will see him soon after look at his wtttch. When he completes his story, suddenly wako up and ask him if that is all. Few men can endure this for over two weeks. Of course there are other and more radical methods of accomplishing the result you wish, but these are the ones more common in the best of societv. I naturally supposed that you waitted the methods used in the best society, or you would have gone elsewhere instead of -coming to me. Should you finally wish to be more severe, however, yoa can invite a young girl to be present during the young man's stay. I would suggest that this young girl be a fluent talker on the isubject of .clothes. If you both keep the talk going pretty well while the young man looks at the album or gazes with a fixed stare through a stereoscope that hasn't any pictures in it, you will soon have his paehydermic pelt on the fence. But there is a bare possibility that this young man is in love with you, ancl would think it humorous eveii if you were to fill him full of fine shot. In that case, I do not know what you ought to do. Love is a strange missive. It goes where it i3 not sent, and it refuses to go where it is sent. If you could get him away by himself, it would be well enough, perhaps, to ask him if he loves you. That's tho way I should do. The quicker a matter of that Icind is disposed of tho better. Ask him in a manly way if such is the case, aul if he really does love you, and has treason to believe that you were paying attention to him all this time, you cannot in honor desert him now. Sometimes a girl marries a man to get rid of him. I have known several cases of this kind. I once knew of a young woman who married a person in order to get rid of him, and it worked so well that he isn't at home once a month since they were married. He is

the owner of a wooden lee:, and thei

only way she can keep him at home is to get up early.in the morning and conceal this limb in the hay mow at tho barn. (.Jetting rid of & man is a very simple process if you are really in carn&st about it. Some girls marry and feed ltheir victims with bread that they have made themselves. That is a roundabout way of getting rid of a man. Do not be discouraged. L-3t me JtnowJiow you got on with the suggestions I have made above, and I am confident we will succeed. Have you ever tried wearing a large, tall hat with a stuffed blue jay in it to the theater, and sitting in the seat just in front of him? Try it if you ha vo not done so already, and if you do not get rid of him as well as a great namber of law-abiding citizens, write me, and I will suggest something else. Yours trulv, Bill Nye. They Knew the Flag. I once saw a young soldier who belonged to a battery of artillery, engaged in patching the holes in his guidon (a marker's flag) with cloth from tho lining of his uniform. When I asked him why he spent so much time to mend that old

I flag, his answer was, that as we are so tor from the bass of wppiiin ho could

not got a new one, and that when the battery went into action with thirtysix horses and six guns, he always stuck the pike of the guidon into the ground where the battery was to form, and even if tho man who rode the leading horse was killed or disabled, and the noise of the battle was so great that the bugle call could not be heard, the horses would wheel around the flag and execute the maneuver known as ".By left into line," and bring the muzzles of the six guns on a line with the flag, and then, as soon as the guns were unlimbered, he would again place it about two hundred paces in tho rear, and the horses would gallop to the rear with the caissons and halt again on a line with it Chicago Journal. Two Humorists. During the war Ferd Hamilton was assigned to duty as orderly to Gen. Fagan. Hamilton's character is a study. War, pestilence, nothing could destroy his peculiar individuality. One day Gen. Fagan called on a gentleman who livtsd several miles distant from the camp. Hamilton accompanied him. He rode at regulation distance behind the general. As they neared the house Fagan stoped at a large, heavy gate, of course expecting Hamilton to dismount and open it. Hamilton rede up and stoppod. Fagan looked at him; he looked at Fagan. Fagan got down, without raying a word, and opened the gate. Hamilton rode through and waited until the general caught up w:th him. Pagan hitched his own horw, and, taking a seat on the gallery, began a conversation with tho man whom he had come to see. Hamilton hitched h::s horse, took a seat near Fagan, leaned back, lighted a cob pipe, and took an active part in tho conversation. Fagan was a strict disciplinarian, but he had such a sense of humor that, excusing himself, he went behind the house ai:.d laughed until he grew rod in tho faoe. In the same command there was another humorist, a practical joker named Hemy MuXette, who is now a pilot on

the Arkansaw Hiver. Just at this time in the history of the confederacy rations became scarce. Parched corn and sweet potatoes dc very well once in a long while, but are objectionable when taken as a steady diet. McNotte noticed that Lieut. Nowlin frequently visited a farm house, tho elegant country seat of J udge Beach. He had often seen the handsome Miss Beach, and he knew that Nowlin ft as paying special attentions to her. On? dav McNotte went to J udge Beach's house and rang the door bell. When a servant appeared, McNette put his hat uoder bis arm and asked if he could see Miss Beach. The servant crabbedly replied that he would see. Presently Miss Beach appeared. "Is this Miss Beach?" McNette asked as he humbly bowed to the young lady. "Lieut. Nowlin, who is very ill, ordered me to come over and ask you to send him a broiled chicken and anythiPK elso that you think he might relish." " Well, sit down there, n said the young lady. She would not allow any of the servants to prepare the meal. She broilod the chickoi: herself, and nicely arranging the "spread," gave it to MoNettE:, who again l owed humbly. He went down into tho woods and feasted. "There was enough for three men," he tuid, in speaking of the aftair, ''but on that occasion I was three men myself. 99 The next day Nowlin called ou Miss Bench"I an surprised to see yoa, die said. "Why?" he asked. "Because of your illness." "I haven't been ill." "You haven't? How did you enjoy the chicken?" "What chicken? "Why, one of your soldiers came here ancl said ihat you had sect for a broiled chicken. He was a " "Never mind. I know what sort of a man he is. I know him. He's that infernal Henry McNette." Arkaih&aw Traveler. A liojul Dinner

Mr, Granviller in his diary, fives the following account of his interview with Emperor Napoleon III. on the 26th of June, 1885: Yesterday morning arrived an invitation to dine at the Tuderies the same evening. I weut there, was ushered into a room witli eight or ten men in itr none of whom I knew except Count Bacciochi, whom I had me t at Fould's the day before three in uniform, the rest in plain clothes. A man whom I supposed to be tho aide-de-camp de service, came forward to receive me and invited me to sit down. Presently tht' same, or another man. came and

said: "Milord" (they all me), vouh vous mettrez a

uoun plait., a cote de VEmpereur a sa droiie. I was then taken into the next room, which adjoins the cabinet of the Emperor In a few minutes His Majesty made his appearance ; lie immediately came up to me, bowed very civilly, and asked me the usual questions of when 1 came to Paris, etc. In a minute dinner was announced, and we went in. As we went in, lie said to me : L'lmjjeratrice sera bieti fachee de ne voun avoir pas vu. At dinner, which did not last above twenty-tive minutes, he talked (a sort of dropping conversation on different eubjects, and I found him so easy to get on with that I ventured to start topics myself. After dinner we returned to the room wo had left, and after cofltee, seeiugme staring about at tho portraits, he said all his family were there, and he told me who they all were ami the history of these portraits, which, he said, had made tho tour of the world. After this he asked mo to sit dewn, which I did at a round table by his side, and M. Visconti on the other side of me, and then we had a conversation which lasted at least an hour and a half, on every imaginable subject. It was impossible not to be struck with his simplicity, his being so natural and totally without an air of assumption ol greatness, though not undignified, but perfectly co mine il fautt with excellent manners, and easy, pleasant, nuent conversation. I wus struck with his air of truth and frankness.

milorded table, s'll

A woman's heart, like the should but one m$u is it.

XUitQXl,

The Wet Blanket. There are few of us who have not made the acquaintance of the wet blanket, and have not experienced its chilling effects, and suffered influenzas and pneumonias from its contact. We have often received it, no doubt, from a quarter from which we least expected and have, it may be, in our turn betowed it where it was equally unwelcome. What a tendency it has to kill our little enthu&iams vith ite; frostv

ttuch, to accent our ignorances, to arrest our progress, to annihilate our pet conceits! She who does not know the wet blanket is a fortunate being, perhaps, but she lacks this means ef development and discipline, although most of us would vastly prefer to remain undeveloped and undisciplined to the end of our days. It is not cheerful to be matured by misfortune ; one would rather submit to the natural process of time. The wet blanket renders us selfconscious and shrinking ; it makes us feel as if we were too insignificant, too stupid, to accomplish anything serious or serviceable. It is worse than a narcotic for stupefying the faculties and benumbing the activities ; one could no more live under ins constant application than under that of a chronic olister; it is a species of torture which, although slight, ends by paralyzing effort, spontaneity and originality. There are instances., however, where the wet blanket has not been applied often enough where it would" be rather remediable ths.n otherwise in counteracting aelf-sufficieacy and other deepseated ailments. It is as good as physic for those whose stomaches are disordered by too sweet an opinion of themselves and contempt for others, or as salicylic acid for tho mentally rheumatic. There are wives who hive become so docile under its influence that they not only dare not e iy their souls are their own, bu:; no longer believe tho fantasy, who never venture to give an opinion on any subject till they havo found out which way tho wind blows, who have had their intellect eliminated by this dampening method. Indeed, the wet blanket is largely used in the domestic circle, and one can usually count among one's friends a few who keep it constantly on hand, and do not scruple to use in in order to subdue high spirits, contented minds, and lofty aspirations ; like the cold compress, it is a sure me ans of reducing the temper aturo and bringing the fever of high emprise clown to the normal pulse of commonplace repose. However medical this treatment may prove, we all like to swallow our bitters voluntarily, and not have them thrust upon us like greatness; and to whatever school of medicine wo may belong, we place little confidence in the saving grace of th:? wet blanket for our own personal disorders, however we may insist on its efficacy with regard to others. Harper's Bazar. What Is an In&thurt ? Instinct is usually defined n the faculty of acting in such a way as to produce certain ends, without foresight of the ends, and without previous education in the performance. That instincts, as thus defined, exist on an enormous scale in the animal kingdom needs no proof. They are the function al correlatives of structure. With the presence of a certain organ goes, one may say, almost always a native aptitude for its use. A very com mon way of talking about these admirably definite tendencies to act is by naming abstractly the purpose they subserve, such as self-preservation, or defense, or care for eggn and young and saying the animal has an instinctive fear of death and love of life, or that she has an instincof selfpreservation, or an instinct of maternity and the like. Bat this represents the animal as obeyitig abstractions whkK not once in a million eases, is it possible it can have framed. The strict physiological way of interpreting the facts leads to far clearer res' alts. The actions we call instinctive, all conform to the general reflex type; they are called forth by determinate sensory smali in contact with the animal's body, or at a distance in Ids environment. The cat runs after the mouse,, rons or shows fight before the dog avoids falling from walls a ad trees, shuns fire and water, etc., net because ho has any notion eitheir of life or of deatii, or of eelfj or of preservationHe has probably attained to no one of these conceptions in such a way as to react definitely upon it. Ho acts in each caso separately, and simply "because he cannot help it ; oeing so framed that when that particular running thing called a mouse appears in bin field of vision he must pursue; that when that particular barking and b? streperoua thing called a dog- appears there, he must retire, if at a distance, and scratch if close by ; that he musli withdraw his feet from water and his face from flame, eta His nervous system is to a great extent a preorganized bundle of such reactions they are as fatal as sneezing, and as exactly correlated to their special excitants as it is to its own. Although the naturalist may, for liis own convenience, class theso reactions under general heads, be must not forget that in the animal it is a particular sensation or perception or image which caDs them fortk 2Vr. William James, m Scribner's Magazine. "See here, Jones, I want to talk "to yoa a moment," said an Austin philanthropist; "don't you know you are not doing your daty by your children in not sending them to school? That's not She way a fond father should treat his children." "Well, now, I don't know about that,1' replied Jones, "I dont believe you fully re alize w h at yon lire tal k ing about. Now, I have a brother whose oldest soo was sent up for two year& for horse-stealing, and the judge, in sentencing him, said that his :ignorance and laok of early edncatiou were strong mitigating ciircutmtances in tho case ; and instead of making the sentence ten ytiarR, whfch ho would have done had the boy never received any education, ho would m ike it only two. Now, do you suppose I am going to rob my boys olf those mitigating circumstances that have already been such a bonanHix in the family 1 No, sir; beforci I do, I hope my right arm will cleave to tho roof o my mouth Texas, Sifting s.

THE WKSTERN BOOM.

St. Joseph, Mo., HtiU leading All Cora putt tors in RohI Katat Xeal s an d the Aequlsition or Substantial Kntei-prlae, The most noticeable roal estate actitity continues to prevail &t St. Joseph, Mo., says a correspondent of an Eastern pnpoi; Packing houses and other industrial enterprises, among them the Louisiana Tobacco Works, are going hi at a lively rale; one of the chief evidences of tae growtn of the city being the granting of a franchise to a syndicate ot Kansas City capitalists for the construction of an extensive system of cable lines, to be commenced at once., and to coet $300,000. The best evidence, however, jin the showing of actual transition clottod in one week recently: W, A. P. McDonald bought ' lots in Eastern Extension tor $10,500, He sold 54 of them fox $10,700, and sulci balance at an advance of $2G per loot in cost. Sam Nave and. J.. 8. Bntton bought a lot in Path's addition for $2,000 and sold for 3,i)0 In four days. W. H. Constable bought; lot 2, Hock .54, St Joseph Extension, fcr $300, and f old for $550. J. S, lUw-kwilder, of Chicago, bought eighty feet, southeast comer of Third and Sykanie, lor $14,000, and hi been offered neatly double that for it arid refused it. J. M. Hill paid $7f0IM) for northeast corner of Second end Francis, and has since refused $18,000. C. IV. Brown bought tea lots on St. Joseph avenue for $1, and nold in six days for $3,000. 'John Kevly laght tvro lots in Eastern Extension; he paid $600; in thirty days he soli for $y0l); it lias since been resold for $1,200. J. F, Tyler bought a lot in Eastern Extension for $125 and sold to Hubbard tor $500, who ban sic-.ee been offered $700. L. E. Carter bought a lot in January in Kemper's addition lor $700. In three days after he u as offered $1,(0, and since ihta $2,000. He bought four lots in liobidoux addition for $4,000; sold for $6,000, and his pu rchaser sold for $8,14)0. Mrs. N, M. Bre wster bought three lots for $s0 and sold for $1,1,VJ in three days, and jx four days they were resold for $1,400. D. G. Gr.sn-old bought six loin in Ee St. Joseph for $200 and sold the next day for $750; also duve others for $200 and res Did in three weeks for $1,00(1. One of the publishers of Hoye's .Directory, speaking of the Western eitie and the prevailing boom, writes as follows of SU Joseph, where he has just fc&ued the Directory for 1887: "Not only has St Joseph increased in population at a most satisfactory rate there being an increase in one) year of 5,846, while the ;:otal jopulation in round numbers is shown to bo b0,000, but slie has undergone a spirited revival tost augurs the ouisirippin of dl competition Ten years ago the city had sc tteely a doaen manufactories, whereas the year '87 tiuds her with some 170 of all kindsr with thirteen railroads, the largest f tockjards west of Chicago, some thirteen miles of streets paved with aspha'Cum, end a many mile more under contrast, wit a the electric motor soon to be in opemtion on two of the car lines, and the cable line an sstmred faet, and new enterprises springing up daily on every hand. The demand for tgh estate haj been steady and ictive. For the past year St. Joseph has led almost continually tu other cities of tiie United States in hemic clearances, the pr cent, of increase over 188B reaching in one case 143.7, and up to date maintaining na average of almost 100. Down to Dee, 331, 1886, St. Joseph's jobbing houses dicta, business of $110,539, 000, showing an increase in ttie business of 1886 over that of 1865 of &i&,111.028. A fair indication of the increasing business may be sought in the fact that St. Joseph now employs a force of cotiHoerci&l trar filers numbering 1,013 men. St. Joseph, more than any other West era town, offers the best inducements to men of small capital to commence a man ufactuhng busine?, and to laocbanice and laborers to find em ployment and boUd da suable homes.

The Science of N so The nose, wo all know, forms prominent feature in everybody's car reer, but it has been left to M Sophu ScLack, a Danish disciple of Lavatev, to find out that it. is an infallible index to human character, ho tells as in book just published that his discovery is the result of a long and patient study of this facial organ among people of all nations. According to Lift experience, the moral and : hjeical nature of a person can be gathered from the formation of his nose, A vrell-de-veloped noee, he nays, denotes, strengtk and courage; a little turn-up nose in-

'dicates cunning and artfulness; ft deli-

cate, straight nose, taste and refinement; a ecjved nose, judgment and egotism!, and a thick, misshapen nose, dullness and want of tact. Bui this ia not all. "The nose," proceeds our physiognomist, "discloses to the intelligent oboerrer the faculties possessed by the owner. It also indicates frhe intensity of his intellectual acttrity and the delicacy of his moral sentiments. Finally the nose, which belongs both to the mobile and immobile parts of our visage, reflects iafthMly the fugitive movements of our inclinations. If oil this be true, it is evident that people who desire to ditifpise their char ucter or dissemble th ir passions musk in future beware of their noses, or rather, thev mut woar; falo ones. Pall Mall Gazette.

Merely a CoineideBce. "I ,m sure," remarked Mrs. Fir frock who keeps roomers and Njarders, "'that you will like the place voiy much, Mr. Adams. My boaniiors are id ways cheerful and happy. The scenery H so very cheer ing. Eeally, the outlook is iaspirinje" I have no doulwt your house is a very pleaiant home. As I am looking for such a place, 1 will come out and see it. Please direct me to it. n "It is very easily fow&ri. Take tha gireen line to V str;et, and change on the white line, which, you leave at J street Then walk seven blocks down Q street tad

I you are there Ju&t before you get to the ! ; . :vi . . hit- v yi : v

nome you wiu eve xxt. s sign itt the undertaker. Then just on the other aide of the marble yard is uhe office of Dr. Dwiggins. It's right thctro. You eaat mis'j it." . "Is these a cemetery near by?" 44 No, sir. What k you maan?" Oh, I just thought it would make such a happy combination of al! the professions necessary for the proper disposition of your boarders after you werj throagh with them. Too Suggestive. A horse made a dmt in tho basement of Mr. So!tmans troctsers, and in eonse quence he was condned to his home for several days. On convalescing he entered the parlor and found it ornamented with several gilded hois 9 shoeet and embroi&v ered "good h ck" tidies. "What are thoee things for?" he aaktd of his wite. "Far ornament, o? course, afc replied "I don't likt them," he letor&ed, as a placed his hand beueath his ootails. K Why?" "Ihey are taisngestivtN"