Bloomington Telephone, Volume 7, Number 46, Bloomington, Monroe County, 29 March 1884 — Page 6

TSJB XOSBBITDW Twaa acroltoabqdsbeBSVftM A w parted at the door, lb tba flush of early sunset, Ab, tfce perfect chfttm it fcorst 80 1 laid my Hps upon it With a teadanteas uatoH, For the winters breath bad touched It Aad its leave were stiff and cold. In a ohryntal me 1 placed it. Filled with water ra tbe brim. With its dainty head there pillowed, Beeping oat abava the rim. Warm and rich its gentle color Mellowed into fairest gold, And a wealth of leaves 90 tendor: Would those tender leaves unfold?

Through my window streamed the moonlight,

Glowing with a sHyery hue:

Klad ao lovingly my rosebud.

tttoeptngonita bedof

Kissed and lingered in my chamber With its flood of light divine. From the very heart of heaven Bringing happiness to minew Then there rose a lovely vision Robed in colors dazzling bright: Game a troop of fairr flowers Drifting through the mellow light Glistening, In their heavenly beauty. Iilka a thousand jewols rare, Fasmoned into fairy flowers Drifting through the moonlight thereFlowers of perfect grace and beauty, Heavenly messengers of love.

Murmuring in an unknown las guage.

mem above

0 the sweetness of their votsss f Rippling low, yet pure and cmtr, Iilka soft mnsie in the dtstanee Falling om the Batoning ear . One by one they kissed my tnoebejg With a tender gendeness; Aptf its tiny leaves unfolded With eaclfloTina, food oareauu Till in radiant, glorieus beauty, Biting from its sweet repose. With the fairy flowers it nungled. And became a fairy roue Then the mnrmerrag ceased, andetowry Through the mallow silvery light The heavenly vision drifted Drifted oat into the nigh see e 1 awoke twas early morning, Anxiously 1 raised my head. And my eyes fell on the rosebud: It was withered, cold, aad-deed!

Duel in the Dark.

Famous JUiafekt letting em the Field

ef Heaer. Night combats hare been frequent in Europe, and also in the United States. In 1821, in London, Engktnd, a barrister, named Christie, and the editor of the London Magazine, Mr. Scott, fought a duel, so-called, at Chalk farm, tod the latter was killed. The original trouble occurred between Mr Soott aad Mr. Lcckhart, the k.tter name gentleman at the time editor of Blackwood's Magazine; and, it seems, Scott, who had been challenged by Lockhart, and who had declined to accept, was called upon by Christie, and the two quarreled, and subsequently agreed to meet the same evening to adjust their difficulties according to the "code of honor." The fight took place at 10 o'clock during the full of the moon, and Scott fell mortally wounded at the first fire. Christie was arrested and charged with willful murder by a corner's jury, but at the trial a short time afterward he was acquit tedIn 1721, Capk Chickley and Lieut Stanley, while disputing in a mess-room in a town near Dublin (Ireland), agreed to fight with small swords in a dark room the following evening. Stanley was an adroit swordsman, but was run wfewuga the body by his ua tetania in a few minutes after the commencement of the right. Maj. Campbell and Capt Boyd, officers of the 21st foot (British army) "engirt a duel, without fieoonds, in the parlor of an Irish inn at Newry, a short tone before midnight, in January, 1807. During the dispute Campbell challenged his brother officer to fight at once, bat Boyd preferred that the meeting should take place next day. Campbell then taunted his comrade, and insinuated that he was displaying the white feather. The result was that they left the garrison where they were quartered, unaccompanied by friends, and fought as stated' Copt. Boyd receiving a mortal wound, from which he died in a day or two. Campbell was convicted of ' murder on the 13th of August following, and executed on October, 2. His wife, who belonged to a family of high standing, made a desperate effort to secure royal clemency, but, as is known, without success. Boyd's last words were: "Campbell, yon are a bad man; you hurried me in a most wanton way, and have mortally wounded me in a fight of your own making and not according to established rules. I wanted to wait and have the matter put in to the hands of friends, and yon would not let me." This terrible arraignment by the dying man was as effective as the death-warrant itself, ad carried conviction before indictment. In a letter which Campbell left for publication he said: "I suffer a violent and ignominious death for the benefit of my countrymen, who, by my unhappy exit, shall learn to abhor the too prevalent and too fashionable crime of dueling." The writer once met a gentleman who was present at the execution of Campbell, who said he (Campbell) was one of the handsomest and bravest oflicers of the 21st, British foot. While of an excitable uaturo when angered, it is said of him that he was generally far more amiable and much less disagreeable than Boyd, although they had long been on terms of mutal dislike of each other The night before the execution Mrs. Camp

bell had managed to perfect methods

of escape, as it was pretty generally un

derstood that, although no royal mercy

could be extended, no particular means of vigilance had been adopted. His

noble wife, who had planned the escape,

reminded him of his heroic conduct in Frrrt. of his family name, and of the

unheeded recommendation of mercy bv

th Ynrv which nronounced the

fatal words. But he only replied:

"ThA greatest straff ffie ox ail is

to leave von, my darling; but I am still

a soldier, and shall meet my fate like a

man9 And he refused to further

dishonor himself, although the raard was' asleeo, the doors of

the iail were unlocked, and horses

aad confederates were close at

hand. He passed the following morn fog m praveff and at the proper time smnded thfr stairs of the execution

mma with a firm step and without es-

aorL Thaw stood before him 19A0O

sympathizing men with heads uncov

ered, and among them the fusileers, with whom he had intrepidly charged

the enemy upon the burning sands of

Egypt. The hum of a single bee might

have been heard in that respectful

crowd, as Campbell addressed it "Pray

forme, was all the poor soldier said; and, while the diapason of an impres

sive "amen" went up unbroken by a

single other vociferation, or even whisper, the unfortunate man let fall his

own cambric handkerchief as a signal

that he "was ready," and simultaneously

he dropped through the dreadful trap.

and went off on that uncertain pilgrim

age to the legendary beyond.

The notorious Due de 'Richelieu, of

France, who fought so many successful

duels, and who seemed to wield a ma

gician's sword, met the Prince de Lixen

whom he had purposely insulted on

account of the hatred entertained for the latter bv Mme. du Bosiere near

the trenches -of Philipsbourg, in 1719, at miuoighfc, during a storm, by the

light of torches held by brother of

ficers. As the story goes, De Lixen,

who was a general in the .French army

(and a very tall man), had had a horse

shot from under him during an engage-

ment : and seeing a pony near, jumped

upon him and rode into the presence of

De Richelieu (who was also a gen

eral at that time), who burst into a loud laugh and exclaim

ed : JSo wonder we lost the

day when we have mountebanks for

generals. Behold the horsemanship of

the great Prince de Lixen, who keeps

his feet close to the ground for fear of

falling from the saddle," The Prince

heard De Richelieu's voice and laugh,

and too well know what it meant, and

the source of its inspiration. "Ill in

sult the villain in no uncertain way up

on the first opportunity" murmured De

Lixen. The next day Richelieu, whose command had been the last to retreat

from Philipsbourg, came into the pres

ence of Prince de Conti, the commanding officer, with disheveled hair, powder-stained face and deranged toilet. Hsi rival took this occasion te carry out

his quiet threat of the day preceding, and said sarcastically: "It is a matter

of much surprise that the Due de Richelieu should come into the presence of

gentlemen with the air and dress of a

masquerader. "1 did not ret reat so hurriedly from the field as some of those

officers who appear here in toilets more elaboratelv prepared, your highness,"

and then, turning to De Lixen, he con

tinned : "I shall now go and purify my

self, Prince, and in an hour you shall hear from me." And so he did, in the

shape of 9. challenge, which was accepted; after which arrangements were

made and agreed upon that the two gentlemen should meet each other in the trenches at midnight. They met and crossed swords at exactly 12, and

fn ten minutes the magical weapon of De Richelieu had flashed through the heart of ' his twentieth vic

tim, and the survivor, stooping over the dead prince, said: "Let us carefully

bear his noble body with all honor to

camp. It is the fortune of war, gentlemen, and may be our turn next" In a short time afterward De Richelieu went to Paris to acquaint his inamorata with the intelligence that he had removed

one of her troubles from the world forever. But what was his astonishment to discover that the frail and faithless Mme. du Bosiere had fled with an English nobleman to London. Quiensobe? Some years ago Maj. Ben. Perley Poore, then Washington correspondent of the Boston Journal, sent that paper the following account of a midnight duel upon an island in the Savannah Biver: Among the many bloody duels on record as haying been fought by Congressmen was one in which James Jackson, of Georgia, who had been and who was afterward a United States Senator, was the challenged party. He was an Englishman by birth, but he went to

Savannah when a lad, studied law, was

a leading Freemason, and fought gal

lantly in the Revolutionary war. He

killed Lieut Gov. Wells, of Georgia, in 1870 in a duel, and was engaged in several other "affairs of honor, until he

finally determined to accept a challenge on such term as would make it his last

duel. So, upon his next challenge, which was from CoL B. Watkins, also of

Georgia, he prescribed as the terms that

each party,armed with a double-ba rreled gun loaded with buckshot, and with a

hunting-knife, should row inmselt in a skiff to designated points on opposite sides of the Savannah river. When the city clock struck 12 each should row his skiff to a small island in the middle of river, which was wooded and covered

with underbrush. On arriving at the

island each was to moor his skiff, stand

by it for ten minutes, and then go t . . m . . . a ! j. t - i A. (

about tne isiana unai xne meouug wo place. The seconds waited on the main land until 1 o'clock, when they heard three shots and loud and ar.gry cries.

Then all was still. At daylight, as had

been agreed upon, the seconds went to

the inland and found Jackson lying on tho ground, insensible from the loss of

blood, ana nis antagonist lying across him dead. Jackson recovered but would never relate his experience on that night, nor was he ever challenged

again, ne uieu aa vy tvaumgtuu while serving his second term as United

States Senator, March 19. lbTtt.

In 1728 a voang gentleman named

Benjamin Woodbridge was killed in a duel with swords, late one night, on

Boston Common, by Harry Phillips,after a short combat. Phillip, who was

not hurt, made his escape from $h'e city next day, and later turned up in

France, wnere neaieu in nay.

Eriflrene Bonnemerc, mxhis "Histoiro

des Pansans," tells tl story of how a

peasant by the narotf of Lebre, who lived in the south of France, got more

than even with a sergeant of the royal

gnard which was quartered near Lebre s

cabin. It was toward me ena 01 we seventeenth century, and the sergeant, presuming upon his gallantry and manly beauty, and knowing the proverbial weakness of some women for even non-commissioned officers of his professionook occasion to pay marked attention to Lebre's young and pretty wife; which, while being strictly agreeable to dainty Mrs. L , was highly unsatisfactory to the incensed husband, who, at last, gave Mr. Sergt Duprez a piece of proper advice, and was promptly knocked down for his pains. Lebre

at once challenged his antagonist, who; declined to recognize a common peas-i ant as his equal, and, shutting Lebrei out of his own cottage, took immediate possession of it and its pretty matron.! In a day or two the Sergeant quit the) place for good, and Lebre returned,1 sold all his effects, packed the erring madame of to her father's, enlisted in; the army, and was seen no more in that neighborhood for upward of eight years. He fought through two campaigns bravely, but without a scratch, and by gradual promotion reached the rank ofj Sergeant. ' Aha! cried Lebre, joyfully, at the end of six years' service,. "Sergt. Duprez, Sergt. Lebre is your, equal ! I shall seek you out, you villain, and punish you for the wrongs which I suffered at your hands six years ago."! Lebre was two years in finding his man. And when he did find him they were at the point of sitting down at the same dinner table, with a dozen other officers of about uniform rank. As soon as the repast

was over Lebre arose, and, addressing Duprez, inquired: "Suppose, sir, a man should give vou a blow, what

would you do?" "I would return it and

challenge him to fight," responded Duprez. "Take that, then!" exclaimed

Lebre, dealing his old enemy a tremen

dous blow, which staggered him considerably; and then, addressing himself to his other comrades, he recapitulated the story of how Duprez had knocked him down for defending his wife, and thereafter refused to fight him on the ground that he was r ot Duprez's equal. "Now, Seigt. Duprez," ejaculated that

fellow's assailant, turning around and

facing his enemy, "yon and I are equal.

I have returned the blow you gave me eight years ago, and now challenge you to fight for your life." Arid as quick as

lightning the two sergents drew their

weapons, and Duprez was killed in

three minutes, the duel taking place by

candlelight.

In 1719, in London, England, Capt

William Aldworth, of the army, and

Otfen Buckingham, Member of Parlia

ment, met, and dined, and quarreled; and fought, all in one evening. It was so dark that they could not see each

other, and they were ao thoroughly 'well intoxicated that it did not make much

difference whether they did or did not see each other: But. all the same, there

was one less Member of Parliament the following morning, for Buckingham, was found by some friends shortly alter the fight, pierced to the heart with his antagonist's rapier, and Aldworth near by, very drunk and covered with

wounds.

University Place, New York (N. Y.),

was the scene of a fatal duel, one cold, snowy night in the winter of 1804, the parties to the combat being William

Coleman, editor of the New xork

Evening Post (an organ of the. Federalists), and Capt. Thomas, Harbor Master of the port of New

York. Thomas who had made

quite an effort to provoke Coleman, re

marked freely that he had no fight in him, and that if slapped weU on one

side of his face he would only be too

happy to present the other side for

similar treatment. Coleman, after making sure that Thompson had used the language attributed to him., challenged the offender, designated pistols as weapons, and named 11 o'clock as

the time of meeting, and at or near,

University Place the scene of battle.

Each party had surgeons and seconds,

and agreed, as it was snowing at the time, to fireat twelve yards. Both fired the third time, when Thompson was

heard to exclaim: "My God! I have

got it!" and, reeling sideways, fell mor

tally wounded into the snow, and died a short time after having been conveyed to his residence The dying man made a statement in the presence of a num

ber of friends to the effect that the duel and his death were the conse

quence of his own quarrelsome charac

ter and rashness, and his .last words

were forgiveness to Coleman, whom he

believod had no intent to kilL Alia

California.

The Pleasure of Kindness. Ned was a poor little newsboy. One

day he laid out all but twopence of his

little capital in a small stock ot news

papers. But he had nardly lett tne office before a drenching shower fell.

He hurried to the shelter of a friendly awning, and waited until it became clear again. But the rain and damp had almost spoiled his papers, and the. little fellow trudged off looking as downcast as a broken merchant. He had not spirit enough left even to try to sell his damaged stock of papers. After walking awhile in silence he paused near to a poor old blind woman, who was seated on a door-step holding out her wrinkled palm. Ned stood gazing at her with his hands in the pocket of his ragged coat, his papers under his arm, and looking very sad, for the blind woman's mute hand had touched his heart. Three times his fingers "'clutched one of the remaining pennies and three times the thought of his half-spoiled papers caused him to drop it again to the bottom of his capacious pocket. At last his heart won the victory. Out came the penny, and with earnest good will he dropped it in the blind woman's palm. Then Ned's eye brightened. He turned away with a light step, and his voice echoed loudly along the street an he cried: "Newspapers! This day's papers !" The fact is, that gift of half his re

maining fortune to the poor old blind woman had wanned his sad heart and cheered his fallen spirits, as generous deeds always do. If Ned was a penny poorer he was a great deal happier than before he divided bis little all with that blind sister of poverty. Lincoln's Laconic Beply. The following anecdote of President Lincoln is related by General Badeau: "Sheridan started before daybreak in pursuit of what was left of Lee's army. He sent word to Grant : 'If the thing is pressed, I think that Lee Mill surrender.' Grant forwarded the dispatch and an account of the victory to Lincoln, at

City Point, and the President replied: 'Let the thing be pressed.9 " Three negroes were frozen to death during a recent cold spell in Natchitoches County, Louisiana,

THE DOG D0CT0K.

an Hour With Him While He Describe Hl

Customers and His Practice.

forming a group in a dingy room were a bald-headed man, wearing horn

spectacles, with a fringe of whiskers iround his face, a snarling, shaggyhaired dog, and an elegantly dressed

woman, who looked as if she might cry.

On shelv es and tables were stuffed dogs, birds and queer-looking animals. On a bench at the man's side were half a dozen pairs of forceps and a lot of den-

tai instruments.

"Please, please, don't hurt Dot any more than you can help," the lady plead

ed, tearfully.

"Not for a moment, mum," the old

man said, j he pressed the dog's body

between his knees and violently yanked

ppon his meuth. 'Til be as gentle as

He picked up one of the forceps and pulled out one of Dot's teeth, scraped

the other teeth with an instrument that

looked like a nut-pick, and lanced the

grums. As soon as Dot reached the floor

he took a firm seat on his haunches,

braced his feet, raised his head, and

howled dismally. The lady picked him

up in her arms and shed tears of sym pafchy.

"He'll be all right now, mum," the dog

doctor said, as he pocketed a crisp $10

note, and opened the door foor the lady to pass out. "His teeth's in good order now, and he won't suffer with his gums." "I often pull out dogs' teeth," he explained to the reporter, who had been watching the treatment of Dot, "and more often I scrape and clean 'em up. I do more of it nowadays than I did thirty years ago, when I first bctgandog doctoring. It's more fashionable for ladies to keep dogs than it used to be. Dogs ifi like children some I mean the little Hap dogs. They eat too much sweets and their teeth get bad, and when their teeth is bad, why they've got to be fixed, so what does 1 do a few years ago but prints on my cards 'Dog Doctoring It has brought me in lots of customers. You ought to see the

carnages that the ladies often comes in.

and they wear diamonds that almost

blind m- Y7 money much so long as their dogs is fixed all right. And then they watches me like a cat watches a mouse while I'm

at work en the dog's mouth, and if I

ain't as gentle as a kitten, why tbey goes for me like a whirlwind."

"Do you ever flu dog's teetn r "I never did that, although a lady

once wanted me to fill a pet dog's teeth

with gold. I told her that I couldn't

do it, and, although she was a regular

customer, she went right away and never came near the shop anjp more."

"What dogs are generally brought to

you for treatment?"

"Jrugs, spaniels, ana ocotcu ana dkjo terriers. Black and tans used to be well thought of once, but nowadays ladies don't seem to care for them much.

According to my notions, the best pet

dog of all is a ci'oss between an Italian greyhound and black and tan. They

are the best watch dogs, too. I hat reminds me of something which happened when I first began dog doctoring. Somebody brought me a dog of that breed to treat. I concluded that it

needed a dose of medicine, and tried to force some down its throat. It was no go. The dog bit me half a dozen times,

and upset seven doses of meaioine. 1

prepared another dose, sat it down on the floor, and sat down to get wind for another attempt. Ju jt think how sur

prised I was when the dog walks up to where I left the medicine and licks it up as if it was fond of it."

"Do you set dogs broken bones? "Often, I've done lots of queer things with animals. Once I put a glass eye

in a aog.

"How did you happen to do that?" "A lady customer had a dog and a cat which didn't agree very well, and one day, while she was out, they fought, and the dog lost an eye. 'Did you ever put a glass eye in a dog?' says she to me one day. 'No, mum,' says I; 'and I never heard tell of such a thing.' 'Can't it be done?' says she. 'Almost anything can be done says I. 'Well, then,9 says she. M want you to have a glass eye made for Henry.' Henry was the name of her dog. So I had to take the dog to a man who made glass eyes ftr one, and when it was finished I took it to the lady's house and put it in." "What happened then?" "Why, Henry wouldn't have it at all. He scratched it out with his paw. We tried to make him wear it, but it was po use. Henry was a positive dog." Hew York Suru Sights in Hong Kong. One of the first things I noticed upon landing ill Hong Kong was the dissipation which is always going on. At first I thought some celebration must be in progress, but upon making inquiries I was assured that this was not the case. "It is always so," said the American citizen. "Every day a certain number of sailors are allowed to come on shore, and they avail ' themselves fully of this privilege. As there are some two thousand of these sailors at present on board the men-of-war in Hong Kong harbor, this city is quite lively most of the time. It is the men aboard these war-ships who get the wildost, for the enforced idleness of their life breeds recklessness when once they get ashore. These sailors are beardless young fellows for the most part, and though they have a swaggering and tyrannical mien, I should not think that they would impress the Chinese as very formidable. Walking about the streets in company with a citizen, I saw literally hundreds of these sailors crowding the saloons so thick that you could not see the counter. Outside of the saloon the street would be packet! with riokishas, for a sailor gravitates toward a rickisha the first thing upon ooming ashore. He does not have to gravitate far, for the Chinese runners almost attempt the perilous feat of walking on the water in their eagerness to meet the sailors half way. Soon after landing the sailors gravitate toward a saloon, and, numbers breeding reckless jollity, it is not long before thy cease to be free moral agents. Then they curse and boat their rickisha men, and ride about with scarce any cognizance of wluther they ore being carried. As I have already intimat

ed., I am implacably opposed to the Chinese; yet my indignation was kindled in their behalf at first when I witnessed the brutality with which they arc treated by these sailors. But my commiseration was all dissipated when my friend said : "Don't pity them. John Chinaman is under now, but he vill be on top pretty soon. Wait till the sailors get stupidly drunk, and they will be ignominiously dumped out by the wayside, while these long-suffering 'heathen Chinese will proceed complacently to go through their pockets Don't mis-! place your pity." "Don't the English make any effort;

to cheek this evil?" "O no, it is so common that they don't oare to interfere. Once in a while when a men gets to smashing things too generally and endangering people's lives, he will be locked up until he gets sober. But so long as they only injure themselves, no matter if they do break the peace, nothing is done about it." Busshm Proverbs. Good friendship is beetter than wealth. Seven men do not wait for one to dine. He who has pie has friends. By hone&t labor one cannot get rich. He who chews slowly works slowly. The Moscow pies burn like fire. The soul knows its measure. Live plainly, and you shall live a

hundred years.

Envious eyes know no shame. An uninvited guest is worse than a

Tartar.

Even a fly likes to fill its stomach. A house is good not by its walls, but

by its pies.

Don t take too much, or you will tear

your pockets.

It is better to live on bread and waiter

than to live wih an angry wife.

Don't open your mouth at the sight

of somebody else's pie.

A hundred friends are better than a

hundred roubles.

Don't live as you like, but as 0 od

orders.

Who does not drink to the bottom

tiaie clofToB', friendship is gdne.

A dry spoon scratches the mouth.

A fall man does not understand ft hungry one. There is paradise where there is pl enty of bread. Every cook has her own ways. . The more honor, the more expense. I obey him w hose bread I eak A glass of wine adds mind. God guards him who takes care of himself. ' A man beats his wife a day and cries a year. Believe your own eyes rather than rumors. Every body is the smith of his own luck. In a calm pool devils live. Where there is love there is God. An untried friend is like an uncracked nut. Honey is on his tongue and ice under it. A present is cheap, but love is dear. Don't blame the looking glass if your face is ugly. One cpu not hide a bradawl in a bag. Velvety, but with a string. There is no family without a deformed member. Your elbow is near, but you cannot bite it. Every fox takes care of its tail. When money speaks the truth keeps silent. Trust in God, but mind your business. Don't spit in the well; you may yet drink from it. Truth is straight, but Judges are crooked. Swine's eyes fear not dirt. You can not take two hides from one ox. Who tries his luck loses his money. Don't ask a priest for change or a tailor for remnants. An attentive fool is more dangerous than a foe. A horse has four Irgs, and yet he stumbles sometimes. Where there is a neck there will be a yoke. The apple does not roll far frcm the apple tree. One never tires working for himself Fear nobody but God. "Play Katie Darling." Grim as war is, it has its jokes which are no less amusing than those of peace. The authors of ".Blue and Gray" tell a humorous story of Private C, who, though a brave soldier of the Seventh Virginia Cavalry, would not face the fire of his comrades' badinage. He was detailed by the regimental surgeon to carry on the march the doctor's medicine chest, a box eighteen inches long, ten inches in width and two-thirds of a foot deep, made of mahogany and covered with stout leather. While the regiment was passing through a Virginia village, a little negre

spied the man with the chest. "Mister. O mister!" he shouted,

"please play Katie Darling on yer organ," Shouts of laughter followed the negro's request, and as soon as the regiment halted C, asked to be relieved of a duty that impressed negroes with the idea that he was an organ grinder. A Great Dodge. Jones I see that the government is educating 10,000 Indian children at its own expense. Smith Yes; great dodge, isn't it? Jones -Great dodge! How so? gmith Why, you see, the coppercolored youngsters are put through the same kind of a cramming proce&s that white children are subjected to, and even if they live to grow up they won't have strength enough left to go on a warpath. Philadelphia Call The soldiers of the salvation army sing the device; "If you cannot get in at the golden gate, climb over the garden wall." This looks like beating the devil around the stump. Apart from the awkwardness of the undertaking the salvation lassies had better look out that St. Pefer does not pepper them with bird shot.

PITH A! POINT. BAXLOT-GinLa : Female voters. t A clkab case of girl : E. Lucy Date, A tip-top max the one who lifts hit hat. ! "We haven't forefathers in this family," said a Utah urchin, "but w4ve more'n four mothers.1 , "Better be a-eatin' dem aigs," said a negro lecturer, " 'stead o' flinging 'm at me. I doan want 'em, I'se got plenty at home, I h&sS'Arkanb itv Traveler. t Among the Dunkards men kiss men and the kissing of women is done only

among themselves. "Very few converts are made by the Dunkards soberly remarks an exchange, "A perfect marriage is a sublime symphony," remarks some old bachelor, who doesn't know the difference between the rock of a cradle and the movement of a broomstiek. "Hello, Leathertop, you look as if you were in the bottomless pit of hopeless despair, are you in love?" "wo, but almost as bad, next door to it. I'm in a cheap boarding houses Carl PretteVs Weekly. 1 Oh, horror! it is reported that an English nobleman is about to take steps to get a divorce from his American wife. After all the trouble that the dear creatures have been te aecuro titled spouses, it is really too bad if they are going to lose them through tho vulgar instrumentality of the difttrco

court. Little Fbank "I saw a rabbit at the store to-day. But it could not bite met Mamma "Was it lying still with its eyes shut?" Little Frank "It was still, but its eyes were open. It coidl not see, though. Mamma "Then it was dead, of course. Little Frank "I guess so. It looked just as if it was having its photograph taken. Piitodelhia CalL "You are growing so stoop shouldered' said Deacon Dewgood te Farmer Furrow, "that you ought to walk with your hands behind you." The granger looked at him a moment, and then said, for fellers Hs'e'yWWtrir fchr t gwkfcrfin' to do but walk up and down a church aisle; but wouldn't I look pretty sryin to work a plough that way r "I was to be married, vou know," said Blooms to his friend Clark, Mbut I guess it's off, vou know, for g-gtwxL" ''How is that?" asked Clark. "This way," replied Blooms. "She s-aid. she'd marry me, you know, when all impediments were r-removed." "Yes." "Well, I asked her last night if they were not all aw r-removed, you know,, and 0-she said no' I s-still s-stutter r Two old colored women were bap tized in the James Biver, One subputted quietly, while the other came up put of the water all excitement, shouting: "I saw Gabrl! I saw Gal'!, right in the bottom ob the ribber! Press my heart for that vishun of glory uHush your mouf, Dilsey, said thole excitable one, "dat was nuffln but a big terrapin, I done seed dat myself.1 The Judge. I understand that your father, fa dead. Mike," said an Arkansaw gentleman to an Irish friend. "Yes, aor, the old gintleman has left us. A foine man, yer honor. He could stand up with the best of them. "I haven't seen the old man since he moved away from hftte; some three years ago. Where was he living when he died ?w "He wasn't Mvin' anywhere when he died, eer. He was dead thin. "How much do you charge for the pants, anyway f asked the rural customer. :Dot makes some differonoe off you vants dem vor Suntay or efery tey," replied the vender, studying his subject carefully. "If you vants a sheap bair vor efery tay, dot bair vill petwo tollar. but if you vante: dem bants vor liuntay, dey vill be fife tollar und a hells t gubbose you dakes um vor Sun tay, undven dey vos a little vorn, you vears dem vor efery tay. By dot you safe two tollar on a fife tollar bair of bants l" Against which argument the countryman had nothing to offer, and transact on was dosed. A lecturer is announced with a lecture entitled "American Hell." Why a man should spend his time talking 011 a subject of this kind is a thing no one can account fJr, unless it is for the half a dollar a head his audience pays to hear him talk. The "American BelT is found in a bottle and every man who investigates the contents of that bottle is sure to have more or less hellish experience. There is no need efa lecture on this subject. If the man who is going abeut has had the "jiin-jms he is entitled to pity but not entitled to make a man pay to hear him tell about it Peek's Sun.

Destroying Cannibalism "Fifty years ago," said Earl Cairn, at a meeting of the Church Missionary Society, "if a man had been tthipwreoked on some of the islands of the Pacific he would have been killed, cooked, and eaten; whereas, Um man were shipwrecked there now, ha would receive Christian hospitality. Miss Gordon Cumming, who is not a mis sionary, and who did not write for the purpuse of crying up mission., declared that, while in 1836 the people f Fiji were cannibals, thei are now 400 churches and 1,400 schools there. Lady Brassey writes that anybody who wants to see the last traces of heathenism m Japan had better go soon, aa they are rapidly giving place to Chris tianiiy. . ? He Studied a While. "Hello, Sam! I hear you are ui love; have you asked the old man for Ids daughter? "Yes," "What did he say? "He said he must study on it a while. "What did you do then r "Why, it gave me a chance to study a while. "Well, has he reported favovnbly f "Yes he told me I oouldut fcivre her.w Newman Independent Mns. Ja.me8, of Brockton, Hssaachusetts, now 39, was married when she was 15. and has had twenty-seven uhildrea.