Bloomington Telephone, Volume 7, Number 45, Bloomington, Monroe County, 22 March 1884 — Page 6

THK DOCTOR.

Tt is the doctor; mark bis easy grace, The Icmdly smile that Uahts a thon&ht'iil face, OiineiTitly beading over the well-watcfeed bed, where the poor sufferer rests M weary head; Drawtnr the enrfcaln jnst a fittte wider. Bo jrently that it scarce disturbs the spider. "Ind how are we this raorntoff? bat so, so. U nite was not built in a day, von know; Sou slept, you say, hot poorly through the niffht. But better toward morning that's all right: 3 he xnovemement ot the poise is somewhat quick, I.ut thar one atst eipect when one is sick. I lay let me ace your tongue. There that will da YouTI be a new man in a day or two; The weather is against yon, damp and raw 1he like of it I think 1 nev r saw; 1 od want a tittle rest and change of diet; -Cftood nursing abore all. and rerfect qntet ; ITe. on the wholv best keep your bed to-day, And dont let business trouble you. by the way. Tour lirer's somewhat torpid, nothing more ; )ood morning; rake yonr mixture as before. 73?nce to the parlor, writes a recipe, .and. bowing blandly, takes his tear and fee. Washington Str.

St. Johu's Wife, It was in olden times, before croqnet or lawn parties were in vogue "When the good wife wanted a few friends to meet at her ample board, for a social chat, a quilt there was always one on hand was stretched upon the frames, the larder stored with good things, and invitations were sent far and near for the ladies to meet in the afternoon, with gentlemen and tea in the evening. Behold, then, a goodly number gathered in the front room of Farmer Goodwin's house, matrons and maids; but the latter were expected to do little work, and they gathered in groups on the piazza or strolled through the yard. Neighbors affairs were talked over, weather and housekeeping fully discussed, and occasionally a choice bit of news of a more interesting character made known On this particular occasion it consisted in the fact that St. John was going to marry. Some glanced up in surprise, but matter-of-fact, Mrs. R exclaimed, "How do you know?9 Fve heard that story so often as to lose all faith in the report" "Oh, it's a fact this time, for Miss Jay told me herself that Abigail St. John had engaged her to come and sew for her three weeks. She is to have her black -silk made over, and has one or two new ones. She expects to go South with an invalid friend; but you all know she would never leave her brother unless there was some one coming to take her place." AH concurred that it was a good thing. They did not consider Miss Abigail just the person to make her brother happy. True, she was a good housekeeper, but then she was a considerable of a scold, and SI John was such a mild, pleasant kind-hearted man, how had he ever borne with it? Such a contrast, too, to the first Mrs. St. John. St John was a general favorite always had a pleasant greeting for every one. So the elderly ladies remarked; and as for the younger ones, certainly his handsome face and agreeable manners were attractive. The lady elect was next in order. "Folks say, continued Mrs. S., "its the widow Granger's daughter over at Plnmville. At any rate St John has been seen to stop there quite often of late." "Well, perhaps shell make a good wife. the lady's glance rested for half a minute on her own daughter, who was standing by the window, "but Tve heard she's a prbud, high-spirited body." ! So they chattered on while Miss Abigail in her pleasant sewing-room etitched, all unoonscious of their disparaging remarks, her thoughts going out to the new home in the far South, and her heart rejoicing that her days at the farm were over. Miss Abigail dearly loved her brother, and at his request, five years before, gave up her own home, came and tended the sick wife, and had since kept house for him. She had carefully concealed the skeletontor this house was not exempt irom one. St John was unconscious of it Miss Abigail knew. In her endeavor to make the best of it, she felt she was losing he own peace of mind and serenity of temper. She had found it sad so had the young wife who now slept so quietly in the churchyard. For aa instant the sister's heart went out in Eity to the young girl who was to take er place. Bat it was not for her to give her warning; and Bose Granger, in her cozy village home, dreamed bright dreams of a future strewn with flowers. People might harp on the ills of life; for her part she did not more than half believe them. It was their own fault they brought them on themselves; but she, oh, it would be so different! And the bright air castles rose. Yet die was not without the range ol the gossips' tongues. They were busy at Plnmville, too, and Bose Granger, calm, self possessed young lady though she was, had not failed to note certain looks and mysterious nods, although apparently oblivions to them, and $ratnly she wished, as so many others tfcre done, that people would not interest themselves in her affairs. One pld lady, presuming on her age and long: acquaintance to oiler a little advice, remarked to her some day: ul. wish you much happiness, and you have apparently made a wise choice. Mr. St. John is intelligent, and owns a good property, so you can have every comfort yon wish, Then, too, he's agreeable and kind-hearted. But trouble comes in all lives ; all men have their faults," then misinterpreting the expression on Rose's face, she continued, "but I don't wish to frighten yon, my dear; I've no doubt you can manag j him. "Manago himf exclaimed Bose scornfully- "I loathe the idea. No woman who has any respect for herself would dtoop to such msneuvring." "Very flue talk, my dear; but to let you into a matrimonial secret, most wives have to; they would have a sorry lot if thev didn't" Bote's lip curled, and she deigned no reply. Ties words came to mind tjge next time she met St John; but -1a, glimpse of his handsome face and sparkling eyes dispelled all unpleasant thoughts. That face spoke to her of a perfect manhood; yet a close observer of human nature would have read in that easy nonchalant manner, and beneath that glance, a certain lack of energy. Not that St John was indolent, (quite the reverse. He was always bony and full of plans, but he Jacked the

perseverance necessary to fulfill them. Home other time would do; meanwhile something else was in hand. . Time glided by, and one summer evening Mrs. St. John arrived at her new home. Miss Abigail remain ed with them a few weeks; then, early one Monday morning, her brother carried her to the depot and after their departure Mrs. St John gathered up the clothes preparatory to washing. The cistern pump was broken, and in peering in she discovered that the cistern was empty. She met her husband on his return with : "What am I to do? I've everything ready for washing, end there h not a drop of water in the cistern !B St Sobn smiled at her look of distress, and replied: "And hasn't been for years; the cistern leaks." "Why! what did Abigail do ?" "Usecl well water, I suppoue." His wife made no reply, but, gathering up the clothes, said : "I will wait till we have rain," and carried them back to the closet St John was a little abashed at her manner, and exclaimed, "I'll have it repaired right away I meant to have done so before." So Bose washed dishes and cleaned the floor in well water, and the pile of soiled clothes accumulated in the closet, but no rain came. One day St John came into the sitting-room, where his wife sat reading. "Where have you put my shirts, wife? There is not one in the drawer." Bose laughed. "You'll find them all in the clothes-basket, I guess, waiting for rain" "But but I've agreed to go to Benton on business, and this will hardly do to wear;" and ho glanced disconsolately at hht soiled linen, "Couldn't you cleanse some water?" he naked, hesitatingly. ' "Abigail used to, I believe." "I never did such a thing in my life," replied his wife. "The lye makes ones hands so sore. Besides, it hurts the clothes ; they never look nice and white. I've heard mother say one or two washings in cleansed water woufd ruin clothes. Then, it's such hard work to wash in it; I don't believe I'm strong enough to do it" and she returued to her bock. St. John was in dismay. Go he must; and he was fastidiouly neat in his personal appearance. Bose finally glanced up at his troubled face. "Go over to our neighbor s, and ask her for a pail of rain water. She will not think it strange that we are out, there has been such a droughth, and I'll do you up a shirt in a short time." "Bless you, wife ! Where's the pail ?" and St John started of 'Til stop at the village on my way to Benton." "How about the mason?" inquired Mrs. St. Jobn, the next morning. "Bless me! I forgot," replied her husband, "IH bo sure to remember it next time." But next day there came a rain, and all the tubs, pounding barrels and pails were put under the eaves, and there was water enough for tbe present; and the trouble having passed, St. John was not the one to remember it. He never looked so far ahead as to ask, "What shall we do next time?" Anew difficulty presented itself to the wife. She went into the pantry, and in lifting down a pan, splash ! dash ! she was drenched with water. "What's the matter?" "The roof leaks a trifle," replied her husband. "I think it is a trifle," murmured Bose, as she examined the ceiling iliore closely, and saw the drops oodng through. "I wondered," she said aloud, "what made this plaster so loose. It will rot the timbers, won't it?" "Of course, but I intend to have the house reshirigled;" "Does any other room leak?" she asked "Yes, the spare cham" but his wife was already half way up the stairs, for the day .before she had spread her light silk upon the bed. "Just it time!" she exclaimed aa she snatched it up. But oh! the white spread with the ugly stain across the foot! "Whatslpllldo?" she asked in dismay. "Ill get a couple of pans," replied her husband, who had followed her np. "That's the way Abigail managed." "I declare," laughed Bose, as the pans were deposited under the leaks, "I shall catch water enough to last the rest of the summer." St John felt more ashamed than he had ever been in his life. "Bose, you are not a bit put out, and how Abigail used to scold! I dreaded rainy weather." "Why don't you get it repaired?" "I did intend to, I will, now." "I don't wonder Abigail scolded," thought the wife, "five years in a leaky house! I won't scold, I don't believe in it ; but" "Let us go down to vhe parlor now, and I will finish that book," remarked St. John. So raints and leaks were forgotten, and husband and wife spent the afternoon cosily while the storm raged outside. St John had to leave home on business? to be gone several days. Bose carried him to the depot, and hastened back. She thought she would hurry with her baking, and then drive over to her mother's and spend the afternoon. The bread was quickly moulded, but on going to the wood box to replenish the fire, she found it empty. Out she went to the wood pile, but not a stick

L was to be found. St John had gone off

in such a nurry ue naa xorgonen it. "What shall I do?" she exclaimed, "The bread cannot be wasted." Searching around she found a rail that looked easy to cut, and procuring a saw, she set to work ; but it was not until half an hour's hard work, that she had enough to finish the baking. "Believe I am too tired to think of going to mother's;" and while she hesitated there came a tap at the door. "I saw your husband go oif this morning," remarked the neighbor who entered. "I suppose you would be lonely, and so thought I'd drop in and spend tiie afternoon." An easy chair was offered, the old lady drew forth her knitting, and the more rapidly she knit, the more talkative she became. She inquired in regard to Abigail, and then spoke ot the years she had spent there. "Jt was so sad about his first wife, you knefw. She was one of the prettiest

little bodies you ever saw, not grand and stately like yourself, but a wee mite, with a baby's face, white and pink. She was very trail. She used to say she wasn't sick, but she grew thinner and weaker, and so sad-looking. If she had not had such a generous, kind-hearted husband, Id a-thought it more a trouble and worry on her nriud than any physical ill. But the ways of Providence are often mysterious, and she died, though I don't believe any doctor oould tell what ailed her, and Mr. St John had the best he could get. They called it general debility. Then Miss Abigail came. She kept a neat, tidy home for her brother, but then her disposition was so different from Mrs. St. John's. We were all heartily glad when you

came.

The young wife kept a pale face bent over her work, and was glad when her visitor rose to go. After her departure, Bose put aside all thoughts of her mother's, and getting her sun bonnet, strolled across the fields till she reached the cemetery; then she searched for tbe St Sohns' lot. A tall marble bore the names of his parents, and beside them was another nameless grave ; high grass grown over all, and a half-drooping rosebush with a few fading blossoms." "Poor little Amy !" Bose dropped bethe grave, but not to weep. The dead was at rest, and for herself, tears would not avail. Six weeks a bride, and her future already overcast. "Mysteries of Providence!" she murmured, and for a moment hard thoughts toward her husband filled her mind. "I see it all a weak, quiet person, she worked, with her inconveniences and annoyances, bore all, and said nothing, and at last her strength gave out. Abigail scolded and failed to mend the matter, and I I must do. I always said all people have their failings, and of course my husband would have his; but I really don't believe it. I felt St, John was perfect; but unless he does differently, my life will be wretched. Mine is not the nature to die,, or scold and fret; but to live on and have things move in this slip shod manner is impossible." "Who is that?" inquired St. John, as they sat at the tea-table the evening of his return. "Oh," replied his wife, "it's only Mr. Beese. I have hired him to atay for a week and cut wood." St, John looked up in surprise. "You left me without any the other morning, and I had to cut for my baking. I am not used to that kind of work," "I know I did, but I never once thought of it until after the cars had started. I did feel troubled to know what vou would do." "And," continued his wife, "I went to the village yesterday, saw the mason, told him the cistern needed repairing, and that you would expect him over as soon as you came back." St. John gave a low whistle. It was something new, this taking liberties with his arrangements. His wife saw his face clouded. "And no doubt you have engaged shingles for the roof." The tone was worse than a blow. For an instant her heart sank, but rallying quickly, she lightly replied. "No, I expect you to do that to-morrow; and mind," she added playfully, yet in a voice of determination, "if you don't I will. I must have a convenient house to work in. You don't want me to scold, or die." "Die!" he exclaimed, "who talks of dying?" "Or what is worse," she continued, unheeding his interruption, "lose my love and esteem for you. Yeu think these things are trifles, maybe, but consider they must go a good way toward making my life comfortable and happy." Later, when the evening struews were gathering, Hose joined hex husband on the piazza. "I was over . the churchyard the other day, and it looked so neglected." "Yes, I know, that's another of the things I've meant to do. Really, Rose, I believe you will think my life has been all 'meant to.1 " "We must get some one to re-sod the lot," she replied, "and I will plant some flowers." There were tears in St. John's eyes, and he murmured, "Poor little Amy!" Bose came close to her husband. "I wish you would tell me about her." He glanced at her an instant, then went on talking of the dead, finishing as others had done "Such a mystery!" But Bose saw the wife with disappointed hopes, and only a long life of worry and unnecessary toil before her, and she wondered not that the frail life died out. But it was not for her to tell him. "N$ver too late to mend," St John said when he came back from town. I've engaged tbe carpenters, Bose, and the shingles will be here to-morrow. The old habit was not broken up at once, yet St. John soon found that whenever he failed to have a necessary thing done, Hose hired it. After some years Abigail came back on a visit. "How well you look, Rose," she remarked to her sister, "as young as when you first came." "Happiness does not tend to make people grow old," replied Mrs. St John, "and my life has been very happy, with fewer cares than fall to the lot of most women." "Do you know," continued Abigail, "that I dreaded to have you come, in fact, I pitied you? But you seem to have found no skeleton such as troubled ma" "Or rather," responded Bose, "I found and buried it.rjEroman0 World.

How to Pronounce "Boston." The word must be pronounced with due reverence. The accented o of the first syllable is not the ordinary short o, but the same prolonged and pronounced with a marked reverence, "as in the kindred word God. These are the only two words in which the vowel has the peculiar sound; and a true Bostonian, who properly appreciates Boston culture, always takes pains to make the vowel in the name of his sacred city fill the mouth as roundly as in that of his Deity, Independ enL i We3. Reeves, of Memphis, Missouri, had a tomato vine covering 200 square feet and bearing 3,000 tomatoes

How to Treat a A'ortherner The general tore of the Northern press is unjust to tbe "Sunny South." It does nut seem to appreciate our warm-hearted hospitality, and it indulges in flippant, scurrilous flings, as bold-faced and unreliable as they are mendacious and uncalled for. Some of those papers pubb'shed along up toward the North Pole, which is such a constant source of frigid and expensive curiosity, have had the condensed gall to claim that we don't know how to treat Northerners, There was never a more egregious error printed. We, of the salubrious South, do know how to treat Northern men who come down here to investigate our political economy, or capture our public land for the purpose of selling it at an advance of 995,000 per cent, or grazing Northern cattle with the foot and mouth disease, or equine bulls with the glanders. The way to treat a Northerner is simple enough. First, catch your Northerner. Don't be afraid of his shying or jerking on the bit. Ha:adle him gently, yet firmly, and let him know that, while you are not afraid of him, you have no desire to injure him in the least. Let him smell of your hands, your coat, your boots, and bIiow him you are thoroughly in earnest -about the matter, and that, at the same t;ime, you are half white aiid don't eat hay. Let him know, at once, that you mean business, and after he has become acquainted, he will follow you whenever you wink. Having now ingratiated youself in his warm, trustful, yearning nature, take the Northerner by the arm and lead him to the door, and then pass out onto the sidewalk. Take out your watch and look at it. Let tbe Northerner se it and smell of it, also, and then he will know it is not an infernal machine or a dynamite cartridge. , The Northerner will then ask you what time it is. Tell him candidly it is about 11 o'clock a. m. No matter if it is 9 or 10 o'clock, always say 11, and then break the question to him at once, without the least evasion or circumlocution. Ask him: "Do you ever drink?" The Northerner will in m )diately jump at the soft snap, roll hi eyes, and say: "Well, if I ever do, it is generally about this time of day. You have now obtained the mastery over him and subdued him. Lead the Northerner around the corner, head him for a saloon, and enter at the front door. Do not equivocate or try to sneak in by the back way. That would excite suspicion in the Northerner, and he would become restless and uneasy, and imagine you were piping him off to a bunko game. Then g ently lead the Northerner to a small table, and when you have sat the bar-keeper will come unto you. Open your mouth and teach, saying: "Bring me a Kobinson County toddy, with a polonaise on the outside, cut biaa;l and trimmed w t'i a lemon-colored stripe. What is yours, my friend from the Arctic Circle?" Then the Northerner will blush and stammer, and try vainly to hide his emotions. But do not be deceived. It is an old Northern fake of his, learned in the variety halls, where some pretty waiter-girl has asked him the same question, coupled with the assurance that be was to pay for two drinks. This accounts for his embarrassment. The Northerner will say "The same," if he does not call for the whole bottle and want to pour it out himself. After the drink, have another. Then another. Then another. Then some more. By this time the generosity of the Northerner will have become unlimited, and he will want to pay for something. He will want to induct you into the mystery of how to treat Southerners. But don't let him do it Neither one of you know what it is, but you drink something. Then take another. Then buy something. Then lead the Northerner down to ois hotel, and if he isn't the best treated man in the wholo South; and if he does not see more snakes, and horned frogs, contipedes, tarantulas, and other zoological specimens, may we never again reply to the base calumnies of the Northern press. Don't know how to treat Northerners, h? Well, we should smile with 'em. -Texqa Sif tings i Still Puzzles the Children What is in, those big brown paper packages that came to-day, mamma?" "Oh, nothing, child; nothing but but soap." "Then why don't you let me see it?" "I don'fe want to open them until washingMtuy." "BufeJane is out of soap and is going to thaigrocery to get some." "I forgot; it is not soup in those bundles, but starch." "When does Christmas come, mam-

H0W WE FKKEZR TO DEAiH.

ma

9

"Next week."

"Who brings the presents?" Santa Glaus." "How does he get in ?" "Comes down the chimney." "But we have no chimney in the parIoy where the Christmas tree is to be!" "No, I forgot; he comes up the heater flue." "But how does he get through the little holes?" "He is very small, and can squeeze through anywhere." "But doUs and carriages and drums and sleds are not small. How does he get them through?" "Oh! please don't bother anymore; mamma is tired." Philadelphia CalL

Marriages In Switzerland. An analysis of the number of marriages in Switzerland, published by the Statistical Office of Berne, shows that the proportion is very low as compared with other countries, being about 7.4 per 1,000 inhabitants. Of every 1,000 men and 1,000 woman of marriageable age forty-nine men and thirty-eight women are married. The figures show a falling off in marriage, and also an increase in divorce The causes are said to be religious differences and an increased mixture of races.

&JQd How to Restore Tlio.-o Who Are Not Quite leaf, Atlanta Constitution. "By the way, if I should happen to take it into my head to lie out to-night and freeze, what would be the process?' "It is very simple," replied the doctor. "Did you ever notice how drowsy vou become in cold weather? The extreme pa ts of the body when subjected for a time to a temperajnro impre6ively low readily lose their vitality; the circulation of the small vessels become weaker and weaker until it stagnates, and they are said to be frost bitten. I know a man who, while on a drunken spree, lay out in the woods and had his, toes frozen t off. But t proceed. The influence of cold being extended and Btill further protracted there is great drowsiness, with lassitude and extreme dislike to muscular exertion. If you! succumb to the feeling of drowsiness and sleep you drop into the sleep of death. You would first suffer intense! pain, afterward you would experience oj benumbing effect, and if walking you steps would become uncertain and tot fcering, Your utterance would become indistinct and an irresistible drowsiness would seize you. You would drop int sleep from which it would be impossible to arouse vou, and death would speedily follow." "If you should happen along in the nick of time and find a man at the point of freezing to death what would you do?" "The first thing to do is to restore warmth, but it must be restored gradu-i ally. It has been found that in case oi insensibility from cold the sudden exposure of the body to an elevated tern perature is cetainly fatal. If reaction takes place, it is short and violent, and the patient soon dies, not unfrequently in a state of delirium. In order to tivoid this danger the man should ba first rubbed with snow, if at hand, which, though in itself cold, is, when near the melting point, much warmer than the frozen body; or the patient fihould be immersed in a bath of very cold water, made gradually less and less cold until the tempature is raised to the natural standard. As soon as the muscle and other soft parts are iiufficiently relaxed to admit of easy motion, artificial respiration should be 3-esorted to. It might be done by throwing cold water upon the face or dashing it upon the shoulders. The sudden impression of cold upon the surface is a powerful stimulus to the respiratory process. When blowing into the mouth :is restored to, it is best to breathe two or three times deeply, so a9 to give the patient a better quality of air." "'Is cold injurious to ones system?" "Yes; upon the weak and exhausted cold acts as a permanent debility. There is not indeed a more freque it exciter of disease than cold, when applied to the body under certain circumstauces. A short exposure will, of course, do little harm, but should a person be out long in it say for instance he should loss his way on a winter night the result would be dangerous. It is exceedingly dangerous to go from a heated room into the cold air. The fair votaries of pleasure and dissipation often fall a sacrifice to the pursuit on this account, and many a young dancer has found in the chilling blast the call to an early tomb." It Wasn't His Lucky Day. Tin in luck!" exclaimed a rather "loud" young man as he stepped up ti an old gentleman in Brooklyn, "I jt.st picked it up," he said. "Why, it isn$1; a pocket-book; I thought it was though." The farmer's attention had been attracted. "It's a a a pair of kid," said the lucky man as he unrolled two gloves, "and 111 be hanged if there isn't a ring in this finger," and he held up the left-hand glove to remove it. "I guess it is a ring," ejaculated the old man as the glove was being turned wrong side out. "Certain; and you're in luck, too, my friend," said the young ehap as he pulled out an exceedingly heavy plain gold ring. "You were along with me when I found 'em, and I'll do the square thing. "Well go halves on it." "P31 take it," said the old farmer, and he placed the ring and the gloves in his breeches pocket. "I'm kinder short of money at the present time, but come down here and I'll borrow it from my son-in-law." "But how much have you got with you now?" asked the sharper uneasily. "Oh, never mind that. My son-in-law is a sergeant down at the lockup, and he'll lend me the full amount," replied the farmer. The lucky man disappeared New York World. The "Ohio Man9' in the Orient. As we started up street from the hotel we enjoyed the privilege of seeing two Japanese gentlemen meet, and were startled by hearing the one salute the other with ' Ohio!" "What!" I gasped, "can it indeed be that the Ohio man is in the Orient trying to monopolize everything here as well as in his own country? I suppose he is waiting for the Mikado to die or abdicate." But I have discovered the significance of the salutation now. It is the equivalent of our "good morning," and should probably be written "Ohaio," although pronounced like the name of the Buckeye State. Etymologically, it signifies early morning, and may, perhaps, be regarded as a Japanese paraphrase of the familiar Irish salutation: "The top of the morning t ye." Correspondence St Louis Globe Democrat. Where Ignorance is Bliss, Etc "Ain't you ashamed of yourself to fight with a boy so much smaller thaft yourself? I really can't understand it," said a clerical looking gentleman to a big boy who was imposing on a small one. "So you can't understand it," retorted the young rufllan impudently. "No, I can't." "Well, then, why do you meddle wit! things you can't understand?" Texa Sijtinqs, tbrosDAUiT speaking the worst bred person in company is a young tT ivele. just letorned from abroad. tituijt.

PITH 1SD FOIST

From the Novrmaa Independent The short-tailed mule is the modern: neigh-bob Miltoe is the whip that drives Anger to the devil. The fellow who was butted by a sheep had a "wether beaten" appearance. AvABic&is the grim and famishing spectre that robs hunger of all but death. Religion is the bough upon which faith rests after a flight upon the wings of hope. The Marquis of Bute is worth $25,000,000. That's a pretty good pile to be made by a man that hasn't any more sense than to spell boot with a "u." A fashion magazine has an article on "What Will the Coming Girl Weai;?" If she marries a country editor, she will Erobably wear a paper collar and a ungry look. Onk hundred and three thousand one hundred and nineteen head of sheep went to Chicago last month. This"shows where newly-married people go on their wedding tours. A subscriber wants to know "What is the best thing for the itch? We have always had our under garments lined with nutmeg-graters when afflicted with that malady. It is a great saving of the fingers. It requires four men and a barrel of cream-colored paint to keep Baruum's "white w elephant from showing the color of sheet-iron. BErnum ought to have him nickel-plated so the color wouldn't come off every time it rains. "Why can an old dog fight better than a young one?" asked Smith of Jones. "Because his teeth are longer?" "No." "Because his hide is tougher? Not right yeLw "Because his back is stiffer?" "No; try again. "Because he can get more of the young dog in his mouth than he leaves outside to iight with?" "No; because he has the most curage." TFrcm Texas Biftings.! "Over the garden wall" the flying boot-jack. Life is a game of ohance and Death casts the die A grocer who sells on credit is a trust-tea man. The time to re-tire when the old tire is worn out The onion-eater will always be found in the front rank. The closo of winter Flannel underwear and overcoats. The key to the political situation in many states whis-key. A fawn-skin could never be sold cheap, because it is always a little deer. It is sai 1 that Ellen Terry has four hmbands living. Bhe must be jtTerrybelle masher. The Hon. Wm. M. Evarts remarkably long sentences make him a great Mister-E. to many people. Though the plumber may have the greatest antipathy to onions, he always likes to have piety of leaks. The French are a great and gifted people. They are cognizant of 365 different ways of cooking eggs, besides 9icljpg them out back of the bam. Ninon de Lenclos says. " VThijt millions of time lovers waste ?" This is not strange, as that is their business. Young lovers generally take time to raist. It is some gratification to know that, if we are compelled to die before certain mean people, we stand a ohanoe of turning to dust which may blow into their eyes and vex them. Met hinks a question I have heard. Which souucK hlco this one: "What's Nob a pretty climblnir flower?" When it ha the enflnenza. Perchance yon think the answer to To ray the least a Htnnnert Unleas you know t he flower meant is called a 'scarlet runner.

Kot Tor the Kitnals of CiriiizatfeB. The religion of the ancient Egyptians had some features not to be fooad in several of the religions of these times. Here, for example, is a passage bom a prayer to be found hi the ritual for the dead: "I know you, Lord of truth and jus tice; I have brought yon truth, I have committed not fraud against men, I have not tormented the widow, I have not lied in the tribunal, I have not done any prohibited thing, I hare not commanded my workmen to do more than he could do, I have not made fraudulent gains, I have not altered the grain measure, or falsified the equilibrium of the balance, I have net made others weep, I am pure.w Another man thus cries : "I have given bread to him who was hungry, water to the thirsty r garments to the naked, and a home to the for s&ken one." Btill another cries: I have protected the poor against the powerful, I have given hospitality to every one, I havo been benevolent and devout, I have cherished my friends, aud my haud has been open to him who had nothing. I have loved truth end ated a lie." Svnnton'a Paper.

In Sunday School. "Now, boys,w said a teaoher liter reading about Naainan, "can yon tell me what a leper is?" "Yis, mom,19 promptly spoko p a small lad. "Well, what is it?" wSnre a it's a bullfrog, mom. MWhy9 no it isnt What do yon mean by replying in that way? "Doesn't a bullfrog jump momf "Of course he does." "Well, thin, isn't he a lepper, mf Question referred to committee on claims andolass adjourned. New Xbrfc Journal

A Gbbhan professor, who hm mm llv iTWAfltitratal thi nhwtnfc ant, kill

J -o -'if MIBWWMUT ess is catching. Dont believe K We ave seen many a bald head thai could iot catch an iAaa if it vm KftrrAal

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to me scalp with a curry oomk Jlfotoman Independent. It is one of the worst of errors to suppose that there is any other path of jsafety except that of d&tyNewtm