Saturday Evening Mail, Volume 14, Number 1, Terre Haute, Vigo County, 30 June 1883 — Page 3

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THE MAIL

A PAPER FOR THE PEOPLE.

BILL GRAFTS STORY.

Why Annt Malinda Decided to SUnd Up at Dinner.

William Grant came into our office early yesterday morning, and without the usual exciting ceremonies he simply remarked: "Talk about red stockings and bail storms, but swing me up for a mud-tur-tle, if I didn't feel sorry for Aunt Malinda last Sunday." "What seemed to be the matter with your Aunt Malinda, Bill? "You see she was going to give a big dinner to the young folks in the neighborhood of the Fork, more on my aocount than her own. I had been jilted a time or so in the settlement, and in order to get even I had made some very rash promises to a few of the young ladies and widows that the sudden rise in house rent and provisions made it impossible for me to fulfill. This fact came to the knowledge of Aunt Malinda, and knowing that 1 was making arrangements to move over to Walton county, and in order for we young folku to understand each other a leetle better, she made up her mind to hold a reunion at our house. There were twenty-five or thirty of the best people in that part of the country present, and all of us were laughing and talking on the back porch when the hail-storm came up. Aunt Malinda had been sitting near her bee-gum stand, and she made a break to cover up the nest before the hen was hurt or the eggs broken by the hail. In her hurry she upset the hive and the bees rolled out at the top of the gum and began to settle about the old lady's head. With a snout she lit out for the porch with her face and neck well protected by the skirts of her dress, while the bees followed her into' the crowd. All the women people became excited and a regular panic ensued. The ladies put out lor the barn at a fox-trot right through the blinding hail, and as sure as you are sitting on that ink keg, the last one of them had on red stockings. Ever since then the words 'red stockings' and 'hail-storms' have been ringing through my brain." "We can see nothing, as yet, in your aunt's conduct to arouse your sympathy," wo replied. "W-e-1-1, n-o! not yet, but when everything got quiet at the barn and the sun began to shino out, tho ladies sheepishly returned, two and three at a time, and it was hard to get tip a convocation on anything but bees. Well, when dinner was announced and the large crow was comfortably seated around tho Ion and woll-filled table, it was thon thai my hoart bled for that good woman who stood up at the head of the table, and with Christian fortitude served the plates of her young friends with the good things of this life." "Oh, yes," said we, "you felt ashamed, not sorry, on account of the, impoliteness of your aunt in standing instead of sitting down to serve her guests." "Why, man, Aunt Malinda was oblceged to sta—"

Wo mnnagtid to have Bill out of the window boforo ho had titno to finish the sentence.—Covington ((Ja.) Enterprise. am

Instantaneous Photography,

Last week an itinerant photographer of this city brought up in a small town in New .Jersey, and at once proceeded to business. At the first residence he asked the lady of the house if he could take a view of her house. "Don't want anv views. You couldn't take a view with that old machine, anyhow. Sup-

Eody

ose 1 was out in the front yard, nowould know mo in tho picture." Tho man of tho camera explained how perfect his machine was for instantaneous views, but the woman refused to listen to him. *He then wont to the next house, and there got an order for a view.

When ho began to arrange his instrument the woman No. 1 came over, her curiosity getting tho better of her, and the lady whose house was to be taken invited her to stand in the front yard to help form a group. Woman No. 1 was so afraid that her new silk dress wouldn't show to good advantage that she seated herself on the step of a ladder that stood alongside of a fence. Just before everything was ready she concluded that the flounces would show bettor if she stood up, and accordingly rose up. Then tho photographer lifted the cloth from the muasle of the camera, and turned his back to the seene just as the woman fell from the top of the ladder on to the fence and caught her foot between the pickets. She hung there all through tho exposure of tho plate, and the ©hotographer, unheeding her cries for help, proceeded to "ire, He foun found a develop the negative. splendid picture of a woman hanging head down from a picket fence. The woman by this time had got loose from tljo fence, and asked to have a look at the plate, when she almost fainted away. That night her husband called on the photographer, and paid him $50 cash for the picture. Yet wtav a man would want a picture of his wire hanging from a fence is more than anybody can tell.—Philadelphia Item.

A Brooklyn Alderman introduced a resolution calling upon the bridge trustees to have removed from the front of Sands Street Station a number of iron castings of a lion's head. He supported it in a speech, in which he suggested that the national eoat of arms Mid an •agle should be substituted for the bead of the king of beasts. He evidently forgot that the eagle Is claimed by some

of "the effete despotisms of Enrobe" national emblem, and the snbstj their Hon of this bird for the objectionable Uon's head might be qnlt* as great an eveeor* to some citterns as is the lion to tiie Alderman. A fellow Alderman turned the tables by suggesting that a cast-iron bead of the irate member be substituted for the obnoxious lion.

A tornado and a Jersey mosquito are two things which cannot be guarded against, unless a person is under grooad.

The Toothache.

A man with a full and carefully selected stock of toothache on hand is like that unpopular individual described by Shakspeare who hath no music in his soul and is fit for riots* ructions,^ dynamite plots, red-handed conspiracies and war. He is a bad man from Bitter Creek, a terror to the household, and ready to kick a pet dog clear across the front yard, or drown a cat. Still there is a nameless charm about a well developed case of the tootnache. The reason it is nameless is because we dislike to throw red-hot profanity into cold type. It is not relished by the great and seething tide of humanity to whom these stainless pages come like a soothing balm—a benison of peace. We could say things about the toothache which would crack crockery and dry np the Colorado river.

But in spite of all this, there is considerable toothache humor floating around the country. As long ago as 1850, a man struggling with tne toothache went to a young and enthusiastic dentist, who was trying to establish himself in practice. That was before the days of laughing gas, and the journeyman snag-snatcher put his tongs on to the jumping tooth, gave it a twist, and said: "Does it feel any better. I've got it half way out."

Another old manipular of bicuspids and molars crept up on tip-toe to ia

Unole Sam.

A Troy afternoon newspaper published recently an extract from the Washington correspondence of a well ih ngm ot the nan applied to the United States. 'It is probable that the Washington correspondent in question has less opportunity to seek for the origin of the name than Mr. Weise, who devotes some space to elucidating the name in his history of Troy. According to Mr. Weise, "Uncle Sam" was the appellation given to one Samuel Wilson, a man of kind and benevolent disposition who flourished in Troy about 1812. During the military operations along the northern borker in the war of 1812, Samuel and Ebenezer Wilson were engaged in an extensive slaughtering business, employing about one hundred men, and slaughtering weekly more than one thousand head of cattle. During the year he and his brother received a contract from Elbert Anderson, Jr., an army contractor, to supply the troops stationed at Greenbusn with beef, "packed in full-bound barrels of white oak." Samuel Wilson TVas

known paper, which purported to give tho origin of the name "Uncle San as

also appointed at this time an inspector of beef for the army, and was accustomed in this line of duty to mark all the barrels of meat passing1 the inspection with tho abbreviated title U. S. —for United States. In the army at the cantonment at Greenbush there were a number of soldiers who had enlisted in Troy, and to whom "Uncle Sam" and his business were well known. The beef received from Troy they always alluded to as "Uncle Sam's" beef, and the other soldiers without any inouiry began to recognize the letters U. S. as, the initial designation to "Uncle Sam." A contractor from the Northern lines strengthened this impression thereafter, when, purchasing a large supply of beef in Troy, he advertised that he had 'received a supply of "Uncle Sam's" beef of a superior quality. "The name "Uncle Sam/ says Mr. Weise, "few knowing its derivation, became in a little while the recognised familiar designation of the United States, and is now as well known to the world as the appellation John Bull,"—Troy Telegram.

Fashion in the Wilderness. During my residence there, says the Autobiography of Thurlow Weed," Mr. Wattles and family moved into the neighborhood. He came, I think, from what was then called the "Triangle," somewhere in Chenango County, and was a sub-land agent. They were, for that region, rather stylish people, and became the subjects of a good deal of remark one thing that excited especial indignation was, that persons going to the noose were asked to clean their •hoes at the door, a scraper having been placed there for that purpose.

to-

maiden lady (Miss Theodosia Wattles) rendered herself especially obnoxious to the spinster neighbors by "dressing op" week day afternoons. They all agreed In saving she was "a proud, stackup thing, asln those days "go-to-meeting clothes" were reserved lot Sundays.

Boston milliner earns $2,600 ayeat and her husband stays at home and keeps boose. That's the kind of a wife to have, and by the way, that'* the kind of a husband to have, when you waai a one.

his

shivering victim, and in an oily tone desired him to fix his mind on something else while he extracted the tootn.

A close-fisted chap from one of the back counties, whose election returns are so slow coming into headquarters that they seldom make any material difference in the result, once walked into the office of a city dentist and said he guessed he'd have a tooth out. just for a change. The skillful artist commenced a careful reconnissance, and while the patient was bracing himself for the first round, the dentist flipped the tooth out into the washbowl as slick as you please and as painless as eating strawberry shortcake. "What did you do that forP" inquir ed the patient. "Do whatP" "Why didn't you rassel with meP" "I never rassel," quietly observed the artist. "What's the damage?" "Two dollars." "Two dollars! Gosh all hemlock, man! Why down in our town our home dentist pulled me all around the room for a half hour or so, and he only charged me four bits. You didn't earn no two dollars."

There is no end of humor connected with tho toothache, but space forbids further attention to its extremely ludicrous character. The only sure cure for the toothache which occurs to us just now is to have your teeth fixed so that you can put them to sleep at night in a glass of cold water.—Texas Si/tings.

,TP r*

The distressed father

EBKKE HAUTE SATURDAY EVENING MATT,

wrr AJD HUMOB.

The chatter at a sewing circle is ftt nearest approach to perpetual motiMt that has yet been discovered.

NV'IO

was anx

iously asking, "Where is tuv wandering boy to-day? -was last seen getting on car marked,

TTO

the Base-baii."

Police matrons have not been appointed for the New York stations, ae the captains and sergeants don't want to be bossed.

A clergyman advertising for employment during his vacation months say* he is "not particular' as to latitude— east, west, north, or south."

Where are our women drifting? asta an anxious writer. They are probably scouring the neighborhood for some but ter and sweet milk. I

A dozen patents were granted last week on signaling apparatus. The handkerchief, however, retains its popularity in this respect

The Hindoos have 350,066 gods, and think the missionaries must be blooming fresh to expect them to give up that number for ohe.

A little girl hearing her mother observe to another lady that she was going into half-mourning, inquired whether any of her: relations were half dead.

The New Yiork News hits the nail pretty right on its head when it heads its retail market and Snnday dinners with: "The Interior Department." "Mr. Isaacs, can you tole

verevas

the first diamondP" "No, Mr. Yawcobs vere vas itP" "Yy, Noah's son on de ark he vas

ter.

Snem of der fust

var

When Carlyle said that everybody should have an aim in life he had no reference to the fair sex. He had doubtless often seen a woman trying to throw a stone at a hen.

All the Asiaiii authorities agree that if a profane skeptic should undertake to chop off or twist off the sacred tail of a genuine white elephant he would meet with sudden deiath. Alike divinity doth hedge a mule.

Mrs. David Davis is disappointed in the large trees of California. She says they are not nearly so enormous as she expected to find them. Mrs. Davis ought not to expect a tree to look large when her husband is around. "Yes," soliloquized the storekeeper, when he heard a commercial traveler rapping at his door, "I had heard that brass knockers on front doors were to be revived, but I did not suppose that they would get around as soon as this." "I haf only von brice for my goods," said one of our "clodink" merchants to a customer the .other day, and then in an aside to his hiead clerk lie added, with a wink, "and dot vas te brice he is villingtogif."

A man sitting in the back room of a saloon playing euchre breathes about eighteen times per minute. A female voice suddenly falls upon his ear, and his respiratiohj jumps to forty-nine quicker scat "It does beat all what rascality there is in this world," exclaimed farmer John, angrily. "The last ton of soapstone that I bought is so much adulterated that it is not fit to adulterate my butter with."

One of the most sanguinary puns of the season was perpetrated by the Boston Bulletin, as follows: "A blooded horse is, of course, a good gore." After such an effort as this, life appears much brighter. "1 notice one thing about this hotel," said one drummer to another as the pair were seated at dinner "the people here understand the art of breaa-making." "So thoy do," was the response, "but they can't help it you see it's innbread."

A Lowell, Mass., man advertises a reduction of twenty-five cents a thousand on contracts of laying 8,000 shingles.— We had no idea the boys wore so Dad in Massachusetts, and we now begin to see where Ben Butler got his start—Cin. Jbrummer. "Feel bad to think I put that faro chip in the contribution box by mistake? said the Louisvilje man. "I reckon 1 do. That was a $5 chip, and they'll go and get it cashed and get $5 out of me, when I only intended to give them 50 oents.

Jay Gould has had a sulphurous bath pnt into his house. Snakes and the other luxuries, so graphically delineated by Dante, will, doubtless, be added as the process of naturalization advances.— There is nothing after all like a clear conscience and a! healthy liver.

A woman is never content to say, "He pulled my hair." She particularises thus: "He pulled me by the hair of my head." This is necessary in order to distinguish between the hair of her head ana the heiad of* hair which she purchased at the store.

A visitor in the: country seeing a very old woman dozing at her cottage door asks a little boy of 6 or 7, who happens to be playing near by, how old she is, "I can say, sir," replies the child, olitely "nut she must be very old.— he has been here ever since I can remember."

A newly arrived bride from the goose countries, says the San Francisco Post, got fearfully mad because when she sent for a little ginger at the Palace the other day the clerk asked her if she was suffering from cholera infantum. "And we just married, too the cheeky thing."

That Irishman had correct appreciation of the fitness of things who, being naked by the Judge when he applied for a license to sell whisky, if be was of good moral character, replied, "Faith, yer Honor, I don't see the necessity of a good moral character to sell whisky."

A lady never feels more like going home and than when die is about where she sees "fifteen or twenty men standing around the window, and finds out after she has passed them that they were "dummies.

An Arkansas boy, writing from college in reply to his father's letter, said: •*8o rtm think I ana wasting my time in writing little stories for the local papers and cite Johnson's saying that the man who writes except for momj is tool

I shall act nponDr Johnson's suggestion and write for money. Sena me $50."

A little 6-year-old boy went into the country on a visit About the first thing he had was a bowl of bread and milk. He tasted it, and then hesitated a moment, when his mother asked him if he didn't like it, to which he replied, smacking his lips, "Yes, mamma I was only wishing our milkman would keep a oow." "Where are you going, my aretty iaed of two pretty girls, who were hurrying at railroad

maidens he demanc

speed down Chestnut street "Oh, do not detain us," one of them answered, "we are hurrying to the postoffice to get a letter." "If you go at that rate," ne called after them, "you'll, secure the whole alph»bet!" W *fi

An exchange contends that the wearing of hats is what makes the people baldheaded. We don't believe it Ladies don't wear hats—that is, they don't wear them on their heads, by about six inches or more—and vet women buy more hair in one year than men do in a quarter of a century.—Norristown Heraid.

Referring to a paragraph last week saying that the word love in Indian language is chemlendamoughkuago^ager, a correspondent sends us the intelligence that in Norwegian the word love is kjaerlighedans. Fancy the feelings of an active Norwegian who hears the old man coming just as he has struck the second syllable.

In forecasting weather Mr. Rollo Russell points out that next to frequent readings of the barometer and thermometer locally, and a knowledge of the distribution of atmospheric pressure over as wide an area as may be, observation of the character of clouds, especially of the cirrus variety, is of the greatest utility. Observation, of cirrus can plainly be made use of in a system of telegraphic weather forecasts.

A Lawyer's Great Fees.

A London correspondent pushed his way through Pump court to tho office of Judah P. Benjamin in the middle temple, London, and subjected the confederacy's ex-secretary of stale to an interview. "You see," said the self-expatri-ated southerner, "I am now turned 72, and. from the time I was 10 years old, my life has been one of unbroken toil, At college I was studious, in the law I was diligent, and, in politics ambitious. When the end came in America I found myself penniless and in London. It was then I resolved to make for myself a fortune such as would enable me to spend the last year of my life in carrying out some aspirations 1 have enter-' tamed in the way of writing a law book —aspirations formed, I may say, since my very boyhood, and in achieving that competency I have succeeded beyond my wildest hopes." "Did you find it a hard struggleP" "No, I can not say that I did. I seemed to drift easily enough into practice. Mine, however, was a different experience than falls to the lot of the young English barrister. I was almost 50 years of age, brought to my efforts here the ripe experience of thirty years of active life. The cause with which 1 had been indentified in the States was, in a certain circle at least, popular here, and the result for me was very hopeful." "Do I understand by that, Mr. Benjamin, that you entered upon a lucrative practice immediately?" "My best answer to that question is to show you the summary of my feobook, made up year by year since 1867."

So saying, he opened a large canvascovered book which lay on his desk, and indicated with his fingers a table of figures. The glance that I took of it showed me: "1867 fees, £405 1882 fees, £12,780." "I suppose," said I, "that this is your

rivate memoranda, and you might not pleased to have it go abroad. "Oh, I don't know why that should be," he replied. "I took them from the people for services rendered. I have no objection. You can copy them."

It is needless to say that I at once availed myself of this opportunity, and secured a copy, which I reproduce below:

Feet Received.

1807. 1968.

.£

187 6 £13,812

9 4

187 7 14,741 8 7 187 8 16,742 1870 14,A0S 6 2 1880. 16,971 4 10 188 1 14,632 8 12 188 2 12,780 18 6

405 12 3 708 0 0 1,074 2

187 0 1,480 8 0 187 1 2,100 17 0 187 2 5,633 7 4 1878 8,934 8 1 187 4 8,841 1 11 187 5 11,916 0 61

Total...£143,810 18 8

In dollars, 9686,044.78. When I had finished taking the copy he said: "I fancy few, if any, members of the English bar could show such a record."

New England wagon factories are turning out for next summer an unusual number of two-wheeled carts. Some have an arrangement by which they can be adjusted to norses of different builds, as a tall horse requires that the cart be pitched at a different angle from that used with a short one. The largest style of two-wheeled carts, built for four people and having seats running lengthwise of the body, passes under the name of wagonet The carriage dealers say that the reason why there are so many 7 novelties this year In the vehicle line because the trade is dull, and the manufacturers have been ransacking their brains for patterns which will help to stimulate it

NERVOUS PROSTRATION AND t4t INSOMNIA. tn nervous prostration and sleeplessness, from which so many invalids suffer, Compound Oxygen randy tails to bring relief. A lady (a teacher) in Avoc*, Wisconsin, who bad been a great sufferer, sought belp In compound Oxygen. of ave wesks wrote: *The At the end night after taking my first inhalation of Ozyffen, I slrpt like a babe! I could have cried for jog the next momimg. I felt that the restful sleep of that one night was worth the pries paid for tbe Treatment. '7b sow a exrmfort to He down at night, for I do not have to look forward te kmg weary hours of nerve-jerking (which to me Is harder to bear than pain). No mors mid-night alcohol and water-bathe neither rubWng», countings, nor walking tbe floor in agony bmt rest, tweet reel instead.1* Oar Trsstiss on Compound Oxygen, its nature, action, and resulta, with reports of eases and full information, sent free. Dn.Srm«rft PAUB», 1108 A1111 (Hard 8fcrest, Phfla-

Ft,

PaoriDKsrcx, August 21,1882.

Mttor/MmAraM:Du Sia, During my term of serrice in

Internal Beveam Department of the United States, at the time my offioe vas tn this city, 1 was aUUcted with a Mvere attack of kidney disease, and at times toflered intensely. I received the medical advice of aome of our best physiciani for along time, withoot being benefited by their prescriptions. Being discouraged by the failure of the doctors to help me, and being urged to use Hunt's Remedy by a friend who had tested its merits, although reluctant to try patent medicine, 1 was finally induced to try the Bemedy, and procured two bottles of it, and commenced it faithfully according to the directions.

Before 1 had taken It three days the excruciating pains in my back had disappeared, and before 1 had used two bottles 1 was entirely cured. Whenever, from over-exertion or a violent cold, the pains iu my kidneys return, a few doses of Hunt's Remedy quickly effects a cure.

Before closing I beg to mention the remarkable cure of a friend of mine in#New York City, to whom 1 recommended this valuable medicine. He was suffering severely from an attack which was pronounced by his physician a decided case of Bright's Disease of the kidneys. I obtained two bottles of Hunt's Remedy for him, and he commenced taking it, and began to improve at once, and was speedily restored to health, and he attributes the saving of his life, under the blessing of a merciful Frovidonoe, to Hunt's Remedy.

Another friend of mine in New York, to whom I recommended Hunt's Remedy, was suffering severely from kidney disease, and was entirely cured. of it after using this wonderful medicine only a short period.

Feeling deeply grateful for the great benefits experienced by my friends and myself from the use ol Hunt's Remedy, I feel it to be my duty, as well as a great privilege, to furnish you this voluntary and unsolicited statement of facts for the information of your large number of readers, many of whom are undoubtedly suffering from this widelyspreading scourge, and I believe that it is the best medicine now known, and that it will cure all cases of kidney diseases that can be cured.

I shall be pleased to confer with any one who may desire an interview regarding the statements herein contained. Truly yours,

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