Saturday Evening Mail, Volume 13, Number 31, Terre Haute, Vigo County, 27 January 1883 — Page 4

j.9f

fHE MAIL

A PAPER FOR THE PEOPLE.

WIT AFP HUMOR, -s'

"I like your new hat very much," he said "that feather's real 'cnic.'" "No *uch thing," exclaimed she "It's a real ostrich feather." "Yes," said the father, "I like to have my daughter have a beau, on the score 01 economy. If she didn't, some of the other members of the family would occupy the parlor and burn gas." "If," says the Phrenological Journal, "wbistliijg will drive away the blues, why shouldn't the girls whistle?" Pshaw! if they did, the puppies would run after them more than ever.

Peter Baumgartner, a St. Louis saloonist, makes oath that he is a son-in-iaw of Napoleon Bonaparte. Does anybody remember of any of the Bonaparte girls marrying Baumgartner?

Greek recitation Benevolent professor (prompting)—"Now, then, Eipas—" Somnolent soph (remembering last night's studies)—"I make it next He goes it alone before the faculty.

Professor Tyndall asserts that if a player on an accordeon happens to strike the right chord, be can render a .listener temporarily insane. Tyndall didn't need to be a great scientist in order to know that.

A great Irish orator and wit was asked what an Irish friend of his, who had just arrived in London, could meaii by perpetually putting out bis tongue. "I suppose he's trying to catch the English accent," said the wit.

Elizabeth Cady Stanton advises billiards for girls of the period. If a girl handles a billiard cue as dextrously as she throws a stone, the man four feet to the left of her is likely to have an eye poked out.

A Florida man killed a rattlesnake by Ihrowing a glass of whisky in its face. It wasn't tho effect of the liquor that caused the reptile's death, but it was the horror of the man's reckless extravagance.

The owner of a small dry-goods store in St. Louis says that the amount of his annual sales has not varied 75 ceuts in thirteen years. A stranger ought to I {drop in and buy a bolt of cotton and jH-nre him to death. "Detrain" is a new word in use in

England. When a body of soldiors alight from railway cars they "destrain." Pretty so6n tho papers will "teem with "dehorsccar," deomnibus," "dehack," w*deeanalboat," and so t'opth.

The dresses of Lollia Paulina, the rival of Aggrippina, were valued at $2,801.480, not including her jewels, which -ost ns muoh moro. It has slipped our ijiiuMuory whether Miss Paulina was daughter of a plumber or an editor^ uufc' ££Our iniprosaipn is that she was. i,™ ng New Yorker at a party asked ^aptoivntl the conseut of a young laher heme. Htr Wait'astonishment while the company departed, and linally hinted that n' was time for them to go. "O," said she, demurely, "I am boarding here."

Madam comes to inspect the costume •..of tambourine girl which she has ordered for the ball. "It is ravishing, but my husband—will he not lind tho— the train a trifle short?" "Not at all, inadam," replies the modiste, "after I .shall presont my bill."

The girls havo discovered that tho thin legs of habitual cigarette smokers prevent them from waltzing well.—AtInula Constitution. In this part of the '•country the girls waltz on their own legs and are not dependent upon the attenuated extremities of smokers of any kind.

Charles Lever tells of an Irishman who, while a wheel of a stage-coach was passing over 1dm. cried out, "What's this for?" I An Arkansaw man was equally .self-possessed. While ^standing in a saloon, where a party of eonvivialistf had gathered, a pistol belonging to one of the party was accidentally discharged. Tho Arkansaw man fell, shot through tho body. "Blamed if I understand this!" he exclaimed. ''Why that pistol should select me when older men are present is beyond my mental reseateh."

An aged peasant learns that the village doctor, to whom ho had advanced some small sums, has just passed away leaving nothing but debts. "There!" said ho to his wife, with a delightful chuckle, "if I hadn't bnd the good luck to have that fit of rheumatism two months ago, where would mv money be?"

They had met "by ehance" on a rail/road train. "Oh. how I wish I knew /you in the summer, when I had my yacht," he murmured, looking seaward.

Aud the fair being at his side felt -drawn toward him. she little knowing that he worked in a drug store at $? per week, and that he, still owed a quarter for the use of a row-boat at the beach.

A young author was telling^ of his woes with regard to a book. Said he: *1 gave it to one publisher to read, and he accepted it anu said ho would publish it. But three days later he committed snicide. Then I showed it to another publisher. He agreed to publish it, and the next week took all his partner's money and fled to Europe. And then—what the blazes are yon laughing at?"

A wittv nobleman once asked a clerical gentleman at the bottom of the table why the goose, when there was one, was always placed next to the parson. "Really, my lord," said the clergyman, your question is somewhat tiillicult to answer, and so remarkably odd, that I vow I shall never see a goose again without being reminded of your lordship."

A Harlem small bov, whose soul was filled with visions of future greatness and whose memory was stored with scene# in which dogs had gone mad from tho addition of artificial extensions to their tails, tried the experiment of tying a tin can to the most subsequent department of a goat The animal looked gratefully upon tho eager

and then slowly and solemnly devoured the can. The boy will henceforth lead a blighted life "Then you are thinking of building a residence next season?" suggested Flub to one of our heavy pockets. "Yes, I thought I should get up something in that Tine." "What style of architecture—Gothic, or Doric, or Corinthian, or "Ob, a little of everything. My wife inclines to the Mary Ann style but I guess FH put up a genuine Betsy Jane cottage, with a pizarro all around it. That'll suit me well enough." "Why didn't you deliver that message as I gave it to you?" asked a gentleman of his stupi'd servant "I did the best I could, boss." "You did the best you could, did you?" imitating his voice and look. "So you did the best you could. If I had known that I was sending a donkey I would hhve gone myself.

It was but a simple pin. Puck says, on a chair, and the little boy did grin like a bear when the teacher took seat

and in a manner very fleet flew half a hundred feet in the air. This the teacher doth annoy, and he chants, and no pardon to the boy quick he grants. But he grabs the indiscreet little boy and him doth beat till he rather spoils the seat of his "pants."

A martinet of a sergeant turns up un expectedly to call out a fatigue party Only one soldier answers to the sum mons with promptitude. 'Hponfound it allJto confusion!" yells the irritated of licer. "What in the name of a hun dred thousand devils do you mean by turning out alone, sir, when I calleii out the whole squad? Forty-eight hours in the black hole! That'll teach you to be the only man to turn onil"

He was a pretty close man, without doubt. At breakfast he cut an egg in two and gave the new hired man one naif of it. The help ate it and held out his plate for more. "What!" gasped the Ijost. "Want a hull egg?" "Of cour&e I do," said the man. The boss stared blankly at him a moment, and then, pushing the half egg across the table, snappishly cried: "Take it, eat it, and kill yourself.'' The man ate it and is still alive.

We have heard both Democrats and Republicans say that there is nothing better fota Cough than Dr. Bull's Cough Syrup Hbis old reliable remedy never falls to cuje a Cough or Cold at once,aud may be ot^fffttTat any drug store for 25 cents fc&jktffv

v-,

rioar'falock.

A jewe}& artd watchmaker of Middlebury, Cone., has j^cently constructed a curious clock,* which acts out to perfection the assassination## President Garfield. The machine iPa common cuckoo clock, uuder \v1hc]| is a miniature depot. At One Hindbw is a ticket agent dealing tickep, while at another a telegraph operator is seen busy at his work, and trtjobmen, porters, traindispatchers, etc., are all flying around as natural as life. All of these figures are wvr0 1, about two inches long. At the end Ql^ftcli hour the cuckoo announces the ffcf4 vtud* immediately Garfield «ppeawon "tho platform on which the scene is enacted, accompanied by Mr. Blaine. Guiteau' is seen to follow him, haviug iust alighted from a truck-wa-

fatterand

^on, as he fires at the President the falls. Just then a train of cars comes dashing in, and in the confusion all the principal actors are carried into the depot out of sight. After the traindispatcher has given the signal and the train has gone, a small door at the left ogens and a priest appears, book in hand, in the act of reading a funeral service, while at the same time another door at the right opens and Guiteau appears on the gallows. The priest retires, and shortly after the gallows disappear with Guiteau, and the doors close. This is acted out at the end of each hour and takes about three minutes.

$#"For onedimeget a packageof Diamond Dyes at the druggist's. They color anything the simplest and most desirable colors.

The Dismal Swamp.

A recent visitor to the Dismal Swamp in Virginia found it much reduced in extent compared to what it was twenty years ago. It now contains some of the best farming land in the state. A railroad runs across it and it is on its way to tinal extinction. The drainage of Lake Drummond, a central bod}- of water lying higher than the average level of the swamp, would make the whole area fertile. This is a projoct of Governor Benjamin F. Butler who once had surveys made, but at length abandoned it The ^reat industry of the swamp is lumbering. It is penetrated by small ditches in connection with larger canals, and by rude tram roads, over which the logs are hauled to be sawed up into shingles, railroad ties and fencing. The lake itself, however, with its almost impenetrable fringe of cypress and its protecting roots and broken stumps, is quite as dismal as ever.

Ostend dealers have been caught sending over to the English markets cats and selling them for rabbits. In a recent case the services of an anatomist were called in for a post mortem examination before the identity of the subject was fully established, and it proved to be "poor pussy", sure enougn, according to the American interpretation of the term. Stewed cat may be all well enough as an article of diet, but it is no sweeter by any other name*when it is still known to be cat. The proper functions of cat are to lie around the fire, be stepped and rocked on, catch mica, and squall at night They are, under no circumstances or conditions, wanted on the table.

There are 3.t00 rumshops in Boston.

HONEST AND LIBERAL. When the Hops In each bottle of Hop

the quality and price are kept the same, we think it jte honeet and liberal in the proprietors,and no one should complain, or buy or use worthies* stuft. or cheating bogus Imitations because the price is lew.

How the Senses Are Pooled. Immerse the forefinger of one hand in water at 104 degrees Fahrenheit. and then plunge the whole of the other hand into the water with a temperature of 102 degrees Fahrenheit The latter, although two degrees cooler, mil be judged to be the warmer of the two,* from which it appears that the intensity of the sensation of temperature depends not only upon the relative degree of heat to which the parts are exposed, but also upon the extent of surface over which it is applied. From this cause a bath which is not uncomfortably warm, when a few fingers are dipped in it, appears scatding hot when the whole body is immersed. The sense of temperature is, likewise, entirely at fault when required to determine which is the warmer of two substances, say a piece of' iron and piece of wood, for if they both have the same temperature, the iron will feel the hotter of the two, because of its being a so much better conductor. A slight difference of temperature, however, oe tween two substances of like nature is easily discerned, and we may here describe a simple but highly-entertaining trick which is foundea on this fact.

The performer, having placed his hat behind him, requests the pec le present to place in it three or four pennies. He shakes it up behind him, and then asks some person to take out a penny and closely examine it He has then to pass it to the others for examination, the last one pitching it back into the hat again. The pennies are then reshaken up, and the performer now, placing one hand behind him, picks out the penny which has been examined,although throughout the whole operation he has never seen it When the experiment has been done some two or three times successfully, all sorts of unlikely suggestions are made as to the way in which the feat has been performed, but very seldom the right one, which is exceedingly simple. The people, in handling tho penny which was selected from the others, make it warm. It is, therefore, easy to pick it out from the others when it has been pitched into the hat again. This sufficiently demonstrates the fact that at ordinary temperature the sense of temperature as localized in the fingers is sufficiently sensitive to discriminate between several pieces of metal so as to sav which is the warmest. feut for the extremes of hot and cold, touch is thoroughly deceived, apiece of frozen mercury giving a burning sensation like a red-lfot bar of metal. The touch which attains to such perfection in persons afflicted with 'blindness is readily deceived. This is shown forcibly by the experiment, of Aristotle:Cross the index and middle fingers anu run them over a marble placed on the table with t!-* eyes shut. Under such circumstances one has difficulty in avoiding the belief that he is dealing with two marbles instead of one. The idea of roundness which has been obtained by a complex judgment, founded on the coalescence of several sensations, is here appealed to, but the usual conditions being reversed, we draw a wrong conclusion. The sense of taste may bo like: wise confounded.by altering the fcotfrdf* tious linger''which the gustatory operation is always carried on. Thus, if the norstrils be held firmly, it is impossible to distinguish between applying an onion or an apple to the tongue.—Sci-' cncc for AU.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT. Said a crabby dyspepsic to a friend who had just told him that Dr. Guysott's Yellow Dock and Sarsaparilla was a permanent cure for dyspepsia—"I don't believe it," and the crabby dyspeptic continues to enjoy the horrible comfort that his dyspepsia gives him. Dr. Guysott's remedy is a permanent cure for dyspepsia. It strengthens the digestive organs most wonderfully.

No American Girl Would so far forget Herself. Reine and lier best girl friend. Pansy Perkins, wero standing in the conservatory of Costcliff Castle this dreary afternoon, when the skies were overcast with sullen-looking clouds whose presence foretold a coming storm. They had been friends from youth, notwithstanding that Pansy had a seal-skin sacque two winters before. Theirs was indeed a deathless affection.

Have you seen 'Daniel Rochat'?" asked Pansy, suddenly changing the subject of conversation. "No," replied Reine. "What is it about?"

Oh! it's lovely. A man wants* to marry a girl, and she loves him terribly. They are married by the magistrate, and then the girl wants to have another ceremony in the church. The man refuses because he is an infidel, but finalsays he will do as she likes. Then girl says she won't have him at all, and they part very miserable."

The girl refuses to marry him?" asks Reine, in haggared tones. "Why, yes she refuses utterly." "Where is the action of this play located?" "In Switzerland." -j *'Ah?" says Reine, a sigh of relief escaping her, "I thought no American girl would so far forget herself.—Chicago Tribune.

Experiments with the telephone have demonstrated the fact that the letter sounds like S, when it comes over the wires. The figures 37 cannot be told from 27. This is ail very well, but what the average inhabitant wants to know Is, what makes a "swear word" sound so plain through the machine. A man can stand and yell until his breath gives out without getting an answer, but just as soon as he utters a profane word a soft feminine voice comes gliding over the wires and strikes him in his right ear, "It's against the rules to swear through the 'phone, whizz, bang!" Will somebody explain

Wilde and Langtry should be perpetuated in wax as the champion frauds which England has sent us in this year of alleged enlightenment 1382.

Mr. S. G. Garmo, of Springfield, O., writes: "I want every one tJ know that I was cured of dyspepsia, heartburn, soar stomach and other disagreeable symptons of weak digestive organs, by

.tomacb now rMdily dfgwU any kiAd oC '«S?£hlng, T/) vt ,. --TO ...i iW i.— W* 'Ki

Sayings About Women

Here are some sentiments expressed of Women by. the wise, the witty, and the great. It is to be noticed that "the s6x provQf uially say sharp things of themselves:

Confucius—Woman is the masterpiece. Franklin—He that takes a wife takes care. "Herder— Woman is the crown of creation.

La Fontaine—Foxes are all tails and women all tongue. Voltaire—Women teach us repose, civility and dignity.

John Quincy Adams—All that I am my mother made me. Boucicault—I wish that Adam had died with all his ribs in his body.

Richtet-^No man can live either piously or die righteously without & wife.

N. P. Willis—The sweetest thing in life is the unclouded welcome of a wife. Victor Hugo—Women detest the serpent through a professional jealousy.

Beecher—Women are a new race recreated since the world received Christianity.

Leopold Schefer—But one thing on earthly better than the wife—that is the mother.

Shakspcare—For where is any author ill the world that teaches such beauty as woman's -n es?

Michelet—Woman is the Sunday of man not-his repose only, but his joy, the salt of -his life.

Mary Wollstonecraft—As a sex women are habitually indolent, and everything tends to make them so.

Ben Johnson—A woman, the more curious she is abou't her face, is commonly the more careless about her house.

Southed—There art three things a wise man will not trto&t—the wind, the sunshine of an April day, and a woman's plighted faith.

Lady Montague—It. goes far toward reconciling me to be a' woman when 1 reflect that I am thus ih' no danger of marrying one.

Women in Wall Street.

Says "a correspondent:. Wall street is overrun with women—wpnien who are old and women who are young women who are poorly clad and women in rich attire women who talk patly of the market and can ring the changes on the stock exchange's melodious lingo Svomoa attractive and women repulsive \v tli ah eye single to gai n. They are wild with the speculative craze. Their ambUJon is "flyers their meth ods most clfyl-likc and bland. In the irst of these new habitues of Wall street are embraced members of some of the first'families of the city, so far as wealth and connections o. "The popular actress abounds anu is petted Indies who wear crepe veils in memory of .departed lords are numerous, and she wlio could find no profits in engineering a board-ing-honse helps support the broker. Motley1 regiment they are, but they have the ^reKiit of-operating boldly, aitd ta&t& j' rislJ^ ^afe^would tlriv^tiiflH* masculine speculator wild. It is rather difficult for the average member of the stock exchange to refuse advice to a pretty woman, and, everything being even, the information so put forth is juite up to the standard of Wall street reliability and accuracy* ''^Secrets are sometimes obtained by women which the ordinary man could not discover in life-time.* and for some inscrutable reasou they flourish occasionally where men fall.

t:*

A number of experiments have been made in this country to test the value of different materials for doors that may be exposed to fire, from which it appears that perhaps rhe best door yet devised is one made of wood and covered with tin. The door is formed of solid plauks, or boards matched and fastened together and crossing at a right angle, or at forty-five degrees. There should not be less than two thicknesses in any door, and as many more should be used as the size of the opening to be closed demauds.

Mrs. Langtry h^s one thing not common here among women, whether beautiful or plain. That is a sweet melodious voice, a lovely intonation, and a speech low and soft, but clear as crystal. Her manner of utterance has few of the peculiarities which our imitators of English form think it necessary to affect It is easy, musical and natural, and her pronunciation is delightful. It would not be possible for us, we regret to say, to assert the same things with truth of the voice and speech of the greater number of beautiful American women. And yet therein consists one of the most delightful and most winning of feminine charms a charm so great so essential even, that otherwise perfect womanly loveliness is inexpressibly, marred by the lack of it—New Tork Sun.

'"It is somewhat singular that it is the little state of Rhode Isiand, least of all the Sisters in the Union, that should have inscribed upon her seal the one word, Horn. One would think that the founders of the state had foreseen that iii its chief city, Providence, there would afterwards be discovered a remedy tor the afflicted, which has inspired more hope in the hearts of the sick than any presented to the public. But whether they dreamed of Hunt's Remedy or not, that medicine is produced in Rhode Island, and embodies in it the cheering word of her state seal, Hope. Nor does it bid men hope only to mock their hopes, but with power to Satisfy and cu re. To all who have dropsy, weakness of the back produced by an affection of the kidneys, or any otter ailment of the kidnevH or urinary organs, Hnnt's Remedy comes with hope. Try it, and yon will bless both little Rhody and little Rhody's mast celebrated production, Hunts Remedy.

TheKeyrtMeefHeallh. How can you expect to feel well, or even enjoy life, when you go about with a hacking eough? The fool, in his wisdom, savs there is no cure for it. bat the «be man Idea him to Moflatt 4 Gulick's

CONQUEROR

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NETSK KNOWN TO FAIL. "I had suffered twenty years with severe diseases of the kidneys before using Hunt's Remedy two dnys I was relieved, and am now well.'. JOSHUA TUTHILL. "My physicians thought that I was paralyzed on one side. I was terrible afflicted with rheumatism from 1860 to 1880. 1 was cured by Hunt's Remedy.

STEPHEN G. MASON.

"My doctor pronounced my ease BrightVi Diseases, and told me that I could live only forty-eight hours. I then took Hunt's Remedy, and was speedily cured."

M.GOODSI'EED.

"Having suffered twenty years with kidney disease, and employed various physicians without being relieved, I was then cured by Hunt's Remedy." SULLIVAN FENNER. '•I have been greatly benefitted by the use of Hunt's Remedy. For diseases of the kidneys and urinary organs there is nothing superior." A. D. NICKERSON. "I can testify to the virtue of Hunt's Remedy in kidney diseases from actual trial, having been much benefitted thereby."

REV, E. G. TAYLOR.

"I was unable to arise from bed from an attack of kidney diseasd^ The doctors could not relieve me. I was finally completely cured by using Hunt'8 Remedy."

FRANK R. DICKSON.

"I have suffered extremely with kidney disease after using Hunt 's Remedy two days, I was enabled to resume business."

GEO. F. CLARK.

One trial will comnnce. Tor sale by all drugiffists. Send for pamplets to

Prices, 75eents and tl.25,s

KTDNEY-WORT

HAS BEEN PROVED The •URBST CURB for

KIDNEY DISEASES.

Dooa lame tMk or disordered urine Indloate that you area viotimP THEN DOi WOT HESITATE vma KXDNKT-WORT at onoe (drugglata r*oommend it) fad it will speedily overoome the diaoass and rMtore seal thy action to aU theorgana.

oHIaS

IiCIUICBi*oroomplaintapeculiar!

to your aex, «uoh

pain

and weskneasM, XMOTSV-WOTIT la anrar-i pessod, aa it will act promptly and aafoly.

JEtthcr 8ex. Inoontinenoe, retention oil urine, hrlck duat or ropy deposit*, andduUl Irsgglne pslna, ell apeedlly yield to tta ouritive power.

RGAGG,'^

(S3)

SOU)BYAIXBHTTOOISTS. Prloetl.

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TRADE MARK.

Blood

7- *vn

HOPE -fjjp

Syrap cured cared me.

SEEDS

rv%\

After a tnoroturn tnu«

iEV. A. L. HOBBS

ustonti^ propecftiWe

New York Weekly Herald

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The circulation of this newspaper is oon stantly Increasing. It contains all the leao ing news of the Daily Herald and its a. ranged in handy departments. The

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embracing oompleto and comprehensive despatches from Washington, including full reports e£ tlia sneecbes of eminent politician on the questions of the hour.

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of the Weekly HerakJ gives the latest nsweP as the most practical suggestion and dt* coveries relating to the duties of the fanne* hints for raising Cattle. Poultry, Grain* Trees, Vegetables. Ac., with suggestions f««.\ keepings and farming utensils in repair.,. This is supplemented oy a well editea ri-, paitment, widely copied, under the head of

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giving recipes for practical dishes, hints making clothing and for keeping upwii. the latest fashion at the lowest price. Every -. item of cooking or economy suggested in department is practically tested by expertsbefore publication. Letters from our Par» and London correspondents on the very, latest fashions. The Home Department the Weekly Herald will save the housewif* more than one hundred times the price «»i the paper. The interest of

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A ilHrntUii

HUNT'S REMEDY CO.. Providence, R. I.

One Dollar a Year.

NEW YORK HERALD.

Broadway and Ann Street, New York.

MILLER S HOTEL:

Nos. 37,89, & 41, West Twenty-Sixth 8treet,

MEW YORK CITY,

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A quiet, healthy location, convenient bystages, horse cars, u-1*! the elevated roads tu* all parts of the city.

In the center of retail t^de,places of amusements, and the principal Hotels and churobe* PERMANENT OR TRANSIENT GUESTS-

Rates:—$2.50 to $4.00 per day 810.00 to $26.01: per week, according toslise and location ot rooms. Special rates forfamlies or by the year.

Indian Blood Syrup

Ctfren lll «li«ease a of the Stomach. IJ ver. Bowel*, Kidneyn. Skin and Blood. Million* testify to ito efficacy In healing the aboie naned dlneaftem and pronounce it to be the

BEST KEKEDT KHOWW TO MAW. Guaranteed to cure Dyspepsia.

AGENTS WANTED Jg\

i4U: Ukrawn WmiM M., H. T»rk CUT. ull ll. .j ma oot.BS. Spring, Bta., Ind., March o, IH81. *Dr. Clark Johnson: I had asetare Cold and a short trial of your cele-1•d

LMDntmspssffi®

Tnrklsti, Keetrle, and Roman *Bath»v Connected with the hotel at reduced rates to? guests.

D#. B. P. MfLLEN, proprietor, Manager.

Not Fail to Send for our FALL Price-List for 1382*

Free to any address upon application. Contains descriptions of everything

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PUR»JF

IBOHTOHIcTltoSe JLm£m± ^Iconaiderit in stating that I luna be |T flfTM A mott excellent remedy tor LU UiJAMSlll.»d viul torc~. ScSpeekers will flml it of the twstirt value where* Tonicianeoo^ggrv, I itoomynnnfl ic m» reliable remedial ftdrent, possessing1 un* doabted natritfrre find

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A. eomifnatfon of rroIteetde of Iron, feruvia* Bark and. Fbo*phoru*it* a paUUabU form. For n&UUy, JjOM of AppotUe, rrornirmtitm of VUal 44 is indispe****ble.

iKfripe *EV-,-I"T0WirEB'

^/industry, I1L says:—

kepicwe co„ m*.iuB»t.,ii.Mra.