Saturday Evening Mail, Volume 12, Number 50, Terre Haute, Vigo County, 10 June 1882 — Page 2

THE MAIL

A PAPER FOR THE PEOPLE.

TERRE HAUTE, JUNE 10, 1882

TWO EDITIONS

OC this Paper are published. ftM FIRST EDITION, on Thursday Evanlng, hM a large circulation In the surrounding towns, where It is sold by newsboys and agents. The SECOND EDITION, on Saturday Evening, goes Into the hands oOiearly every reading person in the city, and the farmers of tills immediate vicinity. Bvery Week's Issne is, in tact,

TWO NEW8PAPKHH,

In whioh all Advertisements appear for THE PRICE OF ONE ISSUE.

GUITBAU must go.

4 THE doctors now pronounce the cucumber a tonic.

SKVKRAL stores in New York worms for angling purposes.

sell

1 IIE Rev. P. S. Henson says "all newspapers, except religions ones, should be suppressed."

THK yonng man contemplating investing in matrimony should keep in mind that a good woman is the best sayings bank in the world.

THE Chicago News estimates that there is more money spent in that city for liquor than for schools, churches, boots and shoes, and clothing by the entire population of the city.

AN Indianapolis preacher has been presented with a pair of sleeve buttons by a well-known gambler, because he said in a sermon that common gamblers were no worse than speculators in stocks.

THK wife of a Milwaukee physician is going to Jail for fiftoen days rather than pay a fine of $5, which was imposed ou her for persistently keeping an unlicensed dog. She wishes to be a martyr for principle

THK very latest for young men of the extreme type of fashion, is pants cut skin tight, gently sloping toward the feet, whore they are pasted to the ankles with mucilage, intonded to keep ants from crawling up a man's legsat picnics.

fjRonoiA claims a genuine Bluebeard In a man 100 years old, who has had sevon wives and has killed them all. A Southern paper calmly adds that "he has not yet been apprehended, but the officers are tracking him through the mountains."

IT may not be generally known, but it is nevertheless a fact, as we are told by the Louisville Argus, that all the iniidel, atheistic and spiritualistic papera published in this country are located in the .North. Two of these sheets—the Age, formerly Seymour Times, and thelconoclast—are printed at Indianapolis.

A OOHSOIKNOK stricken office-holder at St. Joseph, Mo., has sent to the secretary of the treasury $2,787, which|heconfesses to havo roblod the government of. It is supposed the death of Jessie James stlrrod up the poor fellow's remorse and forced him to disgorge. If the rest would follow his example thore would soon bo enough conscience-money in the treasury to pay the National debt.

WHAT wonder that the «vomen of the day should sport artifical jewels, when ill most every featuro of their persons may at neod bo no less artifical, even to false oars and false eyelashes? Tlio latter havo actually been applied at Paris by means of a needle threaded with fine hair and drawn through tho flexible skin of the eyelid. Tho operation is said to be painless, and the effect pleasing.

A CASK of suspouded animation mis-t-akon for death is reported in Boston. A girl was pronounced dead by her physician. A few hours after, when her father turned to loavo hor alone, she cried, "Please don't go, papa." She then told hor friends, as they gathered about her, that aho had been in heaven, a glorious place, and ^wished to return. She soon after died.

THB delegate at the Chicago convention who shouted, "what are we her# for, but for the officesT" was not mors frank than Mr. Albert Daggett, of Brooklyn, who says to the Republican committee of his city: "I am in poll tics fbr two,reasons. One la that I like it, the other is that it has paid me, and If othor gentlemen on this floor will say as much wo will get along smoothly. That it has paid me everybody knows."

PURLS between women are remarkable for their rarity, but North Carolina furnishes tho story of an encounter as desperate as it was bloody, in which two women were the only contestant*. The parties were Jane McKeller and Frances McNair, between whom there had long loen great bitterness of feeling, occasioned, it is said, by the centering of their separate affections upon one young man. Friday night, by appointment, the rivals met in a secluded dell, where they went at each other like tigers.

A g'wxi-hcsirJrvi, more mankind tbms ri. num.

CURRENT OOMMBNT.

If one would read only tho words of the lawyers for the defense, remarks the Chicago Inter-Ocean, how sympathy would go out to the poor abused Malley boys! And yet people will not likely forget that whether they fail to be convicted of the crime of murdering Jennie Cramer or not, they represent a class of fast young men who think it no harm to despoil the home, dethrone virtue, and bring it to such sorrow that even death cannot end it. If the publicity of the case and its terrible results set a multitude of young men to thinking, the imprisonment and trial will not have been in vain, even if there is a failure to convict.

The National Baptist says that the man who complains of paying ten dol lars for his church pew went to the circus last week, taking his wife and five children, and paying a dollar apiece for reserved seats. He is going to take a cheaper pew next year, and to advocate a reduction in the salary of the pastor,

A London lecturer on female attire said recently: "Dressed as women are, the less exercise they take the better for health. In fact, they are seldom fit to stand erect or walk a block, but should be rolled around or carried on a palaquin. Not one woman in 10,000 has room inside her clothes for the rise and fall of the ribs in breathing, and there is not one in 10,000 whose vital organs are not displaced by external pressure, While this is so, the less exercise the better."

Dr. Willard Parker, the eminent New York physician, writes to the Christian Union: "As to women entering the profession, I am in favor of it. If a woman has got brains, and is properly educated to be a doctor, there is no reason why she should make any the less a good wife, mother, sister or neighbor. Female physicians can teach women how to manage their children, and in a great many operations and diseases, particularly those affecting their own sex and children, they do well." This is valuable testimony, coming as it does from one of the most conservative men in the profession.

FEMJ S ITEMS.

Young girls—before you marry find out what your husband wants you for. The amount of money spent by a woman on her dress by no means makes her the best-dressed lady.

It is strange liow, in such a world as this is, a woman with white teeth, can contrive to find so much to laugh at.

Some attention was paid to cosmeties in the fourteenth century. Here's a genuine recipe of that date: "For to make a woman's neke white and softe fresh, swynes grees molten, and hennee grees and the white of egges half rested,and do thereto a little popyl mele, enoynt bir therewith ofte."

A demure, diminutive girl, aged 18, is under arrest in Philadelphia for bigamy. She has three living husbands, all of whom she has married within two years. When asked why she had done this, she said "They are all good fellows, and they coaxed raeso."

A Springfield woman, whipped by her husband, called in a policeman, who subdued the bully with great difficulty and started with him for the station house. Then the wife discovered that the prisoner was without shoes, declared that ho would catch cold, insisted upon delay while she procured them, fought the officer like a fury to make him wait, and finally was taken to prison with hor spouse.

LITTLE SERMONS.

Sentimental religion is tho most foolish of shams. Never undertake to do more than you can perform.

People who have most to do often have most time to spare. One good deed done to-day is worth a hundred put off for to-morrow.

We should never forget that there is a comforting side te every sorrow. Never take stock in a man who habt ltually says man things about women

When a man has nothing to do the devil regards it as a first class opportunity.

Those who wait for grand opportunities of doing good really accomplish much.

Since kind worda cost us nothing and are of value to others, why is it we are so sparing of them.

All men do mean actions at times but some men do fewer of them than do others.

Don't grumble at your own lot. Your own burden galls you less than any other would.

Pope said that narrow souled people aud narrow necked bottles are alike, for the leas they have in thom the more noise they make in pouring it out.

Fuller said in one of his great sermons, He that spends all his life in sport is like one who wears nothing but fringes and eats nothing but sauces."

A man thinks he knows everything when he really knows nothing, and be thinks he knows nothing when he really knows pretty nearly everything.

Frances was the lighter of the two, and soon found that she waa not a physical match for her opponent, and so had recourse to the assistance of a bowieknife. She plunged the blade into Jane's heart, causing instant death. The sight of the blood and the consciousness of her crime overpowered Frances, and she fell in a swoon upon the prostrate body of her late enemy. It was thus they were found by a party that had started after them with the intention of preventing trouble, R. En TKI« KTT, the celebrated oarsman, Kingston, Canada, says "I have

Once upon a time a woman died, and as the mourners were carrying her to the grave they tripped against a stump and let the coffin fall. She revived, bav Ingbeen only in a deep trance. Two years after she really died, and as they were carrying her down the same road and near the same stump the disconsolate widower sobbed: "Steady boys* Steady there! Be very, very careful.

ng»:

found St. Jacobs Oil a sure and certain

man is wo a lwd-hcarJ«l for rheumatism. Clipper.

TERRE HAUTE SATURDAY EVENING MAIL,

HOW THEY DINE WITH THB QUEEN. Many of oar readers would, no donbt, be interested in knowing how people dine with her Majesty, Queen Victoria, with a description or the tomfoolery essential to enjoy so divine a blessing. The following purports to be a true presentation

A recent guest of the Queen at Windsor Cfestle has

14

written up" the cere­

mony of a qaasi private dinner at that royal abode. Victoria never resides at Windsor for more tt each year, and during that time she lives in regal state. At Balmoral and Osborne her habits are more free and easy, so that the routine of court existence cannot be seen to advantage save at Windsor Castle. An invitation to dine with her Majesty and spend the night at the Castle is equivalent to a command, with whose execution nothing but death may interfere. On arriving at the door invited guests are received oy the pages of the chamber, who conduct them to their respective rooms, as-they are indicated on a plan provided in advance. The visitor's rooms .are spacious, comfortable, and supplied with all "modern conveniences.' Those who come to the royal table must do so in full dress, and the preparation occupies seme little time, soon after 8 o'clock the visitors find their way into the grand corridor, where they indulge in conversation with each other and await the Queen, who enters, followed by the Princess Beatrice, about 8:30. Her Majesty speaks a word of greeting to each of her guests, and then all go to dinner. The private diningroom is rather small, cheery and very attractive. The meal is always very good, both in make-up and service, in the former respect partly, perhaps, because the namo of the cook, who is responsible for each dish, is written oppo site to it on the menu. Champagne and claret are usually provided. Various footmen, pages and other servantsare in attendance about the room, and John Brown, in full Highland dress, is stationed behind the Queen's chair. The Queen leaves the room with the ladies, and the gentleman follow in two or three minutes, after which there is a half hour of personal intercourse in the corridor, the Queen entering into conversation with each of the guests. The Queen then withdraws and the visitors pass the

evening smoking, at billiards, or as they please. Her Majesty always breakfasts in private, and the visitors depart in the morning without meeting her.

TIRED MOTHERS.

A little boy, on his way to build fires and sweep offices in Boston, while the stars were yet in the sky, said: "My mother gets me up, builds the fire and gets my breakfast, and sends me off. Then she gets my father up and gets his breakfast and sends him off. Then she gives the other children their breakfast and sends them to school and then she and the baby have their breakfast." "How old is the baby?" I asked. "Oh, she is 'most two, but she can talk and walk as well as any of us." Are you well paid?." "I get two dollars a week, and my father gets two dollars a day." "How much does your mother get?" With a bewildered look, he said

Mother! Why, she don't work for anybody." "I thought you said she worked" for all of you." "Oh, yes for us she does. But there ain't any money in it." This wife of a day laborer represents a large class of hardworking women. The compensations of affection, the love of husband and children.

AVtsI Mto nn rv\.l.vr, MUUlb«|,]pt30 tjlOSS"

ings that come with and belong to the family life, can no more make up to a wife the loss of all money value for her service than they would to her husband if the same poverty or position were thrust upon him.

COULDN'T BEHAVE HERSELF. New Haven Register. A Saratoga correspondent overboard two young ladies talking, and tkis is what they said: "Well, I'm joing home to-morrow." "'What for, tray?"

Because I can't behave myself." "Well, out with it, Jennie, what have yoi been doing?" "Lots of things." "Wei, give ns tho first." "You know FrankKennedy, Nell?" "That soft, simperirg fellow, that always tells yon how clarming you look?" "Exactly. This morning I saw him coming, ana made u] my mind to take him down. I put mr diamond brooch in the chair, pin unvard, and asked him to sit down." "lie sat, of course, and what then?" "He junped up and yelled 'Oh, my 'Vhat's the trouble?' I asked. 'Nothing it particular, only I thought of an etgagement at this very moment you milt excuse mo.' And oft he went, and *ould you believe it, Nell, the broocl: was sticking to him." "That was awful Jennie," and the two girls giggled topther for five minutes. Nell oroke the spell by demanding: "What next?"

my

Boston

etc. -New York

4fvhy,

you see. I was talking with that nung sprig of a clergyman, th© H©V. Toi Parsons. We had nearly talked eactother

began to tea' him of' nty experiece at Rockaway. 'Did tfcwpo* Wteverv hard?' inquired, RQy.Thomas. Swish Mr. Parsons,* said I, 'you fcould SB my legs and judge for Vourself/" That waa a horrid speech, Jennie* Howtould you sav such a thing?'1 "Why, N|l, it poppea out before I knew it." JAnd what did Mr. Parsons say." "He blshed clean to bis eyes, and Iran away.'1

GOIN' HOME TO-DAY.

BY WILL CARLETON.

My business on the Jury's done-the quibbling all is through— I've watched the lawyers right and left, and given my verdict true: I stuck so long into my ohair, I thought I would grow in And If I do not know myself, they'll net me there ag'ln But now the court's ajouraed for good, and I have got my pay. I'm loose at last, and thank the Lord, I'm going home to-day.

I've somehow felt uneasy like, educe the Hist day I came down It is an awkward game to play the gentleman In town And this 'ere 8unday suit of mine on Sunday rightly sets But when I wear the stuff a week, it somehow galls and frets. I'd rather wear, my homespun rig of pepper, salt and gray— I'll have it offln half a jiff when I get home to-day.

The morning we came away we had a little bout I coolly took my hat and left before the show was out. For what I said was naught whereat she ought to take oflfense. And she was always quick at words and ready to commence But then she's first to give up when she has had her say: And she will meet me with a kiss when I go home to-day.

-i rf

I have no doubt my wife looks out as well as any one— As well as any woman could—to see that things are done. For though Melinda, when I'm there, wont set her foot outdoors. She's very careful when I'm gom, to tend to all the chores But nothing prospers half so well when I get off to stay, And I will put things int« shape when I get home to-day.

My little boy—I'll give'em leaf to match him if they can It's fun to see him strut about, and try to be a man The gamiest, cheeriest little chap you'll ever want to see! And then they laugh, because I think the ch llii resembles me. The little rogue! he goes for me like robbers

for their prey: my pockc home to-uay.

He'll turn

ets inside out when I get

My little girl—I can't contrive how it sliou!d happen thus— That God.should pick that sweet bouquet and fling It down to us! My wife she says that handsomo face will soon make a stir And then I laugh, because she thinks the child resem D' es her! She'll meet me half way down the hill, and kiss me anyway, And light my heart up with her smiles when

I go home to-day.

If there's a heaven upon the earth, a fellow knows it when He's been away from home a week, and then gets home again If there's a heaven above the earth, there often, I'll be bonnd. Some homesick fellow meets his folks, and hugs 'em all around. But let my creed be right or wrong, or be It as it may. My heaven is just ahead of me—I'm going home to-nay.

SELLING OIRLS IN SHEETS. Des Moiiies Register. Up at Clear Lake, that center of summer pleasure parties and Sabbath-school associations in Iowa, the churches became tired of the old stereotyped plans of raising money, and anew scheme was evolved from the inherconsciousness of some bright genius. The treasury of the Congregationalist Church became rather bare, and so the young folks got together and determined to ml it even to overflowing. After alorigdtsebssion they decided to bring about the desired end by putting all the girl* oi'uicii «uvMoiriii ut uisposodof to tho highest bidder. The time came around, and every young man in that part of Iowa in or near Clear Lake who bad any money or could possibly borrow any was

firomptly

on hand, eager to bid to the

ullest extent. But there were some of the girls on whom it would have been impossible to obtain the bid of an oldfashioned copper cent, while there were others for whom the love-sick swajns would willingly have bid there last dollar, and in spirit of Artemus Ward, the last dollar of any of thefr relatives. So to givo all the boys an equal chance, the girls were wrapped up in sheets, so as to be completely unrecognizable. Each young man was positive that beneath the showy folds of the sheet he could discern the outlines of the girl on whom he doted, and when from fifteen to twenty of the young fellows singled out one particular sheeted object on which to stake their fortunes, excitement ran high, and money ran out of pocketbooks like water down a slanting roof.

After all the fair ones were disposed of, the order was given to "haul up the sheets and then ensued an indescribable scene of mingled happiness and disappointment. Maidens who had been

fack

)urchased for a mere song, owing to a of bidders, turned out to be the best looking girls in town, while beings whose sylph-like appearance under a sheet excited the greatest admiration, and drew hard earned money from unwilling pocket books were found to be most commonplace creatures indeed. But all made the best of it, and the disappointed ones bore themselves bravely. Altogether the plan was a great succeas and as long as churches will raise mone by lottery nc hemes, why not adopt th method? It is barmlesa, and vet as productive of as much good to the partici pants as any game of chance we know of. It gives the homely girls and bashful boys an equal cbanoe with their respective opposites, besides resulting in a rand financial success,and we look for ts general adoption. To be sure, it is askinga good deal of modest, womanly, refined girls. But then church societies are always doing that!

ADIRONDACK MURRA1 New Haven Palladium. V. A. Fenner, formerly of Shetoan, writing from San Antonio, Texaeeays that among the noted residents of vicinity. Rev. W. H. H. Murray, "dirondack Murray," as be is cfcllea, isfere, a fallen giant, 'indeed, with none sooor as to do him reverence. When hged from Boston bis fair-haired private ecretary, a young lady, followed taisbrtunes, and has since lived with kn. Last year her heart-broken father cne for her, and after.a despairing efforto get her to return with hiin, whh proved ineffectual, the poor old rm, disgraced, broken in spirit. alone in te world, and almost penniless after long search for her, blew out his brafe at Murray's door. Only last Sundav Sunday, mark you -1 saw him at & Pedro Springs, unloading with his ow bands a wagon load of cedar ties that I had hauled from his little place for tl street railroad company. He was wit! out coat 'rest or dirty and ut MRS. KATK AIKINS, a wealthy lady of shorn, and it w«ould take a keen ey^ as mUlbn„ Pa., writei:

to

in bim the idolined preacher of one of thdreM|jn

TO CLEAN A BRUSSELS CARPET. First have the carpet well shaken, then tack it down in the room where it is to remain sweep it as thoroughly as possible take a pall of hot water, put in two tablespoonsful of pulverized borax wash the carpet all over the surface, using a flannel cloth. For grease spots or very dirty pla es, use a scrubbing brush freely, and very little soap, taking care to rinse the soap off well, after scrubbing: change the water quite often rub the carpet well with a dry cloth after washing, and open doors and windows seas to dry the carpet as qnickly as possible.

It was in a New England school. "What is the feminine of tailor?" asked a teacher of a class in grammar. "Dressmaker," was the prompt reply of a bright-eyed little boy.

"Rich foodlnd

high living, night parties, fashionable

t^e

proudest pulpits the Hob. high had been affecting my hilth ______ quite seriously. I commenced using INIUOKSTTOX and habitual costivenesittrown's Iron Bitters, and now I am as arise from weakness of the nerves andively as a young girl, and excel them all muscles of the stomach. Doe attenUoif endurance. It is more refreshing to the proper habit of life, in connectiortlian champagne, and its strengthening with the timely nse of Brown's Irortffects are lasting." Bitters, will strengthen the affected partiand ouicfely remove every symptom of IT is stated that the demand for white the disorder. hats in New York can hardly be filled.

frovility of

LIVING CURIOSITIES. New York Showman. "While fat boys and fat girls are extremely good-natured, and sociable and generous to a fault, the skeletons are an aggrieved, melancholy', peevish and saving lot. They avoid* making acquaintances in order to be able to hoard their earnings ana get ont of the business as soon as possible. A living skeleton is extremely difficult to get along with, because he always considers himself the most attractive curiosity in the show, and is constantly making demands accordingly. Most of them have come from Massachusetts, where they were rural school teachers or shopkeepers. They are usually well educated and ready with their tongue, especially when it comes to talking politics. Indeed, to talk politics is their especial hobby and amusement, and with theee discussions and reading they spend most of their time. Despite their thinness, they eat abont' as much as ordinary folks. The CMfeassian women resemble ordinary persons -more than other curiosities." "How^lo they amuse themselves?" "Well," the manager said, after a little hesitation, "I'll tell you something. There are no Circassian*women in this eountry. Those called Circassians are simply, pretty and shapely women who have married side-show managers or members of the troupe. They soak their hair in sour beer and then pose as Circassians." "Do curiosities generally earn much money?" "Some have very large salaries. The two-beaded woman gets 9600 a week Captain and Mrs. Bates, $500. Single

from

lants, if well known, get all the way $100 to $200. On the other hand, a new giant will get only |20. Fat boys, unless very famous, rarely command more than $50, while the salaries of dwarfs run, according to their intelli gence, up to |200."

CHRONIC AILMENTS.

In chronic ailments resulting from fixed bad habits of the body,the removal of the evil to be permanent, must necessarily be gradual. Good health is maintained and nourished by the proper attention to the requirements of the body, and the avoidance of excesses* It is wasted and destroyed by over-taxing the mind with study, anxiety, evil habits, intemperance, and vicious indulgences. Keep the body and mind nourished by using that friend of temperance and long life, that Queen of all health renewers, Dr. Guysott's Yellow Dock and Sarsaparilla, and nature will soon assert her mastery over disease.

THE JIM-JAMS.

A correspondent of the New York World tells all abont the sensation produced by jim-jams. This is the way he tackles the subject: "Delirium tremens! snakes! jim-jams! Yes, I've had touches of them. You want to know how it feels? I'll tell yon. "Yon have been drunk may bo a week, maybe more. At last liquor ceases to excite, brace up or tranquilizo. You drink a half pint of brandy. It has no more effect than so much water. Then ou are close on the horrors. Food won't elp you your stomach rejects it. Now your punishment commences. You can't sleep. You are weary. Oh, so weary, but thore is no rest. You are tired of thinking, yet the brain will think. ••You lie down, drop into a doze for a moment and wake up with a shock, as if touched by an electric wire. You are covered with perspiration. You get up and waiK the room, streets—walk, walk, and then fling yourself down, praying for a few moments' sleep. 'All this is for days, with people about you, and through nights. But no Chinese torturer, employed in keeping some miserable criminal awake until he dies, was ever more full of relentless vigilance than your abused nerves. Dreads indescribable seize upon you. Your hands have a sensation of being of enormous size. They do not look it. They feel it. Your head in like manner feels as if enormously puffed out. Then your breath comes spasmodically hot flashes strike at the region of the'heart all the blood seems to rush in that direction, and you fight aimlessly for life and expect to fall dead. This is tho commencement of the horrors. Now you are fixed for seeing rats and snakes and vermin."

DO NT GIRLS.

Don't think it noeessary for your happiness that every afternoon be spent in making calls or on the street shopping. Home is not a mere hotel wherein to eat and sleep—too dreary to bo endured without company from abroad homo work is not mere drudgery, but useful ministration to those wo love.

Don't mistake giggling for cheerfulness, slang phrases for wit, boisterous rudeness lor frank gayety, impertinent speeches for repartees. On tne other hand, don't be prim, formal, stiff, nor assume a "country face" eloquent of "prunes, potatoes, prisms," nor sit bolt upright in a corner, with hands, feet, eyeaand lips carefall posed for effect. An effect will be produced, but not one you wish. Nor yet sit scornfully reserved, criticising the dress, manners, looks, etc., of those around you. Make up your mind that your companions are, on the whole, a pretty nice set of people —if they are not, yon bad no business to come among them—that there is something to respect and like in each of them. Determine to have a nice time anyhow then do yonr part to make it so. Be genial, cordial and frank. If you can play aud sing ordinarily well, do* not refuse to take your share in entertaining your companions in this way. You cannot be expected to sing like a Nilsson or Kellogg. If you cannot play or sing, say so frankly, and do not feel humiliated. You probably excel in some other aceompiishment. fcven if you do not, you can possess that one grand accomplishment to which all others are accessories,—that of being "a lady"—a true woman, gentle and gracious, modest and lovable.

CONJUGAL AMENITIES. "Everything requires time don't hurry to speak,*' said the Italian Count Buondelamente, as he stood weeping and sobbing by the bedside of bis dying wife, who nad been faldng away for more than a year. "But I must hasten to tell my sin," gasped the wife. "lean not die without confessing that I have been unfaithful to my marnage vow, and that I have loved Count Malvazzi." "I know it well enough," replied the count, blandly, "and that is why I began to poison you from the moment he first entered the boose."

MRS. JA*E MKRBYTOK, of Paris, Ky., writes: "I have been cured of great sufand kid)its are now comfort in living. I *used only two bottles of Dr. Guysott's Yellow Dock and Sarsaparilla."

dQAPer Week can be mad« In any lor*JHom^thing entirely now fr flgf-nts. 55. outfit free, DK CO., Boston Mass.

3. W.lrftrftAIIAH spMoi,

'A MZKISTHR, bt-ing asked if he wot attend the funeral of a deceased churc] member, replied: "I will with pleasure!] He meant only to be.'polite, but the fort, of his answer was by some very tour11 persons constructed into an express of pleasure that the deceased was ii. condition to have funeral services sa ovor him. Another minister, havinj heard of the breeae which was stirred u] by the unlucky remark, replied to similar invitation and requeet: "It wU give me a melancholy jjleasnre to at. tend." This brother was criticised be] eausejof the air Of gloom he was pectea to throw into the funeral serviw The .'two brethren say that they a much at loss to know how to answer thl next applicant for funeral ministrai tions.

THB Troy Times tells how a cler^jj man cured a balky horse. He took I book and a lunch-basket along, anl when the horse, as usual, made a deaJ stop, fell to readins, and when the anl mal. tired of standing, started up, cri I "Whoa!" compelled him to wait I pleasure for a good share of tho day. cured tho balking.

Absence or prevalence of cockroach* in a house is a capital test of the cleanlij ness and neatness of those having cbargi of thesanitary management of the dwell ing. If any are soeu, be sure that bread crumbs or other food refuse are left ill ajartments, for roaches do not live oi^

A CLKRQYMAN who had just marriei| a couple felt indignant when the bride-J groom rave him a fee of only a haK doM far, smiled grimly, and said: "Never! mind, you'll have to pay a lawyer $1( for undoing what I have done."

IT is reported from Texas that nu! organist of an Austin church, one Sun day morning before service, asked hi pastor, "What shall I play?" Tho al) sent-mindod pastor replied: "I don't^ know I haven't seen your hand."

A GENTLEMAN of St. Louis named I Baby has applied for leave to change his] name to liar bee.

"IT'S NO USE," says the dospondoit^J dyspeptic. But it is of use. Your sufferings can bo relieved thousands have been cured, and you can also. Brbken down, desponding victims of dyspepsia, liver complaint, fever and ague, rheumatism, nervous debility or premature docay, will find inSiinmon8 Liver Regulator a vegetablo specific which reaches the source of tho trouble and effects an ab^ solute and permanent cure. It regulates the liver, dispels despondency and restores health.

CDiiiADK

ITOI*

RHEUMATISM,

Neuralgia, Sciatica, Lumbago, Backache, Soreness of tho Chest, Gout, Quinsy, Soro Throat, Swellings and Sprains, Burns and

Scalds, General Bodily Pains,

Tooth, Ear and Headache, Frosted Foot and Ears, and all other Pains and Aches.

No Preparation on earth equals 8T. JACOM Oit mfr, K**rrt, limple and cheap External JUmody. A trial nntaJU but tb« companUlraly trlfllnr ouUfty of 60 Cents, and «Twy ono •ufforing with pain can haro cheap and podtirt proof of it* ctalma.

DLraotlona in Bmn Lufupn. BOLD BT ALL DRUGOI8T8 AIB

DEALEB0

II KED10UTR

A. VOOZXER

SL

CO., V, B. A*

The Greai

Consumption Remedy.

BROWN'S

EXPECTORANT

Hao been t'sted in hundreds of comam. antI rvyver failed to arreat and eitre COSVMPTiOH, if taken in time.

It Cures Coughs, It Cures Asthma. It Cures Bronchitis. It Cures Hoarseness. It Cures Tightness of the Chest. It Cures Difficulty of Breathing

Brown'S ExpECTOt^N'i In specially Recommended for

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It tvill shorten the duration of thedl»eae« and alleviate the paroxysm of couching, wo a* to enable the child to pass through it without tearing any serious consequences.

PBICE, 50c and $1.00.

A. KIEFER,

Indiana)* Us, Ind.