Rensselaer Semi-Weekly Republican, Volume 41, Number 96, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 20 August 1909 — Page 6

HALF TRUE TALES OF THE STREET AND TOWN

Tit For Tat . An Irishman was sitting in a depot smoking when a woman came, and, sitting down beside him, remarked. "Sir,i if you were a gentleman, you would not smoke here.” "‘Mum,” he said, ‘‘if ye wuz a lady ye’d sit farther away.” Pretty soon the woman burst out 'again: “If you were my husband I d give you poison.” ' “Well, mum,” returned the Irishman, as he puffed away at his pipe, “if you wuz me wife I’d take it.” He Had Never Been To Sea Before. “Can you keep anything on your Stomach?” the ship doctor asked. “No sir”, he returned feebly, “nothing but my hand.” It’s a matter of common knowledge that “Bugs” Raymond, one of the pitchers on the staff of the Giants, hasn’t been one of our best little behavers all his life. The “Bug’s” liking for strong drink has almost become a proverb. Which inspired Bozeman Bulger, one of New York’s base ball writers, to tell this little story the other day. According to Mr. Bulger, the players were in the club house after the game and, as usual, were talking of everything but base ball. Some one started to talk about the manner in which money is squandered for the cheering stuff. "Hlteir~you,” said Tenny, who never tasted ’a <frop of liquor in his life. He persists in believing it is something like ipecac. “I think this liking for drink is mainly imagination. If whiskey and beer were free to all, not one man in a dozen would ever touch the stuff.”

“That’s right,” said Mathewson. “If beer ran in every river instead of water I don’t think the average man would want it. Every one would be blowing in his spare coin on mineral water.” Mr. Raymond thrust an interested bead out of the plunge. “What’s the chatter you’re spiling?” he asked. “I was just saying,” said Mathewson, “ that if beer ran in the rivers men wouldn’t bother it.” “Umph!” said Mr. Raymond. “Hump, hump! That may be so. But if beer ran in the rivers, I’ve a mighty strong notion that I’d be the first man to be drowned.” » —o— How the Preacher Butted lu. A clergyman was very anxious to introduce some hymn books into the church and arranged with the clerk that the latter was to give out the notice immediately after the sermon. The clerk, however, had a notice of his own with reference to the baptism of infants to give out. Accordingly, at the close of the sermon he arose and announced, “All those who have children whom they wishe baptised, please send in their names at once tq the clerk.” The clergyman, who was stone deaf, assumed that the clerk was giving out the hymn book

notice and immediately arose and said: “And I should say, for the benefit of those who have not any that they may be obtained at the vestry from three to four o’clock; the ordinary little ones at one shilling each, and special ones with red back at one shilling and four pence.” The fond husband was seeing his wife off with the children for their vacation in the country. As she got into the train, he said, “but my dear won’t you take some fiction to read?” “Oh, no!” she responded sweetly, “I shall depend upon your letters from home.” “According to this magazine,” said Mrs. Bifflngham, “sliced onions scattered about a room will absorb the odor of fresh paint.” “I guesß that’s right,” rejoined Bifflngham. “Likewise, also a broken neck will relive a man of catarrh.” According to Dr. Leo Meyer, one of his patients at the Manhattan hospital was an Irishman. He had been very ill for weeks. On the first day tbpt visitors were allowed, his friend ’ Callahan came to see him. Callahan, his tender heart torn by the thought of his friend's distress, had fortified himself thoroughly before entering the hospital. He came into the room where Patrick lay, white and wan. “Pat", says he, “Pat, my bhoyT Are ye feelin' a bit better, Patrick, dear.” Patrick opened one eye, and a beatific smile stole across his face. He feebly bent the finger that was outside the coverlid. “Come nearer,” he whispered. “No talk to me.” “Are ye feelin’ anny better T”

asked Callahan, bending over him solicitously. Patrick’s smile became ecstatic. • "What is it ye’re saying?” he askg& “I sas,” said Callahan, “are ye feelin’ better?” “How’s that?” asked Patrick. “How’s what?” roared Callahan. “Have ye gone nutty? I come in here to ask are yez feelin’ better, and all ye can do is to lay there on yer back and grin like a chessy-cat and whisper 'How’s that?’” * “Don’t be hard on me, Callahan,” said Patrick. “Sure, I been in the hospital for t’re weeks and in all that toime I’ve niver had a drink; and Calahan, me bhoy, your conversation is like a breath from heaven.” •—o Dorothy had received many admonitions about the bare of her clothes which were always unheeded. One night just as she was ready for bed her mother coming in found Dorothy’s clothes in a heap on the floor as usual. “Dorothy, you may say your prayers and then mother will have to punish you for not minding her about your clothes.” Having said this she stepped into the adjoining room and partially closed the door. In a few moments she heard Dorothy repeat “now I lay me” and after the Amen she heard this appeal: “And dear Lord, if ever you wanted to help a kid, now’s your chance.”

Every office in New York is barred against the subscription list fiend, and every office boy knows that it is as much as his job is worth to let one of them slip through the doors. But now and then they manage to get in by some specious pretext, and then it often happens that the victim gives up, not because he wants to, but beof them have the moral courage accause he is afraid to refuse. Not all credited to William Nelson Cromwell, the lawyer, in the story that is going about now. According to this tale, Mr. Cromwell was hard at work in his inner office, when the fiend stepped in. How he had managed to run the gauntlet of doorman, boys, clerks and stenographers passes comprehension. But there he was. “Good morning, Mr. Cromwell,” said he, with a sunny smile. Mr. Cromwell, his train of thought hopelessly derailed, his calculations scattered, looking up gruffly. “Do,” said he. The subscription fiend began his long-winded talk, winding on and on, and getting no nearer the point, Cromwell’s impatience rose to fever heat. “What-in-thunder-do-you-want ?” he demanded, angrily. “My dear Mr. Cromwell,” said the agent, soothingly, putting out one calming hand, and smiling more blandly than before, “I want you to give a little money—just a little money—to help save thousands of your fellowbeings from going to hell.” “I will not,” said Cromwell, returning to his work. “Get out.' There don’t half enough go there now.”

Soldier Balks Death Plot.

It seemed to J. A. Stone, a civil war veteran, of Kemp, Tex., that a plot existed between a desperate lung trouble and the grave to cause his death. “I contracted a stubborn cold,” he writes, “that developed a cough that stuck to me, in spite of all remedies, for years. My weight ran down to 130 pounds. Then I began to use Dr. King’s New Discovery, which restored my health completely. I now weigh 178 pounds.” For severe Colds, obstinate Coughs, Hemorrhages, Asthma, and to prevent Pneumonia it’s unrivaled. 50c and SI.OO. Trial botle free. Guaranteed by A. F. Long.

W. F. Hough, a former prison guard, sentenced a year ago for the theft of shirts from the prison shirt factory at Michigan City, was paroled Tuesday. He went to Muncie to join his wife and child.

The best remedy we know of in all cases of Kidney and Bladder trouble and the one we always can recommend, is DeWitt’s Kidney and Bladder Pills. They are antiseptic and at once assist the kidneys to perform their important work. But when you ask for these pills be positive that you get DeWitt’s Kidney and Bladder Pills. There are imitations placed upon sale to deceive you. Get DeWitt’s. Insist upon them, and if your dealer cannot supply you—refuse anything else in place of them. Sold by all druggists.

The German Lutheran synod, which has been In session at Laporte for a week, being attended by 600 delegates from Indiana, Ohio and Kentucky, adjourned Tuesday, after voting to hold the next synod in Cleveland, Ohio.

Benton County No Longer Dry.

Fowler Leader. •. Y. > Benton county is no longer dry. Johq W. Seibert, proprietor of a salopn, has reopened his saloon and will attempt« to make the county as wet as possible until his license expires the first Monday in November.

The county local option law, sl* though passed in September, was not published and distributed until the middle of November. Several lower courts have held that saloon licenses granted before November are affected ~ * —7 —■* fr — * '" the same as other saloon licenses by the county local option law which says that all saloons must close their doors ninety days after they are voted out. Others have held that licenses issued before November are not affected. Judgp West, of Crawfordsville, judge of the Montgomery county court, ruled that licenses issued before November are not affected by the option law. And it is no doubt upon this ruling that Seibert reopened. A test case is now before the supreme court of Indiana, and will be decided in a few days. If the supreme court should overrule Judge West’s decision, all saloon keepers who have kept open after the ninety day limit will be liable for every drink they sell. 2 Mr. Seibert closed his saloon about June 22nd after having consulted lawyers at Fowler and Indianapolis. The lawyefs told him that to be safe he had better close.

The Benton county people are anxiously awaiting the decision of the supreme court. It is not thought advisable to bring an action against Seibert until the matter has finally been decided. And also Seibert would be allowed to run open while the case was pending.

The reopening of the saloon saves the county from rebating Seibert on his license. The rebating was rather a complicated proceeding. The liquor fund of the county had been distributed into the school fund. The law states that the county must refund to the saloon keeper the unused part of his license, the payment to be made out of the liquor fund. The liquor fund of Benton county has been distributed. Upon the advise of State’s Attorney Bingham the county commissioners appropriated money from the county fund to repay Mr. Seibert on his license. Auditor Shipman could not see why the county should raise money for another fund, especially since that money had been used by the state. .■

How to Cure Skin Disease.

The germs and their poisons which cause the disease must be drawn to the surface of the skin and destroyed Zemo, a scientific preparation for external use, will do this and will positively cure Eczema, Pimples, Dandruff and every form of skin or scalp disease. See photos of many remarkable cures and show case or window display at Long’s drug store. Ask for sample.

Judge Henry C. Fox, of the Wayne circuit court, was prostrated by the heat Tuesday and was removed to his home in West Richmond. He is not believed to be in a serious condition, but may not be able to return to the bench for some time. Court was abrutly adjourned for an indefinite period.

Tfee republicans of Petersburg, Ind., Tuesday nominated the following ticket: Meredith Masters, city marshal; Joe Patterson, city clerk; Chas. Schaefer, treasurer. Masters was successful over his opponent, Thomas Whitney, by only one vote, and the selection has been contested by Whitney.

Th* Pennsylvania lines, of Pittsburg, recently placed an order for $3,000,000 worth of freight equipment. This makes $9,000,000 to be spent on freight equipment by the Pennsylvania, west of Pittsburg, this year.

Supt. Wood, of the Laporte city schools, Wednesday made the following statement: "Unless the board of health withdraws its condemnation of the basement of the high school as an unsuitable place for a school room, there will be no manual training department this year. We’ll just have to shut up shop.”

Mrs. Elizabeth McCoy was guest of honor Monday at a large family dinner, the occasion being her ninetyeighth birthday anniversary. About forty-five guests were present, five generations being represented. The dinner was given at the home of her daughter, Mrs. Martha Hadley, near Bloomington.

BIG SHOWS AT FAIR

Spectacular Events of Horses and Cattle at the Indiana Exposition Week of Sept. 6. PRIZES AMOUNT TO $25,566 j\ Elaborate Parades, Ring Shows, Baifar Concerts and Vaudeville Wilt Mark Rich Program of Night Shows in the Coliseum—Fine Contests Also in the Morning and Afternoon. With a coliseum .to match any in the country, and with a horse barn which cost 140,000, both offering splendid facilities for the purpose, the State Board of Agriculture has the incentive to organize its day and night shows on an extravagant scale for its State Fair at Indianapolis the week of September 6. The money prizes offered by the Indiana Fair and American associations of horse-breeders amount to over $13,4)00, and the silver cups, gold and silver medals which are to be offered in several special contests will bring the total worth of the premiums up to $15,000, a generous increase over the horse show prizes at the Indiana Fair in other years. Since the coliseum, with its immense arena, gay decorations and electric lights, was erected, the State Fair horse show has become far famed. It is year after year attended by many thousand people, and this feature of the fair gives promise of being the ruling spectacle of the coming exposition. The classes for horses include every kind that is held in high esteem by both breeders and admirers, ranging from the humble mule to the proudsprinted high school horse, from the lowly truck horse, with blue blood in his veins, to the nattiest roadsters. For the Percherons, Clydesdales. Belgians, shires and heavy draft horses, a total of $3,000 is offered in prizes, gold and silver medals will be awarded the best Percherons and Belgians, and silver cups and ribbons will go to the winners in special classes for shires. In coach horses. Including hackneys and Germans, the prizes reach $1,090. The premiums offered on mules amount to $370. The showing of harness horses is unusually good in the Fair’s premium list, the prizes offered being ample to cause a large number of contestants. The premiums for roadsters reach $450 and S2OO is offered for women who drive fancy turnouts. The sum of S6OO is offered for high-steppers and park horses, S2OO on tandems, SIOO on unicorns and S2BO on four-in-hands. In an effort to bring Into the arena of the coliseum the big show teams of the largest business concerns of the west, the Fair management offers prizes to the amount of $1,225. For two-horse delivery teams, hitched to wagons, $225 is offered, and as much more will be given on teams hitched to trucks; $325 on four-horse teams and truck, and $450 on six-horse teams hitched to heavy trucks. One of the richest divisions of the horse show will be for gaited saddlers, the total In prizes amountihg to SI,OOO and In addition a trophy worth SIOO will be awarded. The State Fair horse show Is always marked by many high school horses, $350 being offered for them at tjie coming Fair and S3BO for equestrians. The high-jumpers will receive $250 in prizes and $690 will go to the ponies. Many of the events in the horse show are for women drivers and riders and about every horsewoman of Indianapolis, with a number from over the state, will, as in other years, complete for the money awards and ribbons. The night shows at the Fair will be enriched by a parade of hundreds of horses and cattle, a spectacle that Js not outranked by anything of the kind glten in the United States. While the contests for ribbons are in progress, concerts will both afternoon and night be given by Natlello’s band of fifty men from Philadelphia, one of the conspicious concert organizations of the country, and by the Indianapolis Military band of thirty-five men. The livestock contests are to be supplemented by numerous hippodrome events. One of them is an acrobatic novelty by six performers. Another is a hazardous wire act by four performers. Nicholas Chefalo will “loop the death loop”; the LaTell sisters, the “flying fairies"; the Marco twins, in “a laughing fit”; two men in a thrilling bicycle act, and a Japanese troop of acrobats of the other attractions prominent in the hippodrome features, and several gifted high school Horses will be put through their paces with a woman in the saddle. The cattle shows will be held In the coliseum morning and afternoon. The combined prizes in the beef and dairy classes amount to $12,566, making total awards for the horse and cattle shows in the arena of the coliseum $26,566. Several national and Indiana associations of cattle breeders have Joined with the State Board of Agrl? culture in enriching the premiums. For shorthorns the prises arhount to $1,942; Herefords, $3,774, of which sl,959 is offered by the Indiana Hereford Breeders* association; polled Durhams, $1,021; Aberdeen-Angus, $1,231; GollOways, $601; red polled, $846; The cab tie show will culminate on Thursday ot Fair week in the contest for the grand championship, the prise for which is $100." Dutch belted cattle will be one of many features in the parades and arena shows of livestock.

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Professional Cards

DR. E. C. ENGLISH PHYSICIAN AND SURGEON Night and day calls given prompt at tention. Residence phone, 116. Offlc* phone, 177. Rensselaer, Xnd.

DR. L M. WASHBURN. PHYSICIAN AND SURGEON Makes a specialty of Diseases of the Eyes. Rensselaer, Ind.

DR. F. A. TURFLEH. OSTEOPATHIC PHYSICIAN Rooms 1 and 2, Murray Building. Rensselaer, Indiana. Phones, Office—2 rings on 300- reel dence —3 rings on 300. Successfully treats both acute and chronic diseases. Spinal curvatures a specialty. —.—-—i—_

DR. E. N. LOY Successor to Dr. W. W. Hartsell. Office —Frame building on Cullen street east of court house. HOMEOPATHIST OFFICE PHONE 89 Residence College Avenue. > none Rensselaer, Indiana.

J. F. Irwin S. C. Irwin IRWIN & IRWIN DAW, READ ESTATE AND INSUB ANCE. 6 per cent farm loans. Office In Odd Fellows' Block. Rensselaer, Indiana.

ARTHUR H. HOPKINS DAW, DOANS AND READ ESTATB Loans on farms and city property, personal security and chattel mortgage Buy, Bell and rent farms and city property. Farm and city fire insurance Office over Chicago Bargain Rensselaer, Indiana.

E. P. HONAN ATTORNEY AT DAW Law, Loans, Abstracts, Insurance and Real Estate. Will practice in all the courts. All business attended to with promptness and dispatch. Rensselaer, Indiana.

HOSES LEOPOLD ATTORNEY AT DAW ABSTRACTS, BRAD ESTATE, XESITBAEOE. Up stairs, northwest corner Washington and Van Rensselaer Streets. Rensselaer, Indiana.

Trank Volts Charles a. SpiUex FOLTZ * SPITLEB (Successor* to Thompson ft Bros.) ATTOUTIITI AT LAW Law, Rni Estate, Insurance. Abstracts and Loans. Only set of Abstract books in County. J. W. HORTON, ' DENTIST Opposite the Courthouse Rensselaer, IndL H. L. BROWN Bimß Crown and Bridge Work and Teath Without Plates a Specialty. All the latest methods in Dentistry- Oas administered for painless extraction. Office ovqr Larch's Drug Store.

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