Rensselaer Semi-Weekly Republican, Volume 41, Number 88, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 23 July 1909 — HALF TRUE TALES OF STREET ADD TOWN, [ARTICLE]

HALF TRUE TALES OF STREET ADD TOWN,

- ■ -■ - tt Gossip. A certain minister had a little daughter six years old named Helen. One evening they were entertaining company at dinner and Helen* was naughty. Her mother said: “Helen, you must go right up-stairs and ask God to forgive you.” Helen went very reluctantly. After a time she came back and took her place quietly at the table. Her mother said: “Well, Helen, did you ask God to forgive you?” “Yes, I did,” said Helen, rather shortly. Her mother waited a moment, then said: “What else did you say?” “I said, please don’t tell Mrs. God or it will get all over heaven.” Robert J. Burdette is even more popular and successful as a clergyman than he used to be as a humorist. A young divine of Los Angeles, praising Mr. Burdette, said the other day: “Humor is spontaneous with him. I remember one day, I asked him for advice on preaching, and he rattled gaily off: “ ‘Never be goody goody. Never say, for instance, “I was reading last evening in dear Hebrews.” “ ‘Keep your pictures accurate. I once heard an, old minister picture Noah as sitting out in front of the Ark reading his Bible.” “ ‘Be simple in the pulpit, as well as friendly out of it, or the old ladies will describe you as invisible on week days, and incomprehensible on Sundays.” Two customers, a man and a woman who visited a cheap restaurant in St. Paul, were startled when they gave their orders and heard the waiter in turn shout them through a small window to the cook. "Give me two eggs fried on one side and three slices of crisp broiled breakfast bacon,” ordered the man. “Two cackles slapped in the face and three squeals crisp,” howled the waiter; while the woqpn looked n wn n ' 1 S , ... . . agiiaott “And your’s, madam?” said the waiter, innocent of creating any sensation. “I’d like a steak well done covered with onions,” she replied. “One steak cremated and suffocated” yelled the waiter. , “What would you like to drink?” The woman ordered a cup of coffee with cream, two lumps of, sugar and of course a spoon. The man wanted a cup of coffee without cream. Here is what the waiter ordered: “Cup of mud, two chunks of ballast, milk the Jersey and throw in a piece of scrapiron; draw another in the dark.”

She Lived In Pittsburg Too. It was her first ball game. She lived in Pittsburg, too: Yet there she sat in the crowded grand stand, gasping out at her home team battling against the Chicago Cubs for the pennant. “Harry,” she inquired, during a lull in the excitement, “which is the great Wagner?” Her escort gallantly pointed out the famous Pittsburg shortstop. “My!” exclaimed she, after scanning Honus’ how-legged figure awhile, “who’d ever think that man could write operas!” Pat had been at work for thre#> days digging a well and as the foreman wanted it finished within the week he had promised Pat another man to help him. It was getting on for 11 o’clock and Towser, the foreman’s bulldog, was looking over the edge of the pit, when Pat to himself “Smoke-o.” He had just filled his pipe, and was about to light it when he glanced up and beheld Towßer’s handsome features. Slowly removing the pipe from his mouth, he said: “Be e-egorra, Oi’ve wor-rked wid Germans and Hengar-rri-ans and Oi’ve wor-rked wid Oitalians and naygers, but if a man wid a face like that comes down here to work besoide me, I gets up.” Consolation. Hush, little Bulldog, Don’t you cry, You’ll be a Wlnerwurst Bye and bye! Color Blind. Servant—“A pound of tea for the missus.” .1 Grocer—“ Green or black?” Servant—“ Sure, ayther will do. She’s as blind as a bat!”