Rensselaer Semi-Weekly Republican, Volume 41, Number 86, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 16 July 1909 — HALF TRUE TALES OF THE STREET AND TOWN [ARTICLE]

HALF TRUE TALES OF THE STREET AND TOWN

One little, old black skunk, not as large as a rabbit, can stink up'a drove of a thousand sheep, and then trot oft with its tail over its hack. In like manner, one long tongued, lying, gossip can stir up a whole town and besmirch the fairest characters in it and trot off unharmed. Of the two we had rather be the skunk, for the gossip is sure to go to hell, but the skunk won’t. i —o —■ The cat was being pursued by Patrick around and around the'kitchen. A sudden turn in , the chase landed it “kerplunk” into the crock containing the pancake batter. It scrambled out barely in time to escape a blow from the poker wielded by Patrick, and shot out into the yard. “Lave the poor baste go,” begged Biddy, seeking to make peace. “The batter ain’t hurt in the laste. Every place he touched it has stuck to him.” —o — A Kansas preacher likes to tell this story on another member of the “cloth.” This other person missed his train once because he relied on his watch. “I can scarcely believe it” he said, as he looked dismally after the train just disappearing. “I had such faith in that watch.” “Well, it seems to me,” remarked his companion, “that this is a case for good works rather than for faith.” A Luverne teacher put this question to one of the boys in her school: "If your father gave your mother $7 today and $8 tomorrow, what would she have?” To which the boy promptly replied, “A fit!” A man reported to be rich, died penniless and left his will; “In the name of God, Amen. There’s only one thing I leave. I leave the earth. My relatives have always wanted it. They can have it.” —o —- When a hog goes to the large packing houses at six and a half cents a pound and comes out bacon at ••twen-ty-one cents a pound he is not the only hog in the transaction. , 4 Nurse—Yes, Tommy, you must keep your mouth shut when you’re in the water or else you’ll swallow some of it. Tommy Huh! What if I do? There’s lots more in the pipes, ain’t there? They say her married life was one long series of battles. Yes, she always refers to her alimony as her pension. “For years,” said John Considine, “Ike Smith had owed me eleven dollarss. I used to dun him for it off and on, but I finally gave it up. It was quite evident that Ike had no intention of paying me, although he had plenty of money. I hadn’t seen Ike for some time when it happened we were both passengers on the steamer Epluribus, returning from Europe. Smith came up with a grin and handshake, and I stood for both. We mixed around in more or less the same company on the way back. About half way across we ran into q horible storm. The steamer stood on its head most of the time, and rolled like an empty barrel. All the passengers were sick, and more than that, they were frightened to death. We were all convinced that the ship would never see the light of another sun. Having determined that if I must die, I would at least die with comparative comfort I had gone to my state room and gone to bed. I was in an uneasy, shuddering doze when a thundering knock at the door woke me up. I thought the officers had come around to tell us it was all off. ’Who’s there?’ I called. ‘lt’s me,’ replied a quavering voice; ‘Smithie.’ I got up and staggered over to the door and let him in. He was pale as death and stood there clutching the door casing with one hand. In the other he had a bundle of greenbacks. ‘Here’s your eleven dollars, John,’ he groaned. The ship took a wild swoop. ‘Oh, Lordie,’ he yelled, reaching into his pocket. ‘And here’s a five dollar bill for interest Johnnie dear.’ I took the money, of course. ‘But what,’ I asked him, ‘makes you return this to me now? You’ve had plenty of chanceß before.’ ‘Shucks,’ said Smithie, as sarcastically as he could for swallowing, ‘we wpren’t going to be drowned before.’ ” Robert Clark, §0 years old, one of ITifl pioneers of Chicago and Cook county, died Sunday at his home.

The Elgin, Joliet ft Eastern belt line, which extends east as far as Porter, has certified to an increase of capital stock from $6,000,000 to $lO,000,000. This is done to cover the additional property obtained under the plan whereby the Chicago, Lake Shore ft Eastern railroad was taken over by the former road.