Rensselaer Semi-Weekly Republican, Volume 41, Number 86, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 16 July 1909 — Lawn Fete Perils [ARTICLE]

Lawn Fete Perils

"Where to tonight?" asked Archie, cheerily, as he came up from the dining room in the boarding house and discovered Willie, his roommate, wrestling with a high collar and other indications of a butterfly career near at hand. Willie gave another desperate tug at the refractory end of the collar, hooked it over the button a!nd drew a long breath of relief before he answered. “I thought I’d drop around to that little lawn party over on the boulevard,” said Willie. “I believe they rather expect me from the warmth of the invitation I got. I told you about that, didn’t I?’’ Hi& smile of gratification faded a bit as he turned and • encountered Archie’s stern look of disapproval. “There you go!” said that worldly young man. “After all the trouble I’ve taken trying to lead you into proper paths! The moment my head is turned you’re gallivanting off to ice cream socials on lawns! I thought I had you framed up on the lawn fete proposition so you didn’t dare walk on the grass. And here you are, actually putting your head into the lion’s mouth and taking chances that may wreck your whole career.” “Oh, it isn’t as bad as that, I hope,” said Willie, carefully examining an imaginary spot on the front of his white vest. “I suppose a fellow can mingle with human beings once in a while without hurting anything.” “Back up," said Archie, warningly. “That’s the line of talk they all begin on and it lands every one of ’em sooner or later. ‘Mingling with human beings’ and ‘Living the life of a hermit’ and all that sort of stuff! They jolly themselves along in the belief that they can back out when they find they are getting in over their depth, but you’ll find there’s no lifesaving boat ready to dash to the rescue when you begin giving your signals of distress. "Not on your life. It’s a case of sink or swim when you get into the social whirl, my boy. I'm trying to reach you before you go down for the third time.” Willie smiled in a superior sort of way and gave his scarf an approving little pat as he surveyed it in the mirror. “I’m afraid you’re a bit cynical,” he suggested. “Cynical!’’ echoed Archie. “Not a bit of it. Only I’ve been standing on the sidelines watching the game so long that I hate to see a good fellow go wrong. Why I knew a young chap about your age a few years ago, and after he once got started he didn't last four months. lie began with this ice-cream social thing, too. It looked innocent—the way a man learns to play poker after he has monkeyed with whist and cinch for a few years. He went along from the lawn fete to the Saturday night hop and then he got reckless and before his friends could butt in and drag him back to safety he was up against afternoon teas and junior proms and low neck receptions and the whole blooming show —he didn’t make any limit at all. Then, while a few of us were doing what we could to sort of brace him up and make a man out of fyim again, he slipped and fell and it was all off. He was lost forever.” “What happened to him?’.’ inquired Willie, with unusual interest. "Married!” blurted Archie, with horror depicted, in every bachelor lineament. “Think of it —married! And with his whole life before him!” "Oh, there isn’t danger of anything like that in my case,” protested Willie, taking a surreptitious flash at himself in the mirror to be certain that he was looking his best. “Isn’t there, though?” said Archie, warmly. "That’s the trouble with you young fellows —you’re always too cock sure of yourselves until it’s everlastingly too late. “Say, you remind me of the boy who thinks because he’s never been held up that he is in no danger and the very night he blows about it at the club or somewhere he has a 45 bounced off his skull on his way home. You’re taking chances all the time, you know, and when you deliberately go to one of these lawn fete things it’s like hanging a sign on yourself that says, ‘Come on. I’m easy.’ “When you go to this affair tonight for instance, provided you are reckless enough to take a chance after I’ve tipped you on all this stuff, you’re taking your life in your hands. The minute you get inside the gate they drop a flag on you. Some kindly old lady will hook on to you before you have gone five feet inside the ’ grounds and will see that you do not make a getaway until after the last race 1b run and that you have a little bet down on every event on the lengthy program they havW provided. Tuking a firm grasp on your bridle, she will back you into a box stall, where you will find a charming young woman In a white dress. They always wear white dresses at these lawn affairs because they look so much younger in white —sort of a reminder of commencement day. This young woman will have an inordinate disproportionate and positively fierce capacity for ice cream; Bhe will also 'have upward-looking eyes—the kind that are so soulful when you are

Standing over her and gazing Into their blue and dreamy depths.’’ “Oh, I don’t expect any such luck as that,” said Willie, carefully brushing his best hat and preparing to escape, “Still, it wouldn’t be such a fearful fate, I believe.” “Just as I feared," said Archie mournfully. “You are going willingly to your doom. I can see it from here. After you have filled up this yawning void In female form -with ice cream and cake and lemonade and other dyspeptic truck, you will learn that she has taken a deep interest in you. “You see. she’ll discover in the first 10 minutes that you live in a boarding house and she will fairly ooze sympathy for your hapless, forlorn condition. You won’t have time to tell her all about it this evening, but you’ll promise to call at your first opportunity. Then, inside of two weeks, she’ll have you hooked, strung and hung over the side of the boat. You don’t believe this now, of course,” concluded Archie, “because you have not met her. But when you stub your toe, remember I warned you." “Well, I really don’t believe things will turn out this evening exactly as you have predicted.” said Willie, with a wise smile. “You’re a little bit off this time.” “Why do you think so?” asked Archie, languidly filling his pipe. “If you must know,” replied Willie, “the young woman for whom I intend buying a moderate amount of ice cream already knows about my hapless bachelor condition and we wonit waste time discussing it tonight things to talk about.” —Chicago News, when there are so many interesting