Rensselaer Semi-Weekly Republican, Volume 41, Number 80, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 25 June 1909 — HALF TUBE TALES OF THE STREET AND THE TOWN. [ARTICLE]

HALF TUBE TALES OF THE STREET AND THE TOWN.

Wasted Oratory. , ;i A young curate who had recently taken orders was appointed to a church where the vicar was extremely energetic, so much so that when he had heen there six months he never had a chance of preaching. This, he thought was hard lines, as he felt sure that he had the making of a great orator in him. One day, however, his vicar told him that there would be a child to christen the next Sunday afternoon and that he (the vicar) would be engaged elsewhere and it would be left for the curate to conduct the service, “Now,” he thought to himself, “if I am not allowed to preach, I will at least avail myself of the opportunity to let some portion of the congregation know what my oratorical powers are.” The eventful afternoon arrived; the child’s father, mother, uncles, and aunts, godfather and godmother stood round the font. The services went very well until he had to take the child in his arms. He took hold of it as if it were a torpedo, and then delivered himself of this oration: “My dear brethren, before I proceed to christen this child, I would like to address a few words to the sponsers as to its future welfare. It is an old saying and true one that the child is father to the man. Now, this infant I hold in my arms may if properly trained, rise to great eminence. He might one day, if well brought up, get into parliament and become a second Balfour or Campbell Bannerman and pass such laws as would benefit the whole British Empire; or again he might become a great soldier and emulate the deeds of Kitchner or Lord Roberts. Should he go into the church he might eventually become Arch-bishop of Canterbury or a great missionary, and be the means of converting thousands of souls. “If he entered the medical profession, why should he not be a Jenner or a man like Harvey, who discovered the circulation of the blood? Should he turn his attention to commerce, what is there to prevent him from becoming Lord Mayor of London? “As a scientific man he might be a Newton or an Edison. What is the child’s name?” “Mary Ann, please, sir.” The baby fell into the font. The Only Perfect Couple. She was a widow and her second venture was a widower. He was a gentle soul and hand’t much to say in response when his wife had a great deal to remind him of, especially when she compared him with her former, but when he did speak it counted. One night he went to sleep while she was telling him the old, old story. She followed him shortly. Along in the middle of the night she was awakened by his uneaßy turning. “John,” she said, “are you awake?” “Yes, Susan," he replied softly. “What’s the matter?” “Oh, nothing, Susan; I was just thinking if your first had married my first they would have been the only perfect couple on.earth.” Then he went to sleep again—while she was talking. • ... All-ways. “What makes it fly so?” asked a little Boston maiden as her mother brushed her hair. “It’s electricity. Don’t you know there’s electricity in your hair?” replied her mother. “Well, mamma, aren’t we wonderfully made? Here I am with electricity in my hair, and grandma has got gas In her stomach.” The Patch As a Guide. A New Englander recently had occasion to engage a gardener. One morning two applicants appeared—one a decidedly decent looking man, and the other of much lesg, preposessing appearance and manner. After very little hesitation the man of the house chose the latter applicant. A friend who was present .evinced surprise at the selection, asking: “Has that man ever worked for* you before?” “No,” replied the other; “in fact I never saw' either of them until today.” "Then why did you choose the shorter man? The other had a much bettjr face.” ’ A “Face!” exclaimed the .proprietor of the place In disgust. “Let me tell you that, when you pick a gardener, you want to go by his overalls. If they’re patched on the knees you want him. If the patch la on the seat of Ids trousers, you don’t."