Rensselaer Semi-Weekly Republican, Volume 41, Number 62, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 23 April 1909 — HALF TRUE TALES OF PEOPLE AND THINGS. [ARTICLE]

HALF TRUE TALES OF PEOPLE AND THINGS.

Thanks to the Burglar. The dark lantern flashed through the flat. Then came the gleam of a revolver. “Hands up!” hissed the head of the family. “You’re a burglar “Y-yes,” gasped the intruder, as he faced the cold steeL “What have you stolen?” “Your wife’s pug dog.” “H’m. Er—if that’s all you may sneak out quietly.” “And your mother-in-law’s parrot.” “You don’t say. Well, here is some loose change.” “And your daughter’s phonograph.” “Good! Here’s some more loose change.” ■ “Also your son’s punching bag.” “What! Great Scott, man, come out to the library and I’ll open a special bottle.” ,

Generous Lawyer. —A Boston lawyer tells this story on another lawyer named Ames, who was retained as counsel for a man who stepped in a hole in the street and broke his leg. Suit was brought against the city in the sum of SI,OOO, and Ames won the case. The city appealed to the Supreme Court. But here also the verdict was in favor of Ames’ client. After settling up the claim, Ames handed his client a silver dollar. “What is this for?” asked the man. “That is what is left after taking out my fee, the cost of appeal, and other expenses.” The man regarded the dollar a moment, then looked at Ames. “What is the matter with this?” he asked. “Is it bad?”

Sharp Retort “My dear,” said a thin little Brighton man to his wife, “this paper says that there is a woman down in .Devonshire who goes out and chops wood with her husband.” “Well, what of it? I think she could easily do it if he is as thin as you are. I have often thought of using you to peel potatoes with.” The thin man laid down his paper with a sigh that sounded like the squeak of a penny whistle.

It Had Been Tried. The police-court magistrate of a town in southern Kentucky was walking down the street one November evening with his friend, John Markham, a distiller. “Judge,” said Mr. Markham, “have you ever tried my number one brand of Old Markham?” “No, John,” admitted the Judge, “but I tried three men in court this morning who had tried it.”

The Kingdom Saved. When Barry Sullivan, the Irish tragedian, was playing “Richard III,” one night, and the actor came to the lines, “A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse!” some merry wag in the

pit called out; “And wouHn't a jackass do as well for you?” “Sure, answered Sullivan, turning like a flash at the sound of the voice, “Come around to the stage door at once!”

Kansas is so honest it is painful. A local editor announces that he lost his umbrella, advertised the fact, and requested the finder to keep it. He reports “The finder did so.” Which also proves that advertising pays, even in Kansas. «

With the Other Crumbs. “Confound that waiter’s Insolence!” said Mr. Tightwad. “What’s the matter?” “When I laid a nickel on the table he swept it into a crumb tray.” Hubble—My dear, if I cannot leave the office in time for dinner tonight I will send you a note by a messenger. Wise —You need not go to that expense, George, for I have already found the note in your pocket. .

From Bad to Worse. ' He had pleaded the “detained at the office" excuse so often that they had become transparent, so when he arrived home late on a recent evening he determined to lean on the truth. “You’ve been drinking!” said his Indignant wife. “Selina, m’ dear, I can not tell a lie —l—” stammered the delinquent. “Then you’re even more Intoxicated than I thought. Go to bed.” It Shrank. A man bought a pair of red flannel undershirts on the clothier’s assurance that the garments would not shrink. Within a tew weeks he returned to enter a protest. “Have any trouble with them?” in-

qulred the clothing man. , *' “Oh, not much; only one mornink when I was dressing my wife looked up and asked, ‘John, where did you get that pink coral necklace?”’ Aiderman ’Reggy Doull and Pat Dowling got into a debate the other day upon the need of a greater navy. “I’m wit Rosenfelt,” said Dowling. “We nade a bigger navy. No nation c*h be great wit’out a great navy. None of ’em ever have.” “Ah’h,” said Doull, fiercely, “what talk have youse? Look at Ireland and the Jews —and thlm wit’out a rowboat betune ’em.”

Mother looked out of the window to see what caused the scuffling on-the front porch. “Oh! You naughty boy! stop pulling that poor cat’s tall,” she said to her four-year-old. "I’m not pulling it, Mamma,” he said innocently,,“l’m only holding on. The cat is doing the pulling.”

Johnnie (to Hew visitor) —"So you art my grandma, are-you?” Grandmother—“ Yes, Johnnie! I’m your grandmother on your father’s side.”

Johnnie —“Well, you’re on the wrong side, you’ll find that out.”

Ragon, of the Lowell Tribune, is in trouble again. In making up his paper last week several birth notices were placed under the heading “What Society is Doing.” Of course it created numerous comments and he has left town until it blows over.

The Bank Advertiser, Lisbon, lowa, says “There are four rules in advertising that must be strictly adhered to: Ist, advertise; 2nd, advertise; 3rd, advertise, and 4th, deliver the goods.” The Lady—Little boy, don’t you know smoking will shorten your life? The kid—Shucks! Wot do I care? I’ve seen every’ting dere is.