Rensselaer Semi-Weekly Republican, Volume 36, Number 81, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 3 June 1904 — SHEAR NONSENSE [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

SHEAR NONSENSE

“Are you the waiter who took my order for that chop?” “Yessir.” “Bless me, how yOu have grown!” “She says, she is very fond of music.” “Instrumental?” “Well, it’s instrumental in making the neighbors swear when she gets at the piano.’!— Exchange. Jinkins—How is your son getting along in his literary labors? Jorkins —Oh, famously! You should see how gracefully he carries his pen behind his ear.—Boston Transcript. Tonsorial Artist —Your hair seems to be coming out. Freshman—Yes, it Is. Tonsorial Artist —Tried our hair tonic? Freshman—Yes, but that didn’t do it, though.—Yale Record. “How hollow it sounds!” said a patient under the movement cure, as the physician was vigorously pounding his chest. “Oh, that’s nothing!” said the doctor; “wait till we get to the head.” Alice (aged 5) —Mamma, my appetite says it’s time for dinner. Mother —Well, dear, go and see what the clock says. Alice (some seconds later) —The clock says my appetite is ten minutes fast! Husband—-What! A hundred dollars for an opera cloak? Why, it is perfectly ridiculous, my dear. Wife— Yes, I know it is; but you said you couldn’t afford au expensive one. —Chicago Daily News. Teacner Johnny, write on the blackboard the sentence “Two heads are better than one.” Now, Johnny, do you believe that? Johnny—Yes’m. ’Cause then you kin get a job in a dime museum and make lots o’ money.

“At what age do you consider women the most charming?” asked the inquisitive female of more or less uncertain age. “At the age of the woman who asks the question,” answered the man, who was a diplomat.—New Yorker. Howes—Don’t like this cold weather, eh? Why, only last summer you were complaining of the heat. Barnes —Not of the heat itself, but rather because'of. its untimeliness. It would be all right if reserved for such weather as this. —Boston Transcript. “You may turn up your nose at me, Martha Ann Billiwink, but I want you to remember It’s leap year, and Kit Garllnghorn is trying to get me away from you.” “Well, I’ll jqst show the freckle-faced thing she can’t do that— George dear!”—Chicago Tribune. “Father,” said Kathle, “how much does a quite small bottle of ink cost?” “You can get one for a penny,” answered father. “A penny!” exclaimed Kathie, in great disgust. “And mummie made an awful fuss when I upset the llttlest bottle in the cupboard!” “Aren’t you ashamed of your indolence ” “Indeed, I am,” answered Meandering Mike. “I’ve been trying to do something for it.” “What?” “I’ve been takln’ de faith cure. I’ve been choppin’ make-believe wood wit’ an imaginary ax."—Washington Star. Newltt —Well, there’s one thing about the weather. It’s always a safe topic of conversation. Borroughs—l thought it was to-day when I met Lendham, but when I started to speak of it he said, “Yes, it’s unsettled, and that reminds me of that account of yours.” “Dear,” said the politiclau’s. wife, “there’s a handsome big policeman whose beat embraces Mrs. Swellman’s house. Can’t you get him transferred to this neighborhood?” “What for?” demanded her husband. “Mrs. Swellman has an excellent cook and I want her.” —Philadelphia Press. The officers of a British man-o’-war were entertaining their friends with a grand lunch and In attendance were some typical British tars. A young lady, wanting a piece of bread looked behind her chair at one of the sailors in waiting, and asked him to bring her what she wanted. But he drew himself up, stiff and stern, and, to her amazement, replied, “Can’t do it, miss; I’m told off for taturs.”

An Up-to-Dato Village.—“Do you have a good lecture course here during the winter?” was asked of the manager of the Higginsville Lyceum. “Indeed we do,” he answered; “and next season we expect to outdo all previous records. So far we have booked one ransomed tnlssionary, one reformed gambler, one troupe of trained animals, one converted heathen, one moving picture machine and one professional personator. We may take on a college professor who wants to apeak about the tendency of modern literary thought, but I don't know. It’s pretty hard to keep the course on the same high plane of thought throughout."—Judge. The Other Side of the Story: Singleton—What's the trouble, old man; you look all broke up. Wederly—You would doubtless look broke up, too, if you had a mother-in-law like mine, and she Singleton —Ha! The old, old story; she's coining to spend a few weeks with you, I suppose. Wederly (sadly)—No; on the contrary, she has been with Us two months, nnd to-day she was compelled to return home. She nursed my wife through a bad case, of fever, took care of the bajjy; attended to the household- duties, mended my clothes, and. loaned me five dollars on three different occasions. Oh, I tell you, that woman is an earthly angel If there ever was one —Et