Rensselaer Semi-Weekly Republican, Volume 36, Number 75, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 13 May 1904 — SHEAR NONSENSE [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

SHEAR NONSENSE

Englishwoman—Have you been to Westminster Abbey yet? Fair American—No; but I hear it highly spoken of. —Ex. Visitor—Has your little baby sister got any teeth? Tommy—Oh., yes! I guess she’s got ’em, but she' ain’t hatched ’em out yet.—Philadelphia Ledger. “What do you think of my death scene?” asked the actor. “Well, it seemed to me it came a little too late in the piece,” was the reply.—Chicago Evening Post. Daily Guide to Fhiftery.—lf you meet a woman who strongly suspects that she is a beauty, ask her earnestly if all her familyeare beautiful. —Baltimore American.

Dorothy—So Jack kissed you, ehl Did you give him any encouragement? Judia—Encouragement! Say. I guess you don’t know Jack, do you! —Philadelphia Ledger. Anything To Blame It On.—Mother —Johnny Jones, did you get that awful cold out skating? Son —Mother. I think I caught it washing my face yesterday morning.—J udge. The Empress of China —What is that strange noise I hear? The Minister of the Intarior—lt is the bottom dropping out of the New York stock market, your majesty.—Life. Stimulation.—Biggs—l understand that young Briefly has taken up the law since he married. Diggs—Very likely. I understand that his wife lays it down to him.—Chicago News. Willie—Pa, you don’t get chestnuts until after there’s a frost, do you? Pa —Except in the case of a farce-com-edy, my son. Then the chestnuts come first and the frost afterward.—Philadelphia Press. A Physician’s Blunder. —Dr. Jinks —I suppose must have lost some of your patients by being away for so long a time? Dr. -Kent—Yes, confound it! Ten or a dozen of them got well. —Boston Transcript. Small Consolation.—The Landlady— I’m afraid Mr. Slopay has forgotten wffat a large bill he owes me. The Star Boarder —No, he hasn’t. He said only yesterday that he wished he had money enough to move.—Judge.

Miss Pepprey—l suppose that was your valet I saw with you yesterday. Cholly—My deah Miss Peppwey, don’t say “valet.” That word, you know, is not used now as— — ■ Miss Pepprey —Well, then, your “keeper.”—Ex. Miss Howjames (at the opera)— Hasn’t she a marvelous technique? Mr. Cahokia —Yes, but she doesn't —er —seem to know how to manage it gracefully. She gives it a sort of kick when she turns around.—Chicago Tribune. “My gracious! What a crush!” gasped the shopper; “I’m nearly dead.” “Permit me, madam,” said the floorwalker, politely, “to call your attention to our undertaking department in the basement.” —Philadelphia Ledger.

Mr. B. —My dear Mrs. Croesus, may I not put your name down for to Professor course of lecBuddhism? Mrs. C. —Oh, by all means! You know how passionately fond I am of flowers.”—Pick-Me-Up. Mrs. Jilson—Foreign newspapers contain many advertisements of titles for sale by members of noble families. Old Jilson —They should advertise for sealed proposals from American heiresses; this is leap year.—Detroit Free Press. Laying Down the Law. —Lady (entertaining friend’s little girl)—Do you take sugar, darling? The Darling— Yes, please. Lady—How many lumps? The Darling—Oh, about seven, and when I’m out to tea 1 start with cake. —Punch.

Mr. Milyuns—Now, Tommy, you must go to school and work hard. Why, look at me! I started without a cenL and now I’m a millionaire. Tommy—Yes, I know; but you can’t do it any more. They all have cash registers now.—Ex. “Living at Swamphurst, eh? That's up the river, isn’t it?” “Yes.” “Ate your grounds near the water?” “Well, sometimes they’re ns much as six Inches from the surface, and on rare occasions there’s no water on them at all.” —Philadelphia kt?<Tger. A Shrewd Wife.—Sra Greene—l hope you trust your husband implicitly? Mrs. Brown —Ob, yes, indeed; but I wouldn't have him know It for the world. If he were aware of my perfect trust In him he might be tempted to take advantage of it, you know.” — Boston Transcript. Exercise for Both.—Does your wife go In for athletics?” “Um—yes, in a way- She went our yesterday to take exercise; said she was going to walk up a long hill.” “And she did?” “No; she got into the dry-goods district and ran up a long bill instead. You can easily see that I am the one who was exercised.” —Kansas City Journal. A Count of Boundless Nerve.— Count Nottapennl— Las’ night Lglva ze Ifiptle heent.to Miss Roxley rat I vould like she should marry wlz me. Ascudi —And did she give you any encouragement? Count Nattapeunl—l do not know. She simply say to “What kinds ze nerve food do you use?” — Philadelphia Press.