Rensselaer Semi-Weekly Republican, Volume 35, Number 120, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 25 September 1903 — FLASHES OF FUN [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

FLASHES OF FUN

She—Mamina says I mustn’t encourage you at all. He—That’s all right. I don’t need any encouragement. —Philadelphia Press. Ample: Ada—Do you get much exercise? May—Why, yes. I have no maid, and I have a waist that buttons in the back.—Judge. Equivocal: She—Do you remember before we were married, dear •* He —Why, it’s among my happiest recollections. —Yonkers Statesman. Mike —Are ye much hurted, Pat? Do ye want a docthor? Pat—A docthor, ye fule! afther bein’ runned over be a throlley car?.. Phat Oi want is a lawyer.—Judge. Hobson’s Choice: Guest (in cheap restaurant) —Well, waiter, what have you got? Waiter—Beefsteak and fish —but the fish is all out. Whleh’ll you have? —Chicago News. Stranger—l would like to have a , tooth pulled. Dentist—A man who would like to have a tooth pulled must be a lunatic. Guess you’d better go to the nearest asylum.—Boston Transcript.

“So they named a cigar after you?” “Yes,” answered the sporting man in a dubious tone. “Quite a compliment.” “I thought so till I smoked one of the cigars, then I concluded that it was a libel.”—Washington Star. Like a Woman:* “If you’ll notice,” said Finnlck, “the poets invariably say ‘she’ when referring to the earth. Why should the earth be considered feminine?” “Why not. Nobody knows just how old the earth is.” —Philadelphia Public Ledger. Wife—l wish we had a nice large country place, where I could give a lawn party. Husband —Just for the pleasure of inviting some of your friends, ch? Wise —Well, yes; and the pleasure of not inviting some.-?«Philu-delphia Ledger. Ethel (ecstatically)—Oh, Charlie, would you just as leave propose all over again, and do It Into this phonograph? Cholly—Why? “Why, I want to have something to remember you by after you have gone in and spoken to papa about it.”—Life.

Followed Directions: Mahoole—Alnt yez th’ wan that tewld me niver to dlii'lnk watlier widout boilin’? Physician—Yes, sir. Mahoole —Thin Oi hov a moirnl to murther ye. OI dhrank boiled watlier awn nwlmost burned me TffomiToff‘. SSs ClilengO' 'Tlines;--“I heard to-day that your son was an undertaker. I thought you told me he wns a physician.” “Not at nil.” ’“I don't like to contradict, but I’m positive you did say so.” “You misunderstood me. I said he followed the medical profession.”—Philadelphia Press. Jack —I hear you nre going to marry Miss Prettyun. Permit me to congratulate you on your excellent taste. Toqj —But the engagement Is off. I’m not going to marry her or any one else. Jack —Indeed! Then allow me to congratulate you on your good sense.— ■ x - Chlcago Evening Post.

Just Like Real Lovers: -Miss Rornanz—Of course, you've read that new love-story of his? Mr. Crabbe (reviewer) —Y’es; I had to. Very realistic, wasn’t It? Miss Romanz —Oh, the idea! Why, the dialogue between the lovers was perfectly silly. Mr. Crabbe— Well? —Philadelphia Press. Guest (angrily)—Look here, landlord, I'm heartily tlred 4 of the way you do business here. Didn’t you ever have a gentleman stop with you before? Landlord (gazing at him searchin^Jy) —Hum! Are you a gentleman? Guest (more angrily*—Of course! Landlord (decidedly) Then I never did.

A Feeling of Security: “I’m so surprised to hear your wife likes the house so much —It’s so small.” “Yes, but there are lots of closets In It.” “True, but they’re extremely small, too.” “That’s just It My wife Is satisfied that not one of them Is big enough to hold a burglar.”—Philadelphia Ledger. Happy in the Assurance: She was going away. “Oh, John!" she sobbed, “J-John, are y-you quite sure you'll ra-mlss me?” “Darling,” raplled her big husband, “I’ll miss you as much ns Ido the morning train.” Thus ussured she picked up her grip and, with a sweet smile, started for the seashore.— Chicago News. Mrs. Subbubs —Henry, Bridget broke three of our very best plates to-day. Mr. Subbubs—Heavens! Could anything possible be worse! Mrs. Subbubs—Shi it Isn't as had as it might he. She Immediately hid the pieces, and If we can only look pleasant and pretend we know nothing about It, I think she’ll stay.—Philadelphia Press.

Good for the Heart: Mrs. Blokey, Jr (who is of a romantic turn) —My! ain't the moon lovely, glitterin’ on the waves! It does one’s heart good to see It Mr. 11. (Blokey & Sou)—Ah! and wouldn’t It do one’s ’art good to sc© ‘Blokey & Son’s Tickles’ printed right across it. big enough for all the world to rend with the naked eye?—Tit-Bits. For her farewell tour of America tbs Chicago Tribune suggests the following program for Adelina Tattl: “Farewell Forever,’’ “Say An Rerolr, but Not Good-By,’’ “How Can I Leavs” - Thee,” ”Bbe Said Good-By,” “Bid Ms Good-By and Go,” “I Don’t Care If You Never Come Back.” "Tostl’s GoodBy,” “Fare Thee Well, for I Must Leave Thee.” “Take Your-Clothes and Go,” “I Win Return Again.”