Rensselaer Semi-Weekly Republican, Volume 35, Number 96, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 7 August 1903 — SHEAR NONSENSE [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

SHEAR NONSENSE

Boast not, and the world knows not who you are; boast, and It despises you for what you are.—Life. She—Time will heal the wound I’ve made in your heart. He—Yes; but you’ll be mad at me if it does. “Wlggs says .his new bouse has eighteen bath-rooms.” “Must be a fine place! What does he call it?” “Plumber’s Paradise." —Life. “Railroad took oft his leg.” “Yes, and so providential!” “Providential?” “Yhat’s what. It was the leg with th* rheumatism in it!”—Atlanta Constitution. We prefer to live In a small town where all the people sympathize with you in trouble, and if you haven’t any trouble will hunt up some for you.— Formosa New Era. “Has he had much success as an author?” “No. The couldn’t sell more than a hundred copies of his last book before it came out.” —Chicago Record-II child. * “Jones is a conscientious fellow.” “What makes you think so?” “I watched him play solitaire for two hours last night, and he never cheated once.” —Brooklyn Life. A Western paper refuses to publish eulogies gratis, but adds: “We will publish the simple announcement of the.death of any of our friends with pleasure.”—Ram’s Horn. “Why are you crying, dear?” "Oh, mother; last night I showed Henry tho hammock that we first courted In.” “What did he do?” “He went over and kicked It.”—Chicago News. Young husband, to wife—Didn’t I telegraph to you not to bring your mother with you? Young wife—l knofv; that is what she wants to see you about. She read the telegram! “Oh! yes, It was the first time they had met, but they became real chummy at once.” “Is that so?” “Yes, they discovered that they indorsed the same breakfast food.” —Philadelphia Press. ; ——

Wise for his years: The mother—- “ Bobbie, didn’t your conscience tell you that you had done wrong?” Bobbie—“Yes’m; but I don’t believe everything I hear.” —Philadelphia Public Ledger. Host (pairing off his guests)—“Mir. Makinbrakes, you wll} please take; Miss Gumwell out to dinner. Mr. Makinbrakes—“Certainly. But, great Scott, where? Don’t you have dinner here In the house?”—Chicago Tribune. Most satisfactory results: Klngley —“You’ve been to these literary Clubs and metaphysical things for two or three years now, and what does your culture amount to?” Mrs. Klngley—“Don’t I know everybody?”—Town and Country. Here is one candid author who tell* the truth to his journal: “I generally take a run every day—but not for exercise. The butcher and the baker are either on my doorstep or ten yards behind me. That’s why I run I” —Atlanta Constitution. I’My new play is sure to make a hit,” said the eminent actress; “It gives me an opportunity to show twenty superb gowns.” “Gracious! how many scenes do you appear in?” “Only five, but cne of them’s a scene at the dressmaker’s.” —Philadelphia Press.

“Well,” said the New Yorker, tauntingly, “you don’t see any grass growing in our streets.”. “That’s so,” replied the Philadelphian, “clever scheme of yours.” “What's that?” “To keep tearing your streets up so the grass can’t grow.”—Washington Star. “I suppose your chances of winning the affections of Miss Gay are as good as the next fellow’s?” “I don’t know. She called me ‘Jim’ very affectionately last night.” “You don’t say? Well, that’s prottalsing. Isn’t It?” “Hardly, considering that my name happens to be Tom.” The probabilities: “McGoczle, where are you going to spend the summer this year?” “Well, we are hesitating between a tour of Europe and a couple of weeks at my wife's uncle’s farm, near Naperville—with the chances strong In favor of Naperville.”—Chicago Tribune. * t Farmer Hornlhand (reading the markets) —“Pity th’ President didn’t bee no more luck when he was a-huntln’ down there in Mlsslsslp.” Mrs. Hornihand —“Why, Silas?” Farmer Hornihand —“Ilalnt you Le:n a-readin’ bow th’ bears is playin’ smash with th’ coV ton crop?”—Baltimore America**; A woman’s bargain: Mrs. Jtap^ek—"I think, Henry, that our dattybliff has made a very satisfactory and that she will succeed renrV'fett In the management of her husband.” Henry Enpeck—»“Why so?” Mrs. Enpeck—“l overheard her talking to him this morning, and she got him to agree to a proposition like this: ‘lf you will do as I want, I promise to do th* same.' ”•*—Baltimore American. The (lector’s wife went td the door. She and the woman next door were not on friendly terms, bnt tl»« tram* didn’t know that. “De lady next door,” he *nld, "give me n piece of her'homomade pie, an’ I Fought ■" “I’m sorry,” Interrupted the doctor’s wife, “but the doctor Isn't at home Just now. However, there's a physician In th* next block, and If you hurry he may be able to give you relief before muds harm Is done."—CfcLago Post *•. I