Rensselaer Semi-Weekly Republican, Volume 34, Number 84, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 20 June 1902 — SHEAP NONSENSE [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

SHEAR NONSENSE

Egotistic: Higgins—So you are proud of the land of your birth, eh? What did It ever do to lbe proud of? Wiggins —Wasn’t I born there?—Boston Transcript Her Position: Mrs. Parke—What kind of servants do you prefer—whits' or black, Irish or German? Mrs. Lane— I*ve gotten beyond that I’m looking for servants that prefer me.—Puck. Elderly Spinster—Ah, dear Julia, yon can’t imagine how I dread to think of my fortieth birthday. Julia—Why, dear? Did something very unpleasant happen, then?—London Punch. .The Spring Department: Dinwiddle— Where shall I find the spring underclothes? Department Store Floorwalk-er-Two aisles to the left right next to tbe cough cure and patent medicine counter.—Judge. The Count—l weesh to marry jout daughtaire, saire! lam vorth one hundred tousand dollaire. The Millionaire —Rut I thought you were a bankrupt The Count—l mean zat I am vorth zat moch to you.—Brooklyn Life. She—But you must admit that society in our village is all the time becoming more cultured. He—Yes, I hear that at the minstrel show next week instead of end men they advertise ‘superior terminal facilities.”—Boston Transscript A white-haired man walk’d into the ordinary’s office the other day and asked for a pension certificate. “What ground for a pension have you?” he wfls asked. “Why, when ;hc engagement began,” he said, “I lost my head.” - Atlanta Journal. Exorbitant: Litigant What w-ill you charge me for taking the case? Lawyer—lt ought to be worth a hundred, but I’ll do it for you for an even sixty. Litigant—Sixty dollars? Great Croesus! I can buy a whole jury sot that!—Chicago Tribune. Leading Up to It: Bobbie—You know, them preserves out in th’ pantry wot you told me not to eat? Mother—Yes. Bobbie—Yon know you said they’d make me sick if I et ’em, didn’t you? Mother—Yes. Bobbie—Well, they, didn’t. —Ohio State Journal. “She keeps an immense establishment, doesn’t she?” “Oh, Indeed, yest A head coachman, two footmen, two grooms, and a stable-boy, a housekeeper, cook, undercook, kitchen maid, upstairs and downstairs maid, governess, husband, and child.”—Puck.

The Undisputed Points: Attorney for the Defense—You are a blackguard and a bluff, sir! Attorney for the Prosecution—And you, sir, are a shyster and a rogue! The Court—Come, come, gentlemen. Let us get down to the disputed points In this case.—Smart Set, Stranger—What statue Is that being erected on the square? Citizen—That, sir, Is the statue of the Hon. Mortimer Blggertou. Stranger—One of the benefactors of the town, I suppose? Citizen —Yes, Indeed. He paid for the statue before he died.—Chicago News. Willy—l met our new minister on my. way to Sunday school, mamma, and he asked me If I ever played marbles on Sunday. Mother—H’m! And what did you say to that? Willy—l said, “Get thee behind me, Satan!’ and walked' right off nnd left him.—Tit-Bits. Hunter (after another miss) -Darn the luck! I dou’t know what can bo ibe matter with this gun. The D'plo* inatio Guide—They kin talk as rhey like, sir, but nothin' kin aiiure me believe this here smokeless powder is as good as the old fashioned kind. Hiram—That boy of yours what went to college could do some powerful lifting with the club and dumbbells. Silas —Yes; but I always thought more of the other one’s lifting powers. Hiram -Did he lift dumbells and the like? Silas—No; but he lifted the mortgage. The LaUgli: Chmhpley—That hypnotist Is a fraud. He couldn’t control my mind at all last night. Pokely—Of course, he had some excuse. Chumpley —Yes. He said there was no material to work on. You ought to have heard the audience give him the laugh.—TitBits. “Have you named the baby?” asked the admiring neighbor. “Not yet,” said the proud young mother. “We’re going to christen him Sunday.” “Dear me! What a odd name! I’d almost as soon call him after Robinson Crusoe’s man Friday and be done with I'." —Chicago Tribune. An Important Occasion.—Uncle Ebouy—l’se glad you’s in, snh, ’cause I waqt to borrer youuli cyclopedias, and a fe'UNllctionarles, and any other nice big books you can spare, snh. Employ-er-Goodness me! And you’ve brought a wheelbarrow, I see. What on earth do you want of them? Uncle Ebony —Very linpo’tant occasion, snh, very Impo’tant. Dinah nnd me wants to hunt up a name for the baby, sail.— New York Weekly. Bridget and Pat were sitting In an armchair reading an article on “The Law of Comensation.” “Just fancy,” exclaimed Bridget; “accordin’ to this, whin a mon loses wan av ’is sinses another gits more developed. For Instances, a blolnd mon gits more slnsq av heria’, and touch, aa’ ’’ “Shura, an’ lt’a quite true,” exclaimed Pat; “OPve noticed it mesolf. Whin a mon has wan leg shorter thqp the other, begorra tbe other's longer.”—Philadelphia Timet.

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