Rensselaer Semi-Weekly Republican, Volume 34, Number 31, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 17 December 1901 — JOLLY JOKER. [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

JOLLY JOKER.

“Who Is the helo of the play?” "I can’t tell you his name, but he’§ an angel.” “Is she a polite girl?” “Not at all. She finds It impossible to break herself of the habit of telling the truth.’ He —Now, don’t you bother to help me on with my coat. She—lt’s no bother. It’s a pleasure.—Town Topics. Heredity. “Wot you doin’, chile?” “Nothin’, mammy. “My, but you is gittin’ like yooh father.”—Baltimore World. Blobbs—“Wigwag must be making an awful lot of money.” Slobbs—“l should say he is. I actually believe fie is making more than his wife can spend.” “I believe Mrs. Hemlock would rather quarrel with, her husband than with anybody else.” “Decidedly! Force always seeks the line of least resistance.” Doctor—Did you take my prescription, ma’am? Patient—Yes; but, say, doctor, paper’s awful hard to get down, an’ it didn’t seem to do roe no good.— Chicago News. j Employer—And how long"were you In your last place, my good man? James (just out of Folsom penitentiary)—Ten years, sir, and I never had a single evening out.—Ex. “Why, gentlemen!” cried the afterdinner speaker, tragically, “what would nation be without the ladles?” “Stag-nation, of course,” murmured the Cheerful Idiot.-Judge. “Didn’t you go away at all, Mrs. Dash?” “No; Mr. Dash said he was so well fixed now that we could afford to stay at home if we wanted to—so we did.”—Detroit Free Press. He —I shall never marry until I meet a woman who is my direct opposite. She (encouragingly)—Well, Mr. Duffer, there are plenty of bright, intelligent girls In the neighborhood. A Guarantee and a Promise. “Do you guarantee this goods not to fade?” “Absolutely! And if it does we will sell you new goods to match the changed color.”—lndianapolis News. Not His Fault. “Do you realize,” said the economist, “that there Is a heavy surplus In the United States Treasury?” “Well,” answered Senator Sorghum, “it ain't my fault.”—Washington Star. Newlywed—“ Why don’t you take a wife?” Bachelor—“My income is only sufficient for one.” Newlywed—“ Well, If she really loved you she would probably be satisfied with that.”—Puck. “Don’t you miss you husband very much now that he is away. “Oh, not At breakfast I just stand his newspaper up in front of n plate and half the time I really forget he isn’t there.”—Exchange. “That Is your husband rapping!” announced the medium in a solemn voice. “My husband rapping?” said the widow, absently; “gracious! be must have forgotten his night-key!”—Philadelphia Record. In His Favor. She—Bapa says that a young man who smokes cigarettes will never set the world on fire. He—Well, that’s the first good thing I ever heard any one say of a cigarette smoker.— Yonkers Statesman. Dr. Brown—“ Well did you keep tbs thermometer In the room at 70 degrees, as I told you?” Mrs. Murphy—“l did, indade, doctor, but I had a hard toime to do It. The only place It would stay at slvinty was fornlst the chimneypiece.”—Life.

Poet—l was pleased to see my poem In your paper. Is there any money Editor—Oh, no; we slia'n’t charge you anything this time. It is your first offense, you know. If, however, it Is repeated, we can not let you off again so easily.—Boston Transcript. Young Wife—“l received to-day a beautiful diploma from the cooking school—on pftrchment—and I’ve celebrated by making you this dish. Now, just guess what it is.” Young Husband (chewing on his burnt omelet)— “The diploma?”—Fliegende Blatter. Manoeuvers. Lieutenant Nobs (Just arrived)—How long will you take to drive me to the fort, cabby? CabbyTen minues, captlng, by the short cut through the halleys. But the military alius goes the long way round, through the fashionable part o’ the town, yer honor, which takes an hour. (Cabby, gets his hour.)—Punch. “ ’Cordin t’ th’ statoots,” began Judge Wayback, as he stood up, “I’ll hev t’ glv’ y’ ten years t’ th’ pennyteuchurry.” “But,” exclaimed the lawyer for the defendant, Jumping to his feet, “there are extenuating circumstances.” “They is?" cried the Judge in alarm. “Es I thought thet, durncd If I wouldn’t glv’ him fifteen years.”—Columbus Journal. “There, my dear,” said the returned hunter, “there’s one bird for you, anyway. Bagged him just ns 1 was about to give up in disgust.” “Oh, George!” she exclaimed, “it’s a carrier-pigeon, isn’t it?” “Not much! It’s a quail.” "But it has a card tied to its leg, with some message on It. Let’s see. It says: ‘John Jones, Poultry and Game, Central Market.’ ’’—Philadelphia Press. The doctor examined his patient carefully, and, with a grave face, told him that he was very ill, and asked if he Imd consulted any one else. “Oh,” said the man, “I went to see a druggist and asked his advice, and he ” “Druggtst!” the doctor broke in. angrily; “what was the good of that? The best thing you can do when a druggist gives you a bit of advice is to do exactly th# opposite.” “And he,” the patient continued, “advised me to come to you." —Ex. #