Rensselaer Semi-Weekly Republican, Volume 34, Number 26, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 29 November 1901 — SHEAR NONSENSE [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

SHEAR NONSENSE

Maud—l’d hate to think that you’d throw yourself at Fred. Mamie—Why not? He’s a good catch.—Harlem Life. Parke—Wiggson married a widow, didn’t he? Lane—Yes. Parke—l wonder how he likes her former husbaud?— Puck. Clarence—Did my proposal surprise you, Clarissa? Clarissa—lndeed it did, Clarence; honestly, I didn’t expect to get it without hinting for it. Contractor—You won’t sell me a carload of bricks on credit?” Dealer—No. Me an* my bricks are very much alike. We’re hard pressed for cash. Smith—What makes so many people crazy to get into society? Brown—Well, what makes so many other people crazy to keep them out?—Detroit Free Press. Husband—l wonder what we shall wear in heaven. Wife—Well, If you get there, John, 1 imagine most of us will wear surprised looks.—Smart Set. Phrenologist—Yons bump of destructiveness is very large. Are you a soldier or a pugilist? Subject—Neither. I’m a furniture mover.—Brooklyn Eagle. “Bllmber is getting poetical. He says there is something very rhythmical in the click of a typewriter’s keys." “Blimber has a very pretty typewriter girl.”—Cleveland Plain Dealer. She—l am told you said some very clever things last evening. He—Yes; it is very discouraging. She—What is? He—The surprised manner In which everybody seems to be talking about it. “That great Italian tenor told me he had a mattress stuffed full of the laurel wreaths that have been given him.” “A mattress full? Then lie ought to retire on them.” —Cleveland Plain Dealer. “She caught a thief in the bouse and chased him four blocks,” said the admiring friend. “Isn’t it strange,” replied the sarcastic rival, “how some girls are always after the men?”7-Chl-cago Post “Wheeler seems to be stuck on that new doctor of his.” “Yes, he’s up to date. When Wheeler was sick in bed the doctor said, ‘Oh, we’ll have you on your pedals again in a few days.”— Philadelphia Press. “Couldn’t she induce him to stay at home?” “No, not even by offering him all the comforts of the club.” “What was his argument?” “That the main comfort of the club was that it was the club and not home.”

"This gold mining business is being overdone,” said the small speculator, with the air of one who knows it all. “That’s so,” replied Sharpe. “There’s one mine that Is sure to go to the wall.” “What’s that?” “Kalsomine.”—lndianapolis Press. “Now,” said the doctor, “if you wish to escape a return of the grip, you must take every precaution to avoid getting your feet wet.” “All rigtjt, doctor," said the grateful patient “Shall I wear rubber shoes when I take a bath?”—Baltimore American. “You haven’t explained how you came to have Mr. Smith’s chickens in your possession,” said the judge. “I’m trying to think, yer honor,” replied the accused; “give me time.” “Very well,” replied the judge, blandly, “six months.”—Cincinnati Enquirer. Mamma— Tommy, do stop that noise. If you’ll only be good I’ll give you a penny. Tommy—No, I want a nickel. “Why, you little rascal, you were quite satisfied to be good yesterday for a penny.” “I know, but that was bargain day .’’-Philadelphia Tinies. “Biddy,” Pat began timidly, “did yeer Iver think av marryin’?” “Sure, now, th’ subject has nlver intered me thoughts,” demurely replied Biddy. “It’s sorry Oi am,” said Pat, turning away. “Wan minute, Pat!” called Biddy, softly. “Ye’ve set me a-thinkln’.”— Harper’s Bazar. Professor—lf a person in good health, but who imagined himself sick, should send for you, what would you do? Medical Student—Give him something to make him sick, and then administer an antidote. Professor—Don’t waste any more time here. Hang out your shingle.”—New York Weekly. Papa (severely)—Did you ask mamma if you could have that apple? Five-Year-Old—Yes. papa. Papa-Be careful now. I’ll ask mamma, and if she says you didn’t ask her I’ll whip you for telling a story. Did you ask mamma? Five-Year-Old— Papa. I asked her. (A pause.) She said I couldn’t have it —Tit-Bits. Solicitous: Mother—Where have you been, Johnny? Johnny-Down by th’ ole mill watchin’ a man paint a picture. Mother—Didn’t you bother him, Johnny? Johnny—Naw. He seemed to be real Interested In me. Mother—M hat did he say? Johnny-He asked me If I didn’t think ’twas most dinner time and you’d miss me.—Harlem Life. “You are convicted of bigamy,” remarked the judge, impressively, while the prisoner glanced over his shoulder at three stem-vlsaged women. “Now,” continued the court “1 Intend to give you the severest penalty the law allows.” Here the prisoner covered his face with his hands and wept “I shall sentence you to prison for two years. What are you grinning at?” “I thought” smiled the prisoner, through his tears, “you were a-going to turn ma loose.” *“»