Rensselaer Semi-Weekly Republican, Volume 22, Number 89, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 26 July 1901 — SHEAR NONSENSE [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

SHEAR NONSENSE

Photographer (to C’aptnin in his new uniform) —Look fierce, please.—♦ Cincinnati Enquirer. Some Filipino of original ideas will yet distinguish himself by surrendering as a private.—Chicago Daily News. A little fellow who saw a steamboat for the first time exclaimed: “Look, mamma! There is a railway engine taking a bath.’’ “Chaplain,” said a soldier boy who had received a delicacy, “I’ve been wishing the stone in that peach hadn’t been so large!” Those Dear Girls: Madge —Charlie proposed twice before I accepted him. Marjorie—Didn’t you hear him the first time?—Town Topics. • , Aunt Hannah—The young married woman of to-day does not know how to bring up a child. Uncle George—And so she tries it on a dog.—Boston Transcript. She—My dear, I sent home the most beautiful hat to-day, for thirty-five dollars—it’s a perfect love. He—All right, darling, your love will be returned. — Harper’s Bazar. First Scientist—l hear that your dog went mad and bit Prof. Snagroots. Any serious results? Second Scientist—Yes, the poor beast is barking in Latin and Greek.—Chicago News. “A financier is a man who makes lots of money, isn’t it, father?” “No, Freddy; a financier is a man who gets hold of lots of money other people have made.”—Our Dumb Animals. “Why do you riot eat your apple, Tommy?” “I’m waiting till Johnny Briggs comes along. Apples taste much better when therie’s some other fellow to watch you eat ’em.”— Tit-Bits. Stoutman (struggling and crowding to force himself onto the packed step of a Broadway open car)— Humph! What’s this—the hog car? Elderly Pas-senger-Yes! Jump right on.—Life. “My hero dies in the middle of my latest novel,” said the young author. “That’s a grave mistake,” replied the editor. “He should not die before the reader does.”—Atlanta Constitution. A little girl at Sunday school, being asked what it meant to bear false witness against one’s neighbor, replied: “It is when nobody hain’t done nothing and somebody goes and tells it.” jjicks-—The easy writers have a deal to say about “the dead of night.” When is that, I wonder? Wicks —The dead of night, I suppose, is when everybody is buried in slumber. —Boston Transcript. Mr. Ferguson—What a fiery waist you have on! Wliat color is it? Mis. Ferguson —Ox-blood. Mr. I* erguson I began to understand now why you told the dressmaker to put in another goie. Gladys—Papa, do you suppose that the Parisians will understand my French? Papa—l can’t say, Gladys; if you speak French as fast as you speak English they won’t even know it is French.— Indianapolis Journal. “Why did jmu give up your amateur production of ‘Macbeth?’” “Oh, there wouldn’t any of the girls play the parts of the witches unless we’d let them wear low-necked gowns and Janice Meredith curls.”— Philadelphia . Bulletin. A bright boy of 5 years while playing fell and hurt himself. His mother caught him up in her arms, kissed him and began to wipe away the tears with her handkerchief, when he exclaimed: “Don’t wipe my eyes yet; I’m not done crying.” Husband (reading)—lt is said that every time a woman gets angry she adds a new wrinkle to her face. Wife—Well, if that’s true it is probably a wise provision of nature to let the world know what kind of a husband she ha^.—Chicago News. “William, a poor man came along and asked for a hat.” “What did you do?” “I gave him your Sunday hat.” “What on earth did you do that for? ’ “Well, I knew you would need your old one to wear when you go fishing.”— Chicago Record. Easier Way: “I suppose you people down here are boring new oil wells every day,” the stranger said. “That,” responded the business-like Texan, “would indeed, be running things into the ground. We find It easier and more profitable to bore Into the pockets of the tenderfeet.”— Chicago Tribune. Amusing the Children: Mrs. McSlinntee (triumphantly)—l see ye are talcin’ in washlu’ again, Mrs. MeProudee! Mrs. McProudee (whose husband has lost a paying job)-Sure, It’s only to amuse th’ chlldcler. They wants th’ wlndles covered wid steam, so they can make pictures on thin).—New York Weekly. Noah Tall—What’s' the matter You look mad. E. Z. Mark—l am mad. I bought a pet monkey for my boy yesterday, and the beast died thts morning. The dealer simply swindled me. Noah Tall—Ha! you should have consulted somebody before buying It. Next time you want a monkey send for me. —Philadelphia Press. Not a Bit Realistic: “The author of this story contradicts himself. He says: ‘And then the great freightsteamer labored in the heavy seas. He actually uses the word ‘labored. I don’t see anything wrong with " “Walt! And then a little further down he states that the steamer was a tramp."— Chicago News.