Rensselaer Semi-Weekly Republican, Volume 22, Number 83, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 5 July 1901 — SHEAR NONSENSE [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

SHEAR NONSENSE

“Didn’t you have trouble In getting so many antiques?” “Dear me, no— I had them made to order,” Whispered.—The Friend —Her face Is her fortune. The Enemy—How interesting! Made it herself, too, didn’t she?yHarlem Life. Jaggles—ls that hotel very exclusive? Waggles—lt must be; uo children are taken, and it has accommodations for pet dogs.—Town Topics. Mamma (to Freddie, just returned from a call upo’n his aunt) —Well, Freddie, what did auntie say? Freddie (disgustedly) Don’t Freddie—Brooklyn Life. “Johnnie, give me an example of a combination of meaningless phrases.” “Yes’m. A burglar proof safe stood in a fireproof block.”—Cleveland Plain Dealer. Sentimental and—ahem—thirty (?) Did he say he knew me when I was a girl? “Sweet Twenty”—Oh. no! He said he remembers you when he was a boy!—Punch. Blobbs—Wealth will not buy happiness. Slobbs—Well, for my part, I think I should be happier w T ith wealth than vyith happiness without it.—Philadelphia Record. “So you’re singing for money now, eh?” “That was my expectation when I joined the new opera company, but I find I have to ‘whistle for it.’ ’’—Richmond Dispatch. Maggie—Dat lobster, Jimmie O’Rooney, don’t realize wot a woman’s love means! Katie—Nope; His mudder’s whaled him so much she’s queered de hull sex!—Judge. “De man dat’s alius tellin’ ’bout what he used ter do or what he’s gwinter do,” said Uncle Eben, “is usually was’in’ his time jes’ at present.”— Washington Star. Mrs. Galey—Percy Gadsby has had dreadful luck at bridge, lately. Mrs. Inswymm (eagerly)—You don’t say? Dear me! I must invite him up before it changes.—Puck. Mrs. Cobwigger—Poor thing, she tried to reform her husband and failed. Mrs. Dorcas—What is she trying to do now? Mrs. Cobwigger—To reform the world.—Judge. Bill—How much did you give up to see the ball game? Jill—Fifty cents. “How was the game?’ “Neither side scored.” “Then you didn’t get a run for your money.”—Yonkers Statesman. “Aren’t you promising more than you can pay?” “Yes,” answered the Chinaman. “It struck me that this fact might on occasion be offered as an excuse for not paying it.”—Washington Star.

His Busy Day.—Quarryman—Biddy! His Wife—Phwat do ye want now, sure? Quarryman—Pour some kerosense on th’ fire an’ make it hot, so 01 can thaw out me dynamite.—New York Weekly. Mrs. Fijit—Why doesn’t Mr. Smithers come to our house any more? Mr. Fijit—l can’t imagine; I’m sure I always tried to entertain him by th® smart things our baby does, too.—Ohio State Journal. At the Seaside.—Alice—l’m so glad that you are engaged at last! GraceYes, George and I will be married in September. Alice—Good gracious! You don’t mean to marry him, do you?— Brooklyn Life. Jack—l made two calls this afternoon, and I must have left my umbrella at the last place I called. TomHow do you know but that you left it at the first place? Jock—Because that’s where I got it. —Scotsman. “Aren’t you ashamed to go away and leave your wife in tears?” asked the near relative. “Oh, I don’t know,” answered the brutal man; “that’s the way she has a good time when she goes to the theater.”—Washington Star. “My, what an untidy man,” exclaimed the fair visitor to our sanctum. “Who is the one with his desk in such a litter?” And then she was sure she was being jollied when her guide said it was the literary editor.—Philadelphia Press. First Young Thing—l am going to wear evening dress at the party next Thursday. Second Young Thing—And aren’t you looking forward to It? First Young Thing—O, dear, no! The bare Idea frightens me.—Somerville Journal. “No, I don’t like Dr. Thirdly,", said Mrs. Kilduff emphatically. “What’s he done?” asked Mrs. Teuspot. “Well, he asked all the ladies in the congregation to remove their hats. And it was Easter Sunday, mind you!”—Cleveland Plain Dealer. The wicked, witty prodigal returned, and in bis old manner accosted his father: “Well, governor, I’ve come back. Are you going to kill the fatted calf?” But the old gentleman was a match for him and said: “No, my son, I think I’ll let you live.” “Taking into consideration the things Sharp has had to contend against, I think his success as a lawyer has been remarkable.” “Why, what did he ever, have to contend against?” “Every thing. He came of a wealthy family. He didn’t have to work his way through college. He never studied by the light of a pine torch, never had to drive dray, never walked six miles to school, and wasn’t compelled to borrow his books. He bad every possible facility and yet he has done well from the start.”—Chicago Tribune.