Rensselaer Semi-Weekly Republican, Volume 21, Number 93, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 10 August 1900 — FLASHER FUN [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

FLASHER FUN

Dqn’t complain if you lose your temper. You ace probably better off without It Some people have so much patience with themselves that they never succeed in anything. Jinks—There’s one good thing about spoiled children. Blnks—What’s that? Jinks—One never has them in one’s own house. “1 don’t see what you like about this flat, Clara.” “Well, Clarence, It is the only one we’ve looked at that fits our Navajo rug.”—Chicago Record. A false front: “Pa, our new dog is awful d’ceitful.” “How, Tommy?” “Why, when he barks at people he wags his tail.”—Chicago Record. Teacher (suspiciously)—Who wrote your composition, Johnny? Johnny— My father. Teacher—What, all of It? Johnny— No’m; I helped him.—Truth. Fair Painter—l hope you don’t mind my sketching In your field? FarmerLord, no, mlssie! You keep the birds off the peas better’n a’ ordinary scarecrow. “Sure, f*at, and why are ye wearin’ yer coat buttoned up loike that on a warm day loike this?" “Faith, yerrirerence to boide the shirt Di haven’t got an.”—Punch. “Now, honestly, Maud, didn’t Jack propose last evening?” “Why, y-e-e-s! But how did you guess?” “I noticed that you didn’t have that worried look this morning.” Real Cruelty: “Oh, mummy, do come and speak to Johnny; he’s tweading on all the worms in the garden.” “How unkind!" “Yes, and he won’t let me twead on any.”—The King. Visitor—What was the matter with the man they just brought in? DoctorStuck his head through a pane of glass. Visitor—How did he look? Doctor—HU face wore an Injured expression. Curious Villager—Ay, Sandy, an’ ye wis wounded at Magersfontein? Whit wls ye struck wl’ ? Sandy (tired of answering questions)—l was struck wl’ wonder when I kent I wlsna killed. Evidence: Friend—l suppose the baby is fond of you? Papa—Fond of me? Why, he sleeps all day when I’m not at home, and stays up ail night Just to enjoy my society!—Brooklyn Life. Magistrate—Do you mean to say such a physical wreck as he is gave you that black eye? Complaining Wise — Shure, yer worship, he wasn’t a physical wreck till be gave me th’ black eye. “Papa,” said Willie, “why did you buy a golf coat?” “To play golf in, my son,” said Mr. Willis. “Did yon need It?” “Of course I did.” “Then I nfeed a topcoat to play tops in. I seen ’em advertised.” Teacher (endeavoring to explain the meaning of the word “harness”)—What does your father put on the horse? Small Boy (his face brightening)— Please, sir, 'e puts on all ’e can if ’e thinks it’ll win. At the Summer Hotel: “Who is that good-looking young waiter who is tossing the plates across the room? Is he a student, too?” “Yes. He holds the record In Harvale for discus-throwing.” —Cleveland Plain Dealer. A Natural Reaction: “HI Tragedy— I understand the audience last night was very cold? Lowe Comerdy—They were at flrstfmt'f when they began to recollect that they had paid good money to see the show they got hot.—Philadelphia Press. Earmarks of Literary Ability: “Did that critic write any favorable comment on your novel, Belinda?” Ob, yes; he said my father had onc4 met tho Prince of Wales and that we had always moved in the best society.”—lndianapolis Journal. A Feminine Butter: “And now, children,” said the teacher, who had been talking about military fortifications, “can any of you tell me what is a buttress?” “Please, ma’am,” cried little Willie, snapping his fingers, “it’s a nanny-goat!”—Philadelphia Press. Mrs. Brown—l must be going back to the city at once; I’ve had three letters from my husband In two days. Mrs. Gray—Why, you poor dear! I know Just how you feel; two would be suspiciously attentive—but three! I really am afraid be has been doing something very reprehensible.—Brooklyn Life. The following birth notice recently appeared In the columns of a Kansas paper: “Bora, to the wife of Jim Jones, a boy. The boy favors his old dad In several ways, viz.: He is bald, has a red nose, takes to a bottle like a bumblebee to a lump of sugar, and makes a lot of noise about nothing. Selah!”— Exchange. The Virtuous Clerk: “Sign your name here,” said the chief conspirator, “and the money will be paid you at once.” “Sooner than let my good right hand sign that iniquitous documeut,” said the virtuous government clerk, “I would cut It off! But, fortunately. I am left-handed.” And he signed It.— • Cleveland Plain Dealer. An old gentleman wanted to catch a certain train, but before he had got to the station the train had started. “Hi, hi! a party of sixty wants to come on this train,” he called. The guard, not wanting to lose such a large number, stopiKMl the train, and the geutleman stepped Into oue of the carriages. The guard going up asked. “Where Is that party of sixty?” The gentleman, turning round, replied: “I am the party of sixty. 1 was sixty last week.” The guard promptly signaled for the train to proceed, amidst the laughter of tho bystanders.