Rensselaer Semi-Weekly Republican, Volume 21, Number 51, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 23 March 1900 — Predicted Better than He Knew. [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

Predicted Better than He Knew.

Ivuox—l am astonished to hear that during my absence abroad Mrs. Wlgglu has been married again; I confidently predicted that no man would ever have her. Fox—You hit It to a dot; no designation could better fit the individual that married her.—Boston Courier. A woman, providing she has relatives at her destination, will start on a fivehundred mile trip with a return ticket and thirty cents, and feel perfectly satisfied.

“Do you think doctors ought to help an incurable patient to die?” “If he can’t die without medical assistance, y es.”—Detroit Journal. Appreciation.—Dr. Fox—What sensation arises from the contemplation of self? Bushong—The sense of the beautiful.—Roanoke Collegian. Mrs. Grill—Oh, dear! I’ve sung to this baby for an hour, and she hasn’t stopped crying yet. Mr. Grill—Probably she has been waiting for you to slop.—Tit-Bits. Not to Be Caught.—“ There’s a boy wants to see you, sir." “Has he got a bill in his hand?” “No, sir.” “Then lie’s got it in his pocket; send him away!”—Punch. Foozle—We don’.t call them “bunkers” over on our links now. Tee —No, what thenr Foozle—They’re so~4iardv to get over we call ’em “kopjes.”—Baltimore American. Frayed Feeter—Bill says be kin remember de time dat he swam In luxury. Torne Tatters—Y’es; he fell Into a beer vat once while applyin’ fer a job in a brewery.—Judge. Clara—They say Nell Is going to marry a man old enough to be her grandfather. Maude—ls it possible? 1 didn’t suppose there was a man living that old.—Chicago News. Liveried menial—SJe lud, the carriage waits without. Lord Fitz posher— AVithout what? Liveried menial— Without horses, me lud; ’tls an automobile.—Chicago Record. The Deacon—Oh, Lord, es dis yere chicken be stolen, we hope you will oberlook de fact, fo’ it’s Almighty small, almighty tough, an’ almighty inadequate to go ’round.—Life. She—A married couple should pull together like a team of horses. He—Yes, and they probably would if, like a team of horses, they had but one tongue between them.—Chicago News. Miss Palisade—l caught Miss Panhandle listening to the music at the opera the other night Miss Summit— Well, you know she has never had many social advantages.—Life. Sure They Are Beautiful.—She—Men are more conceited about their looks than women. He—Prove it. She —Men always put their hats on without looking in the glass.—Chicago Record. The Vexed Question.—Trainboy— Scribner’s, Harper’s the new Century Old Gentleman (waking up)— Nonsensel It won’t be the new century till next year!—Harvard Lampoon. Practice Makes Perfect.—Clerk—You can’t get these boots on. You should , try a size larger. O’Rafferty—Niver do yez moind. Oi’ll be able to git thirn on afther Oi wear thim a toim or two.— Chicago News. “AA’hat is the difference between the State of Massachusetts and Kentucky?” “Give it up, Colonel.” “Massachusetts produces boots and shoes, and Kentucky produces shoots and booze.” —Washington Star. Kipling’s model: The ti'amp—Will yer gimme something ter eat, lady? The lady—You forget to say “please.” The tramp—’Sense me, ma'am; yer see, I’m the original “Absent-Minded Beggar!”—Town Topics. Mrs. Qui-Yive—Dear Mr. Surplice, I can’t make up my mind what Lenten sacrifice will be the most acceptable. Mr. Surplice Ah! oh! well dear madam—suppose yo'u give up trying to run the church.—Life. Jones—Curry is an awful unfortunate fellow. Jackson—That so? Jones— Yes; he snores so loud that he always wakes the baby, theu the baby cries so loud he wakes Curry, so they have to walk together.—Tit-Bits. A modern, test: “He’s a very great man,” said the awestricken young woman. “Oh, I don’t know,” answered Miss Cayenne; “I haven’t seen any magazine articles written by him about himself.”—Washington Star. Hard on George: Weary—W’y ain’t youse got no use fer Washington? Leary—l don’t like de front part uv his name; an’, anyway, anybody w’ot displayed a fondness fer choppin’ wood at sicb an early age bez toy profound contempt.—Judge. "AVhat 13 your waist measure?” asked her dearest friend. “Really. I’ve forgotten,” replied the demure little maiden. For a moment .she was burled In thought. Then, turning to her escort, she asked: “Harold, how long Is a man’s arm. anyway?”—Chicago Post. Mrs. Smyth (looking up from her paper)—What does It mean in the Washington news when it Bpeaks of "the lower house?” Mr. Smyth—That means the House of Representatives. The Senate Is higher. Mrs. Smyth—How Is it higher? Do you mean that It costs more to get there?—Philadelphia Record. No cause to worry:' “I suppose,” he said, as they undulated around the hall, "that my mother would be awfully worried if she knew I was here. She thinks It Is a terrible slu to dance.” “Oh. never mind,” the girl snld; “she wouldn’t know you were dancing, even If she saw you.’’—Chicago Times-Her-uld. They heard a noise In the kitchen and crept down. He carried a pistol and she a curtain-pole. Then they discovered the cause of the noise. "Did you see that rat Jump out of the oven t she gasped, hloding her skirts; “why dldu t you shoot him?'’ "Because he wns Just out of my range,” he chuckled. —Chicago News. /