Rensselaer Semi-Weekly Republican, Volume 21, Number 20, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 1 December 1899 — FLASHES OF FUN. [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

FLASHES OF FUN.

Uncle Dick—l hope you are a good boy in school, Bobbie. Bobbie—Naw! I’m going to be a hero.— York Journal. In extenuation.—Sally Gay— But dear, he Is a gambler. Dolly SwiftYes, I know, but he has such winning ways.—Judge. Suitor—Dearest—idol of my heartsay you will be mine. Widow— How much alimony do you usually pay?— New York Journal. “We’re in a pickle, now,” said a man in a crowd. “A regular jam,” said another. “Heaven preserve us,” exclaimed an old lady.—Columbus State Journal. Sharp little thing: “Papa.” said the missionary-worker’s little daughter, “I am playing that my dolls are heathen.” “That is nice, dear.” “And—and—papa, I want 10 cents to pay my -salary.”— Puck. He had his arm about her shoulders when the young brother dashed into the room, playing “street car." “Change to the belt line,” whooped the innocent- youngstei* as he dashed out again.—Detroit Free Press. “And did you shake hands with Dewey when you were in New York attending the reception .to him?” “No,, but I succeeded in buying a rose that is warranted to have been run over by his carriage.”—Chicago Times-Herald. Stubb—So the audience found the show to be a fake? Penn—Yes, and among them was a football captain. He made the biggest kick. StubbGood for you! But how did he express himself? Penn—He said he wanted his quarter back. “Come on,” said Noah, looking at his watch, “it’s time we were getting into, the ark.” “You’ll have to wait a minute,” replied Mrs. Noah from the top of the stairway. “I’m not going out without my rainy day skirt on.” —Chicago Tribune. Tramp—Lady. I’m hungry, an’ I’m lookin’ fer a chance to work Ladyvery well; there’s the woodpile. Tramp —Lady, it ain’t perlite to interrupt. I; jsvas jest sayin’ I’m lookin’ fer a chance to work somebody fer me breakfast.— New York World. Mrs. Casey—ls iver I catch your goat atin’ me washin’ agin, Mrs. Mulligan, I’ll sue ye fer damages. Mrs. Mulligan—There’s no nade of suin’, Mrs. Casey. Coom over here an’ I’ll give ye all the damages ye want an’ more, too. —New York Journal. “Money talks,” they observed. There came into the eyes of the trillionaire the wild, hunted look peculiar to his kind. “But it doesn't give itself away!” he cried, agonlzedly. For the fear that he would die rich was haunting him in day and night shifts.—Detroit Journal. “Did you ever earn an honest dollar in your life?” “Never,” answered Meandering Mike. “Oust I worked two hours fur a dollar, but when 1 got it I found it had a plug in it, right over de head of de American eagle. Dat’s what embittered me life.”—Washington Star. Caddie: “Lemme carry yer clubs, boss. I kin be ez blind and ez deaf as er post!” Golfer: “1 don’t consider that any recoriimendation!” Caddie: “Not if yer playin’ wid yer chum er yer mudder-in-law; but w’en yer playin’ wid yer girl it pays ter hev er caddie wot knows his biz!”—Puck. Housekeeper: “Why are apples so high in price?” Market-man: “’Cause they’re scarce, mum.” Housekeeper: “But the papers said the crop was so enormous that apples were rotting on the trees all over the country." Marr ket-man: “Yes’m. That’s why they’re ‘ scarce. It didn’t pay to pick ’em.”— New York Weekly'. “Marry you?” the young woman scornfully exclaimed; “I wouldn't marry you if you were ” “Jupiter Olympus, the Czar of Russia, or the Count of Monte Cristo?” sarcastically interrupted the young man. “No.” she rejoined, with Increasing scorn, “not even if you were the man who sent Dewey to the Philippines!”—Chicago Tribune. “Now, Morton,” said one of the party who had gone deep into the Maine woods in search of adventure, “we know you’ve been a famous hunter, and we want to bear about some ot the" narrow escapes you’ve had from bears, and so on.” “Young; man," said the old guide, with dignity, “if there’s been any narrer escapes, the bears and other fierce critters had ’em. not me!” —Boston Christian Register. “Charlie, dear,” said tne young mother, “I’ve decided on a name’for baby. We will call her Imogen.” Papa was lost in thought for a few minutes. He did not like the name, but if he opposed it his wife would have her own way. “That’s nice,” he said, presently. “My first sweetheart was named Imogen, and she will take it as a compliment.” “We will call her Maty, after my mother,” was the stern reply.— Collier's Weekly. Sunday School Superintendent (pdinting a moral)—Yes, scholars, the great thing is to know one’s duty and then do it. Admiral Dewey knew his duty when he entered Manila Bay and saw the Spanish ships, and the world has seen how nobly he performed it Now, children, what is our duty in this bright holiday season? How may we emulate the great admiral? What, should we do when we see about us Gaw (in I TN La -a J