Rensselaer Semi-Weekly Republican, Volume 20, Number 95, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 4 August 1899 — SHEAR N[?]NSENSE [ARTICLE]

SHEAR N[?]NSENSE

Miss Gotrox—“The world owes yon a living.” Cleverton—“Well, you’re all the world to me.”—Town Tbpics. Jackson—“ls the minister of your church going to take a vacation this summer?” Wilson—“l hope so.”— Ohio State Journal. “Arthur, our physician wants to send me to a summer resort for four weeks.” Husband—“ Well, I can’t blame him.” —Fliegende Blatter. Father—“ That young man you’re engaged to is a bad egg.” Daughter—- “ That’s the reason I’m afraid to drop him.”—Town Topics. “My doctor says I ought to lead an active life.” “Well, say, marry my wife’s sister; she’ll keep you on the jump-”—Chicago Record. “Old Brown won’t live long; he has' one leg in the grate.” “Yon mean one leg in the grave,” “No, he’s going to be cremated.”—Pick-Me-Up. “What animal,” asked Edith, “always has a comb, but never combs its hair?” “A bee,” ‘guessed Davie. “No-6-o-o; a rooster.”—Judge. Prominent Society Woman (to popuku lecturer)—“Don’t you get tired of snying the same thing over and over again?” “Yes; don’t you?”—Life. Xgnostic—“But you yourself work on Sunday!” Clergyman—“No; preaching isn’t work. It’s writing the sermon that’s work.”—Detroit Journal Jones—“ Are you going to pay me that account?” Smith—“ Not just yet” Jones—“lf you don’t, I’ll tell all your other creditors that you paid me!”— Stray Stories. “She’s going on the stage.” “Dear me!” “Yes—up in the White Mountain district. You see, the railroad does not go quite to her destination.”—Chicago Evening Post. Those dear girls again; First Fair One —“I wouldn’t be seen at the Newrich ball.” Second Fair * One—“Oh, you’re not so Insignificant as that, dear.”—Brooklyn Life. Mr. Newlywed—“ You want my reasons for getting home so late last night?” Mrs. Newleywed—“Oh, no! That would be expecting too much. I want your excuse.”—Puck. > Judge (to a man up for having five wives)—“How could you be so hardened a villain?” The Prisoner—- “ Please, your honor, I was only trying to get a good one.”—Tit-Bits. Little Clarence—“ The funny-bone is in the elbow, isn’t it, pa?” Mr. Cat lipers—“Yes, my son.” Little Clarence—“ Well, pa, is that what makes people laugh in their sleeves?”—Puck. One thing lacking: Ethel—“ How harmonious the color of everything in this church Is!” Margaret—“ Yes, excepting the sexton. Why doesn’t he wear stained glasses?”—Harlem Life. Mrs. Styles—“l’d have you understand that I know a good many worse men than my husband.” Mrs. Myles—“My dear, you must be more particular about picking your acquaintances.” “Marriage is so often a failure,” said Miss Caustique, “that I don’t blame women a bit for being old maids.” “Blame them?" said the crusty bachelor. “Of course not. It isn’t their fault.”—Kansas City Star. Hetty—“ What’s the matter, Carrie? You don’t seem to be pleased with your bathing suit.” Carrie—“No, lam not.” - Hetty—“Oh, I wouldn’t fuss. It will shrink, perhaps, after one or two wettings.”—Boston Transcript. Spacer—“l believe that if Shakspeare were alive at the present time, and trying -to live by his pen in London, the comic, papers would reject mauy of his best jokes.” Humorist—“l know it. I have tried ’em aIL”-Tlt-Bits. “Why do you hate him so?” “When we were young men we loved the same girl.” “Oh! Did he win hsr from you by any unfair means?’ “No. He went away and left her no choice but me.”— New Orleans Times-Democrat. Mrs. Lushley—“Oh, you needn’t try to conceal your condition; you’re holding the paper upside down.” Mr. Lushley—“l know’t, m’dear—did it on purposh—someshing here no deshent man oughter read.”—Brooklyn Life. Mather (hearing Ethel say her prayers)—“And let us all live to a good old age ” Ethel—“l’ll not pray for aunty to live to a old oge.” Mother (astounded)— “Why?” Ethel—“’Cause she’s ashamed of her age now.”—Puck. “Why don’t you get dinner?” he asked. “Yon didn’t marry a cook,” she replied,* simply. Time passes. It is now the dead of night, and muffled footfalls are beard. “Why. don’t yon go and drive the burglars away?’ “You didn’t marry a policeman,” be said.—Puck.