Rensselaer Semi-Weekly Republican, Volume 20, Number 87, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 7 July 1899 — FLASHES OF FUN. [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

FLASHES OF FUN.

Undertaker—“ Busy?” Second Undertaker—“ Rushed to death.”— Judge. “Were you on the firing-line during ! the war?*’ “Yes; I was one of the cooks.”—Yonkers Statesman. She—“Do you believe the howling of a dog Is always followed by death?” He—“No; not always. Sometimes the man who shoots at the dog Is a poor marksman.”—Chicago News. Ned—“l ran across a very pretty girl this morning.” Ted—“ Did she flirt with you?” Ned—“No; after she regained consciousness she had me arrested for scorching.”—Exchange. Fortune-teller—“ Your future husband will be tall, have dark complexion, and be very wealthy." The Caller —“Now, tell me another thing; how can I get rid of my present husband?” —Tit-Bits. Chappie—“Averted tewibble twagedy just now.” Chollie—“No! Howl” Chappie—“Man said he would pound me to mince-meat if 1 did not give him hMlf--a crown, and I gave him half a crownTt—Tit-Bits. “Wljat’s the matter, old man?” “Oh, I’ve just had a quarrel with my wife.” “Wml, forget ami forgive.” “I never can forgive her; you see, I was in the wrong.” “Then. In that case, demand an apology.”—Harlem Life. The Mistress—“ Bridget, I don’t think It looks well for you to entertain company in the kitchen the way you do.” The Cook—“ Thanks, mum, but I wouldn’t want t’ take ’im int’ th* parl’r; he spits t’baccy.”—Philadelphia Bulletin. “She is America’s greatest actress,” said Mrs. Tenspot, speaking of a tragedienne whose name came up in conversation. Indeed! Who says so?” asked Mr. Tenspot. “The man who makes the pills that cured her of indigestion.”—Puck. “What! butter and jam! Why, Ethel, my child, we’d soon be in the work- ' house at that rate!” “The workhousel Why, mother, Uncle Bob says butter and jam’s economy.” “Economy! How?” "Oh, the same piece of bread ; does for both.”—Boston Traveler. “Now, boys,” said the teacher of the juvenile class, “who can tell me what | the dark ages of the world were?” 4 j“I can, sir,” answered a little fellow at the foot of the class. "Very well; what were they?” asked the teacher. “The ages before spectacles were invented,” was the reply. Hardacre—“Zeke answered an advertisement whar they said they'd send him a church organ for a dollar.” j Crawfoot—“What did he get?" Hard* acre— “A sample copy of the New Light marked: ‘This is the best church organ published.”—Chicago News. Hicks—" Barry made a bet that every person who came by bis fence would ‘ touch it, and he won.” Wicks— “N<hm sensei How did it happen?" Hicks-* 3 “He merely stuck up the sign ‘Paint/ and of course everybody considered; himself called upon to feel of tlm'3 fence.”—Boston Transcript “Remember one thing 1 am about tdj tell you,” said the successful man the ambitious young man. “It is a rule that Is well worth remembering.” J “What Is it, sir?” “Never do anything f that your conscience will reproach yoo| for. Hire somebody else to do it"— 1 Melbourne Weekly Times. He (as they are seated In a quiet nook near the links)—“Are you quite sure-I we never met before this season?”! She—“ Yes; quite positive.” He— “AjmA you haven’t a sister?” She—“No; why J do you ask?” He—“ Well, I’m positive I hugged that shirt-waist before, some-] where.”—Yonkers Statesman. ’ Father—“ Well, my son, what do yott| intend to do for a living now that yott| have finished your college Bon—“I think I shall take up as a profession.” Father—“ You should have thought of that before you Jered college. Then I should have sent you to West Point or Annapolis.”—Newtj York Evening Journal. Bridget (reading laboriously)— “He*| you seen this, Pat? It sez here that! whin a mon loses wan av bis Rinses, bigg other sinses get more develyuped. B**a| instans, a blind mon gets more slnfln av bearin’, an’ touch, an’—-” Pat--*1 “Shure, an’ it’s quite thrue; Ol’ve no-J t’ced it meself. Whin a mon has wim leg shorter than the other, begorra. ther| other leg’s longer, isn’t it, now?”— Ex-q change. A cyclist who stopped at a village ink| boasted about his abilities as a rideata to such an extent that the landlord ven«| tured to make a wager with “Look here, minister,” said the iifim -keeper, “you can’t ride up and dowjfl this road till the church clock strltgS four.” "Done!” said the cyclist “Ifn just three-fifteen now;” and the minute he was speeding down the roasa After about an hour’s riding the cyclWH shouted to one of the bystanders, of| whom many bad assembled: “I sajM has the church clock struck four yetfH “No. you idiot,” was the blunt “Why, our church clock never strikes™ at all!”—Tit-Bits. |