Rensselaer Semi-Weekly Republican, Volume 20, Number 12, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 14 October 1898 — MR.DOOLEY. [ARTICLE+ILLUSTRATION]

MR.DOOLEY.

The Indian War. “Gin’ral Sherman was wan iv th’ smartest men we iver had,” said Mr. Dooley. “He said so many bright things. 'Twas him said: ‘War is hen,’ an’ that’s wan iv th’ finest sayin’s-L know anuything about. ‘War is hell,’ ’tis a throe wurrud an’ a fine sintiment. An’ Gin’ral Sherman says: ‘Th’ only good Indyun is a dead Indyun.’ An’ that’s a good say in’, too. So, be th’ powers, we’ve started in again to improve th’ race, an’ if we can get in Gatlin’ guns enough befure th’ winter’s snows we’ll tur-rn thim Chippewuys into a cimitry branch iv th’ Young Men’s Christyan Association. We will so. “Ye see, Hinuissy, th’ Indyun is bound f’r to give way to th' onward-march iv white civilization. I come' along an’ I fiud ol’ Snakes-in-His-Gaiters livin’ quiet an’ daeint in a new frame house. Thinks I: ”Tis a shame f’r to laVe this savage man in possession iv this fine abode, an’ him not able f’r to vote an’ without a frind on th’ polls foorce.’ So says I: ‘Snakes,’ I says, ‘get along,’ says I, ‘I want yer house an' ye best move out west Iv th’ - Ibracks an’ dig a hole f’h ye’erself,’ I says. ‘Divvle th’ fut will I step out iv ibis house,’ says Snakes. ‘I built it an’ I have th’ law on me side,’ he says. ‘F’r why should I take Mary Ann, an' Terence an’ Honoria, an’ Robert Immitt Snakes an’ all me little Snakes an’ rustle out west iv th’ thracks,’ he says, ‘far trim th* bones iv me ancestors,’ he says, ‘an’ beyond th’ watherpipe extinsion,’ he says. ‘Because,’ says I, ‘I am th’ walkin’-dily* pate iv white civilization,’ I says. ‘l’m jist ns civilized as you.’ says Snakes. ‘I wear pants,’ lie says, ‘an’ a ping hat,’ he rays. ‘Ye might wear tin pairs,’ says I, ‘an’ all at wanst,’ I says, ‘an’ ye’d still lie a savage,’ says I. ‘an’ I’d be civilized,’ I rays, ‘if, I hadn't on so much as a bangle J.Xacclet,’ I says. ‘So get out,’ says I, ‘l’r til' pianny Rovers is outside r-ready to go to wurruk.’ I says. “Well. Snakes ho fires a shtove lid a-t me an’ I go down to th’ polls station an’ rnvs L Lrayim not voting up near th' mills an’ he’s carryin’ on outrageous an’ he won’t let me hang me pitchers on his wall,’ says I. ’Vile savage,’ says th’ loot. ‘l’ll tache him to raysplct th' rules iv civilization,’ he says. An’ he takes out a wagon load an’ goes afther Snakes. Well, me frind Snakes gives him battle, an’ knowin’ th’ premises well he's able to put up a gr-reat fight, but afther awhile they rip him away an’ have him in th’ pathrol wagon with a man setitin’ on his head. An’ thin he’s put undher bonds to kep the peaee, an’ they sind him out west iv th’ thracks an’ 1 move into th’ house an’ tear out th’ front an’ start a faro bank. Some day whin I git tired or Sehwartzmeister makes his lunch ten sthrong f’r competition. I’ll go afther Snakes again. “Th’ on’y hope fir th’ Indyun is to put h-is house on rollers an’ kep a team hitched to it, an’ whin he sees a white man to start f’r th’ settin’ sun. He’s rooned whin he has a cellar. He ought to put all th’ plugged dollars that he gets from th’ agent an’ lie pickin’ blueberries into rowlin’ stock. If he knew annything about balloons he’d have a chanst, but we white men. Hinnissy, has all th’ balloons. But, anuyhow, he’s doomed, ns Hogan says, Th’ ortward march iv th’ white civilization with morgedges nil’ other modhren improvements is slowly but surely, as Hogan says, chasin’ him out, an’ th’ last iv hini’ll lie livin’ in a divin’ bell somewhere out in th’ Pac-ific ocean.” “Well,” said Mr. Hennessy, the stout philanthropist, “I think so, an’ thin again, I dinnaw. I don’t think we threat thim r-right. If I was th’ government I’d take what they got. but I’d say: ‘Here, thke this tin dollar bill an’ go out an’ dhrink ye’ersilf to death,’ I’d say. They ought to have some show.” “Well," said Mr. Dooley, “if ye feel that way ye ought to go an’ ifilist ns an Indyun.”—Chicago Journal.