Rensselaer Semi-Weekly Republican, Volume 20, Number 2, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 9 September 1898 — A Humorous Synopsis [ARTICLE]

A Humorous Synopsis

Of The , Proceedings of The Teachers’ Institute. One of the most interesting as well as quite the most amusing - feature of the recent _ teachers’ institute, was a synopsis of its proceedings, read at the reception Thursday evening, by John E. Alter, ourcounty surveyor. We herewith give the synopsis, slightly abridged for want of space. Ladies and Gentlemen , Teachers of the Institute; and Guests of the Reception I come before you today with a mixed feeling of the two great passions of human nature, joy and sorrow. lam overjoyed at the thought that by the common consent of myself and the extra good management of two or three others, I am permitted to be spread on the list of your programme, and thus brought before you, as if by accident. But on the other hand the shadow of my countenance is overcast with pity, to know that this . mass of intelligence must, sit and listen to my harangue of “much ado about nothing” ’till I am dono; or else wait ’till I get through. The theme of my subject is a synoptic summary of the events, happenings and sayings both wise and other wise, which were told, said or narrated by the Professors, preceptors and teachers during, before and after the intervening sessions of the present convening Teachers' Institute in Rensselaer, Jasper County, Indiana, as follows, to wit: The principal difference between teachers of the present and past is the comparison and contrast; they are smaller for their size, and know more at the same age than they do at any other. The professors and Institute workers are very much ' similar to what they used to be, they tell the whole truth, and then some. Crowd on the good work of education; toil on teachers, and win the crown which is laid up for you; win the prize at the end of the race, for ye shall reap if you faint not. During the Institute the teachers’ hopes, prospects, intentions and resolutions are built up as high as Haman was hung ou his own suspender. Now I a’n’t kicking on this method of cheering you and blowing you away up in I the air like bubbles made of soft soap on Sunday; but to keep up these intentions and resolutions you must yourself throw fuel into the furnace or the steam will go down, and your power will wane like a harvest moon in summer time. These polished ideas you have gained here will only start you on the Golden Railway to success. and it then depends upon you to keep up the momentum by your own skill, ingenuity, vim, thought, work, labor and determination. On Monday evening we were treated to a lecture by Dr. Aley, on the scientific topio of “Educational Fads.” He made it very plain by, a verbal analytical diagram that a “fad” is a good thing , carried too far before you let it go j to seed. Now I will not say that he made a “fad'’ out of his subject because that would be carrying my criticisms too far, and therefore my paper would become a “fad.” He said many good things, the best of which I have forgotten to remember. He memtioned many very fine properties belonging to the jimson weed, but, Oh dear, he forgot its o-dor. Next he tried to make a fad out of the average boy, but couldn’t find such a boy, they were all individual sons of guns even to the fourth and fifth generation. Dr. Aley struck the right chord in the i*oper key when he advised the teachers to study the chronological history of education,

and keep in touch with the dynamic p6wer of knowledge all along these lines. In Arithmetic too, the Dr. won fresh laurels on the mathematical field as he arrayed simple and compound numbers against each other in solid phalanx, comparing and contrasting both of them separate and each one of them together. Finally he waved his magic 7 wand over the blackboard, peace was restored and all went merry as a marriage bell, when he showed there was no real difference except in name, and, as Shakespeare says, “shoot what’s in a name.” He showed that numbers differed from simple numbers by being a limited express which sometimes carried passengers at the ratio of 16 to 1, while the simple ones run right or left with a uniform radix of 10 to 1 without regard to the separatrix, only as a flag station. The Arabic method of computing arithmetic by mathematical numbers, had to steal its way into the Anglosaxon nations, and is, therefore, a case of numerical grand larceny. This may, he says, be superceded by a system whose radix of increase or diminuendo is 7or 12. The African has 20 as a multiple of difference in the building of numbers, because he has ten toes and goes barefooted. Professor Glasscock is an extraordinary expert, Ex-deputy State Superintendent of extra avoirdupoise, and wearing a good, open, honest, liberal kind of an expression or the features of his countenance. Everyone likes him, and he seems to reciprocate with an involuntary motion by reflex action. He told us many things about the “Im mortal Sh akespeare;” how his prose fit the lower order of animals, and his poetry applicable only to the upper tens and twelves; how Lady Mcßeth knew her husband better than he did himself. (Sometimes my wife is the same way, she kuows my business better than Ido myself.) He had the courage of action and she the courage of endurance, and botween them they did the daring deed. On the subject of correlation he mentioned the school, the home and the church. He gave an illustration showing how one blade of grass could cover a wolf in sheep’s clothing. His ‘Tempest’ was not a bad storm at all, but more like a ‘peaceful calm stealing over the fanciful bridges of sleep, intemperance, babyhood, youth and old age; warning us as they pass not to judge by appearances. His talk on Plato was abbreviated owing to the recklessness of those tresspassers who had gone on before. Ending with the oracle that “life is what we make it,” in his “Crowning a King” he gave us a beautiful picture of manhood in the prime of manhood, and advised every young man to take the oath of matrimony and get,an unmarried wife to bear his troubles for him. Professor Mack is a little bit of a sawed off, sharp as a tack, musical as a lark and wears glasses in his spectacles. He gave us some good song drills, some very fine selections on a violin fiddle, nad talked about drawing the lines, putting up the bars, leaving the spaces, taking rests, pointing dots, pitching high, syllables, notes, major scale, minor and diatonic scales, tone, power, and then he gave us the key to the whole business and we can go in and sing when we please. We wish to compliment the members of the Institute, and especially the ladies, on their good behavior and attention during the week. For they've had a hot time in the old town. Superintendent Hamilton did extremely well for a man of his height, size, age and ability. Now there is Professor Sparl-

ing, (last but not least). He's a regular prodigy in the superlative degree. Say, I new that fellow when he was only just Sam Sparling, and hardly that, out in the mud and water of the ponds with his pants rolled up to his breeches, and not a sign of a hat on from the crown of his head to the top of his feet. In general appearance, when he began to grow he got bigger, and in a few weeks he was too large for his size. When he tried to put on airs, he looked just a little bit unsymmetrical in his awkwardness, aud you looked for him to fall down, but he didn't. When he started out in an educational line I felt sorry for him; I didn't think he would ever be able to count his money or write a letter to his best girl, but he did. But I “a’n’t ashamed of him now since he has taken his life in his hands, trusted in his own strength and labor, has overcome, by persevering diligence, all the surrounding difficulties, and is now far on the road to fame. He has crossed the briney deep, visited many of the most interesting scenes of the Old World, and comes back to tell us of some of the wonders of art and nature. In his lecture “Castles on the Rhine,” he led us in a sweet soothing rhyming kind of a poetical blank verse gradually to the castled apex of his story, by touching on picturesqueness of our own Rocky Mountains as a source of food for our poets, then to the older and taller mountains of Asia; of the silent, gloomy, but ponderous aspect of the pyramids of Egypt, where they have kept company with the Sphynx on the Banks of the Nile for centuries. Of Windsor Castle as it stands before the "World as a monument of masonic skill of great architectural beauty. Then he gently leads us into the valley of the Nile where all the beauties of nature have been spread over those vine clad hills in elegant profusion, where grapes hang in luscious festoons, and one vast flower garden from Dan to Beerslieba, the choicest of which are plucked by the fays and river sprites, weaved into garlands by the Fairies, to be worn on the noble brow of “De Wacht am Rhine.”