Richmond Palladium (Daily), Volume 43, Number 285, 12 October 1918 — Page 10

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RICHMOND PALLADIUM, OCTOBER 12. 1918 CRAP FROM SAMMY STAYATHOME'S OLD KIT-BAG

PATRIOTISM. "Well, have you gotten down to a war basis yet?" "Yes, I've given up my business, lost twenty pounds, spent all my spare money In taxes, sent my boys to the front, and was never happier in my life." Life.

. QUITE AN ANGEL. Mother: "I don't like the looks of the little boy you were playing with on the street today. You mustn't play with bad littlo boys, you know." Son: "Oh, but he isn't a bad little boy, mamma. He's a good little boy. He's been to a reformatory twice, and they've let him out each time on account of good behavior. New York Globe. A WISE DECISION. "Where arc you going to lecture to-night, my dear?" inquired Mr. Wise of his wife, a prominent equal-suffrage lecturer. "I am to address the Cooks and Housemaids Union," she responded. Her husband laughed. "I see nothing to laugh at Surely they have as much right to vote as any other woman," Ma wife began, indignantly. "I am not denying that, my dear," mildly explained Mr. Wise, "but it is a waste of time. Don't you realize that a cook or a housemaid never remains long enough in one position to be entitled to vote?" Mrs. Wise recognizing the wisdom of this .canceled her engagement by telephone. St. Louis Globe Democrat. TOO MANY NOTES. On Johnny's first day at school tie was given a registration card on which his mother was to write his birth record. The following day he arrived lardy and without the registration slip. "Johnny," said the teacher, "you must bring an excuse for being tardy and don't forget your birth record." All out of breath the next day Johhny rushed in holding a note frcm his mother. "Teacher," he gasped, "I brought the one about being tardy, but 1 forgot the one about being born." St. Louis Post-Dispatch. A NEW SENTENCE. The teacher was explaining to the class the meaning of the words conclusion and tripping. "Conclusion," she said, "means the end of something or termination. Tripping means running lightly." After she thought the class understood the meanings of the words, she asked that they think up a sentence containing the two words. The class thought for a good while and at last one little boy raised his hand and said, "The elephant came tripping down the stairs with a tin can tied to its conclusion." A GOOD SEND-OFF. Two "kilties" from the same Scotish town met in a rest camp "somewhere in France" and started to exchange confidences. "What like a send-off did yer wuman gie ye, Sandy, when ye left fur France?" asked one Jock presently. - Sandy lit a fresh cigarette before replying: "Says she, Noo, there's yer train, Jock; in it ye get, an' see an' do your duty. By jingo, ma manie, if I thocht ye wud shirk it oot yonder I wud see ye wus wounded afore ye gang off!' That'st the send-off she gaed me, Sandy." Life. ALL FIXED. A friend had hi3 son out driving one day in their car when they heard a squeaking noise. The father said, "I'll have to oil that so it won't squeak anymore." One day his son met him at the gate with his dog, whose head was covered with oil. The father asked what was the matter, and the boy answered:. "His bark was squeak Ing, so I oiled him." E. O., Chicago Tribune. TIME CONSERVATION. On? jttor unon while I was visit

JOHNNY'S HISTORY LESSON ON COLUMBUS DAY I think of all the things at school A boy has got to do That studying, history, as a rule, Is worst of all, don't you? Of dates there are an awful sight And though I study day and night There's only one that I've got right That's fourteen ninety-two. Columbus crossed the Delcware In fourteen ninety-two, We whipped the British fair and square In fourteen-ninety-two. In Concord and in Lexington We kept the Red Coats on the run While the band played "Johnny Get Your Gun" In fourteen ninety-two. Patrick Henry, with his dying breath, In fourteen ninety-two Said: "Give me liberty or death." In fourteen ninety-two An Barbara Fritchie, as 'tis said Cried: "Shoot if you must this old gray head, But I'd rather 'twould be your own instead,"

In fourteen ninety -

two.

Kentucky was settled by Daniel Boone In fourteen ' ninety-two And I think the cow jumped over the moon In fourteen ninety-two. Benjamin Franklin flew his kite so high That he drew the lightning from the sky, And Washington could not tell a lie In fourteen ninety-two. Waterman

ing a friend of mine, when her lit tle girl, Estelle, ran up to me, proudly displaying her new wrist watch. I told her it was nice and asked her from whom she received it "O," she replied, "daddy gave it to me because I'm conserving. I go to bed on Sunday night3 without a light." R. A. D., Chicago Tribune. WRONG TACTICS. Robert went for a walk with his aunt. After they had walked two blocks he complained of not feeling well. "Well," said his aunt, "if you walk a little more you might feel better." "But, auntie," replied Robert "I have some corns, too." A. F. Chicago Tribune. NEW SPARE-RIBS. One day for lunch we had roasting ears and my little girl said, ' O, mother, I just love this corn on the bone." S. A. L., Chicago Tribune. BEING CHEATED. Richard watched his mother knitting socks for some time, then he looked up at his father, who was reading nearby and said, "Daddy, don't you wish you were a soldier?" His father replied, "Yes, why?" and Teddy said, "Why then you could get all those socks mother knits for other mans." Mrs. H., Chicago .Tribune. THEN YOU'LL BE HAPPY. One day my son, William, had been unusually naughty, and I, growing impatient, exclaimed: "O, if you were only a girl instead of a boy, how happy I would be." William looked serious and answered quickly: "Mother, when I join the army and get decorated for bravery you will be glad you have a boy." L. E., Chicago Tribune. ONE BURNING QUESTION. For some reason the Sunday school class had become interested in Methuselah. At their urgent request the teacher related all the authentic information recorded in the Bible about the amazing man, also various anecdotes gleaned from less reliable sources. In conclusion, she said: "Now is that all? Are there any further questions yen would like to ask about Methuselah?" "I'd like to know," said the most interested youngster of the lot, "where all his birthday presents are buried." St Louia Times.

ALL TRUE. Teacher: "Your answer is about as clear as mud." Student: "Well, that covers the ground, doesn't it?" Boy's Life.

A THRIVING COMMERCE. John: "What is the closest place of business to the Mississippi river?" James: "Don't know. What is it?" John "The bank, of course." Boy's Life. WAR. First Rookie: "Well, I've had my first taste of battle." Second Rookie: "How's that?" First Rokie: "I've just been shaved by the company barber." Boy's Life. A LOFTY TITLE. Inquisitive Lady (visiting prison): "What is this good looking prisoner's name?" Guard: "Number 2631, ma'am." Boy's Life. AVIATION RULES. John: "What i3 the best paper to use Avhen you are making a kite?" Sam: "Tissue paper, of course." John: "No." Sam: "What then?" John: "Fly paper." Boy's Life. WANTED: MORE ATMOSPHERE. First Scout: "Why is this cheese full of holes?" Second Scout: "That's all right. It needs all the fresh air it can get." Boy's Life. LOST. "Lulu, teH me where C sharp is?" asked the music teacher. The little girl pointed it out quite easily, and the teacher continued: "Now where is D sharp?" This was also easy to find, and then the teacher thought to catch the pupil. "Where is E sharp?" Lulu looked up and down the key board, and then said: "I can't see it so I suppose it fell in the Dear Aunt Molly How old are you? Elsie Baker. Dear Elsie To be exact I am five years, seven months and eight days older than the woman who lived in a shoe if you're only as old as you feel. However, in real lief I am all of two years older than I was when I answered that same question February 3, 1917. Aunt M. i '' ' f

HE KNEW. Stewart had a new birthday watch. He was displaying it with pride soon after acquiring it, and some one asked if he knew bow to wind it. "Sure," replied Stewart, "it got empty yesterday and I wound it full." I. F. D., Chicago Tribune.

FAIR EXCHANGE. Arthur had a new four-in-hand tie, and one afternoon his father decided to wear it, so the little fellow in turn took one of his father's. When his father came in to supper he jokingly said, "Well, Arthur how do you like my tie?" Arthur, moving over so his father could get a good look at his tie, replied, "And how do you like mine?" M. T., Chicago Tribune. If "Lone Scout" was a river and I was a duck I'd jump right in and never come out "Buddy, do you speak German?" "Not lately." Question Why is a slacker like a custard pie? Answer- Because it's yellow through and through, and hasn't enough crust to go over-the-top. A Summer Trip By Madge Whitesell. My friend and I decided to go from here to Lynn on our bicycles, so one Saturday morning at five o'clock we got up and dressed in our bicycle costumes (as we called them) and started to work to clean up our bicycles. We pumped up tires, ciled everything that we could find to oil, tightened all bolts and taps that we saw, fastened on our lunch baskets, pumps and tool bags, and at exactly six o'clock we were ready to go. Of course we met some people who made fun of us, some who said that we never could get there, and some who felt sorry for us, saying that we had better get into their automobiles, but we thanked them and said that we were going on a bicycle trip. We met one man from Lynn who said that we would soon be back in Richmond. When we arrived in Fountain : City we were the center of attrac tion. People seemed to think that they never had seen anything as funny as girls on bicycles. We went into a drug store to get some ice cream and after we had eaten the cream, Cynthia (my friend) decided that she wanted some water. The clerk was no where in sight, sc after waiting for some time, Cynthia helped herself. It was the funniest looking water you ever saw, pale yellowish, with little tiny white bubbles going all through it. It must have had a funny taste, too, for as soon as she tasted it, she ran out of the door and jumped on her steed, and rode away so fast that all I could see was a cloud of yellow dust going down the road. I followed her as fast as I could, wondering what ever could have happened. When we were out of town Cynthia slowed down and waited for me to catch up with her, and then she told me that it was soda water she had taken. We hadn't gone very far until we met a wagon drawn by two mules. I guess they never before had seen anything so strange as two girls riding a bicycle, for they started to run and did not slow down until long after we had passed. About nine o'clock we arrived in Lynn, and the first person we saw was the man who had said that we would soon be back in Richmond. Everyone was so greatly astonished to see us that they stopped whatever they were doing or where ever they were, and simply stared at us. We always are hungry, but after our trip we were extremely hungry, so we went to my grandmother's. You know all grandmothers are good cooks, but my grandmother is an extremely good cook, so after she went bustling around for a short time, we found ourselves seated at a table enjoying a fine lunch. And we ate it, too. Grandmother said she thought finally that if we ate much more, we would

NO SALT WIFE FOR HIM. "Now what do you suppose- Lot thought" asked the Sunday school teacher, "when he saw his wife turn into a pillar of salt?" "I bet he wondered where he could get a fresh one!" said Tommy. Woman's World.

A REAL ONE. While Aunt Clara's beau was calling on her, little Mary climbed up onto his knee and he trotted her up and down vigorously for a while. "Do you like that?" he asked. "Oh, yes," she cried. "But I rode on a real donkey yesterday I mean the kind with four legs." Woman's World. A NEW RELATION. It was a difficult matter for Betty to figure out the relationship of different members of her kin. One way news came that her little cousin Ella had a little baby sister, and thinking to puzzle her I asked, "And what is the new baby to you, if Ella is your cousin?" After some thought she answered, "Why she is my cousinette." M. C. R., Chicago Trubune. be eating the legs off of the table. After we had finished our lunch, we started out sight seeing. I took Cynthia all over town. We saw the telephone exchange, the ice plant, the post office and several stores. We rode around just about all afternoon and that night we certainly were ready to go to bed. You know grandmothers have feather beds, those big fluffy kinds, where you sink clear up to your neck in softness. But I might have sunk clear over my head in those feathers and never have known it, for the minute I touched the bed I was sound asleep, and that was the last I could remember of that day when we took our trip to Lynn. CONTRIBUTED VERSE There's many a weary heart tonight, j There's many a lonesome soul There's many a pal who longs for his gal While playing the soldier's role There's many a service flag flying There's many a vacant chair There's many a mother who prays for the other As he mixes it up "over there." The home town's not the same old town Since we fellows have all sailed away The old corner bar is finished by far Our absence does not make it pay There's no one to steal your old gal They've drafted all those who would try. And daddy, old sport has been Jiolding the fort Since the day we all bid them goodbye There's many a party awaits us When we finish our job over here There's many in O. D. from general to K. P. Who'll shout, when it's over with cheer. But meanwhile, let's all keep on gunning Till we've baffled the Hun across the Rhine Then we'll roll up our packs and make for the tracks Bound homeward on double quick time. Private John W. Toney, A. E. F. France. Fourth Liberty Loan Flag