Richmond Palladium (Daily), Volume 43, Number 256, 7 September 1918 — Page 12

PAGES TWO

RICHMOND PALLADIUM. SEPTEMBER 7. 1916.

The Baseball Hero "All right there, Jlmmle. all right now, Jlmmle old boy. That pitcher has to scratch his head every time he wants to think. Don't let him put anything over you, Jim old fellow, he hasn't got sense enough to shoot a ball straight after he does wind it up. Come on now, you've got the mustard on that bat, give them a hot one. Aw, that's only one strike. We know you're just giving them a little chocolate to keep them in the game. Come on now, Jimmie, old kid, right over the left fielder, he needs a little exercise. Give us Just one little sky lark and then we'll all die happy. Co.ne on now, come unnnh Oh Aw Gee! Don't stop, Jim, don't stop, it s'a three bagger, it's a three bagger for a king, go on there, slide her in. Why you're safe, old man, you're safe!" It was the ninth inning of the match game, and the score was tied When Jimmie had come up to bat there already had been one out in this last bat, but as he reached the third base, the hopes of hl3 class mates knew no bounds. The Harrison school rooters were dancing up and down like fiendish Indians, yelling until all words were lost in the uproar. Then

Skinny Hall stepped up to bat, and before the noise could change from its joyous confusion, the pitcher had sent the ball darting straight ahead, Skinny had made a jerky swing, the ball had gone glancing upward and backward, and then came down right in the catcher's .hands. "Striker out" called . the umpire In the dead silence which momentarily followed the calamity. Then bedlem broke out again as Bill Hadley stepped up to bat, ominously moving his club up and down and glaring at the pitcher with an expression that would have made Von Hinderburg tremble. "You've got him, Bill, you've got him, old fellow," yelled the rooters. (juite Old. A newly rich woman, who was anxious to make a favorable Impression on her neighbors decided to Bhow her collection of antiques to the bishop when he called. The time came and one by one she displayed the whole collection, giving him the history of each piece. Finally She came to the most prized article in the lot. "There," she said, pointing impressively to an old yellow teapot, "that was used at the Boston Teaparty." WHY? Lady (asking for the third time) : "Have we reached No. 234 yet?" Conductor: "Yes, mum. Here you are." (Stops bus.) Lady: "Oh. I didn't want to get out I only wanted to show my little Fido where he was born." Punch. . A FIFTY-FIFTY IRISHMAN. In his book. "From Gallipoli to Bagdad." "Padre" William Ewing tells the story of a burly Irishman brought Into the field hospital suf fering from many wounds. , ."Whit are you?" asked the sergeant. "6pure, I'm half Irish," replied the man "And what is the other haf?" "Holes and bandages.'Tittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph. . GOING SOME. Doctor: "What? Troubled with sleeplessness? Eat something before going to bed." Patient: . "Why doctor, you told me once never to eat anything be-1 fore going to bed." Doctor: Pooh! Pooh! That was last January. Science has made rapid strides since then." An Irish guardsman, billeted in a certain town, was complaining bitterly about his hard bed. "Do you know," retorted the landlady dramatically, "that the Duke of Wellington slept in that same bed?" . "Oh. did he?" retorted the guardsman. "Well, no wonder he was called the Iron duke." Lone Scout Magazine.

m SCRAPS

"Ho can't get one past you. You're the son of an American, now show him how you'd treat the kaiser." With a sudden wrench, the pitcher sent a swift inshoot, but with equal swiftness Bill Hadley made a downward swing with the bat, and the ball went bouncing easily and gently forward as it lazily rolled about four yards from the wild-eyed pitcher. A punt! The onlookers gasped in amazement, but before the pitcher's tingling fingers had clutched the ball, Jimmie G. was over half way to the home plate, and scarcely had the seething mass of yelling boys reached their full volume of oolse when a streak of white ?rossed the cloud of dust, and the catcher had caught the ball only an instant after Jimmie G. had reached the home plate, safe. Say Bill, that was a pretty good game, wasn't it," commented Jimmie G.; as he wiped the sweat off of his forehead with his sleeve, after everything was over and the two boys were ambling homeward. "But that punt of your sure did surprise everybody. How'd you do it?" . "Well, Jim, I'll tell you," an

swered Bill slowly, after a moments pause. "You know when I was up there at bat the last time Well, somebody yelled that I was the son of an American, and Jim, I just thought then, that even if I'm not over there in the trenches yet, I might as well practice up making things I do get something right now. So I guess I did.

Rats and Bats By CJaude G. Miller. You see It's just like this, everybody's doing their bit from George down to the toothbrush, so I decided to help. Tee, Hee! I knew you'd never guess, it's the most original idea! I decided to start a moving business! Yes, sir. You see I couldn't get in the army curly hair and a few other defects, so the moving business is my bit. I decided to start my office cn the corner of Eighth and Main, but the honorable officer said I'd better never 'cause his mother-ln-law'd be along in a few minutes and she had false teeth of course that hasn't a thing to do with: it but It fits Into the story kind of nice, and that's all

that's necessary. Well, I needed a helper, somebody almost as big as I was and somebody that could move and had money. I got him! He had a four dollar bill and he consented! I rented a wagon four dollars down and a dollar an hour later I had tc take it back because a woman told me she wouldn't move in a HEARSE If she was dead! That's funny, ain't it? Yes, it ain't, that is, it wasn't. So I got a moving van with a pair of horses with some strings to them which I was forced to pull in order to make them turn corners and walk backwards and several other things. The helper was some helper. He was so lazy he wouldn't scratch his head and the reason he got in the wagon is because he fell off the seat backwards ana was too lazy to crawl back up. But he was picturesque and I thought that the people would think he was something painted on the scenery for an advertisement as the easy way to move furniture. , Well, Job No. 1 came just before Job No. 2 and four days after I started to work.

DIGGING UP A PRECEDENT

A woman on Twenty-first street wanted a flock of canaries moved and everything. The fact is, I don't like canaries never did! That's all! She forgot to tell mo where to take them so I took them for a ride. Down A street and back Main, tl almost caused a riot, but I got along alright that Is Well you see it was this way, to make a short story two pages longer, I seen a young lady. Of course if it had been some other young mail He'd have driven on but I'm a gentleman! I stopped. Now stopping in itsself has nothing to do with the story, only to tell you I stopped. Its none of your business about the young lady only

to say why I stopped and because of the young lady and my stopping and a Ford behind me, that didn't stop, but busted up eight or ten crates of my canary flock. I feel that I must stop to tell you all about it. The Ford didn't stop till he saw he couldn't go on through between the horses so he stopped and backed up. Then he went on and never stopt. By this time so tuany canaries were flitting about Main street I wondered why I stopped for and left. Thatjs all again. Now, you know some women are aweful, simply terrific. Things are always raining on their hope boxes and upsetting their Van Camps. I've seen some women that looked as though only two things ever suited them, one was when the the other was w'uen eagle-on-the-dol!ar squawked, and the other was when it rained on some one else's business. Well that's what kind of a woman the woman was whose canaries I took a ride. This woman had lost all her gifts of happiness and was J trying to finish up life by sitting on other people's good wishes, and, Diameu u sne uiuh i sn uu mine.

SAMMY STAYATHOME'S , OLD KIT BAG

I drove up in front of the house with my wagon still leaking canaries and that's all I did. She did all the rest she did all the talking for us both aW the swearing, walking, raving and a few other things. Some guy started a saying once that there's sunshine after every storm, but who in thunder wants to wait till after the storm for the sunshin anyway I didn't. So I left. The helper, as I said before, who was so lazy his feet grew in circles and who slept thirty minutes every time he yawned, also left, but not with me, no slree! I don't know how the moving van got back or how the canaries thrived, but I left! Sure the reason I say I left so much is merely to Impress that I left I left her, see? Oh. how'd the story end? I got another jb yes. honest I did. I got a job in an office keeping books well, keeping books off the floor. I work under a guy who is a port of a sport and smokes Omar cigarettes who gives the impression of moving around on shovels and growing a mustache. Later I was promoted. I'm superintendent now of the office work like sweeping out and cleaning out the inkwells. No, there isn't any thing like being a man of dinified ability and a lack of appliance that's me. But I left.

The man who talks all day and snores all night is a domestic tragedy. Pessimists have been converted to optimism through the simple faith of a child. A contented mind is a continued feast, but it does not appease the appetite. MEANT HIMSELF. A well-known Englishman was calling on an editor, when he arose abruptly and said: "But I must not further take the time of a busy man." "Not at all," said the editor. "I am always pleased." "Oh, I was refering to myself," was the rejoinder. Transcript. ' A SENTENCE In one of the navy schools a young instructor was attempting to teach English to a gruff old sailor, "What is a sentence," he asked. "Solitary confinement, bread and water," was the grim reply. Everybody's. TOO MUCH "Papa," said little Robin, "I want to sell one of my goats. It is too much for my other goat to pull the wagon and me and the goat I want to sell up the hill." Exchange URBAN Tommy In his third year, moved to the country. His parents thought that the city was no place for a growing boy, but they had not consulted Tommy, "Why isn't anyone passing?" he asked his mother again and again. "When is someone going by? No one is going by now, either. I want to go back to New York," he concluded firmly. Exchange THE COLLEGE BOY. 'Twere naught to him to have his name Enrolled on Learning's scroll To him the pinacle of fame Would be to kick a goal. Patient: "Doctor, why das a saali cavity seetn so large to the tongue?" Dentist: "Just the natural tendency of the tongue to exaggerate, I suppose. The Watchman Examiner. NOT SO HARD. Sillicus: "The way of the transgressor is hard." Cynicus: "Oh, well, he can generally afford pneumatic tires."

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