Richmond Palladium (Daily), Volume 43, Number 238, 17 August 1918 — Page 12

PAORTWO

RICHMOND PALLADIUM. AUGUST 17, 1918 C RAP FROM SAMMY ST A Y AT -HOME'S . OLD KIT BAG

BIBLE MOVIES. Sunday school teacher: "Why was Daniel forced to enter, the . Uon's den?" Bright pupil: "Why, he'd have - spoilt a whole film if he didn't."

YEARS AGO. Wilfred: Do you know Miss ' Cutey, too? Ernie: "Yes. We used to he ' the same age when we were growing up." NO SWIMMER AT ALL. The bride read the recipe over and said, "I'm really afraid that these onions are strong; And it says, 'Under water is the best to peel them," But I never can stay under water that long." QUITE A BLOW OUT. "Did you notice the great quantity of diamonds Anna Is wearing?" "Yes, she said that her father blew himself for them." "He probably did. Her father is a glass blower I understand." Chicken Center, Soup Co., Texafornia. Sammy Stay-at-Home has become widely celebrated in this county by his great ability in eluding pigs. .Every time he becomes aware of a pig being near, he runs for the nearest tree where he sits on a "twig (be being very light), and es- . capes having even the slightest injury. j One day, however, when the 'frightful snorting of the pig just below the tree where Sammy Stay-at-Home was clinging, caused the sergeant to tremble more greatly 'than usual, he clutched for a leaf, but lost his balance and fell directly onto the rooting enemy below. This surprised the pig so "greatly that he rolled over onto his side and with his last breath faintly Kurmured (in pig language) ."Send my curly tail to the Belgian Babies." And that was all. For this great deed, Sammy Stay-at-Home was called before the famous Farmers' Greenhorn Pigeontoed Regiment, and awarded a large, beautiful artificial Canadian penny, which he deposited in a tin can and carries on the strap of bis old kit bag, showing it proudly to everyone he meets. By David Henderson. Greenhopville, Ind. Freddy Stlck-in-the-Mud, Peanut Crop City, . . Greenhorn County, Washerada. Dear Cousin: I have been insult.ed today by a measly old doctor. No doubt you beard about my operation and what happened. Well, that old doctor tilted my head back to see how many teeth I had and of course the instruments which ' were still there in the vacuum of my head jingled about terribly. ; The doctor said, "We do not take rattle-brain customers." f As his eyes were very sharp they seemed to bore right into my gums and gave me a horrible toothache; and in spite of all I could say, he refused to have anything more to do with me, so that I still am suffering painfully. Your trouble-filled unaffectlonate cousin, , Sammy Stay-at-Home, ' LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON.. The rich man In his years of toil Burned and burned the midnight oil, His heirs now keep his memory green By burning midnight gasoline. HIS TRADE. "He is always tinkering with his auto." "Naturally. He's a vivisectionist." I MINOR ATTRACTIONS. Waverly: "I'll bet a cookie the bride wasn't pretty." Marcella: "Why do you think that?" Waverly: "Because newspaper Recounts of the wedding put so much stress on her fine character and sweet disposition."

AN ESCAPED MASTERPIECE. Little Jasper Senter learned from the minister's sermon one Sunday that man was made from clay, so after returning from church he resolved to make a man after his own fashion. The work proceeded in the clay bank back of the garden until his mother called him for dinner. He bad completed all of his man except one leg. That afternoon Jasper and his mother while walking along the street met a man with one leg walking with crutches. Jasper accosted him and grabbed his coat. "See here," he said. "I thought I told you to stay in the back yard until I put the other leg on you."

FARMING JOYS. Oh the simple joys of farming When the sweat rolls down your neck, And you bake and stew and swelter-Spare me joys like these, by heck! "Why do they print jokes in the program of the musical comedy?" "So the audience will have something to laugh at." "So you are married again, are you. Chole?" said Mrs. Smyth to her colored laundress who had just achieved matrimony for the fourth time. "Do you think you have a good husband this time?" "The best one yet, missus!" said Chole, with much enthusiasm. "I is only got to stamp my foot once and . shake my fist at that man, en he's skeered mos' to death! Looks like I was goin' be happier with that gentleman than with any husband I is had yet." "Why 'do they all call him the 'fighting parson?' " "Because he has to fight his congregation for his salary." "Yes, ma'am," said Mary, "I heard the bell, But didn't answer the call; for, well Ye know I've noticed it long before My company knock at the kitchen door." . Mistress: "Are you a good cook?" Cook: "Yes ma'am, I go to church every Sunday." Marcella: "Mr. Beanbrough seems to be greatly bothered with indigestion." Waverly: "I should say so! He refused to go to a moving picture show the other evening because it had a banquet scene in it." Madge: "How do you know that she wasn't saisfied with the work of the beauty doctor." Marjorie: "She hasn't had any pictures taken." OBEYING ORDERS ALL RIGHT. A gentleman in Vancouver, in passing a friend's house one pouring wet day, noticed their Chinaman, umbrella in one band, hose in the other carefully watering the garden. "Why Fong," laughed the man, "it? pelting with rain. Why are yon doing that?" The Chinaman looked up with a weary air of dignity. "Mrs. Grant, she go to Victoria. She say, 'Fang, you water garden every day until I come home.' I think she hap clazy." SUCH YOUNSTERS. " "Mr. Methuselab," says young Ishbomush, the Gileadlte, " I came to ask permission to marry your granddaughter, Kezoorab." "What! Little Kezoorah!" exclaims Methuselah. "What nonsense, boy! She la only one hundred years old and you have barely turned a hundred and eighty. Walt about a hundred years lad, and then you will learn whether this is merely calf love or the enduring affection that should warrant matrimony." BIRDS OF A FEATHER. Little Bessie bad been gazing earnestly at the waxed mustaches of her father's friend. - Suddenly she remarked, "Why, my kitty has smellers .too!"

Sammy Stay-at-Home had many troubles on the farm before he joined the army. One day the farmer sent him to the barn to get some hen eggs, and after three or four hours of waiting the farmer went to the barn to see what was the matter. There he found Sammy sorting the eggs out into two piles. "What are you doing that for?" the farmer asked. "Why didn't you send me down here to get hen eggs?" said Sammy. "I'm just sorting out the ones that will hatch roosters from the ones that will hatch hens." Another one of his troubles was when the farmer sent him after some ggs and said that he must be sure there wasn't any chickens in them. When he came back he said, "I'm sure there aren't any chickens in these because I got duck eggs." One day the farmer took a notion that painting was an easy way to make money, so he sent Sammy out after a camel's hair bursh. When he came back, Sammy said, "Well, I couldn't get any camel's hair-brush, but here's a curry comb for your pet." Charles Cheeseface, an illustrious cousin of Sammy Stay-at-Home, has been awarded another tin medal for spying a large Juicy ant which had crawled up towards the ceiling of the room, and succeeded In stepping on it.

Employer: "Patrick, owing to the high prices of automobile tires, foreign noblemen, and pearl necklaces, I must again reduce your salary." Patrick: "Shure, go ahead, sir. The first toime ye did thot same Oi turned vegitarean, Now what will Oi do turn butterfly."

"HEY, FELLERS, C'MON-KNOCK OFF WORK WITH US!"

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NOTHING DOING." Mother: "Tommy, if you are pretending to be an automobile, I wish you'd run over to the grocery and get me some butter." Tommy: "I'm awfully sorry, mother, but I'm all out of gasoline."

Inquisitive old gent: "And what are you digging for, my good man-" Knight of the Pick: "Money." 1. O. O.: "You don't say! And when do you expect to find it?" K. of P. "Saturday night." Millionaire's son: "Look! Santa Claus brought me a new railroad for Xmas." Multi Millionaire's son: "That's nothing! He bought me a whole new railroad system." POOR HARVESTING. , He planted what he thought were seeds, And eagerly watched the spot. No sprouts came up from mother's beads, Or from poor Johnny's BB shot. One day Sammy Stay-at-Home went to a large city. He saw a long stream of autos going down the street. Sammy was quite bewildered so he asked a man wbat kind of parade was going on. The man told him that it was just a small parade which was called the green-horn's rattle-brained stuff. David Henderson. One day as the sergeant was walking down the street he saw a drunken man lying on the curb with his head out in the street. Just then a large truck went by and missed the man's head by a very fey inches. The driver thinking that he had hit the man jumped from the truck and ran to him. Sammy also ran to the man. When he got there the man turned over and asked, "How are all the folks." David Henderson.

Sammy Stay-at-Home met a man with a large suit case. The man said, "If you will give me a room with a boiled egg to sit on and a hard water bath I'll give you a thousand dollars." Sammy said, "I can't give you a room for I have no house and you could never get a place with boiled egg to sit on, and as for a bath all the nice places have soft water baths." The man said, "That is all right. I'll give you a thousand dollars and you can put it in a home for deaf and dumb grass hoppers and left-handed crickets." Just then the keeper of an insane asylum came up and grabbed the man by the collar and pulled him along. The keeper yelled back at Sammy, "Keep that money for it is only stage money." David Henderson.

How Boys and Girls May Tell Chicken's Age A common way of testing the age of dressed poultry, as described by home economics specialists of the U. S. Department of Agriculture, is to take between thumb and finger the end of the breastbone, farthest from the head, and attempt to bend it to one side. In a very young bird, such as a "broiler" chicken or a green goose, it will be easily bent, like the cartilage in the human ear; in a bird a year or so old it will be brittle, and in an old bird, tough and hard to bend or break. Tricky dealers have been known to break the end of the breastbone before pfcowing the bird, thus rendering the test useless. Sugar bowls have been banished from American dining cars a traveler is served bis portion of sugar and no more. AN GO SWIMMIN'