Richmond Palladium (Daily), Volume 43, Number 232, 10 August 1918 — Page 12

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k.CMMOND PALLADIUM. AUGUST, 10. 1918 CRAP FROM SAMMY STAYATHOME'S OLD 'KIT BAG BS.

Monday. Arrived in this city last night, and going up to the station master, I asked him where I was. . ' "Richmond, sir," he grumbled in such a short, sharp tone, I scarcely could understand at all. "Rich-, mond, Wayne county, State of Indiana, Iloosier." ' . "Who's here," I repeated, glaring at him with all the outraged indignation I could 6how. "Why, I'm here for one." . He looked at me, seemingly in surprise for a minute, and then, lifting his eyebrows, he said, as sarcastically as he could, "Oh, are you all here?" And then walked away. Going out of the station I saw a very charming lady standing under the pi'.lers of the depot's porch, and since 1 always like to learn the general standing of my location I approached her with a very deep bow, and said: "Madame, can you tell me the population of this city?" "Population," she repeated, with a puzzled-look, "I don't understand what you mean." "The population, the number of people in the city." I explained. "Why, I couldn't tell you," she answered. "Really, I've never stopped to count them." Going elong until I came to a delightfully snaded church yard, where neighboring corn tassles were swaying gently In tne breeze, giving i patriotic and at the same : tloie rustic air, I pitched camp, preparing to spCnd a peaceful night. No Booner had I settled down, however, than a frightful uproar of

sqnalks arose above me. I went out to investigate, and found that the orchestra was a well organized band of black birds who continued to serenade me periodically through the night. Those black birds surely must have been made in Germany. Towards morning it began to rain, and when I came out of my little tent, I was confronted with a delightful swimming pool. "Ah," I thought, "What a refreshing morning swim awaits me." But as I dived in head first I came into such forcible contact with very firmly pressed bricks, that I saw one large yellow star. My "swimming pool" I found was only one of the many holes in the rough sidewalk. Later I tried to go down town for my breakfast. If only I had been fortunate enough to be a horse . or mule, or even a four wheeled Ford, I could have glided smoothly along on the best asphalt street in the city. But since I merely belonged to the poor tax-paying class, I leaped from high point to high point in the vain endeavor to keep the water out of my high-topped boots. Little girl: "Mother, will Charley Chaplin go to heaven when he dies?" Mother: "Yes, dear. I suppose he will. Why?" Little girl: "My, but won't Jesus laugh." Chicago Tribune. Sammy Stay-at Home, the other day, was confronted by a very witty man who tried to catch him on an old riddle. "What has four eyes and yet can't see," said the man, smiling to himself to think how Sammy never could guess "Mississippi." "Why, this potato here In my pocket," answered the Sergeant putting his nose up In the air. and walking away. David Henderson. Nohope Saniarium, Punk Luck Camp, Richmond, Ind. Lucy Pigail Pugnose, Fish Hoo': Ave.. Pennsyltucky. My Dear Cousin Lucy: As you see, I am in Nohope Sanitarium, and am having more troubles than I ever had in my whole nine lives. One of t'ae most wearisome times I tver had was when I was operated on, last week, to see if they could locate a missing brain. No trace was found of the brain.

the doctor tetls me, so that I might have recovered without any difficulty. But the trouble arose when they suddenly came In contact with a great vacuum which drew the instruments right out of their hands,

and since they could not get thel things in any way, they at last were forced to sew up my head again, leaving the tools inside. While I was lying perfectly quiet, I did not notice the inconvenience, but since I am now able to sit up and even walk around a little hit. they rattle about so horribly that I feel like a human Ford coming down the pike. Please write me e, little letter at once, dear cousin Lucy, telling me what all the Pugnose family is uoing. Until it comes, I am, Yours, in head rattling misery, Sammy Stay-at-Home. By David Henderson. Sammy Stay-at-Homo has several relatives who are doing great service in the army. Charles Cheeseface, his five hundred and fifty-sixth cousin, once removed, Is In the fifty-sixth division of ant killers, and has been awarded several times with a fine large, tin coated medal, for his great bravery. Prof. Shortfellow, author of the beautiful poem, "The Sweetpea and the Potato Peeling," is in the sixtysixty division of the potato bug expeditionary forces. The professor is very distinguished, as he is the only human being in the great division. Prof. Shortfellow is sergeant Stay-at-home's mother's stepbrother's uncle's sister-in-law's nephew by adoption. In other words, although there is no real relationship, Sammy Stay-at-Home claims Shorty as his two hundred and sixty-seventh cousin, so as to keep celebrated men in the family. Other relatives who are doing patriotic service at heme, are Susie Pigtail, Freddie Stickln-the-Mud, Jimmie Greenhorn, Iona Wartonnose and Milly Candlestick. David A. Henderson. Sammy Stay-at-Home's father was testing him in addition and he gave him this problem. "If you had twenty-five cents, and I should give you fifty cents, what would you have?" Sammy promptly answered, "A fit." Lynn Brendel. NEVER BE A LLNDEy.. A little boy who was on the train had a very bad cold and as he was suffering very much, a lady who was in the seat behind his asked if he had a handkerchief. "Yes." said the boy, "I have, but I don't lend it to everyone. NOTHING TO US. "I see in the papers the Germans are shooting a ton of lead in a single shot." "That is nothing our boys are shooting Teutons" (two tons). IN GOOD COMPANY. Judge: "Ain't you ashamed to be here so often?" Boozy Bill: "Why. bless your Honor, this place is quite respectable ter some places I've been." HE WAS WELL, ALL RIGHT. Mrs. Smith: "I'm afraid that I'll have to quit giving Tommy that tonic the doctor left for him." Mr. Smith: "Why, isn't he any better?" Mrs. Smith: "Oh. yes, but he has slid down the bannister six times this morning, broken the hall lamp, two vases, a pitcher and a looking glass. I don't feel that I can stand it much longer." NO WONDER. "How do you like your new neighbor?" "Not a bit," said a woman who was trying a little boys' hat on. "You see they don't like children." "How do you know?" "Well, they hurt John's feelings terribly when he throws stones at their dos or turns the hose on their windows. They looked at him real cross." Ruth Critchet, Warner school. NO HOPE. A charming hostess was entertaining a party of children, when she discovered one little fellow sitting over in a corner, apparently lost in thoughL

"What are you thinking about, Harry?" she asked In a pleasing tone. "Mother told me," piped the little fellow, "not to take two oranges, and I was thinking that I would be lucky if I got one." A SAFE BET. It was at the dinner table and the hostess addressed her husband's brother. "Do have another piece of pie, William." Why really I've already had two pieces; but It is so good I think I will have another." "Ha, ha! mother's a winner," said little Frank, excitedly. "She said she'd bet you'd make a pig of yourself." Ruth Critchett.

"Father," said little Harry excitedly, "there is a large black bug on the ceiling." Harry's father, who is a profes sor, was busy reading at the time, and he answered, without raising his eyes from his book: "Step on it and leave me alone." Contributed. NO DIFFERENCE Little Tommy came home from Sunday school one day In a very thoughtful mood. Finally, looking at his mother, he said: "Mother, don't you think that I've been a good boy since I've been going to Sunday school?" "Why, yes. Tommy, certainly," replied his mother. ""Don't you think that you could trust me now, mother?" "Of course I do; but why do you ask. Tommy?" "Oh, notfiin'," said the boy, "only I was wnderin' why you kept the cookies locked up just the same as you did before I went to Sunday school." Contributed. REWARD. Fifty dollars reward for a lost boy carrying on his back an empty bag, containing three railroad tunnels and an augerhole, and a monkey wrench. When seen last he was up in a ballon shoveling wind off of the couriaouse steeple. He was born day before tomorrow, thirteen years ago. Elizabeth Estelle, 111 North Third street. THE EXPLANATION. The attack made the other night by the Germans on Bouresches, which the American troops were holding, was so violent that the worst was feared. A report was received that the town had been occupied by the Germans and a major was sent down from headquarters to ascertain the facts. He fell In with the officer who had been entrusted with the defense of the village. "Are the Boches in Bouresches?" he inquired hastily. "Yes sir," was the reply. There was a lurid interlude and the staff officer was then understood to say: "Was it not the order that no Germans were to., be allowed to remain in Bouresches.'" "Yes sir." "Then, why the deuce have you left them there?" was demanded. Burying party not yet arrived, sir," was the quiet answer. Finally reaching a very attractive restaurant that rainy morning, I entered and took a quiet seat near the door. I was still very full of troubles, so bending my head I was making the most of the situation when I suddenly realized that my feet were becoming more and more wet. and looking down on the floor descivered that a pool was collecting very rapidly. At first I could not understand what was the matter, but after looking about the room I saw the cause. A distressed groom, with his bride who evidently was very disdainful, was having troubles

also, for the waiter was Insisting upon the payment of a bill which was making the miserable man drip quarts of prespiration over the room.

A Groom Was Having Troubles. JOKES. A teacher told the children the equator was an imaginary line running around the earth. The next day when a little boy was asked what the equator was he said that it was an managerle lion that had gotten loose and was running around the earth. Ruth Critchet. Q. Why was Eve made? A. For Adams Express Company. Little Johnny went to bed one night without saying his prayers and his mother, said, "Johnny why aren't you saying your prayers?" He answered, "Beoause I'm getting tired praying for the whole family." Grace Simcoke. "Gladys," said Mr. Cumrox, "what's the idea of these extravagant clothes and the face make up?" "We can't ignore the fachion. I t don't want to be thought differen and conspicuous." "Maybe it's a!l right. But it does seem to me that in a peaceable community ther's no need for so much camouflage," Washington Star. "What is that noise?" asked little James, Out walking in the park. "That noise you hear," his father said, "Is just the dogwood's bark." "And tell me why the dogwoods bark," He urged, "with such to-do!" "I think," his father said, "They hear The pussy-willows mew." Cleveland Leader. A man who Kept a small shop was waiting on a single customer one morning. His little boy and he were alone at the time, and the shopkeeper was obliged to go up stairs for some change. Before doing so he whispered to the little chap to watch the customer to see that he didn't steal anything. Very soon the proprietor returned with the necessary change, and the boy sang out: "He didn't steal anything. Pa; I watched him." Contributed. ALL ABOUT HOW TO DRIVE AND STEER AND EVERYTHING. A motoring authority in Denver, having nothing better to do, pro

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American Red Cross workers are showing French children the importance of taking care of their teeth. Over 173.000 people attended this child welfare exhibition. The motto "Clean Teeth Do Not Decay" applies just as much to our own "second line of defense" as it does at the front.

pounded a series of technical questions the other day to a group of feminine drivers. He says the results were amazing. No affidavit accompanies his report, but he's supposed to be a person of unquestioned veracity. Here are his questions and some of the answers he says lie got: Q. If your brakes failed to work going down hill, what would you do? A. I would jump out and throw a rock under the wheels, Q. Which side of a car going in the same direction must you pass? A. Always pass on the safest side. Q. If your engine stalled on a car track, what would you do? A. Telephone my husband to come and fix it. Q. When the car is standing, which side should be next to the curbing. A. The side nearest the sidewalk. Q. What precaution should be taken in backing your car? A. Reverse the engine. Q. What is the accelerator? A. A thing that has something to do with something inside the car, when you step on it, or something. Q. When the batteries run out what must you do? A. Run after them or get new ones. Q. Why must you keep grease and oil off the wheels? A. Because it gets your hands and clothes dirty. Q. What is the office of the spark plug? A. The omce of the spark plug is the office where it is made or sold. Q. How far must you stop from a fire hydrant? A. Far enough not to scratch the varnish. Q. If your eng:ne stalls going up a hill, what do you do? A. Try to start it. Q. What would you do if the steering gear broke? A. Drive to the nearest garage and have the man fix it. Q. What is the speed limit in the city? In the country? A. Not over forty miles an hour in the city. Slower in the country, because the roads are bad.

THEIR WINTER IN NEW YORK. By Grace Simcoke. The Sherwoods lived in an apartment in New York. The Thorton Boarding school was to start September 30, and it was now the 22d of that month. Mr. Sherwood had decided that the girls, Frances and Gwendolyn,' were to go to the boarding school so they were now sewing away to prepare for school. The day came when they were to start. The school was about six miles from their apartment so they had to go on the train. Every week-end they came home to visit their parent. They often brought a friend with them. The winter months flew quickly by and they had many a good time at school. When summer came they went to the seashore again and Gwendolyn was able to take part in fill of the sports.