Richmond Palladium (Daily), Volume 43, Number 185, 15 June 1918 — Page 14

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RICHMOND PALLADIUM, JUNE 15, 1918

HAL POD SLIPS A FEW PAST THE CENSOR

PUMPKIN CENTER GOS8IP. Reported Every so Often by Mr. G. Whlliklnt. Prof. Skint has been invited to deliver the Fourth of July speech at Squashville for the third straight year in succession. The Professor was feeling kind cf stuck up about it until Jake Skidder said the reason they invited him to come again was because the Squashville citizens 'aint found out yet what he was trying to talk about the first two times. Ezra Spudkins is going to join the army so he can write a book. Bill Perkins, who used to be the town good-for-nothing," came back this week .all 'dressed up Jike a house afire and wearing one of them Mexican , diamonds. Bill looked like a million dollars. He told the boys he had a job with Flingling Brothers circus as a lion tamer and was making $75 a week. Ed Ruben said he didn't know about Bill being a lion tamer, but he sure was a lyin' fool. After trying to buy a steak at Lem Splvins' butcher shop yesterday, Nick Huggins said he guessed the cow must be jumping over the moon again. If it gets much hotter mebbe the Pumpkin Center girls will put on their furs. Squire Tibbetts was up to Indianapolis this week, and when he come back he said he liked paved streets they got up there better than the dusty kind we got here. For one thing, the squire says, they taste better on a windy day. Jabez Smithers has dug a well on his farm and is going into the dairy and milk business. Lawyer Skinem has sold his flivver and bought an automobile. Ezra Boggs has got pretty well acquainted with his wife and kids since the state went dry. Eb Hicks says the war has changed the meaning of jitney into two bits. " Sam Valentine has hung a sign out in front of his second-hand shop which says, "Don't go some

place else to get sRinnea out oi your money come in here." Sam believes in telling the truth when he advertises. Jabez Slocum has started a war garden. If it turns out like everything else Jabez ever started, Mrs. Slocum will probably do the finishing. Eb Hutchins, who has been up to Indianapolis for the last month, came back the other day and tried to make some of the boys believe he was working in a tonsorial parlor up there. Lem Watkins said he wasn't doing no such thing because he was up there one day and saw Eb working in a barber shop. Deacon Cobcorn has just got back from the West, and he was telling the boys over at Squire Tibbets' grocery store how the big fish In the rivers out there eat the little sardines. Lafe Smith said mebbe the deacon was telling the truth alright, but he didn't see how they got them out of those little tin boxes. Hi Squash is eating his meals off the mantle piece for a spell. Mrs. Hi Squash entertained the Lady's Sewing circle and Hi sat down on a pin cushion somebody left in a chair. Mr. and Mrs. Lem Sprockets went up to Chicago to hear Billy Sunday talk in the tabernacle, after which they went to Battle Creek, Mich., for a week's recuperation. Ebenezer Stubbins got hurt Tuesday when he was kicked in the barn by a horse. Ed Zarrow says his bill from the electric light company reminds him of a famous poem "The Charge of the Light Brigade." Lemuel Perkins was never outside of Pumpkin county until he was drafted, and the boys write home from Camp Taylor and say that Lem has been going around every day wanting to know when the fighting was going to begin. Lem must think Camp Taylor is somewhere in France. Prof. Skint made a speech at the district school the other day and said literary experts was not exactly sure whether Shakespeare or Bacon wrote the works of whjch Shakespeafe Is credited as being the author. If Prof. Skint had been to the opera house Tuseday night to see that bunch of ham fat actors try to put on "Hamlet," he wouldn't need to have wondered any more who the author was. Whichever one turned over In his grave Tuesday night was the author. ,

TELL ME WHY IT IS! It you go to church regularly They call you a religious crank. It you don't go you're a heathen. If you save money your'e a tightwad. If you spend it you're a spendthrift. It you don't swear, smoke, drink Or chew they call you a sissy. If you do all of these things They call you a roughneck tough. If you are rich you're a mollycoddle. If you're poor you don't amount to inu If you are successful in business Then they say you are crooked. If not, they say you're brainless. If you don't do anything that You really ought not to do, Then you are called a model man. And according to Webster, Model is defined as a small Imitation of the real thing. What's the use?

USELESS NEWS FROM BUGTOWN. BUGTOWN, Ind. (Special correspondence reported by Lizzie Wheatfield.) Old Maid Stubbins don't seem to grow any older. She has been 22 now for the last five years, and the Lord knows how long she was 20. Lucy Ugleymug made $3.90 at a party Tuesday night. The young folks played a kissing game and every fellow was fined 10 cents if he refused to kiss the girl that sat down in his chair. Lucy's brother was the only one that didn't have to pay 10 cents fine. Hiram Lee took a load of hogs to town the other day and came back with another load, but it wasn't hogs, Matilda Bascomb got a letter from her lover in France and said she was mighty sore about it because some guy by the name of Censor had gone and opened it. Blunk Hawkins, who blew out the gas in a room in a hotel at Indianapolis, will be buried next Sunday.

GOOD CUSTOMER. SQUASHVILLE, Ind. Lem Barrow has got married again. This is the fourth time Lem has got married in the'last five years. Deacon Whippletree, who is also the graveyard sexton, says Lem is the best customer the Squashville cemetery has got.

SOME BRIDGE, BELIEVE MUH1 A friend of mine went to Chicago and he said that he saw the longest railroad bridge on earth. He followed the doggone thing for sixteen blocks intil somebody told him it was the elevated railroad.

BRIEF THOUGHTS. Watchful waiting is closely related to stagnation. A chicken in the lap is worth two in the barnyard. Likewise a hair on the Lead is worth two in the butter. Men who don't amount to much usually have the biggest tombstones. Just because a man marries a grass widow is no sign he is going to live in clover.

THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD. Lots of women say they would not wed unless they could wed a hero. It takes a hero to wed some women. Some men have a good memory when it comes to remembering to forget something they don't v,ant their wives to know about. About the only thing to be gained through consulting a lawyer is an increased respect for that lawyer's business ability.

3

Well, mebbe we were not prepared, but he who laughs last, laughs best. Whatever the kaiser is trying to do he doesn't seem to be doing it.

When I go walking down the street, It takes away my breath To see an undertaker's sign, For that's a sign of death.

BOTH SATISFIED. A man put his hand into a horse's mouth to find out how many teeth the horse had. The horse shut his mouth to find out how many fingers the man had. Both man and horse found out.

Tired cf Saving p

Wheat r J You dont know ' what it is to be Tired r

BELGIAN SOLDIER, INJURED, HELPS TO CAN THE KAISER!

Ys i- I IMviiveetcned, . 3

Write for Free Book to National War Garden Commission WASHINGTON, D.C.

Charles LSthrop Pack President

P.S.Ridsdale Secretary

!3!8-IOtnOHALWABGABDrHtOMMisSlOtl.wSM..O.C.

ASK ME ANYTHING! I ANSWER 'EM ALL. Sir: What do you think of a girl who wears furs in the summer time? Or of a girl who wears fussy shoes? Curiosity. Answer: I think she ought to be put in Class 1-A.

OH, YES, THERE IS. First Maried Man: There is nothing on earth that can beat a woman out of the last word. Second Married Man: Oh, yes there is. How about an echo?

PENAL SERVITUDE. Smith: Poverty is no crime. Jones: Perhaps not, but it has condemned many a man to hard labor.

PASSED BY THE CENSOR. A Peru, Ind., paper carried a want ad which read: "Lost, somewhere on Miami pike, two solitaire diamonds out of a set of ear rings, a diamond ring, a pair of pearl cuff buttons and a ruby stud." My golly! How they do doll up over at Peru when they go for a stroll on the pike.

AGREED1 A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, providing the said bird happens to grace the rear side of a half a dollar.

IT'S DIFFERENT NOW THAN IT USED TO BE. Mexico ought to remember before starting any kind of a war that front page space in the papers is all contracted for by Europe. Emily Pankhurst couldn't start a rough house and make the front page now. ... .

A BLOT ON THE MAP OF MO. There is a town in Shannon county, Missouri, by the name of Ink.

Luke McLuke says the pen is mightier than the sword because you can't sign checks with a sword.

The girls are wearing their stockings so thin they are not even

camouflage.

IGNATZ SAYS. There will probably be a hot contest on among Quincy, 111., boys in the service to see which one can get killed first, as the Quincy city council has decided io name a new band stand after the first Quincy boy who falls in action.

BOY, PAGE MR. CROWDER! There's a man over at Kokomo, Ind., by the name of I. Will Fight

LIFE'S LITTLE ANNOYANCES. When you run out of gasoline , seven miles from home and no garage nearer than two miles.

WHY NOT? Well, along with all this meatless and wheatless business, why not a heatless day or two?

50-50 PATRIOTISM. A burglar broke into a store and took four sacks of flour. The next night he came back and took four sacks of cornmeal substitute.

Judge: What is the prisoner charged with, officer? Cop: Assault and battery, your honor. He hit his wife over the head with a guitar. Judge: Clear case of guitar of the head, eh?

There is one thing I can do better than any other man in the world, and that is read my own handwriting.

They say that slavery has been abolished, but as long as we have booze and fashion I have my doubts. They say that money talks. Yes, it usually says "goodbye."

It Is more blessed to give than receive. Especially when it comes to giving the bride away.

A sure sign of spring is B. V. D.