Richmond Palladium (Daily), Volume 43, Number 179, 8 June 1918 — Page 12

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RICHMOND PALLADIUM, JUNE 8. 1918.

HAL POD SLIPS A FEW PAST THE CENSOR

PUMPKIN CENTER GOSSIP. Reported every so often by Mr. G. Whilikins Silas Tightwad refused to buy any War Savings Stamps because be said be had too much Income tax to pay That's my idea of. the meanest man on earth. Ezra Spudkins transacted business over in Ohio yesterday. Ezra - has developed quite a big business in Ohio since Indiana went dry. There won't be no church at the Pumpkin Methogational church Sunday because Deacon Hick3 has lost hi3 false teeth.- He ordered another set from Sears and Soakem's mall order house, but they . 'alnt got here yet Prof. Skint and Hen Hubbletree got into a fight Tuesday night Hen was trying to tell the Prof, something but he didn't have much success. Finally he told him if he ever did get it into his head he'd have it In a nutshell and that made Skint mad and he went at Hen like a house afire. They wasn't no casulties reported. Ike Tibbets has sold his butcher . Rhop and Is going into the . undertaking business. That's going to hurt Dr. Skidder's business be- : cause hi and Ike is mighty good . friends. People 'aint going to take no chances. Joshua Boggsgot sore at "Jim . Perkins over at the Owl cafe the other night because Joshua said be ordered some oyster soup and it Mlidn't have an oyster in it. " Jim said that wasn't anything because you wouldn't find no dogs in dog biscuits, either. - Mrs. Myrandy Perkins has fired young Pete Smith as clerk in her ' grocery store because he insulted a lady customer the other day. The customer asked Pete if he had any honey and he said he didn't have any, but he'd like to have one. Lem S pi wins brought back the now shovel he borrowed from : Mrs. Lucy Corntossel last winter - and wanted to borrow the lawn ' mower. Lucy said Lem did the ; same thing last yea and brought - back the lawn mower when it was - time to borrow the snow shovel. The Widow Huckleberry's ' boy, '. Tim, was home from the navy on a furlough last week. He says he likes the nary as much as a young ' girl likes to be kissed. He must like it pretty much.

Lizzie Cobcorn has got the appendicitis. . Lizzie would probably havHhe -smallpox if it ever got as ' stylish as appendicitis. Ben Perkins only planted ten ' acres of corn this year. He plant- ' ed twenty -acres last year, but he ' said be thought this was going to, be a dry Tear and de didn't think there would be enough rain for more than ten acres. Guests at the Sqnashtown hotel won't have to comb their hair from memory any more, according to Sheriff Getera who was up to Pumpkin Center the other day. The sheriff says Squire Tibbs has put in a looking glass. BUI Smithers writes that he put

a want ad in the Pumpkin Center Gossip last week and found his 1 lost hog right away. Bill says this here Gossip can't be beat when it

' comes to finding pigs. Hen Huckletree got hurt the ; other day while getting a cigar. Somebody stepped on his fingers. Lucy Stubbing sang "Back Home in Tennessee" at the entcrtain- - ment given in the opera house Monday night. Ezra Boggs said he

FLANNAGAN FROM IRELAND From Oirland Wuz Flannagan, Who used to have a job a wurrkin on the siction gang. A moighty good man wid the shovel an' the pick, He made the dirt fly an' he made it fly thick, Shure he wuz a rigular young Oirish mick, Wuz Flannagan, O' the siction gang. An Oirishman Wuz Flannagan, But he nivver wuz a bit o' credit to owld Oirland. Shure down to Mike O'Brien's about ivvery other nigh He'd git all liquored up an' thin he't want to start a fighi , Whin he wuz on a souse, shure he wuz a howly fright. Wuz Flannagan, From Oirland. This Oirishman Named Flannagan, Used to have a riputation as a moighty bad man. Whin he wuz full o' rotten booze it seemed to droive him mad, Shure he had an awful timper, wuz a wild and rickless lad, An' he used to cuss his mither an' he used to lick his dad, Did Flannagan, O' the siction gang. Now Flannagan, The Oirishman, Enlisted in the army shortly after war began. They sint him down to camp an sure they made him toe the mark He learned a lot o' things he nivver learned in County Cork. Shure he found that army life wuz nivver mint to be a lark, But it made a man Out o' Flannagan. Now Flannagan, From Oirland, Got a furlough from the army an' he came back home again. Ye nivver would have known he wuz the same owld Flannagan; He'd cut out all his boozin', wuz a moighty fine young man. Shure he wuz a lot o' cridit to the name o' Oirland, Wuz Flannagan, The army man.

didn't know much about music, but he thought Lucy ought to never have left Tennessee. II ez Gumpton is eating his meals at the boarding house now. Hez's wife told him the other day she thought he was a crazy fool and Hex said he'd known that ever since he got married. Squire Tibbets was winding up

his flivver the other day and it flew off the handle. Ed Zarrow got hurt the other morning when he came home at 2

O'clock. His wife hit him with a

potato masher. Ed will recover it they give him time. ' "Which is the most important, the dish rag or the mop?" will be the subject of a debate at the district school Saturday afternoon. Eb Hicks says it don't make any difference if they cail it sauer kraut or Liberty cabbage, it will always give out the same kind ot a stink.

BRIEF THOUGHTS. A man can't kick if he's got the gout. I should worry about expenses I've got lots of 'em. Many a high class dancer finds bis way to the poor house. A waiter at the restaurant told me they didn't make hash. He said it just accumulated.

The deader business is the better

it is for the undertake!-.

CORRECT! "A bird in the hand is worth two

in the bush," remarked the man of i

wisdom. "You r.re right," replied the philosopher. "Especially if the said bird happens to be on the back of a half a dollar."

THE PEN IS MIGHTIER

THAN THE SWORD. Love is blind. Mebbe that's why they trun down the lights in the parlor. However, marriage is a mighty good eye specialist. It's alright to "Keep Your Eye on the Girlie You Love" but most guys keep theirs on a few other, too. Talking about songs, we'll all ping "This is the End of a Perfect Day" when they bury the Kaiser. Man wants but little heie below, according to an old adage. Mebbe that means little of work.

There are a lot of guys who pass into eternity because they didn't know it was loaded.

Luke McLuke says why worry

about expenses when you can find Economy in Tennessee. Why go to Tennessee? We've got Economy right up here in Perry township. Luke.

A LOWBROW ESSAY ON THE SALOON QUESTION. The advance of the great Sahara has not served to greatly decrease the number of oasises in bone-dry Indiana. Of course those that still linger with us are of the jag-proof variety, but they nevertheless dispense the same color vintage as in the good old days of yore some of it dark and some of it light. It looks like the real stuff, it tastes like it, it smells like it but it lacks the kick. It's even hard to work up a conversation over a scuttle of nearbeer. When old John Barleycorn stepped down and out he certainly took a lot of headaches along with him. It's a new experience for some men to wake up Sunday morning without a headache. The State of Indiana is certainly dry ,too no denying the fact. Why the other day I saw a brewery wagon t,tanding out in the street with it3 tongue hanging out. But ore good thing about it a lot of men have had a chance to et acquainted with their wives and kids. Mr. Bryan Is deserving of some credit for the stand he has taken in favor of grape juice as against liquor ot the redeye variety. They say that his prohibition speeches are great I have no doubt, however, that they are dry in more ways than one. A New York magazine recently said that swallows were becoming extinct in Indiana and have been the times. Swallows are already extinct in Indianua and have been so since the second day of April, 1918. But what will poor old Father Jiggs do now that Dinty Moore has had to close up? Be all this as it may, however, according to Professor Drinkup, B. V. D., A. M., and P. M., there are certain familiar phrases which have now become totally extinct in the good old Hoosier state, among them being: "Here's a dime, Albert. Go fill up the can." ' Give me a little chaser on the side." "What'll you have, gents?" "I'll take a cigar for mine."

ASK ME ANYTHING! I ANSWER 'EM ALL. Kind Sir: I am an honest lawyer and also a Democrat. I have heard that there is a good chance for an bonest lawyer to locate iu Richmond. Will you advise me as to this? I. Skinem, X. Y. Z. Answer: I have never before heard of an honest lawyer who was also a Democrat. If you come to Richmond you'd better change your politics. You are quite unique. If you are honest you will have no competition here whatever. If you are a Democrat, yon will be protected by the game laws. Here's Anothe". Most Honored Sir: Herewith I am sending you two pictures taken here at the training camp. One is in the gas mask and the other a picture of myself in full dress uniform. Which one do you like the best? A Soldier. Answer: The best one is where you are wearing the gas mask. And Stifl One More. Sir: I see where the Kaiser has said that he intends to assess an indemnity of $25,000,000,000 against the United States when this war is over. What do you think of that? Mr. Ed. U. Cate. Answer: That only goes to show that there is some humor in this war after all. He might as well have made a bigger fool out of himself, though, and made it a hundred billion while he was at it.

OH, PROHIBITION! WHERE IS THY STING?

BIG AUCTION SALE. - First Day of Nowonder. I, Mr. B. V. D. ' Suit, intending to commit suicide, will sell all my household and other goods at public auction at my farm sometime before breakfast on the other side of Somewhere in the U. S. A. 1 Poland China Cow 1 (Good as new) 2 Bantam Pigs 2 4 Bay Cows 4 Two of these cows are fall cows and the other two never did fall. Full directions with each cow. Will also sell two . fine goats which have whiskers "a-la-mode." Good for use in any lodge. 1- Fine Setter Pup 1 Warranted to set wherever put. 1 Thomas Cat 1 Eight cylinders, self starter, but without muffler.

A SHEAR STEAL. I admit that 1 stole this one, but it was too good not to steal. An elaborate funeral procession was passing along the street and a stranger stopped a youngster to inquire who might be dead. "The guy in the coffin is dead," said the smart kid. "Yes, of course," agreed the stranger. "But who might the guy in the coffin be?" "It's the mayor of the town," re

plied the youth. "Well, well. So the mayor is dead." , The youngster cast a withering look upon the stranger. "Well, I rather guess he's dead. Did you think he was having a rehearsal?"

ftOO HOO IF HVV H - . . oMit. uamI

uAifCrv

BEEN Kt -

I fUOn i -ESCAPED THIS

BEAN BLIGHT IS CONTAGIOUS

After trying a piece of that wheatless strawberryless strawberry shortcake, I am more than ever convinced that Sherman wa3 right when he made that famous remark rbout war.

MARY AND THE GYPSIES, w.rite hpr parents a lcUer

..... , , wnai sne wrote

unce mere was a iuue gin

This is

whose name was Mary. She lived in Wareham. She was eight years old. Her parents were very itch. One night they were going to a ball. Before Mary's mother left she put Mary to bed and told the nurse not to awaken her. After a while the nurse, heard Mary scream, she ran upstairs to see it

Mary was awake. As she entered !

Mary's room she saw a man climb out of the window with Mary in his arms. He was a gypsy. The nurse sent the cook after a policeman. When the father and mother came home they were much grieved. They hunted for Mary for many days. AH this time Mary was traveling around the earth with the gypsies. She could not understand their language and cried most of the

Dear Papa and Mama: We will be in Wareham soon. Get me if you can. Your loving daughter, MARY. She then mailed the letter at the postoffice. One day they reached Wareham. Mary looked everywhere for her father and mother. Just as she saw them a policeman came into the wagon and asked if she was Mary. She said that she was. The officer then took her to her parents and arrested the gypsies. Mary lived happy ever afterWanda Mae Fulkerson, Fountain City, Indiana.

Every household should equip as for a siege, by canning and drying vegetables and fruits. The book issued by the National War Garden Commission, Washington, D. C, tells how. , Sent for 2 cents for

time. One day she decided to postage.

THE MOUSE One day the little girl was out for a walk. She left her writing and ink on the stand in her writing room. Tl.e cat and two kittens came in and were amusing themselves. Molly was the big cat's name and Spot and Blackie were the kitten's names. Molly said. "I think if you will be quiet I will catch you something good to eat." Spot asked, "What will it be?" Molly said, "Wait and see." So they waited and in a little while they saw their mother upset the ink stand and spill the ink ail over th-i floor and books. They said, "What in the world is the matter with you, mother?" The mother said, "I have caught the mouse." The little kitten' said, "A mouse! Let us see it." They were afraid ot the mouse.

Molly said, "Don't be afraid, it is dead." So the little kittens were going to eat it, when the little girl came in. She wondered what had spilled her ink. The little girl said, "You naughty kittens. ' Then she put them out the door and they did not get in any more after that. Marie Myers, 6 A, Sevastopol school.

WHAT WE IJUY We buy Thrift Stamps, We buy Bonds We buy War Certificates, .To keep back Uio Huns. We buy the Thrift Stamps, To make the U. S. look big And every Thrift Stamp we buy Makes the Kaiser dig. By Ieroy Yost, Sevastopol, Richmond, Ind.

HOW I GET MONEY TO BUY THRIFT STAMPS I get my money to buy Thrift Stamps by running errands and getting milk for a lady. I get a penny every evening. Sometimes I help my father and he gives ma money. Every time I get a quarter my father gives me a quarter to put with it. We have a hundred per cent in our room. I have seven .Thrift Stamps now. I think I will get two more this week, then I will have nine. I want to get more than one book full this month and next month. Leola Sanderson, 6B grade, Sevastopol School.

WHAT I HAVE IN MY GARDEN I have onions, radishes, beans, potatoes, peas, cabbage plants and some flowers in my garden. Margaret Weadlck, Webster school.