Richmond Palladium (Daily), Volume 43, Number 23, 8 December 1917 — Page 13

PAGE THREB Cu"uCDLL WAR XTRA WAR XTRA "The Official Wind-Jammer of the Community" ISSUED CONTINUALLY Hlcksville "Somewhere in America" PRICE ONE SMILE

THE RICHMOND PALLADIUM. DEO. 8. 1917.

THE

AGAIN I WE HEAR FROM THOSE OLD MAIDS LIPS

Katherine Reid entertained Aunt Matildi for a little chat and a five o'clock tea last Sunday. Aunt Matilda enjoyed it, especially the tea. Thanksgiving Thomas Schumaker went to see Jack and the Beanstalk. Pretty good wasn't it Tommy? True Patriotism. Not one of the old maids had turkey for dinner Thanksgiving. They were all old chickens. As all of the old maids look under the bed before retiring we do too. If you continue to read this corner you will soon adopt our habit Dan Webster. Why go so far to see him when you have such a splendid dictionary in your own home town? One of Aunt Mabitable's most noted words is scrumphurious. Perhaps you have head her use it. Now she invented it herself, last spring. For definition of the word see the old maid's corner any time. A great many people .try to use it but Aunt . Mahitable is the only one that can use it pioperly. If you ever want your picture drawn just go to Dan Rost. He is some artist. The ether day Ruth Smith had one coat on over her arm and one wrapped in a newspaper. We thought that she was going to wear all three but she took two of them off. Aunt Mahitable's cat is still roaming around the world. Don't forget that the Old Maid's would like some candy for Christmas. AN OLD MAID'S OPINION OF HEAVEN The Golden Gate of Heaven Opened unto me, As in I stepped and looked around, Three Angels reached for me. They took my hand and led me, To a door which opened wide, As soft they walked and whispered low, I went with them inside. They shut the door and said to me In a voice of silver tone, "We are going to some one else, And leave you here alone." With spirits gay they left me there And sitting all alone, I peacefully and quietly, Just thought about my home. A Modern Science. When the noon bell zings An' we put away our things An assume most pleasant faces, We shout, laugh and hollers Like ful-of-vim echoolars An' away after out dinner races. 9 When the, noon hour comes Why everbody just hums In anticipation of their dinner. To who'll find the key Of all this hearty glee We'll honorably award the winner. Now friends I'm statin' right It's not all out appetite Nor is it a habit formed But it's a knowledge to keep To keep cheerful when you eat For it's a science, I'll be domed. Our patriotism's over flowing There is no doubt of it And's going to keep on a going Soon's we boys learn to knit.

Earning Christmas Money. Silk hal ted Gentleman (suspiciously) "What are you planning to do with all those snowballs, my little man?" Boy "I'm sellin' 'em three for a nickel. And them as don't buy get3 'em for nothln'." The gentleman in the silk hat bought the lot

HICKSVILLE BREEZE

Published every week to tell almost the truth, and lives up to its reputation. Editor-in-Chief CHARLES MacLEONIIARDT. Huckelberry Finn, Associate Editor Lucy Corntossel, Society Editor. General Nuisance, Fighting Editor. Uncle Ez Zarrow, Cartoonist. Rastus Johnson, Sporting Editor. Matilda Ebbs, Movie Editor. Katinka Zarrow, Scenic Artist. Cause For Worry. "What are you crying about?" the kindly old gentleman asked the sobbing small boy. '"Cause my pa's a philanthrop ist." "Well, well, that's nothing to cry about, is it?" "I guess you'd think it was. He he says he'll give me five dollars for Christmas providing I can raise an equal amount. Boo hoo!" Labor Lost Mr. Harrison had been invited out for Christmas dinner but he had been warned that he would have to do the carving. He bought a cook book and a turkey and worked out a blue print of the bird He took a couple of lessons from the server at his restaurant. Christ mas day found him awaiting the turkey with self-confidence and a degree of pride. They were seated at table. The maid came in and bore urcn her tray a little roast pig. Christmas Morning. Nurse "Johnnie, see the lovely new brother that Santa just brought you!" Johnnie (doubtfully "Well, s'pose we'll have to keep him this year, but next year I'm going to give him away to Sammie Smith." These Modern Children! Old Lady "You believe in Santa don't you, dearie?" Small Boy "No, I can't say that I do, and I don't believe little sister does either, but mother does and we didn't like to disappoint her." The Helping Hand. Aunt Mary (horrified) "Good gracious, Harold, what would your papa say if he saw you smoking that nasty cigar?" Harold (calmly) "Dad? Why, he'd be tickled to death. They're his Christmas cigars from mother." A New One. Orate Wife (at four a. m.) "What do you mean coming home at this time in the morning?" Happy Husband "You see, it was like this. I went out to do my Christmas shopping early but none of the shops are open yet, so I came back home." Banking Made Easy. Bank Cashier You will have to bo identifed, madam. Lady My friend here will identify me.. . Cashier But I don't know her. Lady Oh, well, I'll introduce you. No Dodging Now! Editor Have you submitted these poems anywhere else, first? Poet No. sir. Editor Then, where did you get that black eye? Judge. LAST ISSUE OF THE HICKSVILLE BREEZE UNTIL AFTER THE WAR Charles MacLeonhardt, editor-in-chief of the Hlcksville Breeze has enlisted in the Ordnance Departs ment of the Army as Printer. The Breeze office will be .closed until after the war. The Hickeville Breeze, known as "then official Wind-jammer of the community" anad noted for its reputation of "almost telling the truth" will be missed by all children from the agea of "toothtless to false teeth" (between the ages of ninety-nine years) but it is hoped that all will continue to enjoy the good little Junior Palladium, and its worthy contributors just the same.

Good-Bye Breeze ; Good Good-Bye Mac;

Ms fey

CHARLES MacLEONHARDT

(Contributed

Charles McLeonhardt, (should be lion-heart) has enlisted and the Hicksville Breeze sighs sighs of wondorous size thereat. Huckelberry Finn has lost his title as associate editor. Lucy Corntassel society editor says it goes against the grain. General Nuisance, fighting editor, says it is a knock out. Uncle Ez Zarrow, cartoonist, is full of gloomy pictures. Rastus Johnson, sporting editor, is moved. Katinka Zarrow, scenic artist, is packing up trunks and will go to France as a Tommy Waac. Mac, the official wind jammer of the community, as foreman of the ad-rooms, an alley man is to join the allies. As make-up man of the Junior Palladium, we all admire that admirable composition, the composition of a patriotic American citizen. "Mac" goes into the U. S. ordnance department as a printer. Great guns. He has faced powder before in a Richmond barber shop. The Hicksville Breeze, price one smile, issued continuously, now joins with other and more momentous issues. The Breeze office is closed until after the war. It was published somewhere in America, but the readers of the Junior Palladium will miss the "pal" that was put into that title. Mac who ran the Hicksville Breeze, ' He could move us with a wheeze, Mac who ran the columns fine, Now has joined another line; Mac who did our fancies storm, Shows to us another "form," Mac, who oft would gothic gripe, Shows he's the brave Yankee type, Mac, who was true blue and "bred, Never lost on ads his "head," Mac, the printer, say oh say. Here's to his right good "display," Here's to Mac, his hands we take, He has done his duty shake. With this wish and not in vain, May he soon Breeze back again.

Furnishing a Substitute. Bessla had a new dime to invest in ice cream soda. "Why don't you give your dime to missions?" said the minister who was calling. "I though about that," said Bessie, "but I think I'll buy the ice cream and let the druggist give it to the missions." Christian Herald.

- Bye Subscribers ; Good-Bye Everything

fa by C. D. IL) Sage Advice. It's foolish to be extravagant at Christmas. If you really want your friends to remember it, give them a cheap present. Papa's Job. "What Is Billy Hardatit doing these days?" "Oh, he's busy as usual working his son's way through college."

WE'RE 60IN6 TO GIGGLE

READ ON BRAVE ONES Not Exchangeable. "I hear you have a little sinter at your house," said a Chicago grocer to a small boy. "Yes, sir," said Johnny. "Do you like that?" was queried. "I wish it was a boy," said Johnny, "so I could play marbles with him, an' baseball." "Well' said the storekeeper, "why don't you exchange your littie sister for a boy?" Johnny reflected for a minute, then he said rather sorrowfnllyt "We can't now. It's too late. We're used her four weeks." Soothing. Doctor I's afraid your poor huaband is beyond help. I can hoM out no hope. Voice from BedEre, oo are ye gettln' at? I ain't agoin' to snuff outl Wife You leave it to the doctor, dearie. 'E knows best! Sat On. Simon Segal sat In a street car in his new overcoat. A stout woman sat down on either side of him as the car filled up. Then a third woman stood in front of him. He essayed to get up and give her his seat but found he couldn't move. "Each of the women on either side of his," reports a friend, "was sitting on a spread-oat tail of bis new overcoat." The Good Son. There was a quarter of an apple pie on the lunch table and mamma divided it between Bobbie and Elsie. Bobby looked at his mother's empty plate. "Mamma," he said, earnestly, "I can't enjoy my pte when you haven't any. Take Elsie's." ON THANKSGIVING We will eat what's set. Drink what's wet, And be thankful for what we get Jerome Bentley, Starr School. SOAP Mike to Pat Say, Pat, the lady up the road said if I woold cut her an arm load of wood she would give me a cake. Did she keep her word? Yes, she gave me a cake of soap. George Bean. Possible, But Improbable. Ed. Johnson has found "the luckiest autoist." This man ran oat of gasoline in front of a gas station. His car stopped short because of a burned out switch before his own garage at the end of a 80-mile drive. His car stopped again because of a broken commutator this just at the moment he arrived at his office in the morning. And a tire blew out in front of a service-free tire shop. AH this happened within two weeks. Lots of 'Em. "Tommie, do you know what a prevaricator is?" "Yes'm. Pop told me." "Well, what is a prevaricator?" "Pop says a prevaricator Is a man who tells you he's glad he's married," Don't Abbreviate Your Honey. Said the pretty girl To her sweetheart, "Son, For goodness' sake Don't call me Hun." Christmas Spending. Wife "We'll spend a pleasant Christmas, won't we?" Husband "It'll be all we'll have left to spend." Necessity. "They say that one person can live well on ten cents a week by following the conservation diet Do you believe It's possible?" "No, but I'm going to have to prove that it's possible when Christmas Is over."