Richmond Palladium (Daily), Volume 43, Number 17, 1 December 1917 — Page 15

PAQB Til REM THANKSGIVING DAY Thanksgiving day we went to my grandparents. We started tit P:00 and arrived at 10:00. . We liad din ner at neon which consisted of chicken, rubbit, mashed potatoes cninberrles, sweet potatoes and good home made bread. After dinner we played games as: Hide-and-go-seek, Tag, May I Cheese and lied Light. We played until our parents called us sayiuc; that the apples were roasted and the nuts were cracked. We sat around the fire eating apples and nuts and telling old fashioned stories. We started home at 5:00 and arrived at C: 00.. We had f very nice Thanksgiving and hope there will be many other like It. Josephine Bodley, 1A, Columbia City. Ind. . . . Thelma and Marguerite 1 Once there was a man and he had two daughters who lived with him in a hut. The girls names were Thelma . and Marguerite. They were so poor they could not afford a house, but had to live, in thi3 hut. Their father had to cut wood to make a living'. There was a Sunday school nearby. But they never had nice clothes to wear so they did not go. One night when the two girls and their father were at home, a knock' came at the door. - It was J father. . And there was fifty do!-;' lars, tool ' They went to Sunday school the-next Sunday, and they! enjoyed it so much that they; went! to Sunday, school ever after. Elsie" Baker, Finley, school., . . . v j , How Much? ) Victim What ; has . happened?! Where-am I? .. . . - ! Doctor You have been seriously ; injured in a trolley accident. But' cheer up you will recover. j v- l Victim How much? - the preacher from the . Sunday schnol. He asked them why they; didn't ever come to Sunday school. They told him they did not ever have nice clothes to wear like the others. The preacher asked if they would come if they had nice clothes like the others had. : They said, they would. Two or. three days later a trunk was brought to their door. When the girls opened it, there they saw a lot of pretty new clothes for. them and a new suit for their The Trettiest Girl (before the troops entrain): What would you say if I kissed you right before all this crowd. The soldier: I'd say: "Thanks for the war, kaher!"

THE RICHMOND PALLADIUM, DEC; 1. 1917.:

Breeze is Good

I86UED CONTINUALLY HICKSVILLE PUTS BAN ON LOUO SOUP EATING Old Maid Falls Oown Stairs Wife DoubleCrosses Hubby Other Useless Gossip. Miss Liz Squashby who is so skinny, started to come down stairs this morning when she slipped on the top step and tore the carpet in several places. She didn't realire what had happened until she hit the botton. She will recover if they give her time. Owing to the many complaints of strangers eating soup at the Village restaurant with so much annoyance, Manager Doops decided to put up a sign saying, "No noisy liquids served," so he can protect his regular customers. L Constable Plumb has a complaint from Neut Weatherby that his wife double-crossed him. She bent a poker over his head as he came in the house and nearly broke his back with a mop as he left the house, was his complaint. He is eating his meals up-town now. Ez Zarrow had quiet a painting spurt this fall when he painted everything in sight around his place except his wife and she does her own painting. Two small colored boys of our village wandered away from home the other day into a nearby woods. While passing a cave they noticed two small cub bears playing at the entrance; when the bears saw the little colored boys they became frightened and made a quick getaway Into the den. The little boys thought they would invesigate further and catch the little bears if they could and as Henry was the oldest, he crawled back into the den while Rastus stayed on the outside and watched for the mamma bear, all at a sudden everything became dark, and Henry yelled: "Whafe doh cental' la the hole?" Rastus who had a firm hold on the mamma bear's tail replied very quickly: "If thi heah tail hold slips, youh see what doh comln in the hole." ' Jake Weatherby, our prominent postmaster says, "Nothing upsets a woman near as much as hearing of some one getting married, that she did not know was engaged." Whil? in the All-in restaurant the other day some stranger said "his cocoa was cold." Luke Hawkins the head waiter told him to put on his hat. Some people may not have any idea of the value of time, but Jim Boots' boy was seen in Ikensky's pawn shop getting "his value" redeemed. Uncle Josh Billings wno fell off an ordinary bicycle nine times in one square, has signed up with a circus for next year. Squire Blinkly was over io the city last week and he says, "never iu all bis born days did he see an auto that could go so fast as that make called "Patrol." and if he sells his cow, and enough egs next year that's the kind he will buy." j The town clerg Bosley reports that the June bride business was rather dull this year, on account of the good times we reckon. 1

THE MieKSViLk

HICKSVILLE BREEZE Published every week to tell almost the truth, and lives up to its reputation. CHARLES MacLEONHARDT, Editor-in-Chief Huckelberry Finn, Associate Editor Lucy Corntossel, Society Editor. General Nuisance, Fighting Editor. Uncle Ez Zarrow, Cartoonist. Rastus Johnson, Sporting Editor. Matilda Ebbs, Movie Editor. Katinka Zarrow, Scenic Artist. Arithmetic. "Many a Utile makes a mickle." It takes five pennies to make a nickel; It takes a nickel to buy an egg, For the little red hea is a first class yegg. It takes five eggs for custard pie, So we don't have any when eggs are high; For it takes five pies for our faniilee. Counting my brothers" and 6isters and me, And ray mother's Paw and my father's Maw And my father's father and mother-in-law; And t'would take five families big as ours, And all of 'em gifted with extra powers In wind and muscle and arms and To earn the money to buy the eggs. And if all five families wanted pie. With milk so scarce and eggs so higfa. How many pennies would that be? I hate Arithmetic, dont yon? And I wish this blamed old war My teacher says, she says to me! was thru ! The Mermaid. The mermaid is a funny girl, Now this we know Is true; She's never heard to ask a man To please tie up her shoe. Oh, who would not a mermaid be! She never moans or walls; For even tlio she takes on flesh, She's not afraid of scales. And when you bid her to the show, She doesn't make you' wait Forbours and hours that she may know . For sure her hat's on straight! And mermaids never have been known To givo their husbands blues. By saying that they-ve got to have Some fourteen dollar shoes. Altho she's truly in the swim. The mermaid never flirts; She has no pesky corns to trim, And no divided skirts. Powder Mill Is Mild. . "Do you play football?'' "N-no that's too rough." "Do you play baseball?" N-no that's too eiciting." "Well, maybe you tackle lawn tennis?" "I have a weak heart" "Rowing? "Too dangerous." "Well, for the Lord's sake, as you never play, what do you do in the way of work?" "I I work in a powder factory." The Women. When women meet some afternoon, They act a little like the men. Except when women meet, you see, There's never any silence then.

"THE OFFICIAL WINDJAMMER OF THE COMMUNITY".

Hickiville "Somewhere in America?

GREENSFORK GANG GETS NEWS IN BREEZE TOOAY Raymond Wise has been absent from school a tew days. If got it right, he broke his arm while tryins to put on his collar, j ; Willie Moyer has also been absent a w hile, as a result of an accident on purpose. The tother day while running over this year's school record, he found, much to his joy, that he had had no fights. He tried to celebrate the occasion by patting himself on the back. This cairiee resulted lu a dislocated shoulder. J . Virgil Cottington says: Of all things below and above, In America or Brazil; The thing that i most love Is just a pretty hill. "Say," says I, "honey" "There's a hair off yer dome." "Surely not," she says, "sonny," "That came off my comb." Little Ralph's essay on corn. Corn is our important crop for several big reasons. The corn crops make it eiy for Dad to build the fire of a morning and the cobs are used, too. a whole lot for makin' pipes. Dad says "this is entirely unnecessary," Just cause he can afford costlier ones. I say it's a good biznus cause every country boy knows how to make a corncob pipe. I dont -know whether the cornsilk helps make corn important or not. It s a nuisance when yer fixin' roastin' ears, but it comes in handy when us boys ain't got no tobalio ou us. I tell ya. The grains kA corn are used to feed hogs and make corn bread, the deluc'y of "11." The stalks are used a lot to make slings to tnrow rocks. Tne leaves are used for fodder. The stubs in the ground are use to agitate city trespassers who hunt just for sport. I toope you can see now why corn is the iroportantest crop. Oon't Know Yet But "Been hunting today, stranger?" "Yes." , "Shot anything?" "I don't know yet I'm waiting for the rest of the party to get into camp so that we can call the roll." Cut It Dear! "Now he objects to my coming to breakfast with my hair in curi papers. Says that is the climax. What shall I do?" "Better cap the climax, my dear." Lost Hi Head Also. , . "What happened when you encountered the burglar?" "lie took my breath away." "Anything else anything of value?" asked the officer mechanically. When Prices Go Up. "How much is a chicken wuf?" inquired Mr. Lrastus Pinkley. "What do you care?" inquired the dealer, "You are raising chickens of your own." "Yes, an," every night or so, I misses a chicken. I's ginter let it go on till de price rises a few mo' notches an' den I's ginter make it a case of grand larceny." He Was Trying! "I'm very much afraid that Jimmle isn't trying enough," wrote an anxious mother to the teacher. "You are quite wrong,"- wrote back the tired teacbeT. "Jimmic is the most trying boy in the class"

Village Squibs ,

The remaining Three Old Maids Club gave a masquerade, last Saturday night, and it' was an honest fact that some of their patrons really improved when they were masked. Ben Miller ha3 bought a new corn shredder and se says, "hands off" and Constable Plum told us that was the way Pinkey Blinks lost one of his hands. . . - Jean Ebbs has posted a sign on his corner ' grocery store which reads; "Don't feed the . animals," and all we can see around the place is a lazy cat and a pepless pup. Huckelberry Finn's grandad says, "there's one thing about an auto after it is worked all week, you don't hate to take it out and drive on Sunday." Old Maid Darrow said, "If she had her life to live over again, she would select the five years that she was eighteen." There was quite a scare in the village this morning when it was learned that a rejected suitor was in town. "How Cod Fish Is' Dried" and "How to Hold Your Husband in Rhubarb Season," are the titles of two lectures that will be delivered by Prof. Soup at the Ka La-Doots theatre next Wednesday for the benefit of the Art Embroidery club. Miss Matilda Zarrow told her grand-mother that after she got her high shoes laced, she was too tired to go anyplace. ' A chicken thief entered the home of Ez Pashby last night and took away his remaining daughter Evelyn. An exira session of the Ladies' Art Embroidery club called when they heard that Miss Adelia Mopps received a love letter that contained the following verse at the close' jf the letter: "My pen Is poor, my ink is pale, but my love for you Ehall never fall." Yankee's Way Quickest. Two insurance agents' a Yankee and an Englishman were bragging about their rival methods. . ; The Britisher was holding forth on the system of prompt payment carried out by his people no trouble, no fuss, no attmpt to wriggle out of settlement "If the man died tonight," he continued, ."his widow would receive her money by the first post tomorrow morning." "You don't say?" drawled the Yankee. "See here, now; you talk of prompt payment! WaaL our office is on the third floor of a building 49 stories high. One of onr clients lived in that forty-ninth story, and he fell out of the window. We handed him his check as he passed." The Brute The German kaiser I did meet. He said he owned our lands; 1 I simply knocked him off his feet. And then I tied his hands. And then he bessed, "Please let me go. And I'll do no more harm." And then I said: "I know you won't "I put yo-i on a farm.". .

'Use Less Wind'

PRICE ONE SMILE: 14 CATS! NO WONDER HOST OF THEM CROAKED Other Important Gossip is Told in the Old Maids' Corner to Make Life Worth While. In the summer it seemed as though Granny Hodapp intended to bo an Old Maid, because she bad fourteen (14) cats'. But alas, they all have died but one. Something new for January first, 18, and after: Some ot the girls of an 8A class at Garfield are going to wear middies, (green ones too.) after the Christmas holidays, Just to s.tart the year off right. We wonder if Reba Boggs and Ruth Smith have stopped shaking yet. Last week' they both had to be: witnesses at a trial and they almost shook to pieces, (so they said.) , It seems as though Tommy Schumakcr does pay some attention to the Old Maids' Corner, even though he vowed the wouldn't, because he says the, talk so "sassy." . Beachy Eggemeyer has recently been a printer.. . She printed signs for the Old Maids the other day, and they read as follows: Votes for Women! The "He'Brutes," Down with Them! (Yes, and when we want to vote tho men won't let us because they say we are so good looking we might paralize the election judges.) ! The Old Maids want to remind' everyone that they certainly would enjoy a box of eandy for Christ-' mas. They will be glad to receive a box from anyone, so all the admiring friends who enjoy reading this corned need not be a bit bashful about donating their tokens ot appreciation. -Aunt Mahitable is a yery patriotic old maid. She even believes in taking poor little French orprans under her t ing, and sending Christmas presents to them. Bob Hornaday got in an: awful big hurry last Wednesday. He put his cornet away before the orchestra was ball through playing. ' Some people wonder how: the old maids ' get so many Ideas (or their corner, but all yon would have to do Is follow them around for a little while and you soo would see. As Aunt Mahitable says, all they have to do is stamp their feet and clap their hands, and the ideas just pop out. ' ;, Liza Jane (otherwise known as Edna Mae Ruby), sang a song for the whole 8A clasa last w(Pk. That just shows that even old- maids have their talents. He Won't Come Back. Poor Tim Murphy went up in premature blast and Mike Mulligan was delegated to break the news to the widow. After a few casual nv marks, Mike asked, "Has Tim any Insurance on his life?" "He bas indeed." replied Mrs. Murphy. . "Well." said Mike, "we can't collect yuro pore husband, but we'll help ye collect that" Advice. Don't waste your time In telling - Jones. ' That he's a liar thro and thru, P.ecause if Jones is really one. He knows it just as well as yoi.