Richmond Palladium (Daily), Volume 42, Number 317, 17 November 1917 — Page 13

PAGE THREB WHAT A TURKEY DID "I was hatched from a turkey egg la Vermont. I was bigger and fatter than any of my brothers and sisters. I lived on a farm. "When I grew older the farmer got me ready for marKet and weighed me and said I would be worth five dollars. Then he put me in a refrigerator and hurried me off to market They hung me up by my feet I had not stopped swinging when a prosperous looking man bought me, then paid the boy for bringing me to his house. "The children were Just coming home from school. When they camo Into the house they said, "Oh, goody! Oh, goody! What a nice fat turkey." The next day they roasted me until I was brown all over. I felt hot, and inside me was some nice stuffings. Then they brought me on the table. "How good it smells and how good It looks," the children said. "Before they sat down they tha "Before they sat down they-thank-ed God for me, then the man stood up and began to slice me. He took some of the slices into the kitchen and packed them in a basket with some other good things and sent them to a poor family. "Then the second oldest girl took my wishbone and hung it on the back piazza. Through the night some birds came and picked It until it was clean. The man that bought me gave the leavings to the cat and the bones to the dog. It was my first and last Thanksgiving and nobody can say I did not do some good in this world." Mary Tudor, 5 A Grade, Starr School. Answer to Hallowe'en Puzzle 1. Ghost 2. Pumpkins. 3. Clowns. Margaret School. 4. Horns. 6. Corn. 6. Masks. Campbell, Starr The Triple Alliance was formed in 1883 between Germany, AustriaHungary and Italjtfor the purpose of checking encroachments by Russia and France. The term of enlistment In the navy Is four years except for boys under eighteen, who enlist for minority with the consent of parents or guardians. hicksvill REE Old Maids Extra "THE OFFICIAL WIND-JAMMER OF THE COMMUNITY"

THE RICHMOND PALLADIUM, NOV. 17. 1917.

THE

ZE

Old Maids Extra

ISSUED CONTINUALLY

OUR TOWN NEWS Cy Hospins tried to hold open a revolving door to let Widow Perk ins in the postoffice, when some one rushed out, and knocked Cy down three times in succession "slick as a whistle," so Cy reports. He says that he will never bo polite no matter how "smitten" he is on any widow. Huckleberry Finn's Grandad says "the rich people have all the autos, an'i the poor people all the gocarts. Last Tuesday a gentleman from Frogtown called up Old Maid Grubshoe and asked her to marry him. She said, "yes, who Is it?" Uncle Josh Weathorby had a slight misunderstanding with his horse yesterday afternoon when the critter "hauled off" and give him a swift kick between the kitchen and the woodshead, near the barn. Professor Skinner, who acts as lightning rod salesman for this district was struck by an automobile last week and not by lightning as he first thought Deacon Jeans has had his wife make-over a pair of his old trousers and presented them to Justice of Peace Craner. Speaking of trousers though, Un cle Jerimiah Peppers was waiting for his butter woman on the corner by Squire Ebbs' barber shop, when a stranger who was passing noticed Jeremiah's trousers were bagged at the knees; the stranger waited a while and told Uncle Jeremiah, "Well, if you are going to jump jump." Mrs. Ez Vhbs told her groccrman she wished he would not give her such short weight for her money, and Grocerman Cornstok said he wished she would not give him such long waits. Rill Miller who almost married Lucile Spivins, came around and thanked her husband for beating him to the matrimony game. Since the rabbit season has opened in Hicksville, several people have reported to town constable Zarrow that their most favorite cats are missing. THE FISH'S LUCK Part I. When Tommy Brown went out to sail, He leaned too far across the rail And dropped his precious glasses! He saw them sink, but never knew A fish was sitting 'neath the blue, Where wave the long sea grass-es. The fish was weeping sore with woe, To school he could not hope to go, Because he was near-sighted. When looking up thru tears that rose, lie caught those glasses on his noHe, And wasn't he delighted! He clapped his little fins in glee That so much better he could see, And now, fulfilled his wjahes, His heart is ever light and gay For off he went that very day, And Joined a school of fishes-. C. E. Arnold, Starr School, grade 6B.

HICKSVILLE BREEZE

Published every week to tell al most the truth, and lives up to its reputation. CHARLES MacLEONIIARDT, Editor-in-Chief Huckelberry Finn, Associate Editor Lucy Corntossel, Society Editor. General Nuisance, Fighting Editor. Uncle Ez Zarrow, Cartoonist. Rastus Johnson, Sporting Editor. Matilda Ebbs, Movie Editor. Katinka Zarrow, Scenic Artist. HUH-UHI NOT ME! Co'se Ah ain't sayin' Ah won't do Des whut ma country want me to, But dey's one job that Ah fo-see Ain't gwine to 'tach itse'f to me Huh-uh! Not me! Dat's dis heah ahplane stuff No, Boss, Ah'll bah some othah kin' ob cross Lak drive a mule, er tote a gun, Dut Ah ain't flirtin' wif de sun Huh-uh! Not me! Ef Ah mus' do a loop de loop Let mine be 'round some chicken coop; It ain't gwine be up whah de crows Kin say Ah's trompin' on deir toes-Huh-uh! Not me! It sho' look swee, Ah don't deny, o be a-oozin' 'roun' de sky, But dat's fo' folks dat's in de mood To pass up love an' gin an' food Huh-uh! Not me! Down heaH Ah firs' saw light ob day. Down heah am whah Ah's gwine t' stay; . Folks, Ah don't keer to hab ma feet Git to blamed proud to walk de street Huh-uh! Not me! So, Ah'll des wait till Gabr'el brings Dem good ole fashion' angel wings Den, as Ah pass de ahplanes by, In pity, Ah'll look down an' sigh Huh-uh! Not me! William Ilerscholl in the Indianapolis News. SHE DIDN'T MIND HUGS. "Oh, will he bite?" exclaimed a pretty girl with much alarm as a dancing bear was on tho street the other day. "No," said the escort, "he can not bite; he is muzzled, but he can hug." "Oh," she said with a distracting smile, "I don't mind that." A NOISELESS CAT. In our town there is a cat, And one that cannot mew Of all the strangest things we know It must be something new. EVERYTHING IS INFORMAL WITH OUR LITTLE HARRY PUNKIN CENTER Last week little Harry went to visit his friend Carl, and after Harry had been there for a short time Carl's cousin from the city came in and an introduction was in order. "Meet my friend Harry," said Carl to his cousin. "I am rlad to meet you," said the young lady. "Yep," was Harry's greetings. HE WENT IN A policeman passing by a church, Heard songs ring higher and higher: "I wonder who it is," said he; "I think I'd best in choir." TONGUE-TIED He "You can't tell me what a panther is, I'll bet you." She "Yes, I bet you I can. A panther is a man that makes panths."

Hicksville "Somewhere In America"

OLD MAIDS CORNER Aunt Matilda heard an insignific ant "ho" say, "Well, if it weren't for us boys there would be no Old Maids' Corner," so we've just de cided to show them that we can get along very nicely without them In the following news not one boy is mentioned. If you don't think this is possible, just read it and see, Girls! We will have to take up a collection to buy Ruth Smith a hat, because here of late she's been wearing her dad's. Lost: Aunt Matilda's black an gora kitten. Now this is the truth, not just something to fill up the corner, but the honest truth. It answers to the name of Betty and is very playful. Flop Gault iook an awful hard seat on the gym. floor last week. She now says that the gym. floor MUST be sandpapered. The three old maids have all joined a dandy new society known as the Oh I mustn't tell, it's a secret. Fluff Thurraan is very much honored by being elected treasurer of the 8 A class. The old maids had a time in cooking the other day. It was the first time they ever had fried meat and made gravy. One was cooked too long, another wasn't cooked long enough, and the other, well. nobody knows what happened to it. That same day, Aunt Mahitable was so awkward as to go and break a glass. Aunt Matilda is a sub-member of the Headlight Staff. She writes news items and Is going around trying to find some "hidden talent" in the school. Beware or she'll get you! You ought to have been to the Old Maids Auction. They sold everything at a very reasonable price but made such a profit that now they have enough money to go all the way to Chester on foot. Pa Knott brought a bottle of medicine to school, and don't you know, Granny Hodapp helped her self quite often. Fluff Thurman, Emeline Wagner and Beachy Eggemeyer gave a very charming little ladies' dance. Everyono enjoyed it very much. You know old maids aren't wealthy enough to fill a comfort kit alone but they did their bits by helping fill the ones from their rooms. "Oh Johnny, Oh Johnny, Oh" has recently changed its words to "Old Maids, Old Maids, Oh." A Cat' Rescue. (A true story of love and adventure, featuring our brave heroine, Old Maid Whitesell.) It was a cold and bitter morning n November. Four girls from a western portion of the city were going to school. It was Monday morning, and the party consisted of one old maid, and three sensible people. . But mt os they were crossing the temporary bridge, alas! There, right in the middle of the bridge, they fr-aw a little cat. Terrible autos and great rumbling wagons wore I coming from both ways. The little

I rat wnnlrt b crushed to death in

one moment. Then lo! an auto did come. It ran square over the poor little cat. but did not touch one single hair of the pretty little kitten. But in the meantime, the old maid, forgetting her girlish dignity, climbed over the bridge banister, dividing the sidewalk from the roadway, and rescued the little creature. Of course Old Maid Whitesell was the heroine of the day, but Reba Boggs and Juanita Detmer also showed their heroic natures by taking turns about, carrying the poor shaking little cat up through town. So all that day the Garfield faculty taught heroines, unaware. WITH HICKVILLE POETS Said young Mr. Duffer, A gay dog is he: "A 'peach' In the lap Is worth two in a tree." And old Uncle Bing I distinctly heard mutter, "A hair on the head Is worth two in the butter." I said to the waiter, That slow, awkward goop, A thumb on your hand Is worth two in the soup." We, too, raise a holler And smashed at the screen; "A fly 'neath the swatter Is wort two on the bean." SQUIRREL FOOD There was an old maid from Wheel ing. Who slipped on a banana peeling. Her feet flew out from under her. She hit the floor with her blunder. And bounced clear up to the coiling. There was an old lady from Deca- ' tur Who came to sing in the theater. But the poor little thing. When she got up to sing. She was hit in the face with a tcniator. Starr School. Not His Fault. "Ma, can I sail my boat in the bathtub?" "Not now, your father is taking a bath." "Why is pa taking a bath, ma?" "What a question! Why do you take one?" "Because I have to." GINGER JAR LEAKS In the midst of the confusion, as the train robbers, with revolvers hld in readiness, moved down the aisle in a hold-up near Reno, Nevada, a drummer excitedly dug into his pocket,' pulled out. a roll of bills and handed them to hi companion across the lisle, saying, hoarsely:' "Johnson, here's (hat. fifty dollars I owe you!" "You s;iy you want a job in this office? Weil, what can you do?" "Nothing." "Why didn't you apply .-.onuer? All thoso high-salaried ' positions have been taken, long ago." "Busy now, .rones?" "Never Intnler in my life!" "Lucky m ill', You nevor h i.I t.hi hives! " - SAME OLD COOK "What are your qualifications?" "I'm an expert, ejjg cook, inmu" "How aiMuid! Why anybody cm cook egns." "No, ft '!'!-.!, iiiiim Ton 're rn.'ikiris a mistake, tlidt's bene the cause of a lot of loiltappinefis in Urn world."

PRICE ONE SMILE

THE VILLAGE GOSSIP Mrs. Catherino Zarrow explained to the members of the Art Embroidery club how she was economizing during these hard times. She has patched up her husband's old suit and 1908 overcoat to go another season, has made him some new neckties out of Bcraps of patch work, cut him down two pipes full of tobacco a day and sold his stock of cider to the vinegar man also makes him stay home nights. Mrs. Zarrow wore a handsome new dress and bonnet at the meeting." Mrs. Hen Weatherby has gone to the city to get him a new pair of specs. Ever since she failed to recognize that it was the Widder Tweet out riding with Deacon Fossel last week she has been heart broken, but says nothing like that will again get past her line of vision when she gets her new specs. Lawyer Bedford appeared at town court for a wholesale liquor firm of Bean Ridge, who Druggist Push charged as selling liquor that was not the real stuff. A three gallon demijon of liquor was brought marked "Exhibit A." The case was won by Lawyer BedfoM, who kept exhibit A for his foe. Sylvester Perkins has married again. . Mrs. Fodderwell from Elk Ridge was the lucky woman and she also was his fifth wife. Syl is one of the best patrons of our Cemetery Association. Joe Bascombe, who Is leader of the village choir, has returned from a ten days' visit to New York where ho has his voice thoroughly gone over. He may be able to sing now. Over at the Ridgo are all puzzled over the statement made by Miss Euphrena Tebbets that 1ms had been working on a Job as man-a-cure while on her vacation. We don't like to be knockers but the truth of the matter is, she has been working on a Job as trimming finger nails In a New York; hotel, no her Aunt Hetty tells us. Bertie Jaggs has had a new light thrown upon his character when he camo home with the "whiskey perfume upon his breath." His wife smashed her new birthday lamp over his head. While Uncle Henry Wishwell was eating In a big city hotel the other day, the waiter brought him a finger bowl, and as Hen was not used to such a style just stared at the bowl of water for a moment or two. The waiter came back shortly and asked, "are you through with the finger bowl, sir?" "Through with it? No, I ain't begun with it yet ; ala't you going to bring any ,-o p? " Flez Cummings says that there are thousands of fish in his pond, and they are so vicious that a fellow has to get behind a tree to bait biy hook, T.iue- Carter was sore today whon Postrnruster G'ibbs hrmded her a let("r from her sweetheart in France The letter had been opened, and sho hay employed the Gumshoe Dele.cl.ivc aKociatkn to find out who lliiw man by the name of Censor was who had written on the outnil" of h'?r mail, "opened by censor." ANTI-STRAP HANGERS. The Hired car company is slow, ft m.ty learn after while, To have a row of folding chairs, And use them In the main isle.