Richmond Palladium (Daily), Volume 42, Number 305, 3 November 1917 — Page 13

THE RICHMOND PALLADIUM, NOV. 3. 1917.

PAGE THRU a

OldMaids' Corner

(Their latest GoBsip) The Old Maida have already begun to find people who want to join their society, for iUBtanco, Kenneth Murphy. One night after he had read the Old Maidu' Corner, he had to go to town, and don't you know he wore three pairs of stockings, a

sweater, a coat and an overcoat,

hiB shoes and overshoes.

Girls Have Hallowe'en Party at Cwarfield Last Tuesday evening the girlB at Garfield had a Hallowe'en party in the gym. Miss Wickemeyer was in charge. In the center of the room was a big stack of corn shucks and all around the sides were witches and owls. All the girls were masked and the

judges of the best costumes were Miss Schultz, MIbs Hennlng and Mrs. Graves. Elsie Weeks of the 8A class had the best I was dressed like a Chinaman, and I knew Miss Wickemeyer the minute she stepped on the floor. She was dressed iiko a gypsy. Lucile Jones and Lucile Thurman danced a Russian dance and then

school girls were there and a few of them danced too. We had a peanut contest, ate our lunch, and then all the girls went to the back of the room, and one at a time came forward and unmasked. We danced again and tlien went home -By Grace Simcoke, Garfield Junior High School, we an danced. Some of the High

Sunday School Class Celebrates Hallowe'en Mr. Kelly's class at the South Eighth Street Friend's church celebrated Hallowe'en by having a party at which thirty member and their friends were present. Old fashioned games were played and a Hallowe'en lunch of pumpkin plea, cider and doughnuts was served.

Reginald Todd's got a peach of

a wheel. He loaned it to a girl one day and Aunt Mahltablo and Aunt

Matilda both tried it

Old Maid ong is "Oh, Oh."

WhiteBeli's favorite

Johnny, Oh, Johnny,

It looks as though there Is going

to be a gallant fight between Prof. Englebcrt and Danny Ross, but from the way talk goes, I guess that Professor is going to be the lucky one.

Edna Mae Ruby, one of the Old Maids, wrote a very clever little poem the other day, which is as follows: Three Old Maids all go to school; Three Old Maids, and one is a dunce. Aunt MahiUble'g fond of cats, Because you know they scare the rats.

Aunt Matilda will eo foolish be As to talk to any boy Bhe'Il see. Aunt Ligzy Jane's as sweet as can be, Because, you know, that, she is Me.

Just Extra

THE MCK VELLE BMEEZE "THE OFFICIAL WIND-JAMMER OF THE COMMUNITY"

Just Extra

ISSUED CONTINUALLY

Hicksvi He "Somewhere in America"

PRICE ONE 8MILE

We hope that Mc. McManus will excuse us for putting Jiggs into

real life at Garfield, but we have to name M. LaF. "Maggie," and F. S. "Jiggs."

Old Stump Keller is very fond of a little frog which she brings to school in a perfume bottle full of alcohol.

Old Maid Whitesell dressed like an old maid at the Halloween

party, and she was informed that

if she always looked like that she certainly would be one.

FLIVVER CLUB NOTES Speaking of flivvers, H 1 r, a m Squashby has purchased one of those contraptions, and when it's not in UBe his wife puts it in her knitting bag. Old worn-out tires may be put to good use by using them for teething rings for the baby. All autos will run better when the tanks have gasoline in Ahem; except electrics, and you can use currents to operate. A flivver may be used as a roller

skate for a one-legged man.

The fire ordinance has ordered

all flivvers painted red. so as to

keep in with the former regulations

that ail gasoline cans must be red. The speed limit thru Hicksville is one hundred miles an hour you won't miss anything, no difference !

how fast you go. Luke Hawkins Is going to sell his car because it costs too much for gasoline, cigars and sodas, when be

takes his friends out for a pleasure

trip.

How the Ground Looked Before Jumping From the Chicken Coop.

Since Lucy Corntossel bought a

car she has been so popular that it was necessary for her to turn her wrist watch back three hours.

HICKSVILLE BREEZE

Dan Ross nald that If Old Maid Whitesell put. his name in the Corner again, he certainly would say a bad word, and now what will he do that she has told on him?

OLD MAfD WHITESELL'S STORY OF HER LIFE I was born in a little village of Virginia and lived there until I was four years old. Then we mov

ed to Richmond, and at the age of

five I started to school.

At the age of ten I began to wish to be an old maid, and as years

passed I began to look the part,

more and more.

In the eighth year of ray school life two of my Old Maid friends

and I had a little corner in a Junior

Palladium, a little paper that was

published weekly.

In my Junior year at High school I sent a story to a publishing house

but it wasn't a love story. (I never

believed in sentimental things.)

They sent it back and I never sent

. another. When I was out of college I

thought my careed would certainly

begin, but no, it didn t. After working several years as a bookkeeper and having a neat little sum in the bank, I retired to a one-house village where I had a little three-room cottage, which suited me exactly because I just hated housework. I delivered several lectures around because I am very fond of

lecturing, and now if any of you wish to see a very cranky old maid, sixty years old, just call at 217

North West Fourth street.

Thus endeth the tale of my life, because I never expect to do any

thing else great until I die.

There was a cyclone down at

Bean Ridee last Wednesday, and

blew the tin roof off Si Ebbs barn, reputation, C 1 1 1 Vl A.-. 1 - , 1 . j

oi uuieu uy uib nuiu 10 senu uacK to the factory and at the same time

shipped the bent tin to the Junk shopthe orders got mixed when railroad company sent the tin to the auto factory and the auto to the junk shop. Si received a letter from the auto factory telling him they had received lots of cars badly wrecked, but the one he sent in was the worst. But in accordance to your guarantee a new car has been for

warded you by parcel post. A man

who gets out of a smash-up as bad

as that car was deserved a reward.

Published every week to tell almost the truth, and lives up to its

CHARLES MacLEONHARDT, Editor-in-Chief Huckelberry Finn, Associate Editor Lucy Corntossel, Society Editor. General Nuisance, Fighting Editor. Uncle Ez Zarrow, Cartoonist. Rastus Johnson, Sporting Editor.

Matilda Ebbs, Movie Editor. Katinka Zarrow, Scenic Artist.

THE RUMBLE IN THE CHIMNEY "Nobody kin tell what de rumble in de chombly means, unless it's dem what -knows," said Brother Williams "dem what ain't got no

fire ter warm by; an not nuff klver

ter keep de col' out; an' nuttinV'tall ter put on de table w'en it comes

ter ax a blessin'; an' nowhars

go, kase dey ain't nuttin' ter go fer

an' ef dey went, dey'd be no use corain' back! Dey is de only folks dat kin come nigh ter tellin' what

de rumble in de chimbly means.

w'en de Col' Win'a knoikin' at de

do' an' shakin de stuffin' out de

winders! But howsomever, an' in

de meantime, thank de good Lawd

fer what I done had. au' don't let

win an' weather stan In deway

of de good intentions er Providence

t'ords de long-sufferln' righteous!"

EDITORIAL

Never argue with a man who

talks loud. You couldn't convince

him in a thousand years.

One way to keep warm is to

breathe deeply with the mouth

closed. Another way is to spend

more money for coal. '

Pet Dog Comes Back I had a pet dog. He came to our house last summer, He was a very playful dog. We called him Spot While I was away he stayed and played with my little brother, Earnest. He playod with us all summer. We did not want him very

much, so one day papa took him about six miles out in the country. It was nearly a month before he came back. Papa said if he thought so much of us as to come back we would keep him Harold Thomas, Joseph Moore School, 5B grade.

Things Are Bound to Sound

Funny When Grammar Gets Mixed

FOR RENT A furnished appart-

ment suitable for young lady with

folding doors.

LOST Near town hall, a sealskin jacket belonging to a young lady

trimmed with red flannel.

Sign In a barber shop "During

alterations, patrons will be shaved

in the back."

WHY NOT BOMB SEED?

Wanted Good, fertile sauerkraut

seed. J. D. Beck. Adv. In Eagle Pass, Texas, paper.

The other day I heard a lady say, "California peaches, right fresh from the shores of Lake Michigan." John Overdeer Warner school.

KNEW HIS BUSINESS

"But are you sure that I shall

recover?" the patient asked anxiously. "I heard that sometimes

you have given a wrong diagnosis

ana treated a patient for pneu

monia who afterwards died very

suddenly of typhoid fever."

"You have been scandalously mis

informed." Bald tfae doctor, indignantly. "If I treat a man for pneumonia, he dies of pneumonia."

Should Say Not. The Indians still purchase paint To smear upon their faces. But we admit with Bome constraint

It sells in other places. Observers in the shopping zone Conresa with glances knowing.

'Tis not . the Indians alone

Who keep the drug stores going.

GINGER JAR LEAKS

"What did that aviator do who

said he was going to carry uo a

crate of chicken with him for the

Doys in camp?" "He why, he flew the coop,'' "I haven't any case," admitted the client "but I have money." "How much?" "Sixty thousand dollars." "Phew! You have the best case I ever handled," said the lawyer. "I'll see that you never go to prison with that sum." And the client didn't he went

there broke.

TOWN NEWS The town board, fcav voted to take the lamp post down which has Etood for years at Zartow's lane.-':' ' To cut down expenses the whole village has signed the "more daylight plan" and pledged themselves to be In bed by not Inter than seven o'clock dining the winter months, therefore Tights will be of no ose end the posts might as

well be taken down. Hiram Boggs took a load of hay to the city yesterday, and returned with a load of rye It has been announced that Armeldia Weetherby has accepted a position in the electrte department of a grocery store. En Ebbs" said, "Who ever heard "of an electric department In a grocery store?" . when Bennie Goets spoke up and said "she must be going to take care of the currants?', 81 Perkins said "Its nothing unusual to see a king crowned, he had a dentist crown a tooth for him once; and on another occasion his wife "crowned" htm with a rolling pin," Luke Weatherby sorrowed Es Ebb's lawn mower last spring, has returned it and borrowed the snow

shovel.

"The Remafntng Three" Is the new name for the old maids' club

in our .village. It was possible to change the name from "Our Dashing Girls" to the above name, because most of the old settlers who almost remember when some of

these ladles were born "kicked"

on calling them "dashing girls" as It left an untruthful impression on the village's character.

HIS WIFE IS RULER

"The old man took a few drinks

today and imagined he could wipe

up tne town.

"What happened?"

"Oh, when he got home his wife

made him wipe his feet before he

could even come into the house."

MOST MEN DO "Keep your eye on the girlie you

love" and thirty others. Advertisement of a Cincinnati music house.

HE MUST BE A CUT-UP I butcher myself every Saturday.

Sign on , Columbia, 111., butcher

shop.

Old Codger Yes, sir; I am 92 my next birthday and I don't re

member ever telling a lie.

Young Snip Well, you can't expect your memory to be very re

name at that age.

"I see Price has Joined the

army." '

"Good! If he doesn't advance

rapidly, he'll be different from all

the other prices."

Heck I suppose you always let

your wire have the last word.

Peck Yes, and I'm tickled to

death when she gets it

Bank Cashier You will have to

be identified, madam.

Lady My friend here will identi

fy me.

Cashier But I don't know her. Lady Oh, I'll Introduce you:

tjasey wnen yere uckea in a

folght ye ought to say yeve had

enough.,

Dolan Shure if Oi can spake at

all Oim not licked yet County School Teacher Now, Johnny, can you name a cape in Alaska? Johnny (stumped) No'm. Teacher Nome; that's right Johnny. Now next boy name another. Boston Transcript.

ALMOST KNEW EACH OTHER "Ab I was going over the bridee

the other day," said an Irishman,

I met f&isy O'Brien. 'O'Brien.' I

Bays, how are you?' 'Pretty well.

thank you, Brady!' says he. 'Brady.' says I, 'that's not my name.' 'Faith' says he, 'and mine's no: O'Brien!'

With that we looked agin at each

other, and sure enough it as nay-

tner or us: American Boy. j

The town board has passed a res

olution that all people with cats

j must keep them home at nights; n J m. - i. . .

ouu luiuienniorv m prtrvwnt less accidents, all cats must have their toe nails filed so they can not scratch.

Jim Corntossel, who has not done a lick of work since the Civil war, has been talking around that he intends to start a war garden next year. Most of the people know very well that Mrs. Corntossel will have to take care of ft The Massby family gave a party last Wednesday night, and all sorts of games were ployed. One game in particular was called "kissing," and the instructions were that if any fellow refused to kiss a girl when he called upon he would be fined ten cents. Bedelia Lukin-

sy, who is known by everybody as the ugliest girl in Bean county came

nome with four dollars and eighty

cents.

Willie Snoots was asked to make

up a sentence -using the word "detail" and after a little studying

got up and recited his little masterpiece "De tail of the cat is short"

Men Don't Flirt Ilea Zarrow's wife told hltn the

other day that tt was retting so

she could not trust him out of her Bight any more.

Hez asked what was the matter. Til teach you to flirt with those

young girls next door."

"You don't have to. dear: I al-

ready knew how."

Prompt Settlemeet Asked One day while taking dinner at

the home of Izzie Leviuski's home, the father made a remark to their son: "When I die son, I am going to leave you all my money." And the son promptly spoke up and replied, "Say, pop I'll throw off five per cent for prompt cash."