Richmond Palladium (Daily), Volume 42, Number 263, 15 September 1917 — Page 11

THE RICHMOND PALLADIUM, SKIT. 15. 1917

PAGE THirans

Henry MacFarlone Says:

I guess it Is because I am a public suffering animal that I have always been made a victim. Why, only yesterday, I was standing on the curbing admiring the great muscles of a fellow across the street who was shoveling coal. I heard a big noise resembling a Ford carborator in motion and turning I beheld two live men fighting each other. I know they were alive because they were talking to each other In harsh tones. They'd talk awhile and then one of them would reach out and swat the other one with all his might. Party soon a police cart full of brass buttons and evening stars come down the street and stopped. Four cops jumped out. Three grabbed the men and the fourth grabbed me; he was a cop for a witness, of course. I never came to till I found myself in the patrol with two Irishmen seeing some stars. . As far as I know, the judge at the copper station woke up and tried to bust the top board on his desk with a wooden sledge hammer. Calling the court to open he asked the cop what all the commotion was about. One said it was a fight so the judge put on his breast protector and the cops throttled me up on the witness stand, where the judge could get to me if I acted naughty. Then the whole police court began to ask me questions and began to look into my character. One said, "He's as crooked as the C. & O. railroad," and I said 1 guessed I was. Another said, "He couldn't look a mosquito square in the eye." I said no. They kept this up for almost two hours, and now I'm writing from Iteid Memorial Hospital, Room 52. Please don't send any flowers; we can have a funeral without them. RIDDLES. 1. When is a piece of wood like a Queen? 2. Why do chimneys smoke? 3. Why is a book like a tree? 4. Why is an egg like a colt? F. Why is the letter D like a $ailor. (Answers Next Week.) THELMA MASHMEYER. Answers to Last Week's Riddles. 1. Tomorrow. 2. WThen he lies in state 3. To Hungary. 4. They are often heard of, but eeldom found. 5. He takes an elixir, (he takes en' 'e licks her.) 6. WThen he takes a roll in bed. 7. IV. 8. When he is an impatient patient. 9. When it is ground. 10. His salary. 11. Because words are constantly passing between them. A GOLDEN APPLE It was a golden and red apple and Flossie stood under the tree and looked at it with longing eyes. Her lips were within just a few Inches of it, and her own golden hair touched it as she moved up and down. She wanted the apple with a longing which she had no words to express, but not for herself. There was not a soul in sight; the orchard was empty. On the ground were several apples, and Flossie might have helped herself to any of them, but none was so whole and perfect as this. Some were damaged in their fall, others had been pecked by the birds, some were scarcely ripe; but this apple on a branch which hung low from the old apple tree was perfect. But the home order was that when the children entered the orchard they might eat one or two of the windfalls, but they were never to pick any of the fruit from the trees. "Suppose I were to shake the branch just a little?" through Flossie. "Suppose I were to throw some stones at it? The apple is so ripe that it mlght-i-yes, it might fall." - r " ene knew her father did not want

her to shake the limb or throw stones at it. She looked at the apple bending her little head to right and then to left. As she examined the apple she found the stem firm and green. "No, it will stay on the tree for days and days. I wonder if I might ask father? No, he is away for the day and Joey wants it now. Oh, it would make him so happy, and he is so ill and his leg hurts him so badly. Oh, I do wish I might take him this apple!"

Wind Extra ISSUED CONTINUALLY Money When You Want It; Sympathy When You Want It PEAVINE Squire Hammerguy came home from New York last Tuesday, and he has been feeling a little "blue" since. He says, "his money is all gone." Andrew Whiffletoe, the village idiot told squire to remember there "was one place where you can always find sympathy and money. Squire glanced up with a surprised look and asked, "Where." "In the dictionary," said idiotic Andrew. WISER YOU BECHA! When Deutschland is at last set right, A sadder land, but wiser, It will not start another fight Just to amuse a Kaiser. Her Mother Escaped Stringtown While 'cutting magazine pages loose In a hammock yesterday, Miss Opal Zarrow severed an artery in her nose. Her mother who was ironing in the cellar escaped uninjured. Goodbye, Grass Hats Straw hats have went, We shed a tear; But cheer up, gent, The oyster's here. HE WAS FO' SALE Two colored men met one morning when a morality campaign was on in their town and at its height. "Who is you foh, anyhow?" asked the first. "How's you goin' vote in the 'lection?" "Man, I'se foh Jones, dat's who I'se foh, an' you knowed it without axin' me," the other replied. "What you ax me foh?" "Yes, you is fob Jones," said the first, sarcastically. "I knows who you is foh, I'll bet You'se foh sale, date's w-ho you'se foh." SHADOW IS NOTHING "Say, you told me this horse was afraid of nothing, didn't you?" "That's what I said." "Why, he shiea at his own shadow." "Well, a shadow is about as near nothing as anything I know of." She Sang, She Did Miss Sally Glutes sang a little ballad at the concert the other night which was written by Doc Cook of the north pole entitled "A Little Bit Off the Top." It's Different Now. My love once called me honied names, But now she's rather chatty; Instead of "petty" now it's "James." And sometimes only fatty. THESE MIGHT BE HANDY If you insist on. sleeping with your mouth open at nights, it would be well to put a screen over your mouth. An onion a day will keep the neighbors away. Society Miss Fawn Tossel will return from Tulip today, having been away from her gold fish over night for the first time. The needle society met at the home of Martha Hodds to discuss the out come of bringing up children under the Humane Society. Red lemonade was served. Miss Lucy Oluttes, who has been missing from the village all summer, and who has been taking a correspondence course in millinary will open up a store in the old Ubbs 'Barber Shop Stand. The Breeze is full of wind take IL

Joey was a little boy who lived about a quarter of a mile away. He was the son of the head gardener. Flossie and he were playmates. Joey was a nice boy. He often brought her a wild bird's egg and in the blackberry season quantities of the largest and ripest berries. But a week ago he had fallen from a tree when trying to catch a squirrel and had broken his leg just below his knee, and today he was lying hot and feverish on his little bed in his mother's cottage. Flos

THE HICKSVILLE BREEZE "THE OFFICIAL WIND-JAMMER OF THE COMMUNITY"

Hicksville "Somewhere in America"

How the Books in the New Class Looked to Willie The First Day of School

J rT7T i 7 ii mil f 4 t la IM t t i t- . ml ff i I mil ! ' f l

HICKSVILLE BREEZE HUCKELBERRY FINN, EDITOR Published every now and then to let tl;f people of the community know "almost the truth" and lives up to h reputation. A VICIOUS WIFE ROGUES RUN The other night Bill Spivens was standing under a old oak tree in front of his home when a policeman came along who knew Bill. He said, "Why don't you go inside are you waiting for your wife to wake up? "No," says Bill, "I'm waiting for her to go to sleep." Huckelberry Finn's Grandpa Says: Many a gal 'ud do a goshed sight better t' give her 'hope chest' f th' Red Cross an' maybe it 'ud come true sooner. Marsh Tunkin's got a advertisement in th' Matrimonial Gazette this week fer a pardner wife. Sol Newcomb loves his young wife so well he's went an' named his new hound purp after her. Milt Phinneck has got lung pneumony. Did you ever notice how long a girl will laugh at almost nothing, when she has a new gold tooth? Jake Huggens is Wldder Skidder's reg'lar gentleman friend. If you come up for air take the Breeze. Mother Does the Kicking Visitor (Consoling to Tommy, who has upset a bottle of ink on the new carpet:) "Tut, my boy, there's no use in crying over spilled milk." Tommy: "Course not; anyone knows that. All you've got to do is call the cat, and she'll lick it up; but this doesn't happen to be milk, an' mother"!! do the licking

sie had just been to see him. Sho had come straight from his bedside now. She had felt important when she brought her story-books and pointed out the pictures to Joey, and told him all the tilings which had happened in the stories. But this day, although it was the end of September, was specially hot, and Joey felt feverish, and he did not care for Flossie's stories. "I hate lying on my back," said Joey, "and I want an apple. Fetch me one of the yellowest and ripest

Ten Kinds of Bookkeepers. The pugilist should keep scrap-book. The burglar an entry-book. The acrobat a balance-book. The motorist a check-book. The cook a reference-book. The miner a pocket-book. The yachtsman a sale-book. The magician a pass-book. The wife an order-book. The husband a bank-book. SNICKERETTES (Editor's Note I am very much pleased that Miss Helen Fulle, has taken the liberty of helping me edit the paper by sending some more jokes these jokes are appreciated by the editor and a sure thing, the readers will like them. We thank you Helen. Huckelberry Finn, ye editor Hicksville Breeze.) HE DIDN'T KNOW BEANS PODUNKUS Hez Hawkins went to make a call on hig sweetheart over at Ellis Center the other day and was met at the door by his sweetheart's little sister Marguerite. The first thing Margie said was, "I'll bet you don't know what I have in my hand.' "No, I don't, Margie, you will have to tell me." "It's beans, Mamma said you didn't know beans, hut I thought I'd try them on you and see." "I want a good revolver," said the Ruggar to the gunsmith. "A six-shooter, I suppose?" "You'd better make it a nineshooter it's for the cat next door.1 By Helen Fulls. Don't Overdo Things "A friend in need's a friend in deed," Remarked old Mr. Hutch: "He is," agreed young Mr. Sneed, "If he don't need too much." Physician "Have you an aches or pains this morning?" Patient "Yes, doctor; it hurts me to breathe in fact the only trouble I have now seems to be with my breathing." Physician "All riKht; I'll give you something that will stop that."

apples, miss one that ain't a windfall, one that'aln't got any spot on it. I want to eat an apple, the very largest that can be found." "I will run and ask father," said Flossie In high delight at poor little sick Joey expressing a wish for anything. So she ran down-stairs and out of the cottage and across the paddock into the big old house where she lived. Selected by Helen Mashmeyer. (To Ba Continued.)

Extra Wind PRICE ONE SMILE He Wasn't Absent Minded; He Had Lost His Mind Jake Timinkins is the most absent minded man in Hicksville. Jake was smoking a cigar the other day and got up from his chair to stir the fire; he laid the cigar beside the cat. which was lying upon the table nearby. Right away after Jake bad got comfortably seated again the cat began to yell and Jake being a rather nervous person said to his wife, "for goodnss sake, Mary stop that cat from yelling." "Maybe, he will if you take his tall out of your mouth," replied Mary. It must have been a pretty raw cigar, Jake, if you couldn't tell it from fur of a cat's tail. We Answer All Questions Dear Huck Do you think a wife should work for a husband ? Bessie K. Answer Yes, until she gets him, and then she should work him for all he's worth. The has proven to be very successful with the ladies who have husbands. Ed. Knowledge is Power A spider lives on flies, because he doesn't like turnips. A grass hopper hops because he cannot walk. Just because a train puffs, that's no sign it is out of breath. - Just because a dog pants, he does not have to have them pressed. Lake Michigan could not get along without water. The easiest thing in the world lost is an umbrella. . SIMPLIFIED WORDS AS TOLD BY ELSIE Said LC: "Let me AV8 And fight the NME. My course would never DV8 I'd fly across the C. Or NE place to help the cause And use my NRG. , I want to B on hand because It 7 there to me. The Poor Horse Didn't Know it Was His Master Uncle Hiram Hubtree received a telegram from his boy who lives in Bean Ridge, that Bill had .been kicked in the mouth by one of his horses. The message Btated that the horse did not intend to kick his master, as the horse thought it was another horse. Town Doings. Ez Plum has sold his shot gun, and says he is going to stop trying to raise chickens. Several English sparrows assembled on the eld town hall yesterday and gave the town quite a metropolitian look. "What is the Liberty Bell." "Well, it isn't the wedding bell, my son." Our Health Hint Soup is said to be the easiest food you can get, for false teeth. Nights Are Shorter. "Why, hello John, how's the baby? Does he cry as much as he use to?" "No, not quite as much. The nights are getting a little shorter, you know." How Much Fer a Cold "You ought to get something for that cold. Gertie.". ' '; "Well, how much will you give me, Artie?"