Richmond Palladium (Daily), Volume 36, Number 136, 25 March 1911 — Page 2

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stoiey

WHY

HARLEM HUSBAMED

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By G. W. Terwilliger. Iltpirlfbt. 1010. t f Arnrrteatv Journal Eiamlnw. r Urrat Itnula Itl.-'iU IUntd.) A FT EH 1 bad been married several ears my business became o heavy that I was compelled to re- up a few day In the country. The ery day of my return I found my wife busily submitting to the kisses of French Count Her reason for such prole-.-red Testacy was the fart t couldn't stop him. as she didn't under-t'.'-French. The best thing I could d was to apologize for being late. r.enllzlng that thrro vera mny other languages with which she was but -M;ht-If acquainted. I C 'to sue for dlv and become a fr n again. After the unforti contretemps h: - I have related I took my 1othbrush (the rest of my no'S!,'on8 1 ' nd went to thn club, wherw I spent mr.ch time In drawing with my fellow sufferers conrlunlons en married life. We found that to a man inarrlrge Isn't a " 'cry, because In a lottery ; tm st. I vv:.r show of wlnnlnr. Woman usu. " rlz'.mt that she Is : ' !ng all ti e chanci li- matrimonial melon. S- Is. Tho v i h: 't a chanco In the world. We figured love ns a disease of tho htart affecting the bead, and discovered tr- woman no r marries hor I' I il the fahlon change also that you fa" always tell mr- ' r?n from rln"i rnVn. The latter hr- no buttons ou th r hlrts; the former bavo no shirts. pcoplo claim that married p-nnli live longer than r' ones " lm Ion gained crci'- --' V because single T' Vi don't see anything to brag r.f In II v Hi to an old age. With married people It Is different ir men would only atop trying to support sealskin wives on woodchuck salaries they wouldn't have to ttt up r' Y. i figuring out how '-a live as cheapl is one. Many people rial- d that I was too y -r for a woman of my wife's age, but I made up tho difference by - ne vr .' nr.ry fant I think my v ifa was all right when I treated her right, but I treated her too ofU i. 1 rues I must lir - been afraid women were going to be scarce, but the crop b: s

JMBJIT IMIiU I MAI

PATROLMAN MARTIN J. KEEFE. of the Twenty-third precinct, tips the scale at 200 pounds. Like all fat men. he In goodnaturcd and never loses his temper. As he was leafing the station house one night last week he collided with an actress bo was Just coming In to have the lieutenant adjust a little dispute with a taxlcab chauffeur. The collision knocked all the wind out of Martin, but when be was ablo to speak he said, with a smile: "Madam, that Is what you might call literally running up against the law." "I've run up against the law before, officer." replied the lady, viewing Kcefe's bulky form with surprise, "but I've never been ui against so much law at one time." . WIIKN Lieutenant Charles Place, of the Sixty-third precinct, takes his wifo to the theatre she never objects if he goes out between the acts to quench hU thirst. Mrs. Place realizes that hor husband might still be a plain patrolman Instead of a lieutenant If he had not stepped out of a theatre to get a drink. It happened years ago. Patrolman Place (as he then was) took bis wife to the Bowery Theatre one afternoon. At the end of the second act Charlie .took advantage of a moment when his wlfo'a head was turned tho other way to sneak outside In search of a little liquid refreshment.Having burled down a couple of "high ones' In the saloon on the corner, he was Jus, returning to the theatre when he noticed two men going into a pawnshop next door. They carried a hi? bundle between them, and tho patrolman's suspicions were aroused. Ho followed them Into tho pawnshop and heard them negotiating with the pawnbroker for a loan on a bale of cloth' w hich tho bundle contained. Charlie trailed the men uptown and saw tbem enter a flat He watched them go out again, and then let himself Into the flat and found that it was stacked full of bales of cloth and other loot. The next day a big department store reported to Headquarters that It had been robbed of several hundred dollars' worth of goods. Charlie heard of the burglary, went right up to that flat, caught the thieves and restored their plunder to the department store. The vxmimissioner called Patrolman Tlaco to his office, complimented him on his good work and a little later made him a sergeant, and afterward a lieutenant. For some weeks Mrs. Place was very sore on Charlie for deserting her In the theatre, but on the day that he came home and told her of his promotion che forgave hiai.

DIDN'T GET

bM c it wonderfu'--. If T only . t' -- whac I do now n - women I wou! ! st PI bo sewjng on my own buttons and darning my own r tls. I iricd to wo-the ground she T-"ed on. but lift " rver it 1: changed ray feelings. She used to say 6he would die for me. Why didn't she? Nowadays a young miia should be well off before coni'-vplat'-T marriage. Most of us are well off. but wo never realize It uutil afterward. Also, every young man should; see that his wife has a subs'antia. allowance. It Is only Just and will prevent her from j -ylng Into his f.nancial affairs It should be settled ou I-:. Ju3t before marriage by her father. Wives were less exnensivi Inn a Look at Adam, boue." They Eve cost him ouly "one were not happy either. How many days was It before they were evicted? Tho Ideal quiet married life, to my mind, would bo a deaf and dumb couple living in Philadelphia. Wouldn't that be unrrw Jill speakable happiness most enjoyable to sit and philosophize thus In tho tranquil assurance that there was no on- awaltins you when you got home, and that, there-I-.e, you could drink as much as yc l chose. Hut I soon began to realize that half the fun In drinking Is in the anticlpa- : of what will hapr-n to you when you get homo. And I had become ro accustomed to doing nightly patrol duty with an Infant under each arm that for the first few months I couldn't sleep until I bad carried a pillow for at least seven "s around the rocn. I!::'ore my lawyrs had my iase well 'n hano a counter suit was filed by my wife against me for desertion and conduct not becoming the dignity of r. respectable married man. I went up to ' .er apartments the next day to try to offer her a cash Inducement to agree to a separaPATROLMAN BILL FILES, of the Nineteenth precinct, who was the sparring partner of James J. Corbett when the latter was champion, is one of the tallest men in the department, and as thin as a rail. Because of bis unusual proportions Bill

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Mr. DinkelspieVs Aunt

MEIN LIEBER LOOEY Ve haf -e-ceifed your letter from Pawtueket, It. I., und ve vas glat dot your healt' remains stationary. Vc vas all veil at home mit der eggsceptlou dot your Aunt Louisa Diffenbauer is now py our house to make a short wislt vich vlll last as long as our patience can st' der strain. Aunt Louisa vas your mudder's aunt, Looey, but, chee viz! You haf read. Looey, dot book py Olifer Vcndell Holmes called der "Autocrank of dc Breakfast Table." ain't you? Veil, such Is Aunt Louisa, only more so, including der lunch table, der dinner table und der glasj of beer table yust before bedtime. Your Aunt Louisa believes dot conversatloning vas Inwentioned for her eggscluslve use, und she uses It eggsclusively to der eggscluslon of all udders in der room. Language is der same to your Aunt Louisa as seltzer is to a highball vun of der necesaries of life. I luff to sit around der parlor. Looey, und listen at any person discussioning der topics of der day, und if vunce in a vile dcy permission me to come in mlt "Ja" or "Nein" I feel dot life vas vorth lifing. But no human being efer got a chance to say "Ja" or "Nein" vile your Aunt Louisa vas talking. Much easier is it for a camel to go through der eye of a noodle. Jou vill recollection. Looey, dot your Aunt Louisa's husband, vich vas called Uncle Gustave Shauerbath, left dis vorld so suttently dot der Coroner hat to hold a post-morbid eggsaminatlon. Der post-morbid found dot Uncle Gustavo hat died from a rush of vords to der sarahbcllum. Der Coroner found upon eggsaminatlon dot all of desc vords formerly belonged to your Aunt Louisa, mlt der eggscpptlon of a few vich vas vunce der property of your Uncle Gustavo's favorite bartender. Der Coroner never tolt your Aunt Louisa dor painful truth. He vas afraid she might hand him a fatal rush. You know. Looey, ve luff to haf all our relations come py our house und wisit mit us so long vot dey conduction demselfs in a manner vich is pleasing to der intelleck. out Aunt Louisa is der limick der far-off und much removed limick. Hero is a voman. Looey, vich comes to our house as a guest, und der fairst morning she is mitt us she arises herself at sefen t'irty, goes direct py der kitchen uad

Hon. but I found the place deserted. The Janitor told me r 1-1 Toved r the night before in a great hurry. I succeeded in getting into my rooms, but found that Eho had removed all the furnishings- There was a sound of crying in the back room, and when I reached there I found our children huddled together In the middle of the floor Tj lr; as If their hearts would break. Mother wa3 In such a hurry that sv- forgot the little ones so I kidnapped them. Che learned of It and tried to force a conclusion to tt case earlier than we had expected by an attempt to re-kldnap them. When the case was called the ' urtrooin was crowded. My wife spoke of me as a "great, big overgrown boy." and after going into .he details of our incompatibility, she told of my cruel dese: n of ho- In most tragic style. She r-VarseJ how nobly she had stuck to me while I was poor and the loader she stuck she poorer I got! The Judge did not like the idea of a divorce; thought we should have another round and call it a draw. My faults were many and grevious, ho said, but there were so many cood men going wrong nowadays that he could not understand how a bad man like me stood ghost of a chance. As for me being a model husband In her love-blinded eyes, he reminded me that the definition of "model" was r small Imitation of the genuine article. Naverthrless. the evidence she had trumped up against me proved a little too strong, and the case was thrown out of court and a separation agreed to. Now that she had given me cuch a black character, I began to respect her and considered my escape from tho callows as miraculous. A3 days went by I did not seem to get the great enjoyment out of my independence that I expected. Two or three times I caught myself, her portrait In my hand, .dreaming and wondering why' I was so lonely. Once I thought her face a Sabbath breaker, but there zero six other day in the week for me to take advantage of why couldn't I have been contented?

(Copyright. 1910, bj Amrrlcan - Iournil generally has his clothes made to measure. But on his day off last -veek he had to get a pair of trousers in a hurry, so he stepped into a Sixth avenue clothing store. The proprietor of tho store waited on Bill himself and brought out all the extra long-legged trousers he had in his stock.

(Copyright. 1910. by American-Journal-Examiner. Great Britain Rights ISeserre!.)

begins to scold der cook because she 13 peeling potatoes too far from der surface. "Vot is It your pitzness vare I unchacket a potato?" rsponded der cook, mit indicknation.. "It is my pitzness," snapped Aunt Louisa, "because ofer in my belofed home In New Chersey I belong to der Society for der Prewentlon of Vastefulness." "Veil, Heafen sent you a safe churney back to your belofed home In Chersey," set der cook, reaching for der carving knife. "Und besides, your kitchen is untidy und you should get your broom und sveep it," vent on Aunt Louisa. "Vot pitzness is it yours abouid der kitchen?" vispered der cook, mit a bedtick flush in der cheeks. "It is my pitzness," Aunt Louisa came right back, "because ofer in my belofed home in New Chersey I am der president of der Society for der Settlement of Dust, so get der broom, get der broom." Den der cook got der broom, und ven your mudder came running in answer to Aunt Louisa's shrieks, she found her unter der kitchen table mit nearly two hundred pounds of imported Irish anger sitting on her und poking her in der short ribs mit der broom handle. Den der cook vent und got her hat und left, after it had taken your mudder two veeks und nine intelligence offices to find her. So soon vot Aunt Louisa recofered her breathing material she vent ouid to der barn und began to scold der coachman because he gafe der old brown mare too much oats. "Vy is it your pitzness vot I feed der horses?" inkvired der coachman, politefully, but mit der rising inflection oa der last syllabus. "It is my pitzness," set your Aunt Louisa, "because ofer in my belofed home in New Chersey I am der secretary of der

A DEVO

In view of the cnaracter she was able to give me. ber faults began to slowly le t their enormity and mine to greatly Increase. You see it often happens that a man is almost as mean 10 his wife as s'ue Is to him. It was a matter of but a few short months before we were again on a basis of speaking acquaintanceship otherwise known as happy married life. Like many another man, I wanted a wife and home the second time, to get even- I pay all the bills, ask uo questions, and am as happy as well, as happy r: any married ir can be. My wife always has i little curprise up her sleeve to be used at a moment's notice, and whenever my affections need a little awakening she never hesitates to use it. She makes mo think I am lord and master, and I bask in my blissful Ignorance. A saucy kiss, a w hispered word of love, a mischievous twinkle of the eye and a Togulsh d.implo make mo almost forget that 1 am a married man and compel a desire for hours of wooing to win her all over again. AH that, and a smile with me when I smile (for a woman likes a "smile" occasionally as well as a man does) has almost taken me out of the class of Henpeel: and tends to make our lives ono long honeymoon. Incompatibility covers a multitude of sins and Is the axle on which all divorce cases revolve. My wife tore its definition out of my dictionary so that in the future I could not lay any further blame at its door. If her tactics fail once In awhile she claims she had to work hard to secure me the second time, and there are times when she ought to have a rest. The statement of President G. Stanley Hall, of Chicago University, that 50 per cent of the college women Invariably turn out old maids has forewarned my wife, and she claims a public school edi cation will be good enough for her children. Scientists claim that it Is a mild form of insanity to wish to become marriedThe learned doctors have nothing the best - Examlner. Great Britain Rights Reserved.) Nono of these fitted the lanky patrolman, however, the longest of them stopping short at the knees. At last the clothing merchant gave up in despair. He looked at Bill's long, thin ' zs and said: "I'm sorry, my friend, but I can't do Society for the Prewention of Ofer-feded-ness In Horses, und you gafe dot horse eighteen more oats dan it is necessary. Do you know der chemical arrangement of a oat? Do you know anything abouid der wital forces concealed iii a oat? Do you know dot vun oat alone contains 4 per cent of hydrogen gases, consekently der oxalic qualities vich it derives darefrom vas equal to nine stalks of Timothy hay, because a oat ven, remofed from der carboniferous period vich surrounds it, represents der unearned increment vich gifs it a stimulating effect on der nerves of der animal's solar system und makes it dynamic force ofer und above der udder ingredients to such an eggstent as to be" But der coachman py dis time vas ouid der back door of der barn und running like a Chack-rabbit in der direction of Hartford, Conn. Ve nefer eggspect to look upon his kindlr face again. Ofer in der garten she found Choe, der Neapolitan gartener, tooklng der veeds avay from der young onions vich vas yust beginning to sprout demself3. "Desist!" she eggsclaimed at Choe. but der only Enklish dot Choe understants is der noise of der dinner bell und his vages efery Saturday. Choe, der Neapolitan, continuationed to vced. "Dis vas a desecratlonment," set your Aunt Louisa. "Ofer in my belofed home In New Chersey I vas der wiee-president of der Society for der Prewention of der Remoofing of Veed3, unt it hurts me to der heart to see dese gentle leedle vild t'ings pulled from ouid deir mudder eart' py alien hands." Choe, der Neapolitan, continuationed to veed. "Mebbe. some day. vun of dose veeds you va grabbing at mit wicious hands Ti l crow up to be a tree," se: rour Aunt Louisa,

of us. Any married man will tell you that he was crazy to get married. If we don't marry the women they will ultimately drive us from all occupations. But what of that? We ought to be satisfied so long as the work is done. The learned Doctor Cyrus Edson says that the grip Is caught through kissing, yet many a kiss has caused a man to lose his grip. Kissing is really an unhealthy proceeding if the girl's father catches vou. .'re I -iue out oi ten young men who y-' enter the tate of matrimony are ' Z3 struggling along. But it avails them nothing, and usually the harder they struggle the easier it is for the women. When two loving heart are r.iade one the man usually gives his name and the woman takes it that "give and takegame never lets up during their whole married life. Did you ever figure out why a widow marries so easily? Because dead men tell no tales. Man lacks perfection by ono rib, yet when he marries and r?palrs that loss by securing his rib back again -omen claim he is more imperfect than ever. Up-to-date people place no credence In that old axiom "faint heart ne'er won fair lady" many a man marries because he hasn't sufficient nerve to back out - . the last moment The usual courtship may be likened to a toboggan coast down hill together. After marriage comes the up-hill game and the man is found pulling both -,-oman and toboggan. Nevertheless, all married people are not unhappy only the men. No man can realize how happy he is until he marries then It Is too late. Nature has made some wonderfully agreeable blunders one of them Is my wife. She, like many other women, is sometimes wrong until lie cr " s then she is right instantly? x-: . . . j . anything for you, and, what's more, I'm sure that no other ready-made clothing store can fit you." "But I must have a pair of trousers today," protested Files. "Well, if I was you." eaid the clothing man, "I'd go across the street to that rub "und unter Its delightsome shade some veary soul may rest its tired feets, so, darefore, desist!" Choe, der Neapolitan, contlnuatl- :ed to veed. "Or, mebbe," your Aunt Louisa vent on, "mebbe dot leedle veed vich you vas now abouid to crush mit unsympathetic linkers vishes to grow up und took its place in der vorld as a lilac bush, full mit sveet fragrance, vich, rising on der morning air" Your Aunt Louisa stopped suttently. Cboe, der Neapolitan, hat raised vun of his hands. It vas a Black Hand. In der hand vas abouid two cubic feet of suburban acreage. Your Aunt Louisa looked at der face of Choe, der Neapolitan. She saw someding in dot face vich vas saying in der Italian lankvich, "Scoot, before a portion of Vestchester County hits you on der forehead!" So your Annt Louisa grabbed her skirts mit vun hand, und screaming mit der udder, fled from der garten. Choe, der Neapolitan, continuationed to veed. Den Aunt Louisa vent in der house und begun to scold your mudder for having muskitto netting in der vindows, because in her belofed home in New Chersey she is der corresponding secretary of der Society for der Prewention of Sudden Death to Insects. t "Everything In Nature has a mission," set your Aunt Louisa. "I know it," set your Mudder, "dot Is vy ve haf mission furniture on der porch." "Der muskitto is a factor in der grand scheme of Nature," set Aunt Louisa. "Veil, if he is scheming to get In my house I vill fool him," set your mudder. "Der muskitto vas put here for a purpose," set Aunt Louisa, "und ve haf no right to interfere mit it." "Veil, if you fink I vas going to let vun of dese bleed-firsty muskittoes use my nose as a coaling-station ;ou va3 intensely mlstooken," set your mudder, und mit dis she flounced herself ouid of der saloon und began to decoration der dining room table mit fly-paper, vich Nature also inwentioned for a purpose. In der meantime I vas writing dese few lines ouid in der voodshed mit my trusty riHe py my side, und if I hear der echoes of dot voman's feets on der pat'vay I am prepared for bitter deed3, t Yours mit luff. D. DINKELSPEIL. per George V. Hobart

mi i hum m' iff m - m i twif

'I found my wife busily submitting to the kisses of a French Count." I have gradually t)ecom more docll i every day. My wife ha3 a will of her own. and I am the sole beneficiary. So, sentlemen, be happy to-day, for to-morrow you, too, may be married- Just remember when your wife gets vngry to grab her quick and hold tight (e.cry an has a legal right to hold bis own) until she get over it My wife's anger dissipates in f-'k. 1 can epeak in many languages, but hers la one tongue I shall never be able to master. In that respect che Is like soma folding beds she can't oo prope-ly shut up. My only weapon on such cms"! n3 la silence never possessing that, she cannot retaliate in kind. But I love my wife, God bless her sometimes. After all, she Is still a conundrum but what's the use of giving -xer up? By the way, should bachelors be taxed? Yes for marrying. ber goods store and buy a couple of lengths of fire hose." WHEN "Big Bill" Hodglns was Csar of the Tenderloin the police patrol wagon drew up In front of the Casino Theatre one rainy night.' The unusual spectacle of the covered wagon, with its green lights and a uniformed policeman on the driver's seat, standing in the line of smart carriages and automobiles In front of the theatre, caused a big crowd to gather. Frank Hennessey, manager of the Casino, rushed out excitedly to the sidewalk. "What Is the meaning of this outrage?" he cried to the cop on the box. "There's nothing to raid here." With much dignity, the portly figure ot Captain Hodglns stepped out of the wagon. With him were two men In correct evening attire. "Don't be alarmed." said "Big Bill." "These gentlemen are friends of mine. They came to visit me at the station house this evening on their way to your theatre, and as it started to rain I loaned them the precinct wagon to keep their clothes dry." WHEN prisoners are arraigned before Lieutenant O'Connel, of the East Sixty-seventh street police station, for intoxication he always gives them a lecture before locking them up. A few evenings ago a well-dressed man, slightly under the, inflnence of liquor, was brought into the station house when O'Connel had the desk. "Why don't you reform?" demanded the lieutenant "Whiskey never did nobody no good. Take my advice, my friend, and sign the pledge to-morrow." "Not on your life," replied the drank Indignantly; "111 stick to good old whiskey until I die, for whiskey once saved my life." "Prove that statement and 111 let yon go," declared O'ConneL incredulously. "Sure, I'll prove it," cried the prisoner. "I was down at Coney Island one day last Summer, and, while the wife and kids was in a store getting some Ice cream. I stood outside leaning against a telegraph pole. "I agreed to stand against that pol until they were through, but I got thirsty and sneaked across the street to get bracer. "While I was hurling down the good old stuf- a stroke of lightning struck that telegraph pole and smashed it to smithereens. "If I hadn't gone across the street to get that drink of booze I'd have been standing against that pole and would have been killed. Do I win, lieutenant?" "No, you don't," growled O ConneL "II you'd have gone across the street to get a glass of lemonade your life would hare been saved just the same. Lock Mm up, doorman."

POLICEMEN

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