Richmond Palladium (Daily), Volume 34, Number 357, 30 October 1909 — Page 6

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fiF Clarissa's Patriotism 19 11! , Wfarvtn "Dana j

FOR the best part of a year life to me was a burden, and the cause of all my tribulations was Clarissa! When I add the statement that Clarissa is a woman and, too, my wife, the seriousness of my situation will be apparent. I adore Clarissa. I loved her before marriage, as a man may love an angel of loveliness and mystery, but afterwards I loved her as a man may love only one woman, and that his wife, with the intimate interdependence of mutual understanding, with the complete joy of perfect sympathy. I do not think that any serious difficulty in our domestic relations arose during all the ten years of our wedded life until the period of which I am about to speak. And in this case, it was hardly the fault of Clarissa it was certainly no wrong on my part it was simply the error of fate, expounded through Clarissa's relatives. Judging from the humorous papers and some experiences in the homes of friends, it is not of rare occurrence that a man has trouble with his wife's relatives. Were this any ordinary instance of mother-in-lawish domestic episodes, I should not weary you with a rehearsal of my woes, but it is in a class apart. My wife's family is throughout one to admire, its members are my friends rather than relatives-in-law ; they like me and I like them. But I speak of the living. Toward Clarissa's illustrious forebears I cherish a feeling of deep animosity, and it is justified. The dead but unforgotten sires of Clarissa's race caused me deep mental anguish, and only Providence, working through the friendly offices of Governor Norton, and the uncont scious diversions afforded by Kato, wrought my release from torment. For years Clarissa and I remained in delightful ignorance of the unfortunate glories of her ancestry. But the evil counsels of Mrs. Tagglety unveiled the facts and caused disaster. For Mrs. Tagglety is one of the pervasive women. She has many friends, who do not know her. Those who know her are her enemies. I always knew her, and I always regarded her with genuine disfavor, that grew into acute dislike and ultimate abhorrence when Clarissa, who knew her not, became her friend. Mrs. Tagglety belongs to a very large number of clubs and patriotic organizations; for that matter, she would belong to as many more but for the fact that through her atrocious methods she causes the dissolution of most of those to which she becomes attached. And, being persuasive, she is always seeking, and gaining, recruits. It was thus that she came to Clarissa. "You must be a 'Daughter,'" she announced to my unsuspecting wife. And then she went on to point out to Clarissa that it was the duty of every patriotic American woman to produce her family skeletons in the genealogical court and assert her devotion to her country's good by proclaiming a pedigree of Colonial importance. " But I don't know about my ancestors," Clarissa ventured, timidly. "Then it's time you did," Mrs. Tagglety asserted, rudely; and added, with that platitudinous irrelevance that often characterized her remarks : " Time is passing every day ! " Unable to refute this forceful declaration, Clarissa meekly yielded. When Clarissa innocently informed me that she had decided to become a " Daughter," I neither shrieked nor fainted. Little I knew of the hideous import in the words. When she mentioned the fact that Mrs. Tagglety was responsible for this course of action, I experienced no more than the feeling of antipathy which the naming of Mrs. Tagglety usually caused. And, indeed, events at the first gave me no ground for uneasiness. Clarissa entered on the undertaking without enthusiasm and without undergoing any immediate moral perversion. She made a few perfunctory excursions to the local library, and discovered some qirite innocuous ancestors that seemed to suffice for the exigencies of membership in the "Daughters." Then came the fatal day. On my reaching home an hour before dinner-time, I found Clarissa in a state of high excitement. She had been on the lookout for me, and opened the door herself. " Oh, Arthur." she cried at once, her eyes shining and her cheeks flushed, " Uncle James was a lieutenant ! " "Eh, what?" I stammered, stupidly. "Yes, dear, a real lieutenant! Now, what do you think of that?" I paused to rid myself of my hat and stick before replying, in the hope that my wits might clear sufficiently to fit the occasion. But I was quite unable to understand either Clarissa's enthusiasm or her words. So I was driven to brutal directness. " Who is Uncle James? " I asked gently. " I'm afraid that, just for the moment, of course, I can't exactly place him, you know. Oh, isn't he the one the brother of Uncle Fred that died when he was a baby convulsions, wasn't it? I never knew his name. Was he Uncle J ?" The expression on Clarissa's face bade me pause, which I did; and then, in the moment of silence that

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followed, I remembered, too late, her triumphant announcement that " Uncle James was a lieutenant." No, whoever Uncle James might prove himself to be, he could hardly be the deceased infant. But Clarissa was generous, and restrained a tendency to temper, as she explained: " I forgot that you never knew him. I only found him to-day." " Why, bless us," I exclaimed, " this is interesting. I thought I knew all the family, and here's one I never even heard of. What is it? Was he a black sheep? Did he run away to sea ? " Then, with a sudden suspicion, " You only found him to-day he isn't here, is he?" " No, no ; of course not," Clarissa retorted, rather sharply. "I found him in the library" " Oh," I said, and added, safely, " in the library ! " " He's an ancestor," Clarissa hastened to interpret ; " such an ancestor ! " Now that I understood, I prepared to rejoice with Clarissa. Hitherto the pedigree she had uncovered was chiefly admirable in a negative way. The forebears seemed, so far as could be found out, rather worthy people, not in the least criminal, and not in the least remarkable otherwise. The sole official distinctions among the six generations preceding the present was the holding by Amos Hardy of the office of fence-viewer

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for one term, without impeachment and now a real lieutenant ! I rejoiced with Clarissa. A real lieutenant, indeed! It was more than we could reasonably have expected. I inquired into the details with zest. "Was he in the Civil War?" I asked. Clarissa made contemptuous denial. "The Civil War? Pooh ! Anybody might have been a lieutenant in the Civil War." I continued my fatuous inquiries by hazarding the supposition that it might have been the Mexican struggle that had called forth " Uncle Jimmy's " martial prowess. But again I found Clarissa scornful. "The Mexican War? Pish! The Revolution ! " " Glorious ! " I cried, with somewhat artificial exuberance. Clarissa was, however, unsuspicious. " Yes, isn't it sublime ! Uncle James perhaps you are right, it does seem more re filial to call him Uncle Jimmy fought and bled for his countrymen in their noble battle against their tyrant oppressors. Why, Arthur, it's almost the same as having a great-grandfather or something who was a signer of the Declaration of Independence." " Well, not quite the same," I interposed. " Oh, don't be technical. The meaning is the same. It makes you feel at one with all the glorious dead the noble army of apostles er martyrs on their country's altar. Isn't it? " "Did he go through the whole war?" I asked, with the best intentions in the world. But Clarissa appeared a trifle embarrassed. " Well, not precisely," she admitted. " I suppose, of course, he would have done so, but circumstances prevented." "What were the circumstances?" I said, encouragingly. "Oh, just circumstances," Clarissa explained, airily. She must have seen from my frown of bewilderment that something more definite was required, so she continued : " Why, it's perfectly simple. You see, Uncle Jimmy did not fight all through the war, and of course he would have done so if possible, so it must be that he was prevented by circumstances, though we don't happen to know just what those circumstances were." I confess that this lucid explanation made a humorous rather than a logical appeal to my intelligence, but I courteously refrained from any revelation of this fact to Clarissa. However, my curiosity was so provoked by her manner that I questioned her more closely. "How long did er Uncle er Jimmy serve?"

Clarissa answered, with an indifference that was too palpably assumed : " Let me see the exact time, as given in the records, was, I think er two days." ' Two days ! " I stared at her in amazement. "Yes, two days," Clarissa repeated, tartlv. "What of it?" " I forgive you for your rudeness, Clarissa," I said firmly. " I understand how you feel. Two days ! " " You don't understand anything at all about it," my wife declared, crossly. "As a matter of fact, I don't feel anything at all ; nothing, I assure you that is, nothing that you think I feel." There was a short interval, during which we gave ourselves up to the mastery of those primitive emotions toward which our conversation was swiftly bringing us. Then I caught Clarissa's eye, and we smiled, and she laughed a little. "Anyhow, Uncle Jimmy was a dear," she said. "Only think, a real lieutenant. He was a real lieutenant, jou know, though only for two days. Isn't it lovely? " And I agreed that it was. I soon learned my error. Uncle Jimmy was harmless. I believe that in his time he was a good man. and never offensive, unless during the two days of his belligerency. He had been a small farmer in New England, and on one occasion he had accompanied a militia force of six men as a lieutenant. The objects of this expedition were shrouded in mystery. Why they went, or where, is as the riddle of the Sphinx. All that is known is the meagre fact that they went, and that Uncle Jimmy went with them. This is proved by the record which con-

HE RETURNED WITH HIS SERVER, ON WHICH REPOSED A LARGE HAND

tains the full name of Uncle and reveals the thrifty incident of his drawing pay for two days. But while Uncle Jimmy was thus humble in his contributions to the glory of American arms, he was the precursor of others who were anything but obscure. It seemed that in some way this discovery of one set Clarissa mad with desire for others and greater. Nor can one wonder that this should be so. The period and nature of Uncle Jimmy's service were not such as to fill his descendants with overweening pride, once the novelty of possessing a real lieutenant in the Revolution had worn off. So Clarissa set forth to dig up more imposing ancestors and she succeeded. Alas and alack! She succeeded beyond any peradventure of cavil. There was cousin George Baxter, who had been a colonel. His name is in the school histories, and he really fought for years, in addition to being a real colonel. And Governor Abner Wright! He was one of the molders of the nation's destinies. He, too, was a soldier before he became a governor. And second-Uncle Charley Peck he was so remote in his relationship that Clarissa dared not call him uncle, and he was too dear to her for her to be satisfied with the lukewarm title, cousin ; hence the compromise on that very vague term, second-uncle. And there were many, many others, all men of note in their own day, and all warriors of renown. Clarissa boasted of the stock from which she sprang, and all the town was agog with the glories of our ancestral arms. My wife spent her days in the library burrowing for forebears, and her nights in discoursing on their prowess. I endured this fairly well, though at times I could find it in my heart to thank heaven that they were dead, but the inevitable effect of this, sort of research soon displayed itself in Clarissa and wrought havoc with my domestic peace. For Clarissa became a patriot, even a militarist. She read the editorials in the papers and the heaviest essays on national topics in the reviews ; but most she became absorbed in the army, past, present and to come. Incidentally, she grew into the belief that no man could be a patriot who was not a soldier. This attitude of mind worked evil results for two persons myself and our Japanese servant, Kato. Despite the fact that Kato knew no English, Clarissa learned from him that he had not fought in his. country's war with China, and for this reason she regarded him as a renegade. I pointed out to her the probability that Kato had been too young for military service, but Clarissa was not appeased. From that time forth she disliked the Oriental. How could the lineal descendant of a line of warriors tolerate cowardice ? Kato ultimately escaped; the manner was this: Clarissa was in the habit of giving the servant directions in English, which he never understood, although he was theoretically learning the language. When an order was given, Kato would blink industriously for a COPYRIGHT

minute and then do something! It was never, by any chance, the right thing, but he did something, with an air of complete confidence in the righteousness of his performance. Thus on one occasion, when Clarissa was alone at luncheon, he had forgotten to put the salt on the table. My wife asked him to bring it. He paused and blinked with great earnestness, while she repeated the word " salt ! " emphatically and often. Then Kato left the room, and returned soon with his server, on which reposed, carefully balanced, a large handsaw. It happened that Clarissa was eating fowl, and the inference the servant drew is obvious. But, as Clarissa remarked to me in relating the occurrence : " What could one expect of a mind that worked like that? No wonder he is not a patriot ! " After that Clarisa made more frequent references to the detestable character of one who would not tight for his country in its hour of need. Still, being a tenderhearted woman apart from her prejudices, she could not find it in her heart to discharge him simply for lack of patriotism. Finally, strange to say. he went because of overmuch patriotism. Clarissa told me of the incident with the tears running down her checks. One day when she entered the kitchen, Kato was on his knees in the center of the floor. Before htm a paper was spread out. Clarissa understood that he was about to clean the range and had put down the paper to avoid soiling the floor, as she had shown him. Standing on the paper, Clarissa addressed some remarks to Kato, to which he paid not the slightest attention. On the contrary" as she continued, he advanced slowly toward her, still on his knees, his hands upraised in supplication.

- SAW.... Clarissa understood that he took her words to be a rebuke, and endeavored to explain in kindly tones that she was not reprimanding him. But it was all in vain. Kato grovelled at her feet, and now the tears began to stream from his eyes. Then, as Clarissa continued her attempt to soothe him, he cried aloud, and laid hold on the paper beneath her feet. Clarissa stepped back in alarm. And then Kato fairly fell on the sheet and clutched it to his bosom. With the tears still flowing down his cheeks, he pressed to his lips that exact spot of the paper on which one of Clarissa's feet had rested. " My Kling ! My Kling ! " he clamored. It was a picture of the Mikado, of the Son of Heaven, on which had rested the profane foot of this foreign devil. The little man's partiotic heart was quite broken. He left within the hour, despite the frantic repentance of Clarissa. My wife wept when she recounted the tragedy to me. She bewailed her unjustness to Kato and was more patriotic than before. Now, at last, she turned on me. " It is a pity," she remarked meditatively one night as we were on the point of retiring, "that your folks didn't send you to West Point." " Oh," I replied modestly, " I guess not I don't think I was cut out for a warrior." But Clarissa insisted. " You would look splendid in a uniform," she continued. She half closed her eyes and gazed at me dreamily, while I straightened up and expanded my chest to the best of my ability, and, on the whole, was inclined to agree with her. Thus far the matter was agreeable rather than otherwise. But new aspects soon developed, and I was plunged into misery. In short, Clarissa formed a habit of regretting that I was not a soldier. When she urged the sadness of my being a recreant from all the traditions of my race, I pointed out that the warriors were of her family and not of mine. This dismayed her for the time being, but the respite was short. She extended her researches, and speedily produced an appalling number of fighters in my own pedigree. This left me defenceless, and I could only sit in silent misery whilst Clarissa remarked mournfully: "If you were only a general, now, or even a colonel, with your figure." She really hypnotized me by the strength of her own regret, until I became a source of anguish to myself, and felt that I, in my successful professional career, had shattered the noblest traditions of my race. Clarissa was tireless in her ways of emphasizing the splendors of war. She sang of armored knights and sanguinary chiefs, she played selections in which the has keys of the piano simulated the clash of arms ; her literature was significant innumerable histories of innumerable wars, extracts from which she would read to me in a voice that vibrated between martial sympathy with the narrative and keen reproach for me. The novels followed the same line of thought; even the pic

tures on the walls of our home gradually changed, until they showed little besides charging troops and the smoka of battle. Naturally, all this weighed fearfully on my spirits. I realized that here was a crisi that must ba met. The integrity of our home was threatened. 1 determined to rie to Clarissa's conception of my duty at a man. a patriot and a descendant. Once reolvcd on my course, I hastened to impart the glad tidings to my wife. " Garissa." I said, with conscious pride. your ambition is about to be achieved. Within three day I shall be a soldier." With a cry of rapture Clarissa threw herself into my arms. Oh. my dear!" she quavered ecstatically. "B must tell Mrs. Tagglety at once. But." after a moment's pause, "how can you accomplish jour noble purpose? " I shall enlist," I explained. " But but you will be a private. Oh. Arthur, what a disgrace to your august ancestor! A common soldier!'' " I suppose I can rise." I said, moodily. "What? Rise from the ranks?" Clarissa questioned. " Oh, no, you couldn't do that." I became indignant. Evidently my self-sacrifice waa not accomplishing the happiest results. Morovr, I did not like Clarissa's dogmatic assertion that it would ba impossible for me to rie from the ranks. "Why not?" I demanded. Clarissa was explicit : " Why. you see. nobody evef rises from the ranks, in all I've read, unless he distinguishes himself by some action of wonderful valor a sort of Victoria-Cross thing, you know." "And why shouldn't I do something Victoria-Cross-like, I want to know ? I guess I'm brave enough. YoU forget the blood that flows in my veins." "But you would have to fight, so it is impossible," my wife replied, imperturbably. "Of course I'd have to fight soldiers do." "Oh, but you mustn't. Arthur, dearest!" "Eh?" I questioned, blankly. " No, darling, never ! Why, you might get hurt 1 Clarissa's eyes were wide with dismay. " But, Clarissa," I argued, " I can't be a soldier unless I fight." " Oh, yes. you can. Just join the militia." "The militia gets called out sometimes," I persisted, "and goes to war, too." "Pooh! If anything happens you can resign." " Don't you know that to resign at such a time is impossible to a man of honor ? " "Would you rather be hurt in a horrid battle?" " Yes, certainly," I affirmed. "Then you mustn't enlist," Clarissa decided. "I'm not going to have you run any risk of getting all mussed up by one of those nasty ratters." " Ratters ? " I repeated, in bewilderment . "Well," said Clarissa, with great lucidity, "it has something to do with rats or terriers or mice that's tha way I remember it." "Mausers!" I cried. " Mousers or ratters or terriers! I really do not seathat it matters," Clarissa replied, pettishly! j " Not at all," I agreed. " But I sha'n't enlist!" ! " Certainly not." Clarissa said, disdainfully. " I don't see how you ever came to think of anything so foolhardy and reckless and er criminal." Thus the incident was dosed. Afterward, Clarissa wa more gentle in her manner toward me. I appreciated her chastened mood, and learned to sing the "Two Grenadiers." though I haven't the voice for it, so my friends said. Still, I could see that Clarissa was not content, despite her efforts to conceal her longings from me. During the months of my afflict ion, I had been very busy with political work, campaigning for my friend Norton, who, after holding many offices of importance, now sought election as chief executive of the State. K hard fight ended in his victory, and when the struggla was over, he and I took a vacation trip together. Naturally, I revealed all my troubles to him, and m thd simplest manner he relieved the situation. I cut short my absence that I might hasten to inform, Clarissa of the beautiful truth. " Clarissa," I began, as soon as I had kissed her, " I am a worthy scion of my race. I, too, Clarissa I am a, warrior ! " "Oh, Arthur, you haven't gone and enlisted?" And I thought she grew a little pale. "No, dearest, no; it is perfectly safe." " But what can it be, then? Oh, is it true? How can it be true?" Her eyes were like stars now, and her. voice was charged with joy. " I am a soldier," I said, solemnly; "a warrior more I am an officer, a colonel ! " , " I low wonderful ! " Garissa breathed, reverently.' "Oh, won't you look just splendid in your " " I have already been measured for my uniform," announced. "It is magnificent! Gold lace " "Gold lace!" and epaulets" "Epaulets!" and a sword " " A sword!" " and boots " "Boots!" " and er things! Magnificent!" "Oh, it's just too heavenly!" Clarissa sighed. "But tell me, Arthur dearest, how did you do h?" "Norton has appointed me a colonel on his staff!" There wa? a rapturous pause. Then Clarissa exclaimed : "A stafT-ofKcer, only think of it!" Uncle Jimmy, indeed ! Garissa became thoughtful for a moment. When sha spoke, her words were heavy with importance: "We must plan to go abroad. You will wish to attend the military mamruvrts of Europe." The servant announced Mrs. Tagglety. As that odious person entered, Garissa turned to her with a new majesty of bearing, and said in a voice thrilled witli emotion : "My husband, the COLONEL, has returned!'