Richmond Palladium (Daily), Volume 34, Number 119, 7 March 1909 — Page 6

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iS yhftttft - B looked up from His paper. This Burbank car." ho said, wonder, ain't he?" nodded. "I suppose before lone he'll be grafting corn to beans and getting succotash," be continued spec ulatlvely. "And then be'll fix bis apple trees so's they'll bear pertaters, thereby saving all the trouble of dieting 'em. . "1 shouldn't be at all surprised," I assented. "Tne wonders that science each dar unfolds are almost unbelievable." '' Me nodded profoundly at my very trite remark. "Yes," he agreed. "And that same science is folding up a few wonders, too, that we don't never hear nothing about. Take my friend Vertigo Smith, far Instance." "Who was he7" X queried Interestedly. -J "Ton never heard of him?" responded my vls-a-, els; as one who asks a question, knowing beforehand the answer. - "No I replied. "And you ain't lonesome," he observed. "Lots people never heard of him; and never will. But In his way, ho has this Burbank party skinned a league, I'll tell yer about him If yer got time," be volunteered. i I had the flme7plerityof ltfand I so said. Whereat, taking a long draught from the glass at his elfbow, and wiping his trailing mustache on the back f his hand, ho began: through Calif orny, looking for gold but finding nothing but sore feet and a thirst. Fate was sure handing me out a deal from the bottom of the deck, and I was reduced at length to one burrer, loaded with a shovel and the habllments I was standing In. I retained said shovel and raiments only beeause I oouldn't sell 'em and said burrer only because I oouldn't give him away. "Well, one afternoon I'm tramping along with despair In my heart and even less in my stomach, ; wondering weakly whether there's enough meat on the burrer to pay for mending the teeth I'm liable It break picking it off, when suddenly I comes to a tan la the trail and there before me spreads a vegtationous valley full of the most fullsome verdure that over you-sse."-.'.i; "la the middle of this valley there stands a 'dot tension and all around it the most amaslng collection of sheds and shacks that ever you laid your lamps on. There were some high ones and some low ones and tome long ones and some short ones. And what with the house, they all looks like a big Huff Cochin hen surrounded by a bunch of the most tU assorted chickens that ever was. "However, I ain't hypercritical. 'Where ther's tire, there's beans,' nays I to myself. And If a party desire to efface the beauteous visage of Nature by ticking around on it a lot of five and ten-cent stone dittoes, it ain't none of my funeral as long as I can get a hand-out myself, 'tilt up. there, Gehenna,' ays I to the burrer; and we prepare to teeter down Into the aforesaid verdant valley ,' "Halfway down the hill there's another bend m the trail. Ana as we comes around this I stops bort while tne burrer does even better for be turns a back somersault; and then sets there on the hovel too frightened to bat an eye. "The one , glimpse I has Is plenty sufficient. I stands back to trying to make my convolutions con.' volute. "Before me, meandering saloobiiously across the (lain, Is the worst looking collection of fauna that Over made merry in an Inebriate's Home, it was are a psychopathic ward, assemblage, and then some. Pour-footed things with wings, and twofooted ones without, and birds with hair on em' and fishes with lalgs great suffering Jemima! it was sure enough to make a party pin blue ribbons' u himself until he coaldnt see out, and take up his residence permanent In the cellar of the headquarters of the W. C. T. U.. ' "With my eyes bugged out so's you could 'a' kaonked 'em off with a stick, I watched the procession out of sight and then turned to the burrer. He was setting there with a faraway look In his yes talking to himself. " Com on. Gehenna says I, nudging him gently wtth my short spikes. Le's get a move on ourselves toward yon villa and put an end to this debauch of starvation that we've been on; for If we're Casing things like that to-day, to-morrow will be--TEH ONB GLIMPSE I HAS IS PLENTY f SUFFICIENT, hold us making suicide pacta and picking mud turtle out of each other's hair." "Poor Gehenna has all he can do to get up on hia pin and we're a very shaky pair as we wend our way onward to the IMison concerete villa which looked as though ft had been made In an Ice cream mold and pourd out before It had time to set properly. . "As we near the colony of Juvenile houses that I have before alooded to. I sees that they're all coops and cages of different kind?. Borne of 'em baa bard winders, some of 'em hasn't. Borne of

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'ems empty, Some of 'ems full. But I keeps my eyes resolutely to the fore; for I ain't takin' no chances. V When a party has set on the edge of his bed for weeks at a time, throwing his boots at a blue Jellyfish with pink wings and a plug hat, be learns that curiosity Is a curse and he don't pay no attention to bo zoological exotic until It trips him up. But the burrer being denied the valyooble data that Is mine Immediately begins to rubber like an up Stater In a sightseeing truck with the result that he becomes so obsessed with terrifying fears that his lege won't work,' and ' I has to carry him the rest of the way. And as we comes around the corner, we sees setting before tbe door., an old man teaching a large horn pout to set upon Its hind lalgs and beg. . . "After focusing my already bugged eyes on this new spectacle, I begins to wonder if Gehenna himself Is trooly reef. So I kicks him; and when he

DO TOU SEE THIS?" HE SATS. kicks me back, and I find it hurts, I am deligbted beyond words. "So 1 smiles on the old party with deep sympathy and feller-feeling. "That's right," I says encouragingly. "Humor yerself . When you get 'em as bad as that, It . ain't a particle of use to try to kill 'em. So Just set down and have a good time with 'em and bymebye they'll go away." "'What's the matter with you?'-asks the old man, sort o peevish like." - " 1 don't know, I says to the old party, 'whether Its' stomachache or backache that's ailing me. All 1 can tell yer is that I ain't tasted food for so long that I've forgot even the smell 'of onions.' " 'Lie down, Lucy,' says the old man to tbe hornpout; and the last named settles down comfortably with Its head between Its fore paws, the old party climbs up onto his feet. 'Come on In the house,' he says, 'and I'll see if I can get a snack for yer.' "Taking Gehenna under my arm for company, 1, toilers him Into the house. "The old man watches me thoughtfully as I loads into my shrunken frame four dollars worth of pork and beans and biscuits. " '1 hopes my pets ain't frightened you he says, at len'th, apologetically, combing his whiskers with his fingers. " 'Oh, not at all I rejoins, p'lltely. . 'I've had 'em myself, several times. They're unpleasant but not necessarily dangerous. And If you'll swear off gradually, say cutting down half a pint a day at first, and then slowly increasing the stringency, it's surprising how quick you'll get rid of 'em.' "He brushes my well-meant suggestions aside with an impatient wave of the hand and, stooping over, takes from the floor a long, oioo snake with green wings and three sets of lalgs. " Do you see this? he says. " res, 1 1 replies. 'And I may as well confess it's the first time I ever knowed delirium trimmings was contagious.' ' " 'Feel of it he says. lt won't hurt you . "1 grins. " I know It," I says, 'and good reason why, hain't there. I wore out three pairs of shoes and put my shoulder out of Joint on two separate occasions finding out that simple fact. " 'Try he says, shoving the snake at me. " 'Why sure I says, 'if it'll please yer any.' "I put my hand out confidently expecting it to go right through the snake and flat on the table. But It don't. And I gives a yell that sends Gehenna scuttling under the stove and falls plumb over back, ward In my chair. " Kasy says tbe old party. They ain't no danger.' " 'Ain't eh!" I says, a trifle peevishly, I fear, I know that well enough. But it's the strain on your credulousness that I objects to and I goes back three steps to. get a flying start. , "Well, set down and have a piece of prune pie '. he says. - "Jest at this Juncshure. for a piece o pie, prune or otherwise, I'd have set down In the middle of a school of gryphons and gargoyles and been glad of tbe chance. So I done it. And tbe old party, after slicing me out a wedge of the succulent provender aroresald, sets down opposite me again. . "'I.' he says at length, impressively, puttln down the snake and taking out of his vest pocket a creation that looked like a smallpox microbe mgnified " one million times, 'am Vertigo Smith.' ""1 don't wonder I says. 'Was the name bestowed or acquired? " lt was given me by my payrents he rejoins, 'who was well-intentioned parties, but sadly Illiterate. They seen It In a almanac and, thlnkln' it sounded good, they gives it to me.' "He continues:. "1 he says, am a second Burbank. Or ruther. I should say, Burbank is a second me. For he deals with senseless and Inanimate things like flowers and trees and froot and cord wood and such futile and contemptible inyootllltles, white I devote my tireless energlees and untlmltlss genius to the anlmlle kingdom. Them and he waves his band blithely at the-snake and the smallpox germ, 'are some of my eggsperlments. This, he goes on, patting the xfttatr) xeotiy, 'la the result of mixlajr the

life blood of the scorpion with that of the cockroach, and again crossing the combination with the tarantula, I eggspect In time to be able to Instill Into his lovely little creature the Instincts and flesh of the slootbhound, and finally of my cultivated rhinoceros, passing on my way through the Hon, the tiger, the leopard, the grizzly bear tne rattlesnake, the Gila monster, and the panther. "That'll mak a fine pet when you get It finished, won't It?' I queries. 'It'll be a nice thing to replace lapdoga with. , -. - lHe ignores my untimely faeetlousness. " 'It will add greatly to zoology." he asserts. ; 'And subtract greatly from anthropology I suggests. ; ' : : "'And It'll make a fine watch dog he says. " 'You're right I agrees. The burglar will immediately begin to hump the dodo for first place. andtat's no lie. - - Xmong my other interesting eggperlments he be goes on, 'was crossing a cat with a mouse. But this wasn't entirely successful, .being as when tbe resultant anlmlle grew old enough to find out what it was, It chasd itself to death. "1 have also he goes on, intermingled the blood of a horse and tbe ostrfth, thereby securing a maximum speed with minimum of weight; and I found that tbe feathers you could get off a horse would pay for his keep; whereby I got Edison's newly discovered storage battery which has been coming out sence I was a boy, beaten eighty ways for Christ- ' mas. , " 'Aiso by weaving my way around through the species or Gorden setter, cow, and giraffe, I have obtained a animile meek, intelligent, that gives milk, that will do simple little errands like retching you yer gloves and shutting the door, and that as well can be used to double advantage In the cherry picking season.' ' . " 'if you could get a hen and a egg beater In that combination somewhere I ventured helpfully, for 1 am getting a heap imbued with his ideas by this time, 'and hang a bottle of good Four X around its neck, all you'd have to do would be to whistle and It would bring you a neggnog any time you was thirsty!" "'He Ignores me. 'At present he says, I am much interested in parasites. A parasite Is a zoological antidote. Cats Is parasites for mice. Dogs Is parasites for cats..' " "I see!' 1 eggsclalms. Jest like drunkards Is parasites for whiskey, ' and pamc is parasite for money. ; . "That the Idea he approves, 'except that you must stick to the fauna. Now, he goes on. 'take moqultoes for eggsample. You live, say. In Noo Jersey, or Pelham Manor, or some other badly Infested Stater Kvery time you go out on tbe piazza after four o'clock, you're kep so busy slapping your lalgs and neck that you can't converse In anything eggeept proranlty Now, Just Imagine what a wonderful, priceless relief It would be ir you'cculd have, say, half a dozen moqulto parasites to set around on . the back of your chair, or along the welts of your shoes, and nail the mosquitoes as fast as they come! And then, when bedtime had arrived, they'd set on : your piller beside your bead and pop 1 every dadblamed stygomia that tried to tap a blood vessel" "Fine!' 1 agreed. 'Immense!' " 1 think so,' he acquiesced, complacently. 'We

IT WAS SOME KIND OF A PARLOUS JOB. WAS FEEDING THEM EXOTICS." can afford to sell 'em for a quarter apiece. They'll be self-supporting In summer and will hibernate all winter among your summer clo'es, keepin' the moths out of 'em and living on a small quantity of camphor.;' '8 "lt sounds fine I says. 'It sure does!' " 'It Is fine he says. 'But there's more money In big things. And the biggest thing of all is the 'dlplodocus 'r " The what? says I. :i " ' " The dlplodocus he says. 'It's a reptile he says, "or a mammal or a fish, or a bird, or something like that. 1 don't know what It is. But I'm going to find out or bust a suspender trying. Andrew Carnegie bought the skeleton of one the other day for twenty thousand or fifty thousand dollars, 'r something like that. And If the skeleton is worth that much the finished product ought to be worth a million, so,' be announced,-impressively, 'I'm going to raise a herd of 'em for the home and eggsport. trade. 1 figure that when J. get 'em to multiplying right, I'll have an Income of twenty or thirty millions per annually. I'll work slow and secret at first, selling stuffed ones to tbe natural hlstry mooseums. Tnea. I'M branch out, taking zoological gardens and circus menageries. ; And after they all get supplied I can sell "em for domestic animals. They'd be fine for moving houses or towing canal boats. , "Well, to stretch a short story, the old gent took a great fancy to me; and I did to him. So when ho offered me a Job helping him with the spedments, I took It and settled down with him tn the poured-out villa. And though I was nervous at first It waant long before I got use to It and didn't mind It no more'n if I'd always lived In a pcychopatlhc ward And Gehenna he used to have good times, too, play lng with horsetriche and the kangaroosters. "There was a lot of anlmlles there that I hadn't

seen. He kep 'em in an Immense corral around the corner of the mountain. There waa some elephants he was makin over Into mastodone and mammoths and behemoths and things; and a twolalgged rhinoceros that waa as big as from here to yonder and back. "We used some of the fancy stock to start our dlplodcus with. We had one biped that was worked up through a penguin to a hlppotamus that waa a peach. And another creation that was composed of kangaroos, whales and emus. And so on, by arduous, unremitting, painstaking effort we began to get results, and after several' years tbere came one day something that looked a whole lot liked the desired rauna. 'j "When It got big enough to balance Itself with having its head and tall resting on the ground, wo stood around one day looking at it. " There's something Trong," remarked old Smith, loogoobrlously. 'It looks more Hkea cuspldo than a dlplodocus. What's ailin'. d'yer 'spose?' " You can search me I says. It looks as though It had lost its last friend, and that friend owln it money. I don't believe it's got enough initiative to bite it you was to stick your linger in its mouth and make faces at it.' . "Old smith brought his band down on bis knee so hard be liked to split tbe cap. You've bit it he eggsclalmed. It's too mushy and meek and lowly and humble looking. All them things we bred It through were soft and lumpy antmiles like cows and hlppotamuses and things. It wants a little bit o fervor injected into it some stamia and gumption, by heck. We should have mixed in the rhinoceros and tbe rogue elephant. That would straighten It up and stiffen It out and make It a dlplodocus and a dlplodocus right . 'That's so I agrees. 'We'll insert the requls-

"HE WAS SPREADING HIMSELF FOR FURTHER ORDERS. ite blood and spent. This present disappointing speciment. though, ure.' will help to Increase the stat"Well, that was what we dons. We got the old rogue elephant that was that cantankerous that ho had to be handled with a derrick, and dynamite, and the rhinoceros who was a natural born mtsanthropo and a fighter from the word go, and 'way behind that, and proceeded to go back along the family tree ot our dlplodocus and grafted them on at what we deemed sutiable Intervals.. "You can Imagine we were some eggsclted as wo waited. Our first dlplodocus wasn't no slouch. We'd bad to build a special barn for.lt that washes ' big as the main tent of a three-ringed circus; It would take you ten minutes to walk around It and tbe longest ladder in the place wasn't long enough to reach to Its ridgepole. So you can Imagine that our second was going to be some pumpkins. Old Smith bad it all framed up that be wouldn't let him go for a cent under half a million; and then only after he had a large family of descendants strewed over the valley. "Well, he was right. That second dlplodocus equaled, and even 'eggsceeded our fondest hopes. He was so big that his skeleton would make the one Carnegie bought look like an X-ray photograph of a dress form. . It sure towered above Its maternal ancester like tbe Singer building above the subway. V "To say that Vertigo and me was delighted Is expressing it feebly. We was In transports of Joy. Kcstatlc happiness oozed out of us at every pore, and between, and all that morning, we Just took hold of hands and danced, around our new dlplodocus. It was like playing Rlng-Around-a-Rosy in a department store. "Day by day we watched our creation grow and expand, both physically and mentally. Them big anlmlles, as a rule, are slow in machurlng. But this one was right up to the speed limit. In less'n a week he could stand alone. He was weaned at three montbs. And after that it kep' me and Verltgo busy fourteen hours a day rustling enough provender to keep them two dlplodocuses from starving to , ceath. "Le' me tell yer. It was some kind of a parlous Job .was feeding them exotics. They had some dog In them somewhere, and from that the new one had a nablt of wagging his tall; the old one was too puny. And Kover (we'd named the new one that) smashed the end of the house off one afternoon. In showing his gratitude for a couple of bales of bay we'd give him. Another day he knocked down three of them giant redwoods and an orange tree. We found some of the oranges four miles down the valley. : : V,- -.-". :'.'-"- "Well, everything went along all right for about six months. Me and Vertigo was as happy as kittens under a stove and Rover was thriving to beat three of a kind. Not a clond was upon our horizons. We dwelt In the soft sunshine of sweet content and wouldn't nave swapped places with the Czar of all the Rooshlas and some of the Rooshlans. "T hat's always the way, I've noticed. It's always serene Just before something's doo to be handed to you In the place where It will hurt the worst; Whenever things ts going along on castors and your liking yourself partlen'rlr well, and feeling particularly good, aad a7lanlnv to believe that the Golden

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Rule might possibly not be a fake after all. youTa doo for a bump. , "We got ours, it come la the night. - It , ly does. "1 had Just rolled over on the other i getting nicely started on the second lap of the Hon pneui handicap, when I heard a noise that sounded like the end or the world. "I come out ot it. and fetched Vertigo a kick. . ; " 'You're on your back I honored In kk ear. "But then the noise come again; aad I knowed t was wrong. And additional proof come tn another minute; tor the house was yanked right off over me and I was gazing up into the starry ens and wondering what had happened. "And then It burst forth In all Its rury. Tbe alt wad filled wtth wild, discordant yowls. The roe ; wood trees was falling Uko grain before the patent reaper; and our D. T. menagerie could bo heard in a little concerted specialty that sounded, however, feeble and unimpressive In comparison to the main noise. "it cometto me In a flash. It was Rover! Wo had Injected too much elephanC and. rhinoceros! ' Our lmpetuousness had made us Incautious. Alas! How true it is that careless work carries its own penal ties. "I lay there in the Caliromy midnight and my union suit thinking over these things when, an of a sudden, dlplodocus. who had Just finished fUlingj the middle distance with our coop of Jarkss warles. got his lamps on me. "Giving a wild shake of his head, and emitting m horrid snort, he threw the last Jac cassowary straight up at Cassyopeer's chair and charged at ate. "It took me less than a fraction of a split soeonA to leave the woven wire. Vertlgo was already i lng in the middle of what once had been the combing his whiskers with n shoe and staring kelp lessly about. x "The horstrlches!" I yelled at hiss, as I past. "A word to the wise, yon know; and ho all right, and getting wiser every minute. "The barnyard was a sight. Kover had clean Job. Tbere was Just one horsetiluh loft nt , of all the strange creations of Vertigo's groat gen lus. Even the dlplodocus old lady was a contribution to the festival. V "1 grabbed the horsetrich by on wing ant Vertigo he grabbed the other. Wo swung ourselves up- -on his back, me In frontand stack our keels tat its sides. it responded nobly to oar encouragements and slid off, down the valley at n rata f sjsog) that would have had the Empire Stat fir rase aa lng like a traction engine. "But did we lose the dlplodocusT Mover on your immortal life! He hadn't, missed ear steed's tall feathers by a foot when wo started forth tress th barn yard. As wo pssssd what had once been oar happy home, ho was spreading hlmsslf for farther ' ' orders, ' emitting the most , blood-chllllag yelps at every leap; and evory third Jump his kangaroo blood would assert Itself and he'd Shun his tal down on the ground and give hlmsslf a push, and hurtle through the air for a good ninety foot "The memory of that ride Is wtth ass yet, far ticufarly after a bedtime snack of pigs' foot and lco ' cream, or mince pie and Welch rarebtt. Often in the still watches. I awaken the house wtth weird yells and the frightened hoarders cosso rannlag t my room to find mo astride the radiator, urging it on to frantic endeavor, while the cold . down my pallid, somsambultetle visage In i by beck! . " . i "As we flashed by tho end of the valley I cstiS hear those frightful yowls coming nsarsr aad asar er. I dared not took around. We wero covering the ground nt tho rate of at least throe miles per minute, and it required all say skill to keep my " place. . - ? "1 clutched our faithful borsotrkch. around tho neck. On wo raced, and on, and on I board n shrill yell in my ear. Vertigo's nns suddenly, slipped from th waistband of my union satt. Our steed (ours no longer, alas, but now miss alone), pressed on more swiftly and I know Vertig gone. Poor Vertigo! . . Poor, poor Vertigo! He come down three days later In San Antonio, Texas, and broke up one of tne moat successful revival services they'd ever had there . , : , "Another fifty or seventy-five miles, aad I felt, rather than heard, the dlplodocus agala at our heel,: 1 stole a hurried glance over my shoulder. Yes tbero he was, his bared, glistening teeth not a yard away,,' his little eyef Bashing venomously. He made a swipe for mo and missed. Another and auddsa-) ly my poor horsetrich was yanked out from under j me and I was going on alone through tho air. . J "l lit in a small but well ventilated hole la tba ground that turned oat to bo th other end of tba' Mammoth Cave, it was too small for tb dlplodocus to enter. That la tho only thing that saved my, lire. - . . - -. . ' "For three weeks I ea hoisted oa ask. They blind and a cmca to catch; though much harder to eat. And at length I was foaad by n guide who was taking a party of school-teachers front Deebe,! Indiana, through the simplest ramflcntlon of tho; wonderful burrow. I was delirious, they told and sadly emendated; and when they discovers I'm setting on a stalagmite with a blind tadpole In each hand, singing in feeble accents. However, I know nothing of all that myself for I was out f my head for several weeks. He ceased. , V ( ."':V . "But did yon ever go back?" I queried, . He eyed me with squelching scorn, J "Did I ever go back!" be repeated. "DM I over! go back! And then, "Say, what do yo ntako ato; for, anyhow, bar?" "' 1 1 didn't answer bJs question. - It would aot bav ' been polite. And, besides, he was muc Uzzs j than I. .'