Richmond Palladium (Daily), 29 November 1901 — Page 6

IMC'IIMOXD 1A1L.Y IVALLYBirJH, F1UDAY, NOVEMI5ER 20, lOOl.

A TALE OF A GOAT. Hon O'Flahrrt jr'a Sfr Red Shirt far4 lb Hastlac of Train. Patrick O" Flaherty owned a billygoat which, after the mauner of its kind, occasionally departed from tl straight and narrow path. I'r.tricU also had a new red shirt, for which he bad paid $2.50 in Icgul currency. Now Tat awoke one Sunday morning to a realizing sense of the fact that a Loliday confronted him. He sought Lis new red shirt. The shirt, however, was not where he had left It. "Nora." he demanded of bis wife, "where's that new shirt of mine?" "You haren't any new shirt, she replied. "But I have." Insisted Pat. "1 bought it yesterday and paid two dollar bills and a fifty cent piece for it. Now where is it?" "I know, but you haven't got It any more." Nora continued sadly. "The goat has swallowed It." Tat was furious and vowed that he would get even with the goat. "He'll never swallow a shirt of mine again," be remarked, with a sinister look which boded no good for poor Billy. There Is a railroad track near Pat's bouse, and to that track he went forthwith, leading Billy by a stout rope. Mr. Billy was then tied firmly between the rails, one horn conuected to one eide and the other to the opposite. Pat then waited the arrival of the next train, which was due In fifteen minutes. The train came flying around the curve. Pat looked the other way. He was of a humane diMposition and did not want to see the goat killed. He turned toward home, merely glancing around to assure himself that the execution had been properly accomplished. Lo and behold! There stood the goat ensconced safely between the rails and calmly gnawing at the ropes by which he was Injurid. P.illy had touched up that red shirt and flagged the train. Ne York Times. John Doe. "One night Cosn-llo picked up a man who was unable to give his name, so they booked him as 'John Ioe.' of course." said the bailiff. "In the morning he was brought up before Judge Doolt'y. 'What's his name? asks the Judge. 'Saraga winski. your bouor. says Costello. 'He could a' t remember it Inst night, so we had to book him as "John Ioe." ' " 'Well, well, says the judge. "I don't wonder. If I had a name like that, I'd forget it myself.' "Chicago News. deeded I'uatltifr. The colored citizen wrote the following to his son in the city: "William, my son. dis is ter let you know dat I tryin" fer a job in de guv'ment. en I 'spects I'll hatter answer dem questions in de civil service. Now, what I wants you ter do Is ter go to de booksto man en as him fer 'Bunyan's rilgrim Politics.' so's I kin read up en know ! s una i I doin'!" Atlanta Constitution Lore Made Htm Go Roaad. Lady What brought you to this deplorable condition? Tramp It wus a love affair, ma'am. Lady Poor man! How very sad! Here's a quarter for you. Tramp Thanks, ma'am. Dls will kinder give dat love affair uv mine a boost. You see. It wus my love fer liquor dat put me on de hog train. Chicago News. Rldlcaloai Qaerr. "You are familiar with the game laws. I believe." said Dinwiddie to Van Braam. "Well, what are you driving at now?" asked Van Braam. who knew that his friend never went bunting. "Do they apply to shooting stars?" Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph. "1 v. iil j: 3 "Dese roads is awfitl dangerous. "Why. this here's a quiet, law a bidIn" neighborhood." "Saw. Why. sis fellers on de way here offered me work." New York Journal. , Distinctly Selflaa. "Have you ever done anything to better the condition of any part of the human race? said the very serious man. "Of course I have." answered the person with the cold gray eye- "Am 1 not a part of the human race!" Washington Star. Flattery. Cook Johnnie, didn't I tell yoo to keep out of my. pantry? Johnnie Yep; but I simply couldn't resist your food cooking! New York atourumJ.

HUMOR OF THE HOUR

otirr to Borslara. A certain Woodbridtfe js'reet n:?rchant who has been frequert'y a vie tlm of safe blowers has adopted h-jv-el and somewhat humorous plan of safeguarding his uwmjr rau'.s frui depredations that might be contain plated by individual! of the bur'Iiri ous fraternity. After his last dear es perience he decided that a s:fe wasn't the "safest" place in the worfd f jr valuables, and he now makes a practice of pro'nptly banking his pso.r.s :i ! of t3k'ng whatever of vahie is i?i tS;.- v;.f.t the close of the day's busi-i ! ui. with him. He says the aiu!,t!im:cracksman that should tackle his -afe now o nights would find "por pick lng." Posted over the front of the saf'i in black, conspicuous type is this sign: "Notice. Please do not blow open the safe. Here Is the key." And. sure enough, the key to the safe hangs over the sign, being suspended from one of the hinges. Detroit Free Press. Hay Verana Oala. "I see." said the truck horse as he looked over the top of his uioiuicg paper "I see that the price of oats is going op." "Well." said the sagacious old nag that drew the doctor's phaeton, 'there Is one sure thing, and that Is they can"t put hay Into Its place." "And why not?" Inquired the truck horse. "Because it would go against the grain." replied the doctor's nag. Cleveland Plain Dealer. Boalaa Men. Barnes I don't know whether' it is in the atmosphere or the surroundings, but the effect of lectures on me is not always the same. Howes Probably not Barnes When Professor Belcher lectures down at the Lyceum. I invariably go to sleep, whereas when my wife lectures me after going to bed I am as wide awake as can be. And I'm not at all interested ii her subject. Funny, ain't it? Boston Transcript. Tbe Way He Looked. "But I tell you your shopping is extravagant." he protested. "You should never take a thing just because it looks cheap." "Indeed!" said the extravagant young Wife. "If I had followed that advice when you proposed to me. 1 never vould have taken you.' Philadelphia Press. Ttoose Dear GIrla. If --ire. - ! less Mamma was rummaging through the attic today, and she found the cradle I used when I was a baby. She was going to throw it out, but I wouldn't let her. Jess I should say not! Antiques are all the rage now. Her ClrcnlatiDK Medium. "She's a very cautious woman, especially about gossip. No woman eer beard her retail any scandal." "But 1 am told that stories confided to her In seereev do get out somehow." "Yes, I know. You see. she tells them all to her husband." Cleveland Plain Dealer. The Proof. Then the defiant militant spirit took possession of the devoted missionary. "You think I'm a pudding." be cried. "I'll show you I am not!" "The proof of the pudding is in the eating." rejoined the savage darkly. Detroit Free Press. Tbey All Do. "What is the first and m.ist important thing to do when one goes out to team to play golf? "Get photographed in the act of driving or putting or something." Chicago Record-Herald. An Objeetion. "Don't you appreciate the opportunity of voting?" "1 sho'ly does." answered Mr. Erastus Pinkley. "Oe only trouMe is dat de job ain't stiddy enough." Washing ton Star. A Matter of Effeet. Tauline ilow would you differenfi ate wit and humor? Emeline Humor makes us laiiTh; wit makes us feel as if we were expected to laugh. Detroit Journal. In am Aente Form. Wigg Bjones suffers from hay fever, doesn't he? Wa gg I should say be does. He can't even pass a grass widow without sneezing. Philadelphia Record. Anotner .Hatter. "!tv Magistrate Of course I don't "sh to stand in the way of my daughter s happiness, but I know so little of you. Mr. Hawkins. What is your vocation ? Mr. Hawkins (airily) Oh, I write er poetry, novels er plays and that sort of thing. City Magistrate Indeed! Most Interesting! And how do you live? Pnnch. One Tains 1 Hit Favor. Ma Emma's beau Is one of the shining lights In bis town. Pa That probably accounts for the gas bill being' so small since be began calling here. Chelsea (Maaaj Gazette.

POSITIVE PROOF

Should Convince the Greatest Skeptic in Richmond. Be cause it's evidence in R'cbncond It's fttmacitiz-n, perhapa neighbor. lDvetjrat:on wi'l confirm i. Mr. U. W.Hunt of 4o) Main fctreet, a v-teran of the civil war, a member of Cc n-pany A, 7yth Ohio infantry, duris.. the civil war, says: "During fevr or fcve ears I suffered a greas detl with severe pains through my it ins arc kidnevs and an irregular ar.d distressing action of the kidaey secret ;ons, accompanied by cons derab!e pain. My face, particularly below the eyes, puffed and bloated and 1 suffered a frreat deal from headache and dizzy spells. On account of no ri stiDj? wei; I feJt tired and exhausted in the mornings. My attention was attracted to Doans Kidn?y Pills, which were highly rerrm met ded, and I went to A. G. Luke"s drug store and got a box. I took but a few doses when I began to improve steadily in spite of my advanced age until 1 had no more aches and pains, the headache disappeared, I rested well and felt altogether like a new man." For sale by all dealt rs, price 50 cents per box. Foster-Milburn Co. Buffalo, N. Y. sole agents for the United States. Remember the name Doan's and take no substitute. Rocinrll and the (ilnerr Cakea. "Hid you ever hear about President Roosevelt's first visit to iiu .MnV" sked a traveling man the oilur iii;.-ht says the Atlanta Constitution. "Nor Well. I didn't either until I struck Savannah the other day. A good old lady was telling me about it. lioosevelt was brought there by his mother when he was a boy ten or twelve years old. He was a rather weak looking kid. the old lady says, and was more like a baby than a twelve-year-old boy. There was only one thing about him that gave any key to his future career, and you have to read backward to see that. He was passionately fond of the ginger cakes vended about the streets of Savannah even on to this day by old negro -women. The cakes were made in the shape of horses. To have seen that weakling munching his gingt-r cake In the shape of a horse you wouldn't have thought of the future leader of the rough riders. But he loved the horse even in cake form then, and the people who like to study the early doings of national characters may find something to build upon in that fact. One thing certain, the ginger has not yet gut out of bis system." Pemlon For Caraeslf Men. While in Pittsburg recently Andrew Carnegie approved a plan for disbursing the pension fund growing oat of the $4.000. he set aside last spring for the benefit of the employees of the Carnegie Steel company, says the New York World. The principal Is invested In 5 per cent honds of the United States Steel corporation and yields $200,000 annually. Charles II. Taylor, one of Mr. Carnegie's right hand men. took up the work of formulating plans and finally, he believes, has perfected a scheme fair and fraud proof. The earnings of the fund will be devoted to the families of workmen killed in performance tf their duty and to the relief of men in'ured in the mills. It I A PositiY Fart that a large percentage of Men and Women of this country are troubled with DYSPEPSIA, the early symptoms of which are many, varied and subtle, and on i he appearance of any such symptoms should immediately be treated, and treated efficiently- Are you t-uffering from Heartbnrn,Dull Headache, Feeling: ot Distension at tlic Pit of the Stomach, Bad Itreatit,Bad Xaste, Disinclination to Partake of your Meal,a Ravenous Appetite yet unable to cat, Kiirretl Tongue. Sallow Complexion. Flatulency, Accidity or Occasional VoiTiiifiJir, ir. ritaliility of Temper? if so. ; the dose of I ('. . Carter iKsp.-ps"a Tape's wi'l giv imnedi, rf-'ief arc a positive V.IEL. Thy hmm rifactured from purn dree-, artf ullv tid scientific itilr e nipoutdtd.sbsohiteJy harrris t'he most s ensitiv aud delict t' ttomaeh, atd even a el i!d err use them without any but the I best resnlts.Their daily u?e wil j restore tone to the jaded n-t ves-1 of the stomach, ar d will infos-i trest lit1 into tfae impoverished gastric juk e and willrelrgi- uslj carry cut all that is claime foi them. and will give you a clear, wholesome, propery acting stomach, instead of a poor, feeble, diseased organ. A trial will convince the most s ( ptieal. PFICE 50c and St. 00. The dollar size contains two and one-half times the quantity of the 50" size. C E. CARTER & Co. 71 West Jaekson St. Chicago. Trade cpp!ii by A. G. Lokin & Co., w hoi draeiMa, 628 mad -Main nreM, and Chart LMacaw. Braggiat, 214 Ft. Wajae aTrnue. r.ji mo sd. loo.

WILL RACE THE WORLD.

Yanderfctlt aid Kr-n Eater at Crtal A ot iiuobllr antral. V'ii::n!:i U Va;;ir!.'t. Jr an l Fox ha'! Kttiie Larp -uMt-i1 tbeir irsnias eo t:i;t iters in th' jcrvat I't:ri- Vi t-jjiia rat starting from tU I'rf.nU ca;::al June 13 rn-xt. Tb ract will (.-jwr a I!stan- cf t' n:Hes. and foriiiH'tir. from all tli wcrl.l will partifSpat-.'. Kor tlsr i-.t time n tlit history of am omoli",!:r;2 nAi:i rica usu.l ina i.i .- will m"- ! .ir iu a:i evt ut in a fori-;:i country. i:i !!: very home of autoiiiu!'.!:.n. The ma Clii::e vi!l driven ly Auieriini! Fo.thsl! K .T.e. who '::'y : few .!.-:vnt Jil;l.-eti llis order t r J he new Atiier ieau ai;:a Fo:iriier. the re:it Kreiscb autoir'f bilist. after whom the Keet maciil'ie Js t;:i:;Htl. snjs it will tlevel'ip a sjif-u of nearly :i liv.uilrt'd i-iUes an litxir. with a sustained sjHed of eely miles. Mr FoxhaH Ke'ii wss seen by i reporter f the New York .Imirnal. ami be said: "1 will hirp an American Mors an to, tbe next rear's modei nf that ma chin" Saturday's (Nov !! tiee den; onstrare! -j surely the s!ieiiirity of tbe machine that there is imthins left for me to do I fH-lieve tluit eventually we will make machines here to leat tbe world. We seldom try hard at any tiling that we do not siutt"el in finally prolucins tbe very Ik'sI athletes, automolil;'S. anything. "I kHk forwanl with a strong liope of winning that automobile ritce id Taris. It wonid le line V wai against the world's -ouiH'titors. I was much encouraged by my smt-ess of Saturday, and I hope u lie able to lower the record made then Ix fove I start oa my trip to the Paris Vienna meet." It was not until very recently that Mr. Vaudeibiit decided to enter the race. Mis inclination has always been that way I iiit Mrs. Vanderbilt has sought to .dissuade bitu. in fear that nu accident might tiefall him in going at the I'ghUKUg pace that the auto racers strike. It was Airs Vanderbiit's request that kept The, young millionaire from tr.er mg t!.e unto i:t-es lie:d on the Urook lyn sjiti d.v;i v. At tliis coolest I'.-ur uier liroKf tiie woi Id's recoid tor a mile, with Foxlir.il Kecue oniy a few secom's twlnuil liim While Mr. Van derb:!t cou.-enud lo sra out of Sat urady s rai-c be dd gain his wife :j -sciit to his desire to compete at t lie in; em:; i .onal ciiampiousbip WATCHING THE LEQN1D3 T!se P'wjr Ahlnif V.'illi Them For a The j. wt !:'!.' users Jit 11 irvard observ r'i r'...i:i .-' i.'iMii'.ls ill 1 i;t- : fly t.oil.s v: :!,- i.:!.- r ih.i; ning ; i ; .; minicr , i;s p!.'-:.ii.-r;:p.!S. s.:.; : stun dis p U ii t . the N.-W Yefk r-::i.-s This p'u.u;. t ii i'.it;!i. !!.:!; i:.-. v f:;lle!i I!) ;vi,:i a r.rtieti'ariy nnuterous swarm s-ion ait -i' -1 n'ciso U. tor (iiii a half. In-;r nearly a huudred flashed across , tbe dusky sky. i Many of them were tiny rocketlike wanderers from t'ae depths cf space. so;m engulfed and extinguished in tba. atmospheric deeps. Fut at intervals there came one that shone as brilliantly as Sirius or tue licry torch cf A returns In the west. They were visible for several seconds and moved with a greater dignity than tbeir smaller fel lows, and their luminous, dusty track lingered long amid the clustered stars. Most of tuvm were of a yellowish hue. but occasionally there was a red or blue shade.

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