Rensselaer Union, Volume 10, Number 48, Rensselaer, Jasper County, 15 August 1878 — EQUAL TO THE OCCASION. [ARTICLE]

EQUAL TO THE OCCASION.

History (says a foreign publication) records many illustrious instances of who have got into tight places, and come out successfully. Among these are the following: When Lord Liverpool was forming ihis Ministry in 1822, he thought it absolutely necessary to have Canning at the Foreign Office, although aware the appointment would be obnoxious to George IV. The Duke of Wellington undertook the unpleasant task of communicating Lord Liverpool’s determination, ana went to Brighton for that purpose. As soon as the King knew what was wanted of hkn, he broke out: “Arthur, it is impossible! I said, on my honor as a gentleman, he should never be one of my Ministers again. 1 am sure you will agree with me that I cannot do what I. said on my honor as a gentleman 1 would not do.” Another man would have been silenced; but the great soldier, always equal to an emergency, replied: “‘Pardon me, sir, but 1 don’t agree with you at all. Your Majesty is not a gentleman.” The bold assertion startled the King; hut the Duke, went on: “Your Majesty is not a gentleman, but the sovereign of England, with duties to your people far abovo any to yourself, and these duties render it imperative that you should employ the abilities of Mr. Canning.” “ Well, Arthur,” said the King, drawing a long breath,” “ if I must. 1 must.” Although he did not like being told ihe was no gentleman, George IV. had •once at least, while Regent, forgotten he was one. That was when he Hung a glass of wine in Col. Hamlyn’s face, with: “Hamlyn, you are a blackguard!” The insulted officer could not return the compliment without committing something like treason; it was out of the question to challenge the Prince; while to let the insult pass unnoticed, was equally impossible. The Colonel filled his glass and threw the contents in the face of his neighbor, saying, “His Royal Highness’ toast; pass it on!” “Hamlyri,” cried the Regent, “you’re a capital fellow! Here’s your health!” And they were fast friends from that evening. A Schleswig lass, whose betrothed hadgoneAo seek a better fortune in America, under promiso to send for her as soon as he found himself able to support a Wife, after patiently waiting a few years, grew sick of hope deferred and took up with another sweetheart. She was ho sooner fairly on with the new love when a letter arrived from the old one, inclosing money to pay her passage to America. Here was a pretty dilemma; but the doubly-plighteu damsel’s mother found a way -out of the difficulty. She sent her second daughter in her sister’s place. “The two girls,” said she, “ are as like as two blades of grass, and it will be all the one to him which of them lo gets for his wife.” For the sake of all parties, it is hoped the cheated man was as easily victimized as the Spanish official who stopped a correspondent of an English newspaper, attempting to cross the Republican lines, during the civil war of 1874, with a demaid for his passport—a non-existent document. “Specials” are not readily prevented going where they have a mkid to go, and the demand was jnet by the production of a fashionable tailor’s bill, bearing the arms of sundry royal and imperial patrons on its face, and duly stamped and receipted. A pretty pantomime performance ensue!, the journalist trying to impress upo» the official mind that the figures in the account represented his personal miasures, set down for the purpose of idtntification; and, having succeeded in thkt, he pointed triumphantly to the stamp and the signature across it, as irrefragable proof, of the official character of the document; and the halLsatisfled, wholly mystified Spaniard let him go on his way, showering silent blessings on bis tailor’s head. An unemployed actor, disinclined to rust in idleness— to say i nothing of. starving, determined to the Provinces” as an entortaider. They did not prove the happy hunting grounds he expected, and when he Arrived at a small town in the north, hfl funds and spirits were equally low. i The latter were not raised by the worthy who had the letting of the “ ball ” informing him a theatrical exhibition would be “na gude at a’ ” there; but that if be gave a lecture on chemistry the place would be crowded. At this straw Our desperate actor clutched. Up would turn a scientific lecturer, ajid chance it being discovered that he kkew nothing of his subject. The hall wps engaged, the bills distributed, hia list coppers spent upon red-fire, brick dust, irontilings and some innocent ] owders; the time came, and the lectur r stood before a crowded audience, Vithout any clear idea of what he was to say or do save that he was going to erform the old experiment of producii 5 hydrogen, and a new one of his owi invention, which he hoped would bri ig the performance to a sildden end. The friendly hall-keeper had borrowed a pestle and mortar, a Leyden ja| and two or three retorts, which, with 1 few physic bottles tilled with bright-co ired waters, gave the table quite a sciei tific appearance. The pseudo savant commenced by reading a few pages o a popular treatise on chemistry, by 1 ay of introduction, and then closing the book*.

trusted to impudence to pull him through; and pull him through it did. He says: “I explained, with many mispronounced words, the hydrogen experiment; and then it occurred to me to Arrange a little aooident, which would perhaps make them nervous, and prepare them for what was to follow. This I easilv did by thrustiag a retort, neck downward into the fire; the few drops of water condensed, and burst it with a loud report. I then proceeded to explain the dangerous nature of chemicals, dwelt on gun-cot-ton, sudden death of experimentalists by fumes, etc., meanwhile filling my mortar with brick-dust and other harmless ingredients. Having worked the audience up to the required pitch of nervousness, I dilated on the dangerous and uncertain naturo of the compound I was mixing. I spoke of my bad health, And wound up by saying: ‘Startling and marvelous as the announcement may seem, it is nevertheless true, that were I to leave off stirring this mixture for one single second the whole of this building and every one thereinn would be blown to unrecognizable atoms!’ In less than two minutes there was not a soul left in the place except Mr. Ma,ctaggart and myself, who pitched the stuff away and cheerfully divided the profits.” The artful actor’s auditors showed less coolness than the man, whose hat being riddled by a shooter of small birds, quietly asked; “ Did you shoot at me, sirP” To which the maladroit but no way disconcerted sportsman replied: “Ono, sir; I never hit what I fire at!” at once obviating the necessity of apologizing, and mollifying the recipient of the erratic charge, as effectually as Provost Baker was mollified by a ready-witted laddie brought beforothe Rutherglen Burgh Court for plucking torbidden fruit. Said the Provost to the small offender: “ If you had a garden, and pilfering boys were to break into it ana steal your property, in what way would you like to have them punished P” Said the small ofl'ender to the Provost: “ Aweel, sir, I think I’d let them awa’ for the first offense.” Of course he was dismissed after being suitably admonished, A woman’s wit rarely fails her when she needs to exercise it. Mme. Thierret, a popular French actress, was once traveling to Baden in a first-class carriage, though only provided with a sec-ond-class ticket. At Kehl her ticket was demanded by a German employe of the company. A scene ensued, the actress pretending not to understand the man. “If you gabble for two hours,” said she, “it will be all the same.” The German took her by the arm for the purpose of ejecting her from the carriage, received a box on the ears that sent him reeling to the other side of the platform. This brought up a commissary, who inquired why she had struck the man- “ Because he was insolent; be said all sorts of impertinent things to me*” reElied the actress. The officer thought e had caught her nicely, and grimly demanded now she knew that, since she pretended not to understand German. “Nonsense,” answered ready Mme. Thierret; “ when a dog wants to bite you, you understand it very well, although you do not talk doggerel.” And the commissary wisely gave in. A French gentleman, anxious to find a wife for a scapegrace nephew, went to a matrimonial agent, who handed him his list of lady clients. Running this through, he lighted upon his wife’s name, entered as desirous of 'obtaining a husband between the ages of twentyoight add thirty-five—a blonde preferred. Forgetting his nephew, he hurried home to announce his discovery to his wife. That..lady was not at all disturbed. “Oh, yes,” said she, “ that is my name; I put it down when you were so ill in the spring, and the doctor said we must prepare for'the worst.” This was at least an honest confession.

Braggarts arc generally easy to be scared. A French shoemaker, fond of boasting that nothing could frighten him, proved an exception to tho rule. Two young fellows resolved to put him to the test, so one shammed dead, and the other prevailed upon the shoemaker to watch the body through the night. Being busy, he toot his tools with him anil worked beside the corpse. About midnight a cup of black coffee was brought to him to keep him awake, and he was so exhilarated by tho draught that he struck up a merry song, still plying his hammer vigorously. Suddenly the would-be corpse arose and said, in sepulchral tones, “ When a man is in the presence of death he should not sing.” Tho shoemaker was startled, but recovering his self-possession in a moment, he dealt the corpse a blow on the head with his hammer as he uttered: “ When a man is dead he should not speak.”

A blind beggar on the Pont-Neuf entreated the charity of tho passers-by on the plea of being a poor blflid man and the father of two children. A gentleman who responded to the pitiful appeal saw the same man a few days afterward at Asnieres soliciting alms as a poor blind man, the father of four children. “What!” said he—speaking in French—“have you flail two children since I saw you in Paris last week?” “ No, sir,” was the unabashed reply; “but in Paris living is so dear that two children are enough to excite pity; in the country lam obliged to have four at the very least, and even then find it hard to make both ends meet.” Tired of telling men he had no room for a brakeman, the Superintendent of a Pennsylvania line, upon the appearance of a new applicant, said: “You want to brake on this road, do .vouP Well, you can sit down there. We have no vacancy just at present; but we kill about two brakemen a day, and 1 daresay in a few minutes I shall hear of some one losing an arm or a leg, and then you can have the job.” The man thought he would not wait, and the would-be brakemen became scarce in that neigborhood. There was a dead man at a Paris boarding-house, and after he had been taken toliis last lodging, it got about that he was in the unseemly habit of paying nightly visits to the room in which he diod, and for a long time the room remained tenantless in consequence. At last it was taken by a student, who laughed at the idea "of the place being haunted. Annoyed at his incredulity, two of the lodgers arrayed themselves in sheets and glided into the room, one night* at that witching hour when grave-yards are supposed to yawn. With solemn step and slow they stalked around the bed, until, happening to glance behind, they beheld a sheeted figure watching their movements. This was more than they bargained for, and they were out of the room and in their own chambers almost before they knew it. Next morning they settled with the landlord and departed, never dreaming their intended victim had divined their intentions and paid them in their own coin. They were not equal to the occasion. ' * '